Anger Management vs Batterers' Treatment

Anger Management Treatment (AMT) is designed for those who frequently experience momentary outbursts of anger to intense rage.  The programs are not regulated or certified. They teach participants to pinpoint their triggers and develop ways to control their anger or express it in an appropriate manner (i.e. deep breaths, time-outs, delaying a discussion until one has calmed down). 

Clinical experience and preliminary evaluations by Edward W. Gondolf and David Russell show that anger control does not help end spousal abuse and that the tools taught are likely to be misused by batterers. “[Intimate partner] abuse is not anger-driven but more of a socially impose “need” to control women.”1

AMT does not address the issue of power and control that is at the root of abuse. While it can reduce the outburst, it does not address the perpetrator's faulty beliefs regarding male dominance and entitlement. He may use the “tools” he learned in treatment to abuse. He sees his partner’s behavior as the trigger that provokes his temper—laying the blame squarely on the victim. The assumption is that she needs to change her behavior.2 Time-outs can give the perpetrator time to go to the local bar—fueling his rage, delaying a discussion can mean days of stony silent treatments toward the victim. The abuse continues in a different but equally destructive manner.

Spousal abuse is about maintaining power and control over the other. Anger is only one of the many behaviors perpetrators use to intimidate and terrify their partners into submission. Controlling partners feel entitled to use any means to assert their power. If they believe their authority position is endangered, they take any action they deem necessary to reclaim the upper hand. They are never “out of control” but are continually calculating how to stay in power.

While anger is addressed, batterers’ treatment (BT) is designed to identify the beliefs that support controlling partners’ choices and change them. Perpetrators are held accountable for their past violent behavior and are expected to learn new skills to stop. Treatment teaches perpetrators that violent acts and words are a choice—their choice. They alone are responsible for their coercive and controlling behavior and it is their responsibility to stop it. 

Lasting change can be achieved through specialized treatment programs that help controllers see their partners as people with feelings, needs, and rights. An additional goal of BT is to create a safer environment for the victims and their families.

BT programs are usually state-certified. Support for victims is a crucial part of treatment. Intake from spouses and frequent “check-ins,” to determine any change in their level of fear, is key to their safety. Keeping the spouses in the loop is also an opportunity to verify that new behaviors are in practice at home as well as to update spouses on what they should expect in the future. 

The program provides victims with important data regarding their partner's efforts to end their entitlement beliefs through therapy. This allows victims to make the important decision; should I stay or leave? The safest time for victims to leave is while their partners are in treatment. Though victims often struggle with leaving when the abusers are finally getting help. BT professionals never shame or try to dissuade victims from leaving. 

“The effects of living with long-term abuse interfere with being able to trust yourself.”3 Stopping the abuse or leaving is not the end of the story. Victims also need treatment to heal from violence. After years of being blamed, they need to understand that they are not responsible for their partners’ choices. Rebuilding self-esteem is necessary, as well as self-trust. Seeing a therapist who is trained in working with victims of abuse helps survivors move through the healing process and on to a better, peaceful, and stable life.

(For more information on batterers' treatment and how to find and work with a therapist go to Hazelden's online bookstore at http://www.hazelden.org/OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=15124&sitex=10020:22372:US, scroll down and click on the link "Interviews with Domestic Abuse Experts" for a free download. The first interview is with Darald Hanusa  Ph.D. L.C.S.W. The second interview is with Jennifer Parker, M.S.S.W., L.C.S.W.) 

1. Edward W. Gondolf, EdD, MPH and David Russell. Anger Management vs Perpetrator Intervention Programs: www.scribd.com/document/323169484/Anger-Management-vs-Perpetrator-Intervention-Programs#  
2. I am using “she” as the victim and “he” as the controlling partner for ease of writing. Abusers can be male or female.
3. Jennifer Parker, M.S.S.W., L.C.S.W.

Learned Stress

When we experience an occasional fearful situation, our brain directs the release of the flight or fight stress hormone, cortisol. When the danger subsides and we feel safe again, the flow of cortisol subsides. While this hormone is necessary when we are in imminent danger, a steady flow of it is not healthy.

