3 Issues That Keep Victims From Moving On

The false belief that we cannot live without our controlling partners is one reason many victims struggle when trying to move forward. Amid those horrible times, there were good times and we still love them—or who we thought they were—or could be. The life we lived was familiar. The unfamiliar scares us—after all, things could be worse.

Think back to when you were a child. Did you have a blanket or stuffed toy that meant the world to you? You carried it everywhere and slept with it tucked under your arm. When it was lost, you were hysterical. Frantic and in tears, you searched everywhere, terrified that your beloved companion was gone forever. When it was found you were elated.

Where is that toy today? Most likely it is packed away in a keepsake box or was tossed out years ago. While at that time it represented comfort. As you grew older, you learned to comfort yourself. You stopped carrying your precious toy or blanket because you matured beyond that stage of your life.

The same thing will happen when you cut ties with your ex. As you rebuild your life you will move beyond this relationship and create stronger and healthier self-confidence. The time will come when you see your ex at some family function and do not believe you were ever with that person.

Another reason some victims have trouble moving on is that they desperately want to be validated by their former partners. Survivors want their exes to admit they were monsters and be sorry. The truth is—narcissists will never, under any circumstances, face up to their wretched behavior or feel sorry for anything they did or anyone they hurt. 

Empathy and compassion are not a part of their psychological makeup. Even if their victims become ill or homeless, narcissists will never take responsibility for their contribution to the problem. They feel no shame. They are more likely to see the occurrences as validation of their low opinions of their victims.

If you find yourself thinking that your partner will come around and feel sorry for what they’ve done to you, see a therapist trained in helping victims of abuse and talk through this issue. Being stuck in this mindset can cause you to unintentionally sabotage your own success. 

You cannot punish a narcissist by hurting yourself. The only way to punish a narcissist is to open your wings and soar. Once you accept your worthiness, you won’t need validation from anyone else—especially your ex.

Being kind and empathetic, victims can also be waylaid by exes who become intentionally homeless and impoverished to avoid paying support. They may try to manipulate their victims by asking to move in with them (or not move out) until they can “get back on their feet.” If that doesn't work, they may claim a trumped-up illness to finagle their way back into their victims’ lives. Once they get a foot in the door, they will pull every stunt they can to stay and retake control.

Let’s be clear—success depends on one’s own efforts. It’s not easy, but it is doable. Having made the decision to end the relationship, you are no longer responsible to take care of your ex—for any reason. Focus on improving your life and let your ex take responsibility for theirs. 

I know that if you have children with this person, you are not able to totally cut off communication with your ex. Work on emotionally distancing yourself from him or her and holding your boundaries. A therapist can help you develop a plan to deal with your ex and protect your progress. You deserve a happy life.

Yours, Mine and Ours; Healthy Relationships

When two healthy people come together, their worlds overlap into a space where they create a life together built on respect, trust and communication. They share common interests and friends and at the same time, continue their own interests. They have time together, time alone, and time with friends and family. Differences of opinion are discussed and respected. One person does not always have to give in to the other. Decisions are made jointly. Each partner’s voice has equal value.    

This concept can feel foreign to a survivor of domestic violence. 

Before we met our controlling partners, we had a life. Some of us had jobs and lived on our own, while others were finishing up an education. We had dreams for our futures and were in the process of uncovering our talents and figuring out how to use them. Our worlds were filled with activities that we loved, families, and friends.

Our controlling partners came into the relationships with their own individual worlds. At the beginning of the relationship, our partners were willing to participate in activities we enjoyed. They encouraged us to follow our passions.

Over time, our partners created reasons why we should not spend time with our friends using lies like: “Your best friend hit on me. She’s not your friend.” “Mike told me they laugh at you behind your back.” Intentionally, isolating us, giving them more influence over our lives.

Our partners made it difficult for us to continue to follow our passions: “Your job is more important to you than I am. Don’t you love me?” “You need to face the fact that you are never going to make it in that career. You’re just not smart enough.” They accused us of being selfish and damaged our self-esteem so they had more control.

Drawn, coerced, or forced to stop our life journeys, our worlds dissolved. That left us standing in the abusers’ realms. They positioned themselves at the center of their worlds and our job was to serve their needs and wants. We, as human beings, ceased to exist and were seen as nothing more than property. Narcissists believe that they have the right to use any means—including physical force—to keep their property.

Relationships after domestic violence are scary. While we yearn to share our lives with someone, we no longer trust our judgment to pick a partner. Also, we don’t trust our ability to take care of ourselves, and our children. That fear can cause us to jump into a new relationship before we are ready and, worse yet, before we’ve vetted our new partner.

When I joined a rebuilding group, the first thing the facilitator said was, “For the next year, you are not a good date.” He went on to warn us about rushing into a relationship before we healed. When it comes to leaving an abusive relationship, those words are particularly important. Desperately seeking another partner can almost guarantee that it will be another violent one. That’s because we gravitate toward what we know--what feels comfortable. Our understanding of relationships could have been skewed as early as childhood if we grew up in a violent family. To end abuse, we have to change what feels comfortable. That takes time and introspection.

We must learn that we can take care of ourselves and our children. Good decisions do not come from a place of desperation and fear. That means we reassemble our world. We grieve the loss of time that could have been put to better use, take the lessons that we learned and begin to restore and upgrade our life. It’s hard but satisfying work. With time we will be back on our journey and moving in the direction we were meant to go.

When are we ready for a new partner? When we've achieved the following goals...

We have:

• Completed a good portion of our healing work (preferably with a therapist or support group).
• Laid the foundation of our worlds.
• Gained control over our own lives and don’t expect or allow our new partners to “fix” them.
• Learned to set steadfast boundaries and are willing to walk away if they are not respected.
• Learned to speak our minds respectfully and firmly even if it is scary.

A healthy relationship will feel outside of our comfort zones. We are a work in process. Let's not allow our discomfort to blow up a good relationship. Instead, let’s face the issues head-on.

The first issue to address is the instinct to fall back and let a new partner take the lead. Our past relationships were so exhausting that we would like our new partners to handle everything. This is not a component of a healthy relationship. We must stand as equal and responsible partners.  

That leads us to be a part of all important decisions. Since our former partners chastised us for any decision we made, we may be reluctant to share our opinions. If our new partners aren't interested or respectful of our opinions, we need to leave the relationship.

We are used to our partners calling us all the time, checking up on us. We may find ourselves doubting our new partners' love because they don’t call as often, instead of seeing their behavior as a sign of trust. In a healthy relationship, space is respected and the other’s word is good.

The biggest issue may be asking for what we need. Since our needs and wants were never acknowledged, expressing them will definitely feel strange. This will take some practice. Start with small requests.

The more we challenge our false beliefs and openly express our feelings the sooner we will be able to relax into the new healthy normal. It takes practice and courage.

The right partner will respect your journey, encourage you and walk alongside you. You will do the same for him or her.

My favorite quote comes from Rabbi Harold S. Kushner (How Good Do We Have To Be?):

“One of the basic needs of every human being is the need to be loved, to have our wishes and feeling taken seriously, to be validated as people who matter.”

May this become your new normal.