Sacred Stories

Since the beginning of humankind, stories have been an integral part of our lives. Before language our ancestors drew pictures on cave walls, depicting their activities. With language skills, they sat around campfires, an appointed elder relating tales of those who had come before.

We are in the season of remembering scary stories. A time some of us recall how God demonstrated great love for his people through the miracle of a flame burning for 8 days. Others the story of a baby born in Bethlehem and a guiding star. Many remember their ancestors’ journey from slavery to freedom. Stories that speak to the heart of who we are and where we’ve come from, giving us a sense of our connections, emboldening us, and comforting us.

I know many of you are going through a difficult time. Holidays can trigger feelings of loneliness and depression. My wish for you is that you will find comfort and joy in remembering the sacred stories of those who paved the way for you. That you will hold them in your heart this season and throughout the new year. 

Your life also has sacred stories from your struggles and victories. Take a moment to remember how you’ve grown in this last year. You may not be where you’d like to be in your life, but you have taken steps in that direction. Celebrate those. Know that you are on the right track. 

This is the season to anticipate and renew our faith in a better future. This is a season to reclaim hope. May it be so for all of us.

Yank a Root, Plant a Flower

As a kid, being too short to push a mower, I was assigned the job of weeding. You can imagine how enthusiastic I was about that. I’d slump into the grass in the hot sun stewing and sweating as I ripped at the weeds around the trees and bushes. One day my grandfather’s shadow fell across me. I looked up and he said, “You can’t get rid of weeds by tearing off the tops of them. The root will stay and grow stronger. It will not only bear a new top but also send out shoots to grow more weeds. If  you want to get rid of the weeds, you have to pull them out by the root.” He squatted down and showed me how to loosen up the soil and slip the weeds out roots intact.

There is an important life lesson in that.

Once we leave a violent relationship, we think we have solved the problem. After all, everyone around us is saying, “You’re out now, let it go.” However, it’s not over. Leaving is a necessary and important part of ending the problem. You can’t remove the false beliefs if you are with someone who continually plants and fertilizes them. 

We are left with deep-rooted negative beliefs about ourselves. We have lost our self-respect and trust in our ability to function in the world. Those affect our every decision from thinking that if we give up and let our lives fall into destitution it will in some way punish our abusers, to going into an interview for a job with our inner critics screaming, “You can’t do this job. You are an idiot! You will fail.”

Negative core beliefs nourish themselves with the help of that inner critic. The voice magnifies our every fear and self-abasing feeling into a confirmation that we are stupid, inept, clumsy, foolish, etc., establishing those negative views more firmly in our psyche. From there they bleed bad outcomes into our lives. 

We may rush into new relationships, hoping they will heal our fears and challenges. Trying to fix our lives in that manner usually lands us in other abusive relationships. Our inner critics are all too happy to point out that we are fools. We may not apply for any challenging jobs because we believe that we will fail. Instead, we resign ourselves to low-paying work. Fear and financial difficulties may prevent us from taking classes that would help us secure a better-paying position. We will most assuredly make some mistakes as we pull our lives together. Our critical voices will be happy to remind us that we are inept.

Suppose, we refuse to allow our critics to go on a rampage. We shut them down with an affirmation such as: “I am capable of taking care of myself and children,” “Investing in my future is a good thing so I will go back to school,” or “I am capable of learning new skills.” “I am a human. I am not perfect and do not need to be. This error was a momentary lapse, not a big to-do.” Then we take the steps that will improve our lives.

As we loosen up the ligatures of fear that hold us back we can extract false beliefs. Every brave step forward instills self-respect and self-trust.  Just like it takes time to get all the remnants of the roots out of the garden, it takes time and persistence to remove the negative thinking. By calling out our inner critics and slapping affirmations over their mouths, we can extract the false beliefs and grow declarations of truth in their place, then act on them. We are capable of creating wonderful fulfilling lives for ourselves.

Addressing the root of any problem or challenge is a habit that will prevent us from dealing with the same problem over and over. If we only hack at the branches (do the easiest thing to give temporary relief) we leave the root problem intact allowing it to send out more roots and branches that we will have to confront again. Go for the root the first time and put an end to the problem. Plant some flowers.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Learned Stress

When we experience an occasional fearful situation, our brain directs the release of the flight or fight stress hormone, cortisol. When the danger subsides and we feel safe again, the flow of cortisol subsides. While this hormone is necessary when we are in imminent danger, a steady flow of it is not healthy.

Living in abusive relationships fight or flight is our constant companion. Every moment of every day we must be hyper-vigilant, trying to avoid the expected next blowup. Even after leaving the relationship, our bodies are not able to readily adjust to the fact that the danger is over and turn off the fight or flight reaction. Feeling unsafe becomes our bodies’ norm. It is learned stress. 

When we add current events into the mix we find our health in danger. Our minds are constantly stewing about everything that is difficult in our lives and the world. We exhaust ourselves and feel paralyzed. We stop nurturing ourselves—or never start. Drugs, alcohol, or other addictions can enter the picture as a way to cope. However, they send us into numbness. In a sense, we stop experiencing the trauma but we also miss out on the happiness in our lives.

To heal, the body needs to recognize that the danger has passed and that we are now safe. 

Being gentle with ourselves and practicing self-care/compassion can move us in the right direction. I’ve been working on ways to ease the commotion in my brain and body. There are a lot of suggestions from the foremost minds in mental and physical health. Let me share with you the ones that work best for me.

The popularity of mindfulness is growing. Living in the present moment we can ask ourselves if we feel safe at this moment. When our minds spin off into the future “awfulizing” what could disrupt our peace, we bring it back to “I am safe at this moment.” When our mind spins off into the past, “I thought I was safe then, and look what happened,” again, we remind ourselves, “I am safe at this moment.” Working toward staying in the present can help calm the anxiety.