Living in abusive relationships fight or flight is our constant companion. Every moment of every day we must be hyper-vigilant, trying to avoid the expected next blowup. Even after leaving the relationship, our bodies are not able to readily adjust to the fact that the danger is over and turn off the fight or flight reaction. Feeling unsafe becomes our bodies’ norm. It is learned stress. 

When we add current events into the mix we find our health in danger. Our minds are constantly stewing about everything that is difficult in our lives and the world. We exhaust ourselves and feel paralyzed. We stop nurturing ourselves—or never start. Drugs, alcohol, or other addictions can enter the picture as a way to cope. However, they send us into numbness. In a sense, we stop experiencing the trauma but we also miss out on the happiness in our lives.

To heal, the body needs to recognize that the danger has passed and that we are now safe. 

Being gentle with ourselves and practicing self-care/compassion can move us in the right direction. I’ve been working on ways to ease the commotion in my brain and body. There are a lot of suggestions from the foremost minds in mental and physical health. Let me share with you the ones that work best for me.

The popularity of mindfulness is growing. Living in the present moment we can ask ourselves if we feel safe at this moment. When our minds spin off into the future “awfulizing” what could disrupt our peace, we bring it back to “I am safe at this moment.” When our mind spins off into the past, “I thought I was safe then, and look what happened,” again, we remind ourselves, “I am safe at this moment.” Working toward staying in the present can help calm the anxiety.

Part of the mindfulness practice includes taking time to sit quietly and listen to our breath. Deep restful breathing calms the body and mind. When our restless mind allows destructive thoughts to arise, we recognize them and then let them go without berating ourselves. Labeling them can help us step outside the thought and tell ourselves, “That is my fear of ending up in another abusive relationship. Now that I know the danger signs, I will walk away from anyone who doesn’t treat me with respect.” It takes some practice, but following our breath is helpful in times of stress.

I shoot for taking time to sit in the quiet or with some peaceful music every day. It doesn’t have to be a long period of time, just a few minutes to concentrate on my breath. It’s a good time to spend in prayer or meditation, quieting my thoughts. I’m still working on learning to observe any thoughts that arise and not become engaged in them. Some days are easier than others. On the harder days, I use guided meditation. (free meditations are available at www.meditationoasis.com—click on Listen— then Podcasts.)

Coloring books for adults are becoming popular. Coloring is also a mindful activity, that keeps you in the present moment instead of fretting. There are free mandalas available on the internet. Also coloring books from museums. (www.openculture.com/2017/02/free-coloring-books-from-world-class-libraries-museums.html)

When my mind is particularly active, I’ve found that journaling about my concerns is a good segue into the quiet. Spitting everything that is bothering me onto a blank page seems to help me put it to rest, allowing me to better concentrate on my work or go to sleep.

Sleep is way more important than I realized. When working and raising children, sleep is a luxury and the first thing that goes by the wayside while holding the head of a vomiting child or helping with the homework that is due tomorrow and forgotten until this very moment. We learned to exist on little sleep.  

Though there is no set rule, since our bodies are all different, it is suggested that we shoot for 7-8 hours. That meant I had to turn off the news and late-night talk shows and learn to fall asleep earlier than what had been my habit. It took some practice. Once settled, the restless brain syndrome (my made-up name for the problem) sets in. My brain throttles up and ruminates on everything and anything that frustrates or worries me. I swear, it would pick some tiny thing that would be a fluff of lint in the light of day and whip it up into an asteroid about to crash into the earth. Also, it would prod me to take a peek at the news just in case I was missing something really important. If neither of these worked, it would start throwing down odds that I was going to lay away until my “normal” bedtime, anyway. There has been a period of laying awake but I am settling into this new routine. I do feel better the next day which reinforces the change.

The light from our computers also affects our ability to go to sleep. That means shutting down our electronic devices at least an hour before bed. I’m working on turning off my electronics for the night after dinner. I’m not quite comfortable with this, yet. Picking up my phone or other device is a knee-jerk reaction. 