Part of the mindfulness practice includes taking time to sit quietly and listen to our breath. Deep restful breathing calms the body and mind. When our restless mind allows destructive thoughts to arise, we recognize them and then let them go without berating ourselves. Labeling them can help us step outside the thought and tell ourselves, “That is my fear of ending up in another abusive relationship. Now that I know the danger signs, I will walk away from anyone who doesn’t treat me with respect.” It takes some practice, but following our breath is helpful in times of stress.

I shoot for taking time to sit in the quiet or with some peaceful music every day. It doesn’t have to be a long period of time, just a few minutes to concentrate on my breath. It’s a good time to spend in prayer or meditation, quieting my thoughts. I’m still working on learning to observe any thoughts that arise and not become engaged in them. Some days are easier than others. On the harder days, I use guided meditation. (free meditations are available at www.meditationoasis.com—click on Listen— then Podcasts.)

Coloring books for adults are becoming popular. Coloring is also a mindful activity, that keeps you in the present moment instead of fretting. There are free mandalas available on the internet. Also coloring books from museums. (www.openculture.com/2017/02/free-coloring-books-from-world-class-libraries-museums.html)

When my mind is particularly active, I’ve found that journaling about my concerns is a good segue into the quiet. Spitting everything that is bothering me onto a blank page seems to help me put it to rest, allowing me to better concentrate on my work or go to sleep.

Sleep is way more important than I realized. When working and raising children, sleep is a luxury and the first thing that goes by the wayside while holding the head of a vomiting child or helping with the homework that is due tomorrow and forgotten until this very moment. We learned to exist on little sleep.  

Though there is no set rule, since our bodies are all different, it is suggested that we shoot for 7-8 hours. That meant I had to turn off the news and late-night talk shows and learn to fall asleep earlier than what had been my habit. It took some practice. Once settled, the restless brain syndrome (my made-up name for the problem) sets in. My brain throttles up and ruminates on everything and anything that frustrates or worries me. I swear, it would pick some tiny thing that would be a fluff of lint in the light of day and whip it up into an asteroid about to crash into the earth. Also, it would prod me to take a peek at the news just in case I was missing something really important. If neither of these worked, it would start throwing down odds that I was going to lay away until my “normal” bedtime, anyway. There has been a period of laying awake but I am settling into this new routine. I do feel better the next day which reinforces the change.

The light from our computers also affects our ability to go to sleep. That means shutting down our electronic devices at least an hour before bed. I’m working on turning off my electronics for the night after dinner. I’m not quite comfortable with this, yet. Picking up my phone or other device is a knee-jerk reaction. 

The way the brain constantly collects and processes data is amazing and no small feat now that we are besieged with information through electronics/social media. Something that used to be a catch-up-with-friends social time now inundates us with information that heightens our stress levels. Consider a day without it. Sunday is my day to feed my spirit. OWN's Soul Sunday, a cup of tea, a good book, and a sunny spot makes for a lovely day and does wonders for my harried brain. I didn’t realize how driven I was to keep up with everything. It was exhausting. I’m considering expanding my media fast to 2 days.

Exercise, yoga, and T’ai Chi are also great to help quiet the mind and keep the body supple and healthy. I like the app Yoga Studio. It’s free and has classes for different levels of ability. You can even put together your own class if you’d like. 

Let’s unlearn stress by nurturing our bodies and spirits every day. 

3 Issues That Keep Victims From Moving On

The false belief that we cannot live without our controlling partners is one reason many victims struggle when trying to move forward. Amid those horrible times, there were good times and we still love them—or who we thought they were—or could be. The life we lived was familiar. The unfamiliar scares us—after all, things could be worse.

Think back to when you were a child. Did you have a blanket or stuffed toy that meant the world to you? You carried it everywhere and slept with it tucked under your arm. When it was lost, you were hysterical. Frantic and in tears, you searched everywhere, terrified that your beloved companion was gone forever. When it was found you were elated.

Where is that toy today? Most likely it is packed away in a keepsake box or was tossed out years ago. While at that time it represented comfort. As you grew older, you learned to comfort yourself. You stopped carrying your precious toy or blanket because you matured beyond that stage of your life.

The same thing will happen when you cut ties with your ex. As you rebuild your life you will move beyond this relationship and create stronger and healthier self-confidence. The time will come when you see your ex at some family function and do not believe you were ever with that person.

Another reason some victims have trouble moving on is that they desperately want to be validated by their former partners. Survivors want their exes to admit they were monsters and be sorry. The truth is—narcissists will never, under any circumstances, face up to their wretched behavior or feel sorry for anything they did or anyone they hurt. 

Empathy and compassion are not a part of their psychological makeup. Even if their victims become ill or homeless, narcissists will never take responsibility for their contribution to the problem. They feel no shame. They are more likely to see the occurrences as validation of their low opinions of their victims.

If you find yourself thinking that your partner will come around and feel sorry for what they’ve done to you, see a therapist trained in helping victims of abuse and talk through this issue. Being stuck in this mindset can cause you to unintentionally sabotage your own success. 

You cannot punish a narcissist by hurting yourself. The only way to punish a narcissist is to open your wings and soar. Once you accept your worthiness, you won’t need validation from anyone else—especially your ex.

Being kind and empathetic, victims can also be waylaid by exes who become intentionally homeless and impoverished to avoid paying support. They may try to manipulate their victims by asking to move in with them (or not move out) until they can “get back on their feet.” If that doesn't work, they may claim a trumped-up illness to finagle their way back into their victims’ lives. Once they get a foot in the door, they will pull every stunt they can to stay and retake control.

Let’s be clear—success depends on one’s own efforts. It’s not easy, but it is doable. Having made the decision to end the relationship, you are no longer responsible to take care of your ex—for any reason. Focus on improving your life and let your ex take responsibility for theirs. 

I know that if you have children with this person, you are not able to totally cut off communication with your ex. Work on emotionally distancing yourself from him or her and holding your boundaries. A therapist can help you develop a plan to deal with your ex and protect your progress. You deserve a happy life.

Yours, Mine and Ours; Healthy Relationships

When two healthy people come together, their worlds overlap into a space where they create a life together built on respect, trust and communication. They share common interests and friends and at the same time, continue their own interests. They have time together, time alone, and time with friends and family. Differences of opinion are discussed and respected. One person does not always have to give in to the other. Decisions are made jointly. Each partner’s voice has equal value.    

This concept can feel foreign to a survivor of domestic violence. 

Before we met our controlling partners, we had a life. Some of us had jobs and lived on our own, while others were finishing up an education. We had dreams for our futures and were in the process of uncovering our talents and figuring out how to use them. Our worlds were filled with activities that we loved, families, and friends.

Our controlling partners came into the relationships with their own individual worlds. At the beginning of the relationship, our partners were willing to participate in activities we enjoyed. They encouraged us to follow our passions.

Over time, our partners created reasons why we should not spend time with our friends using lies like: “Your best friend hit on me. She’s not your friend.” “Mike told me they laugh at you behind your back.” Intentionally, isolating us, giving them more influence over our lives.

Our partners made it difficult for us to continue to follow our passions: “Your job is more important to you than I am. Don’t you love me?” “You need to face the fact that you are never going to make it in that career. You’re just not smart enough.” They accused us of being selfish and damaged our self-esteem so they had more control.

Drawn, coerced, or forced to stop our life journeys, our worlds dissolved. That left us standing in the abusers’ realms. They positioned themselves at the center of their worlds and our job was to serve their needs and wants. We, as human beings, ceased to exist and were seen as nothing more than property. Narcissists believe that they have the right to use any means—including physical force—to keep their property.

Relationships after domestic violence are scary. While we yearn to share our lives with someone, we no longer trust our judgment to pick a partner. Also, we don’t trust our ability to take care of ourselves, and our children. That fear can cause us to jump into a new relationship before we are ready and, worse yet, before we’ve vetted our new partner.

When I joined a rebuilding group, the first thing the facilitator said was, “For the next year, you are not a good date.” He went on to warn us about rushing into a relationship before we healed. When it comes to leaving an abusive relationship, those words are particularly important. Desperately seeking another partner can almost guarantee that it will be another violent one. That’s because we gravitate toward what we know--what feels comfortable. Our understanding of relationships could have been skewed as early as childhood if we grew up in a violent family. To end abuse, we have to change what feels comfortable. That takes time and introspection.

We must learn that we can take care of ourselves and our children. Good decisions do not come from a place of desperation and fear. That means we reassemble our world. We grieve the loss of time that could have been put to better use, take the lessons that we learned and begin to restore and upgrade our life. It’s hard but satisfying work. With time we will be back on our journey and moving in the direction we were meant to go.

When are we ready for a new partner? When we've achieved the following goals...

We have:

• Completed a good portion of our healing work (preferably with a therapist or support group).
• Laid the foundation of our worlds.
• Gained control over our own lives and don’t expect or allow our new partners to “fix” them.
• Learned to set steadfast boundaries and are willing to walk away if they are not respected.
• Learned to speak our minds respectfully and firmly even if it is scary.

A healthy relationship will feel outside of our comfort zones. We are a work in process. Let's not allow our discomfort to blow up a good relationship. Instead, let’s face the issues head-on.

The first issue to address is the instinct to fall back and let a new partner take the lead. Our past relationships were so exhausting that we would like our new partners to handle everything. This is not a component of a healthy relationship. We must stand as equal and responsible partners.  

That leads us to be a part of all important decisions. Since our former partners chastised us for any decision we made, we may be reluctant to share our opinions. If our new partners aren't interested or respectful of our opinions, we need to leave the relationship.

We are used to our partners calling us all the time, checking up on us. We may find ourselves doubting our new partners' love because they don’t call as often, instead of seeing their behavior as a sign of trust. In a healthy relationship, space is respected and the other’s word is good.

The biggest issue may be asking for what we need. Since our needs and wants were never acknowledged, expressing them will definitely feel strange. This will take some practice. Start with small requests.

The more we challenge our false beliefs and openly express our feelings the sooner we will be able to relax into the new healthy normal. It takes practice and courage.

The right partner will respect your journey, encourage you and walk alongside you. You will do the same for him or her.

My favorite quote comes from Rabbi Harold S. Kushner (How Good Do We Have To Be?):

“One of the basic needs of every human being is the need to be loved, to have our wishes and feeling taken seriously, to be validated as people who matter.”

May this become your new normal.

Return or Stay Out?

Should I return or stay out? While it sounds like a simple question with an easy answer, those of us who have been in violent relationships know it to be extremely complicated. In my blog (Why Victims Stay or Return to Their Abusers) I address many of the reasons why victims stay or return. In this post, I want to focus on another component that draws us into that vacillation dance, the honeymoon period.