The way the brain constantly collects and processes data is amazing and no small feat now that we are besieged with information through electronics/social media. Something that used to be a catch-up-with-friends social time now inundates us with information that heightens our stress levels. Consider a day without it. Sunday is my day to feed my spirit. OWN's Soul Sunday, a cup of tea, a good book, and a sunny spot makes for a lovely day and does wonders for my harried brain. I didn’t realize how driven I was to keep up with everything. It was exhausting. I’m considering expanding my media fast to 2 days.

Exercise, yoga, and T’ai Chi are also great to help quiet the mind and keep the body supple and healthy. I like the app Yoga Studio. It’s free and has classes for different levels of ability. You can even put together your own class if you’d like. 

Let’s unlearn stress by nurturing our bodies and spirits every day. 

Let Go of the Rope

In his book Friedman’s Fables, Edwin H. Friedman tells the story of a young man who had worked hard to learn and grow so that he could use his gifts and do something in the world. Finally, the window of opportunity opens. Excited about his future, the young man headed for town. 

As he began to cross the bridge that led to the center of the city, he noticed a man coming toward him uncoiling a rope from around his waist. The man stopped in front of the young man and asked him if he would hold the end of the rope for a moment. Surprised by this incident and being a kind person, the young man took the end of the rope. The man gave a stern directive to hold tight with both hands then he promptly jumped over the side of the bridge. He was suspended above the rushing river.  

The young man, not being strong enough to pull the man up, held tight and braced himself against the edge of the bridge so the jumper wouldn’t fall to his death. He called to the jumper to climb up the rope. But the man reminded the young man that he had promised to hold on and was now in charge of the jumper's life. The young man suggested other ways the jumper could help save his own life but his pleas were ignored.

When I read this story, I saw this as a perfect metaphor for abusive relationships. They arrest our life, dreams, hopes, and passions. We become totally responsible for taking care of another’s needs. And like the jumper, abusers don’t care that the person holding the rope is forced to give up his or her life. The abuser is not willing to make any changes, preferring the status quo. 

Understanding that the jumper refuses to help himself, the young man relinquishes the responsibility for the outcome to the jumper. He clearly states that if the jumper doesn’t climb up the rope, he will let go. Like our abusers, the jumper tried all his old tricks to force the young man to hang on.  We were told:

• I can’t live without you
• I’m sorry/I will change
• You said you loved me
• I’ll kill myself and/or you
• I’ll take the children away from you
• You are too stupid and inept to survive without me
• No one else would ever want you

These are only a few of the physical and emotional threats. 

Because we have been conditioned to believe that we are responsible for our partner’s well-being, we do a number on ourselves thinking:

• If I had been a better partner this wouldn’t be happening
• I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it
• I promised to stay
• He’s in pain, and I have to help him/fix him
• I can’t make it on my own

Along with many other derogatory messages that have been embedded in our psyche.

If you haven’t already, it is time to give the responsibility for your partner’s life back to your partner. Let go of the guilt, feelings of responsibility, and sympathy. Let go of the rope.

What To Say to a Victim of Abuse

Last month we heard from two survivors of domestic violence. They shared the painful comments they received from others when they disclosed that they were in abusive relationships. This month let’s look at what victims need to hear from their families and friends. 

The best thing a friend or family member can do is to listen to and confirm the victim's feelings. 

“I’m sorry this happened to you.”

Victims need to know that you believe them. You may be totally shocked and have never seen any signs. It’s easy to respond with “I can’t believe it” when taken by surprise. If you do, stop yourself and confirm that you believe she is telling the truth and you are in her corner.

If you are not surprised, be kind with your words. Telling her you saw it coming or you were aware of it all along, can be hurtful and make her feel more foolish than she already does. The above statement is enough. Let her talk, and you listen.

Be careful not to demonize the perpetrator. Stay with confirming that his behavior was wrong. If you attack him, she may feel the need to protect him and not take steps to leave. 