Part of the reason leaving is such a difficult decision is based on the Cycle of Abuse (See tab above). Abusive relationships are filled with emotional highs and lows. As the tension stage builds toward the battering incident, the victim tries desperately to appease her* habitually disgruntled partner. Knowing that she will not be successful, she slides into numbness to avoid the fear of what is to come, and it does. Her partner explodes and brutally terrorizes her. Afterward, the couple moves into the honeymoon period, where the abuser apologizes and promises to change. During the honeymoon period, there is relief from the victim’s pain. She experiences joy, and happiness that he wants and needs her so much. It’s like falling in love all over again. She feels alive and believes battering will never happen again.

Survivors know that it is not a circle, it’s a spiral. It will happen again and again, with the incidents coming more often and the severity of the abuse more dangerous.

A violent incident often becomes the last straw, and we leave the relationship. We are finished. However, our partners move on to do the dance of the honeymoon period, where they attempt to woo us back. They become Mr. Wonderfuls, the guys we first met. They tell us they are sorry and pull out all the old tricks they have used to hook us and hold us in the relationship. We receive letters professing their love. They make promises that they will do whatever is necessary to bring us back. They join AA or a church. They even use our children to intercede on their behalf. They will say or do whatever they need to, to make us return. Though, they have no intention of following through with their promises. They didn't the last time, and they won't this time.

Meanwhile, we slid into numbness. That critical voice in our heads attacks us, saying we can never survive on our own. We can't support our children on our own. He will find a way to take our children away from us. All his threats spin through our minds. Our lives feel like an endless nightmare. We long for relief. That heady feeling from the honeymoon period temps us to return. Maybe this time things will be different.

If victims stop themselves amid the negative chatter and go to that quiet place in their gut, they will hear the truth—if they return things will not change. The abuse will continue and their self-esteem will be decimated.

When victims return, abusers, feel victorious, believing they now have the right to hold the reins of control tighter, demanding more and limiting their partners’ freedoms. They will often punish their partners for making them kowtow to woo them back.  Also, victims must understand that the abuse will escalate and spill over onto their children. The end result may be death for the victims and, in many cases, their children.

When an ex understands that his victim will not be wooed back, he will do whatever it takes to make her life hell. This includes:

• Telling lies to others so the victim looks like the bad partner.
• Creating chaos around her to keep her off-balance and not be able to think clearly, hoping to wear her down so she gives up and returns.
• Coming up with a sob story to lure her back or get a toe in the door. (He wants to stay in the house with her. It’s just until he is back on his feet then he’ll leave or do whatever she wants.)
• Hides their money.
• Criticizes everything she does to make her afraid she cannot make it without him.
• Embarrasses her at her workplace—Antagonizes her employers, hoping she gets fired.
• Stalks her relentlessly, to wear her down so she will return to him.
• Drags her to court for minor and made-up claims to drain her energy and finances.
• Uses the children to hurt her.
• Hurts the children to punish her.
• Murders her and/or her children. (women who leave are 70% more likely to be murdered—often within the first 6 months)

To survive, victims have to face the fact that they cannot change their partners. They have to admit that the heady honeymoon period would never last. Then they must learn how to shore themselves up against their exes' stunts.

What worked for me was to imagine myself standing outside the drama my ex created. I made a mental list of what kind of antics my ex would most likely use, giving them a title (i.e. The Woe Is Me. The You Are a Bad Mother). I watched for these expected behaviors and ticked them off my list when they showed up.  Thinking of it that way, I didn’t engage or succumb to the emotions. I breathed deeply and didn’t react to his attempts to rile me. It took some practice, unfortunately, I had plenty of opportunities to practice.

It helped to develop a set statement to tell myself when the vacillating dance music began playing.

“I’ve been here before too many times. He is doing and saying the same things he always has. He’s made no effort to change. I cannot change him, save him or do the work for him. If he valued our relationship and wanted to change, he would have gone into treatment and followed the program. He has not, so he will not change.”

When I accepted the fact that the only one I could change was me, I started focusing on my future and discovered the highs of achieving my goals.

To those struggling with this decision: If you think you cannot do it, consider all the hard work you have put into this relationship. If you turn your focus on yourself, you will see results because you are a willing participant.

It is a struggle to take back control of our lives after all the years spent being told we were inept and that no one cared about us or would help us. These lies need to be yanked out by the roots. We are not stupid and there is help through local shelters or at the National Domestic Violence Hot Line at 800.799.7233. If you aren’t working with a therapist trained in domestic abuse treatment, find one or a support group. There are also lots of survivors on Facebook, willing to give you emotional support and share what they have learned in public or private groups.

It’s not easy to make the decision to stay out. Don’t beat yourself up if this is the second, fourth, or tenth time you’ve left. Just let this time be the last.



* I use the pronoun “he” as the abuser and “she” as the victim because that was my experience and for ease of clarity in my writing. We know that men can also be victims.

Catching a Hail Mary Pass

Last night I watched the end of the football game between Green Bay and Detroit. In the last few minutes of the game, things looked hopeless for the Packers. Fans were leaving the stadium, and the players considered it over for them. At that moment, a penalty on Detroit opened a window to a slim chance—one more play. Aaron Rodgers threw a Hail Mary Pass 61 yards into the end zone. Richard Rodgers reached up and caught it for the win. It was the pass of a lifetime—a catch of a lifetime. A defining moment that will forever be attached to the two Rodgers’ lives.

I thought about how Richard Rodgers felt when that ball touched his fingertips and he tucked it into his gut. I thought about how we have those defining moments where we throw ourselves into the unknown despite hopelessness and fear and land on our feet. It’s when we flip the switch and realize, “I will survive without you. You are not good for my spiritual or physical health. I am finished with you,” and know in our gut that this time we mean it. It’s the joy of walking into our own apartment—a safe place to come home to. It’s when we awaken in the morning, and for the first time in a long time, we are excited about a new day. It’s receiving that call that the job or promotion is ours and the satisfaction we feel when we look into the mirror and see the person we are meant to be, looking back at us. Filled with joy, gratefulness, and amazement, we acknowledge how far we have come.