Let her experience her own anger. Confirm her right to her feelings. Refrain from becoming angry and going off on a tirade. If you do, you will be carrying her anger for her. She needs to feel it and deal with it herself. Let her know that you are a safe person to whom she can express her feeling.

 “You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

Victims have been brainwashed to believe that the abuse is their fault. There may have been times when she fought back, making her feel she participated in the violence, even provoked it. We know that women fight back only in an attempt to protect themselves or their children. 

“The abuse is not your fault.”

Perpetrators pick apart everything a victim does or says and constantly criticize them. Victims internalize this and feel shame—believing they are inherently inadequate and incapable. Remind her that she is not responsible for his violent choices—he is.

“You deserve better.”

Remind her of all the wonderful things about her. Her abuser has been telling her how worthless and stupid she is. Help her see her gifts and abilities. 

Additional ways to help:

• Call the police immediately if you witness any abuse.
• Offer to help her find a shelter or do the research on your own so you are ready to help in an emergency.
• Offer to let her call for help from your cell or home phone when she is ready to reach out for help.
• Ask if it is okay for you to take pictures of any bruising or injuries on her. Print them, write the date on the back and keep them in a safe place. They can be used as evidence, later.
• Keep a dated list of abuse that you have witnessed. It can be helpful if she goes to court.
• Note on your calendar dates when you saw bruising on her. Include the location on her body, its size, and color. Again this helps prove ongoing abuse and can result in a longer sentence for the perpetrator.
• See the Safety Planning information in the tab at the top of this page. Go over the information together. Offer to keep a suitcase of her clothing and important documents at your house should she need to leave her home quickly. Have a signal that tells you she is in danger and you should call the police.

Abusers can be very dangerous. Those who have never used physical violence may do so when the victim is trying to leave. Never put yourself in danger by confronting the abuser. Even if you think you can reason with him, you can’t. Most likely, your good intention will give the perpetrator an excuse to attack the victim or you.

Standing with a victim who is struggling to decide whether or not to leave can be difficult. You know she should leave, but she may not be ready to make that move for many logical reasons. If you cheerlead her out of the relationship before she is ready to stay out, she will most likely return to him. Feeling she has let you down will add to her already burgeoning guilt. She doesn’t need that. Let her know that you will continue to love her and will respect her decision even if you disagree.

It takes courage to walk with a friend through domestic abuse. It may weigh heavy on you. If so, shelter hotlines or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-7997233) can be a resource to give you guidance and support as you help your friend.

Helping someone else should never hurt you. If you feel overwhelmed, take care of yourself. Give your friend the number for the shelter and the national hotline. There are others who are trained to work with victims. You can be the seed planter and let the professionals take over.

3 Issues That Keep Victims From Moving On

The false belief that we cannot live without our controlling partners is one reason many victims struggle when trying to move forward. Amid those horrible times, there were good times and we still love them—or who we thought they were—or could be. The life we lived was familiar. The unfamiliar scares us—after all, things could be worse.

Think back to when you were a child. Did you have a blanket or stuffed toy that meant the world to you? You carried it everywhere and slept with it tucked under your arm. When it was lost, you were hysterical. Frantic and in tears, you searched everywhere, terrified that your beloved companion was gone forever. When it was found you were elated.

Where is that toy today? Most likely it is packed away in a keepsake box or was tossed out years ago. While at that time it represented comfort. As you grew older, you learned to comfort yourself. You stopped carrying your precious toy or blanket because you matured beyond that stage of your life.

The same thing will happen when you cut ties with your ex. As you rebuild your life you will move beyond this relationship and create stronger and healthier self-confidence. The time will come when you see your ex at some family function and do not believe you were ever with that person.

Another reason some victims have trouble moving on is that they desperately want to be validated by their former partners. Survivors want their exes to admit they were monsters and be sorry. The truth is—narcissists will never, under any circumstances, face up to their wretched behavior or feel sorry for anything they did or anyone they hurt. 

Empathy and compassion are not a part of their psychological makeup. Even if their victims become ill or homeless, narcissists will never take responsibility for their contribution to the problem. They feel no shame. They are more likely to see the occurrences as validation of their low opinions of their victims.

If you find yourself thinking that your partner will come around and feel sorry for what they’ve done to you, see a therapist trained in helping victims of abuse and talk through this issue. Being stuck in this mindset can cause you to unintentionally sabotage your own success. 

You cannot punish a narcissist by hurting yourself. The only way to punish a narcissist is to open your wings and soar. Once you accept your worthiness, you won’t need validation from anyone else—especially your ex.

Being kind and empathetic, victims can also be waylaid by exes who become intentionally homeless and impoverished to avoid paying support. They may try to manipulate their victims by asking to move in with them (or not move out) until they can “get back on their feet.” If that doesn't work, they may claim a trumped-up illness to finagle their way back into their victims’ lives. Once they get a foot in the door, they will pull every stunt they can to stay and retake control.

Let’s be clear—success depends on one’s own efforts. It’s not easy, but it is doable. Having made the decision to end the relationship, you are no longer responsible to take care of your ex—for any reason. Focus on improving your life and let your ex take responsibility for theirs. 

I know that if you have children with this person, you are not able to totally cut off communication with your ex. Work on emotionally distancing yourself from him or her and holding your boundaries. A therapist can help you develop a plan to deal with your ex and protect your progress. You deserve a happy life.

Safety Planning for Adults and Teens

Whether you stay with a controlling partner or leave, it’s important that you plan for your safety (as well as your children’s safety).

If you are like I was, you’ve run the gamut of “fixes” and nothing has worked. Feeling helpless, in an effort to cope, we try to ignore, deny or minimize what is happening. The danger of going numb is that we may not be aware that the severity of the abuse continues to escalate. If your partner hasn’t physically attacked you yet, there’s a good chance he or she will.

I’ve added a page: “Safety Planning” (see tab above). Adults or teens will find some detailed advice on whether they plan to leave or continue in the controlling relationship.

Below are some general suggestions.

If You Chose to Stay

You know the indicators that your partner is heading toward a violent tirade or battering episode. Some of my warning signals were: the sound of his firm and determined footsteps coming across the wooden porch, the way he postured himself to look large and menacing, his voice became low and measured, and his eyes darkened. 

As victims, we are more adept at reading our partners’ body language than we are at recognizing our own feelings. Yet, our bodies react to the impending verbal or physical attack with a number of signals: a knot in our chests or stomachs, trembling, relentless chatter in our minds, and stark terror—throwing us into fight or flight mode.

We may become paralyzed with fear, unable to run away. We didn’t fight back because past history showed us that whenever we tried to our partners met our attempts with harsher, more deadly violence. If you have a safety plan, you are prepared to react. You move into self-protection mode.  

Consider these questions as you develop your plan:

1. When things begin to escalate, how can you safely remove yourself from the location? 
2. Do you have a cellphone so you can call 911 if necessary?
3. Have you downloaded a DV app to notify friends and 911 if you are in danger? (https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/)
4. Do you have a neighbor who is willing to call the police if there is any indication that you are in trouble? 
5. Where can you go? Do you have family or friends to stay with? 
6. Do you know the location of your local shelter?
7. What do you need to take with you—i.e. Clothing, personal items, copies of important documents, money, and car keys? Have them packed and stored safely with a friend or family member.
8. Document all abuse, noting the date and what occurred. Take photos of any injuries, print them and write the date and details on the back. Keep this information in a safety deposit box or at a friend’s house. Your documentation is admissible in court to show ongoing abuse. 

If You Have Children

If you have children, plan for their safety, too. I was privileged to hear Olga Trujillo, a survivor of abuse, speak about growing up in a violent home. Her saving grace was a neighbor lady who welcomed Olga into her home to sit and talk. The neighbor heard the chaos from next door and was aware of Olga’s situation. The woman never trashed Olga’s father but talked to her about self-protection. She asked Olga where she could hide from her raging father until it was safe. Together they sang songs that Olga could sing softly while she hid. The songs distracted her from listening to the carnage. 