Another important point is that Richard couldn’t have caught the ball if Aaron hadn’t risked the throw. Those great moments of success can’t happen if we don’t take the risk. We have to— reach out for help, leave an unhealthy relationship, get into therapy—do all the recovery work to pull our lives together. We trudge forward ignoring the inner and outer critical voices telling us we are not capable of surviving on our own. We risk disappointments and still keep putting one foot in front of the other until we feel that ball falls into our hands and we know we have conquered our fear, we have saved ourselves. These are our defining moments. 

The Truth about Power and Control

Most of us who are recovering from a controlling relationship struggle with this truth: An abuser's driving force and only desire is for absolute power and control over their victims. So focused on that end, controllers do not see their victims as people who have a right to their own feelings and opinions. Abusers see and experience everything within the context of having to deliberately and systematically battle for control. They are willing to inflict any level of pain to achieve their goal.

While in the relationship, it was hard to accept that someone I loved, intentionally did such unkind acts. Especially acts that I didn’t deserve. Because I loved this man, I explained away his violent behavior.  I could not understand why he would resort to unnecessary, violent tactics when I was constantly proving my love for him. Why couldn’t he have said, “I don’t care for pork,” instead of throwing dishes and screaming at me? Why wouldn’t he want to return my love and devotion and live in peace? Why total domination? Why humiliation? Why did he reinterpret even the smallest gesture of love, like bringing him a cup of coffee every morning, as something he demand I do, instead of accepting it as an expression of love? It used to make me want to run screaming, “Can’t you see who I am? These tactics aren’t necessary for me to love you or give you attention.”

Abusers don’t see us as we are because we never enter the equation. It is not about us. 

This brings me to an important tool that helped me understand this dynamic— The Power and Control Wheel.

In the 1980s in Duluth Minnesota, a group of battered women who were attending educational groups through a local shelter developed the Power and Control Wheel. They listed tactics that batterers use to control victims. They fell under 8 categories: Using Isolation, Minimizing Denying and Blaming, Using Children, Using Male Privilege, Using Economic Abuse, Using Coercion and Threats, Using Intimidation, and Using Emotional Abuse. They also developed a Wheel of Equality depicting the qualities of healthy relationships: Trust and Support, Honesty and Accountability, Responsible Parenting, Shared Responsibility, Economic Partnership, Negotiation and Fairness, Non-Threatening Behavior, and Respect. 

Duluth's Domestic Abuse Intervention Project uses these wheels in its “Creating a Process of Change for Men Who Batter” curriculum. They are now used widely to help batterers in treatment, victims and others understand that the blame for abuse rests squarely on the shoulders of the abuser. 

The behavior of controllers is so illogical and cruel that victims (and the rest of normal society) find it difficult to believe that this behavior is focused and deliberate. For those of us who have been there, our healing began when we accepted this truth. The abuse had nothing to do with us. It was all about the abuser's sick desire to feel powerful and in control. Unfortunately, it bruised the very core of who we are. We can change that.

The Power and Control Wheel

Using Isolation

Usually, the first indication (red flag) that the relationship is headed in the wrong direction is when the perpetrator begins to isolate the victim. It’s an easy miss because it starts when the relationship is in the limerence stage, the couple is just beginning to get to know one another. Often, they are spending all their free time together, so excited to have one another. After a while, the victim may begin to express the desire to spend some time with other friends or family. The perpetrator, who believes she is pulling away from him, acts hurt, “Don’t you want to be with me?” “Aren’t I important to you anymore?” While this looks like love, it’s actually the beginning of coercive control. He begins to use her love for him to bend her will to his. It often becomes a game of-who do you love more?-prove you love me by giving up time with your friends or family-prove you love me more than your job, pursuing a passion, or activity. He points out her friend's and family members “faults.” If she’s friends with past boyfriends or other guys, he’s hurt, jealous and angry. If she so much as talks to another male it sends him into a tirade. Nothing short of giving up all others will satisfy the controlling partner.

Minimizing Denying and Blaming

At the beginning of the indoctrination into the abuser’s world, a victim may still be strong enough to call the controller on his behavior. Immediately, he will minimize, deny and cast the blame on the victim. Telling her she was too sensitive, his behavior wasn’t that bad then shifting the responsibility to her, “If you hadn’t been flirting with that guy at the party, nothing would have happened.” Giving another guy any kind of attention is considered flirting by a controlling partner.

Using Children

Often controllers use the children by including them in the abuse, “Isn’t Mommy stupid for dropping that cup?” “See how fat your mama is?” Abusers threaten to take the children away if the victim doesn’t comply with all demands or if she tries to leave him. If she’s a stay-at-home Mom, it’s an easy threat, “You could never support the kids, the court will give them to me.” “I have friends who will testify that you are an unfit mother.” These types of statements terrorize the victim into compliance.

Using Male Privilege

The good old boys club is alive and flourishing when it comes to abuse. Cultural rules support men’s dominance over women. Religious tenets are twisted in faith communities. Media is constantly bombarding young men and women with images of violence and power. Glorifying bad boys while claiming nice guys are wimps. Teaching our young women that they are not perfect as they are but in need of cosmetics, surgery, and extreme dieting to be acceptable. All this allows males to see themselves as superior and worthy of unearned respect. They are the kings of their castles and the one who makes and enforces the rules, at a cost to the victim.