Developing a plan with your children gives them permission to protect themselves and not feel they have to try to stop daddy from hurting mommy. A plan gives them some control over the situation.

1. Help them find a safe place to hide until the danger has passed. It can be at a neighbor’s house or a hidden spot within the house. Have a code word that tells them when it is safe to come out. Let them practice moving to their “safe place” quickly.
2. Plan something to distract them from the tirade while they hide in the house: songs to sing, earphones, paper and crayons, books— items stashed there.
3. Teach them how and when to get help. Teach them how to dial 911 and give their address. Have a code word that tells them when to make that call.

If You Plan to Leave

It is especially important for victims to have help when planning to leave. The risk of death increases by 70% at that time. Partners who have never been physical can become physical batterers when their victims attempt to leave. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800- 799-7233) can assist you as you plan your exit. Your local shelter can provide you with an advocate to help you plan, leave safely and prepare to move through the court system for a No-Contact order or other legal issues. If you are in need of a place to live, the women’s shelter can house you or help you find housing. If finances are a concern, the shelter can often help you find needed resources.

Consider what safety measures are needed for protection:

1. If your partner has been removed from your home change your locks. Install an alarm system.
2. Download a DV app to notify your friends or 911 should you need help: https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/ 
3. Keep a trusted friend aware of your daily activities, where you are going, when you will return.
4. Keep a log of any unwanted contact with your ex.
5. Take photographs of any injuries, print them and write the date and other details on the back. Keep these in a safe place. Your documentation is admissible in court to prove ongoing abuse.
6. Notify teachers or any activity leader that your children are not to leave with your former partner.

See the Safety Planning tab above for more details.

If You are a Teen or Tween

Know that you deserve a relationship that makes your heart sing. If you are spending time crying over your partner and giving up who you are to please him or her, you are not in a healthy relationship. Someone who loves you will not call you names, embarrass you in front of others and insist on having his or her own way all the time. You can do better. I promise this is not the only person you will ever love, and he or she is definitely not the only one who will ever love you.

• Tell your parents, a friend, a counselor, a clergyman, or someone else whom you trust and who can help. The more isolated you are from friends and family, the more control the abuser has over you.
• Download a DV app to notify your parents, friends, or 911 should you need help: https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/ 
• Alert the school counselor or security. They can watch out for you.
• Plan and rehearse what you would do if your partner became abusive.
• Keep a daily log of the abuse. Include the date, time, what happened, and photos of any injuries.
• Break up with him or her in the safest way—by text message.
• Do not meet your partner alone. Do not let him or her into your home or car when you are alone.
• Avoid being alone at school, at your job, or on the way to and from places.
• Tell someone where you are going and when you plan to return.
• Report stalking to the police.

Never believe that you have to go through this alone because no one cares about you. There is help. It is important to have a community of support. Reach out.

Yours, Mine and Ours; Healthy Relationships

When two healthy people come together, their worlds overlap into a space where they create a life together built on respect, trust and communication. They share common interests and friends and at the same time, continue their own interests. They have time together, time alone, and time with friends and family. Differences of opinion are discussed and respected. One person does not always have to give in to the other. Decisions are made jointly. Each partner’s voice has equal value.    

This concept can feel foreign to a survivor of domestic violence. 

Before we met our controlling partners, we had a life. Some of us had jobs and lived on our own, while others were finishing up an education. We had dreams for our futures and were in the process of uncovering our talents and figuring out how to use them. Our worlds were filled with activities that we loved, families, and friends.

Our controlling partners came into the relationships with their own individual worlds. At the beginning of the relationship, our partners were willing to participate in activities we enjoyed. They encouraged us to follow our passions.

Over time, our partners created reasons why we should not spend time with our friends using lies like: “Your best friend hit on me. She’s not your friend.” “Mike told me they laugh at you behind your back.” Intentionally, isolating us, giving them more influence over our lives.

Our partners made it difficult for us to continue to follow our passions: “Your job is more important to you than I am. Don’t you love me?” “You need to face the fact that you are never going to make it in that career. You’re just not smart enough.” They accused us of being selfish and damaged our self-esteem so they had more control.

Drawn, coerced, or forced to stop our life journeys, our worlds dissolved. That left us standing in the abusers’ realms. They positioned themselves at the center of their worlds and our job was to serve their needs and wants. We, as human beings, ceased to exist and were seen as nothing more than property. Narcissists believe that they have the right to use any means—including physical force—to keep their property.

Relationships after domestic violence are scary. While we yearn to share our lives with someone, we no longer trust our judgment to pick a partner. Also, we don’t trust our ability to take care of ourselves, and our children. That fear can cause us to jump into a new relationship before we are ready and, worse yet, before we’ve vetted our new partner.

When I joined a rebuilding group, the first thing the facilitator said was, “For the next year, you are not a good date.” He went on to warn us about rushing into a relationship before we healed. When it comes to leaving an abusive relationship, those words are particularly important. Desperately seeking another partner can almost guarantee that it will be another violent one. That’s because we gravitate toward what we know--what feels comfortable. Our understanding of relationships could have been skewed as early as childhood if we grew up in a violent family. To end abuse, we have to change what feels comfortable. That takes time and introspection.

We must learn that we can take care of ourselves and our children. Good decisions do not come from a place of desperation and fear. That means we reassemble our world. We grieve the loss of time that could have been put to better use, take the lessons that we learned and begin to restore and upgrade our life. It’s hard but satisfying work. With time we will be back on our journey and moving in the direction we were meant to go.

When are we ready for a new partner? When we've achieved the following goals...

We have:

• Completed a good portion of our healing work (preferably with a therapist or support group).
• Laid the foundation of our worlds.
• Gained control over our own lives and don’t expect or allow our new partners to “fix” them.
• Learned to set steadfast boundaries and are willing to walk away if they are not respected.
• Learned to speak our minds respectfully and firmly even if it is scary.

A healthy relationship will feel outside of our comfort zones. We are a work in process. Let's not allow our discomfort to blow up a good relationship. Instead, let’s face the issues head-on.

The first issue to address is the instinct to fall back and let a new partner take the lead. Our past relationships were so exhausting that we would like our new partners to handle everything. This is not a component of a healthy relationship. We must stand as equal and responsible partners.  

That leads us to be a part of all important decisions. Since our former partners chastised us for any decision we made, we may be reluctant to share our opinions. If our new partners aren't interested or respectful of our opinions, we need to leave the relationship.

We are used to our partners calling us all the time, checking up on us. We may find ourselves doubting our new partners' love because they don’t call as often, instead of seeing their behavior as a sign of trust. In a healthy relationship, space is respected and the other’s word is good.

The biggest issue may be asking for what we need. Since our needs and wants were never acknowledged, expressing them will definitely feel strange. This will take some practice. Start with small requests.

The more we challenge our false beliefs and openly express our feelings the sooner we will be able to relax into the new healthy normal. It takes practice and courage.

The right partner will respect your journey, encourage you and walk alongside you. You will do the same for him or her.

My favorite quote comes from Rabbi Harold S. Kushner (How Good Do We Have To Be?):

“One of the basic needs of every human being is the need to be loved, to have our wishes and feeling taken seriously, to be validated as people who matter.”

May this become your new normal.

Embracing a Life of Calm and Wellbeing

The hard part of healing is that we have to change the old patterns that feel normal to patterns that don’t. To move forward, we have to live in a new way, embracing new beliefs and behaviors. This is not easy to do. We have internalized trauma memory (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD).

Athletes, musicians, and artists depend on muscle memory. Figure skaters practice for hours to perfect a jump. They come to the point where they quit making it happen and let their body do what it has been trained to do. When a female skater goes through puberty, her physical changes require her to re-teach her muscles and how to jump or spin. This means a lot more practice to replace the former muscle memories with new ones.

It’s a much bigger job to put internalized trauma to rest and replace it with feelings of well-being. Some of us never lived in a relationship that was nurturing and gave us a sense of safety, self-value, and self-respect. We repeatedly pick partners who abuse because the chaotic atmosphere feels “normal”. The change we must make isn’t a minor adjustment, we are replacing a way of life with a whole new set of beliefs and behaviors. 