Using Economic Abuse

Coinciding with the male privilege myth, a perpetrator often uses economic abuse to hold his victim in the relationship, spouting the myth that men are smarter than women and should handle all finances. Information is power so a controller withholds all financial information from his partners.  The victims have no idea what the total family income is or where it is held. If she is allowed to work, she must turn her paycheck over to her partner, forcing her to ask for money. He holds tight reins on how much money she receives and how she spends it. She has no discretionary funds to do with as she pleases or to stash away so she can leave him.

Using Coercion and threats

A violent partner often carries out threats and harms the victim, the children, or pets to make the point that he will do heinous things, coercing the victim to submit. Subsequent threats to take the children away, report her to child welfare, kill themselves, the victim or children become very real possibilities to the victim. A controller who is involved in criminal activities often forces the victim to participate to assures that the victim will remain loyal. A drug dealing partner may withhold drugs from the victim to force compliance.

Using Intimidation

The very fact that most often the male is larger, stronger, and more physical than a female causes her to feel intimidated. Menacing looks, pounding holes in the walls, brandishing a weapon, smashing her property, and abusing pets and children terrorizes the whole family into obedience.

Using Emotional Abuse

Destroying a victim’s ego is key to holding the victim in the relationship. If she has low self-esteem, she is less likely to leave and more likely to obey. Name-calling and constant criticism are internalized by the victim, causing her to withdraw from others. Crazy-making tactics force her to mistrust her instincts. Making her feel stupid and foolish keeps her from talking to others. Humiliating or embarrassing her in public, cause her to avoid being in public. These tactics play into the isolation that eliminates any support base she may have had, giving the abuser full control.

All these tactics create chaos and fear in a victim’s life. The abuser uses physical and sexual violence to terrorize the victim into compliance, establishing the abuser as the one holding total power and control.

Once we step out of the emotional turmoil and accept his behavior for what it is—his own choosing—we can begin to put things into perspective and shed the guilt knowing that he and he alone is responsible for his behavior. We are in no way at fault. Every decision he made was his choice. Anyone who can choose to be cruel can choose to be kind.

Most important, we see that we are not stupid, inept, or whatever they called us. We can begin to reclaim our true selves.

The Power and Control wheel under the tab above is focused on Men battering women. Next month we’ll look at the Wheel of Equality. If you’d like to download a copy of these wheels for free, please see www.theduluthmodel.org. Wheels for other relationship styles (i.e. teens, same-sex relationships, and elder abuse) can be found on the internet. 

Every Good Choice Equals Success

We usually define success as that place where we arrive after a lot of hard work. What I've learned is that we are already successful just by setting our sights on a worthy goal and taking the first step in that direction. When you think about it, it makes sense. Every choice we make moves us closer to or away from the life we want. 

Coming out of a violent relationship, we seek a happier, more fulfilling, and peaceful life. We may have a clear vision of what that would look like or we may have only a vague idea. Either way, it doesn’t matter, our vision can be developed and tweaked as we move along re-learning who we want to be and what we want to do with our lives?  

As we pull our lives together we are often engaged in an exhausting battle with our ex-partners over the children and possessions. If we keep our focus only on the struggles it’s draining and easy to give up. If we set a worthy goal for ourselves, one that aligns with our values, we will subconsciously be working toward that ideal. Does that make those daily battles any easier? No. We still have to put one foot in front of the other to deal with the difficult stuff. However, what it does give us is a solid foundation that holds us aloft, hope and expectation for a better future, that light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

What I am suggesting is that while we keep our eyes on our goals let’s also broaden our vision to include celebrating the changes we see in ourselves every day. Every good choice is a success. Every release of an old habit that held us back is a success. As we fill our lives with behaviors and beliefs that aligned with our values, the old detrimental behaviors and beliefs fade away, moving us closer to who and what we want to be. Our self-esteem grows giving us more strength to continue moving forward.

Here are some suggestions to help you get started:

Write a Mission Statement, an expression of your vision and values. Reflect on what is important to you. Keep it simple, just 3-4 sentences. Use positive statements such as; My home is a safe place filled with peace and kindness, I respect myself and others. Your mission statement can be adjusted as your life evolves. (See my post for 2013.10.01 for more about writing a mission statement.)

Create a Vision Board, to support your Mission Statement. On your computer or a bulletin board, collect and post things that bring you joy, words that you would like to describe yourself, your passions, affirmations that lift you up, and pictures of people you admire. Anything related to your hopes for your future. Put the board where you will see it every day. It will help you keep your focus on where you are going. 

By doing these two activities, you are already moving in the direction you want to go. The decisions you make from this point on are measured against whether they will move you closer to your plan for your future or away from it. 

If you are looking for a better job, make a list of the things that light up your soul, and your passions. Post them on your board. Let your choices move you in the direction of a job that will align with your passions. Take a night class, or computer course, or study on your own. Network, get out among people who enjoy the things you do, and let them know you are job hunting. Knock on doors. See every “no” as another step closer to  a “yes.”

If you are looking for a healthy relationship, list what you have to offer a partner then list the traits you want in a partner and post them on your vision board. As you meet potential partners, keep your eyes open and don’t minimize or explain away the red flags, i.e. rushing you into an intimate relationship, hurting your feelings then calling you “too sensitive.” You’ve pledged to respect yourself. If you feel rushed or disrespected, the relationship is over. Keep your kind heart in check and don’t get hooked into trying to fix someone else's life, this is the time to focus on your own. (You are not being selfish.)

Gather a support group around you. People who are positive and uplifting. People who will call you out in a loving way when you’ve strayed from your path. Those who will meet you where you are and listen more than talk. Ones who let you talk out your struggle until you’ve come up with the best solution.