While we lived with abuse, we became hyper-vigilant. Our bodies responded to our partners’ every tightened muscle, piercing look, and change in demeanor with the fight or flight response. Cortisol, the stress hormone, surges in our bodies. Over the years, the trauma has lodged in our esophagus, squeezed our hearts, and filled our heads with fear-sodden thoughts. So it’s not surprising that when we see or feel something that even slightly resembles one of those danger indicators, our bodies and minds automatically catapult us into our terror response. 

It will take time—a lot of time—and courage to change things. We need to be kind to ourselves when we fall back into those old behaviors or find the disparaging self-talk has taken over our brains again. I assure you, this will happen with less frequency as time goes on and we relax into a sense of calm and well-being.

We’ve spent a lot of years hiding our vulnerability, knowing that it would be exploited if uncovered. To have a truly intimate relationship, we have to be willing to face this fear and share our feelings. This requires speaking openly and asking our partners for clarification of their actions or comments that felt hurtful to us. When we share how it impacted us, we help our partners understand what we are dealing with and that we are doing our best to not react in the old ways. They need to know that our healing requires their help and patience.  

Our partners’ reactions can be a real litmus test of their character. Do they respect that we are taking the lead in our own recovery and their job is to run alongside us, cheer us on and follow our lead? Do they use our vulnerability against us? Do they try to take control and “fix” us? We understand that this process can be frustrating for them. But, if their reaction is, “Just get over it,” we have all the data we need to know about our partners’ intentions.

Most important, we have to trust ourselves. Be strong enough to walk away if we realize that this partner isn’t empathetic, doesn’t see us as an equal, and isn’t willing to work with us to build a solid relationship that meets both of our needs. We were brave enough to leave our violent partners, now we need to be brave enough to speak up and create the life we’ve always wanted.

Watch Out! Turbulence Ahead

My intention for this year is to center my life in peace. It’s a daunting goal as this is an election year. I expect that the amount of hate-spewing and divisive rhetoric will escalate as 2016 goes on. I refuse to internalize it or return it. 

Along with my standard resolutions to continue to strive to eat healthier, spend time in quiet meditation and prayer, and walk and exercise more, I am adding ways to take care of myself during the expected turbulence.  My action plan is below. I’d like to hear how you plan to stay sane during this election year.

My plan of action:

• Limit the amount of news I watch—once a day is sufficient 
• Listen to uplifting music
• Record my favorite TV shows and watch them later so I can fast forward through the political ads. (I recognize that any ad created by a super PAC will mostly lie or stretch to pants-on-fire lies designed to fill me with fear—a controlling mechanism. The politicians’ ads won’t be much better.)
• Watch the debates (this requires a glass of wine) paying attention to those who talk about how they plan to fulfill their promises 
• Check out the candidates’ website for details on how they (or we) will pay for those changes
• Check out all political claims or statements using Politifact—a non-partisan fact checker
• Monitor my Facebook page to assure there will be no contentious political commentary. (My page is for survivors who have had enough fear, unkindness, and chaos in their lives.)
• I will not post any hate-spewing posts
• I will not post any snarky jokes about either party or any politician
• I will temporarily hide anything I receive from a Facebook friend who does
• Cast my vote in the primary elections and in the general elections in November

It won’t be easy to get through this year without becoming outraged and frustrated with our election process and parties. Please don’t let that stop you from voting. Your voice must be heard.

As we sail into this new year, knowing that there is a hurricane ahead, let’s show each other love, respect, and kindness. Let’s listen as well as talk. Let’s not allow people with their own agendas to divide us and pit us against each other. 

A quote from Jesus that Abraham Lincoln used during his turbulent times has been in my thoughts for the last several years—“A house divided against itself cannot stand.” From talking with others, I know that we agree on much more of the things we want for this country than issues we disagree on. This year I will continue to hold on to that fact.

Oh, and yes, I will also remind myself to breathe.