Keep a journal. It’s a great way to measure your success and see how far you’ve come. List all your success. Your first is the fact that you made the decision to leave an unhealthy relationship. Then you actually left, no small feat and another huge success. Now you are learning to let go of the false beliefs and relearning what a remarkable and gifted person you are. Keep a record of all your thoughts and feelings. Review your journal to remind yourself how far you’ve come.

This journey is a learning experience. That means there are no mistakes, just redirections. Setbacks will come, use them to reevaluate and tweak your vision. When the “old” behaviors try to take over, congratulate yourself for recognizing them and celebrate the fact that you no longer let them control you. Trust your vision to direct your path as the life you are meant to have unfolds.

Take a moment right now to celebrate your successes. Let’s happy dance!

Girl Claims Beating is Proof of Love

Dr. Phil aired an interview with an 18-year-old girl who gives dating advice to others using Youtube. Seems she is very popular with younger girls. Deadly serious (deadly is the appropriate word here) she stated that a girl should be grateful if her boyfriend beats her. Why? Because he was taking his time to teach her how to behave better as his girlfriend. It means he loves her. Furthermore, she said he was investing his time and money in her so she should be grateful. In a later Youtube video, she claims she broke up with the guy because he didn’t beat her hard enough so she didn’t think he loved her.

Yes, she really said the above. Worse yet, the first video received over 5 million views. 

With all the information out there on teen dating violence, it’s shocking to hear this. I’m sure that you are just as angry and horrified as I am at this girl’s misinformed, outrageous comments. There are so many wrong ideas included in her statements that I don’t even know where to begin talking about them. Let me try. She believes:

1. He only hits her because he loves her. Someone who loves you would never deliberately inflict pain on you.
2. His time is more important than hers. In her opinion, her time or pain wasn’t important enough to consider. She’s accepted a step-down position in the relationship. In healthy relationships, each person has equal value.
3. He is entitled to make the rules for their relations. In healthy relationships, each partner is as concerned for the other’s happiness and well-being as they are for their own.
4. Her assigned job is to be who he wants her to be. In healthy relationships partners are free to be themselves and are encouraged to pursue their passion in life.
5. His opinions are more important than hers. In healthy relationships, each partner’s opinion is respected even if it differs from the other’s opinion.  
6. He has a right to hit her if she displeases him. In healthy relationships partners never inflict pain, humiliate, call each other derogatory names, or intentionally hurt the other in any way.
7. He is entitled to have everything the way he wants it. In healthy relationships, disagreements are negotiated. One person does not always have to kowtow to the other.
8. She should feel lucky and grateful that he chose her as his girlfriend when he could have had anyone he wanted. In a healthy relationship, each partner thinks they are the luckiest one and treats the other with care.

Dr. Phil, in his straightforward style, challenged her thinking, asking how she felt telling very young girls (who seem to be her biggest fans) something that could cause them serious harm? By this time I was on the edge of my sofa cheering Dr. Phil on. The girl steadfastly clung to her beliefs. She insisted that these guys love their girlfriends because by beating the girls, the guys risk going to jail. Dr. Phil outed her on the fact that she took a few thousand dollars from the guy to not prosecute him for battery. It was no surprise when she walked off the show. (You can see excerpts and a transcript from this show at drphil.com. Air date January 28, 2015.)

Was she just looking for fame? Most likely. However, the information she was willing to share is dangerous to our impressionable kids. 

To fight this sick thinking, we have to continue to get the word out to our teens, girls, and boys. Relationships are based on mutual trust, respect, and kindness. Someone who loves you wants you to pursue your passion and be all that you can be. They will be your greatest cheerleader as you are theirs. Jealousy, hitting and name-calling have no part in a healthy relationship.

Each person is responsible to create a life using his or her own gifts and talents. When they choose to be together, their lives overlap creating a space where they nurture and build a solid relationship based on shared values, honesty, trust, love, and respect. One partner’s life should never absorb and dissolve the other’s life. No one needs a partner to complete them. They are already whole.

It’s never too soon to start talking to your kids about dating violence and healthy relationships. Teach them the components of a healthy relationship so they have a measuring stick when they begin dating.

February is Teen Dating Awareness Month.

A Ceremony of Gratitude

Since the fall, 3 women who were pivotal in my life passed away. Two were in their mid-80s and my mother was 96. Vastly different women, but all gave me gifts that made me who I am today.

Alice passed away first. She was a mother of 5. Loved each child like a rock. Always had a pot of something good on the stove and made room for any extra folks that tagged along come dinner time. When I was in her presence, I felt loved as a part of her family. She was fun and playful, and always had a sparkle in her eyes. She and her husband were a team and very much in love. I wanted to have a big heart like hers. I wanted my children to know that I loved them like a rock. It was during a 4th of July party at her house that my former husband blew up at me and outed himself as an abuser. It was she who stood up to my spouse and protected me.

My mother passed away a few weeks after Alice did. She’d had a difficult early life and wasn’t a touchy-feely kind of mother. In spite of her pain, she focused on the good things in her life and was always quick to tell one of her funny life stories. I also learned from the sayings she was always quoting: You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Whatever you do— give it 100%. If someone doesn’t like you—kill them with kindness, you’ll either win them over or drive them crazy. She was the one who told me it is never okay for a man to hit a woman—never. (That became my touchstone to what I’d put up with when it came to abuse. Now I know that abuse is much more than hitting.) She taught me to be kind to others. When I needed her most, she was there.

Helen was my sister-in-law’s stepmom. When my former husband took me away from my family, we moved to the area where Helen and her husband lived. She was stylish, feminine, and strong. She managed a department of a store. Having been raised feeling I was mousy and unattractive and having a spouse who saw me as a millstone around his neck, my self-image was in the dumpster. But Helen made me feel intelligent, beautiful, and feminine. She saw things in me that no one else had ever recognized. Characteristics that I hoped I’d developed. She made me feel worthy.

Distance and timing of notification prevented me from attending the funerals of my dear friends. My mother, who had outlived her peers, had insisted that she didn’t want anything more than a graveside service. Thinking about these three women I needed more than a phone call or lowering of the casket into the ground. I needed a recognition ceremony, one that acknowledged their cherished place in my life. 

I gathered three candles together and set them on my prayer/meditation table. As I lit one for each of these unique women, I thanked God for them, for the lessons they’d taught me, and especially for their love and encouragement at my most difficult times. I looked at pictures, remembering their gestures, smiles, and laughs. Gratitude filled me. It was a holy moment.

It wasn’t much of a ceremony but it was enough to ease my heartache, acknowledge them and say goodbye. We often think ceremonies have to be overseen by a faith leader. They don’t. We can create our own.

Here on the cusp of a new year, I'm thinking of a ceremony that celebrates the joys from 2014 and releases the sorrows. Maybe you'd like to join me in spending a quiet moment reflecting on all the blessings received this past year. Then spend time unpacking the painful stuff so we don't carry it into 2015.

I count you all among my cherished blessings. Wishing you a joy-filled 2015.

A Chuckle And Wink Won't Explain Away Bad Behavior Anymore

Because Ray Rice punched out his then-girlfriend, now wife, Janey, I think that the NFL as well as others have learned that “boys will be boys” stated with a chuckle and wink won’t excuse abuse anymore. The brutal behavior in the elevator has brought domestic abuse to the forefront. That’s the only good thing about it. I’ve not written much about this incident. Been waiting to see how it played out. The incident has continued to fill the headlines. People debate the role the NFL should have in disciplining the player. The contract includes a code of conduct that is meant to keep a black eye off the NFL. If they are serious about that, they need to prevent black eyes and other injuries to the partners and children of the players. The best way to prevent abuse is to educate employees. Some may need batterer’s treatment, and others, awareness training. Sounds like the only educating they’ve done so far is to teach victims to stay silent.

The more survivors willing to come forward reduces the chance that domestic abuse will be swept under the carpet like gun control was after the death of so many children, innocent bystanders, and police officers. There are no deep-pocketed lobbyists protecting abusers. Or are there?

Think of the pressure put on Janey as a result of this incident- the NFL would like to downplay what happened so it can go away and they can get back to playing the game, not to mention smooth things over so that sponsors won’t pull out. The NFL has huge amounts of money to lose, and Ray, his career. So they look to Janey to make herself responsible for the whole mess. She’s in a no-win situation. If she files charges, he will hate her and possibly make her pay for destroying his career (in the abuser’s mind his bad behavior is his partner’s fault.) The league will make her the scapegoat, blackballing her and painting her as the one at fault.

Former wives of NFL players are coming forward to report how the league had drawn them into a cult-like existence where what happens in your home stays in your home. Women were expected to buck up and put up with violence or affairs to protect not only the player but the whole team and the integrity of the NFL. If they didn’t play nice, they were booted into poverty.

If nothing else, the Ray Rice incident has shown how this behavior has been cultivated but will no longer be accepted. Other sports clubs are reevaluating their codes of conduct. I’d call that a step forward. Now we need the legal system to prosecute perpetrators, no matter who they are. Big money has managed to trump that in the past. It’s time to put the blame where it belongs— the abuser ruined his own career, not the wife who came forward to save herself and her children. 

I’m glad to see victims of rape and abuse speak out with a new strength, no longer afraid that they won’t be taken seriously. Still, they are met with stupid comments and myths like:

• “These claimants are just jumping on the bandwagon, out for money.” Really? Most of these cases are past the statute of limitations. 
• “They are seeking to become a celebrity.” Seriously? Why would anyone declare themselves victims of abuse when there is such a stigma attached? Unfortunately, there are easier ways to become a celeb these days, but that’s another blog.
• “They just want to make trouble.” Once again, victim blaming. Those who perpetrated the violence made this happen. 
• “It’s a family matter. We don’t interfere.” If Ray had punched someone on the street, wouldn’t he have been arrested and charged? Why should battery laws only apply if the victim is not his partner or child? Why should celebrities be above the law?
• “She must like it, she stays. She could just leave.” Seriously, who would welcome being terrorized and punched in the face? Women stay for many reasons, mostly they feel trapped and terrorized. Leaving is the most dangerous time for victims and children. When they leave, they are 70% more likely to be murdered. See my post Why Women Stay or Return to Abusers from January 9, 2011, for a better understanding of this issue.
• “She said it was her fault. She antagonized him.” We covered this in the paragraph about the pressure put on Janey. Victims live in such fear that they will do anything to make peace. Including accepting the blame and marrying the perpetrator. After all, he’s been telling her all along that he wouldn’t hit her if she didn’t make him so angry. Anything short of taking responsibility for the incident could cost the victim her life. 
• “She hit him first.” The difference between a man’s and a women’s punch is usually about 100 pounds (in the case of a football player- 200 pounds.) As a large man, he could have easily restrained her to protect himself. Instead, he chose to punch her out. When Janey hit Ray he was not afraid for his life. When a man hits a woman, she’s afraid for her life. I’d call that a huge difference. Let me make it clear— no one needs to be hitting anyone. 

Ray Rice’s bad behavior has given us the opportunity to educate society and get rid of ridiculous and dangerous beliefs. We need to keep this conversation going. No matter how many times we must respond to these archaic myths, we have to keep repeating the truth until everyone gets it. No sweeping it under the rug. Violence is not okay.