3 Issues That Keep Victims From Moving On

The false belief that we cannot live without our controlling partners is one reason many victims struggle when trying to move forward. Amid those horrible times, there were good times and we still love them—or who we thought they were—or could be. The life we lived was familiar. The unfamiliar scares us—after all, things could be worse.

Think back to when you were a child. Did you have a blanket or stuffed toy that meant the world to you? You carried it everywhere and slept with it tucked under your arm. When it was lost, you were hysterical. Frantic and in tears, you searched everywhere, terrified that your beloved companion was gone forever. When it was found you were elated.

Where is that toy today? Most likely it is packed away in a keepsake box or was tossed out years ago. While at that time it represented comfort. As you grew older, you learned to comfort yourself. You stopped carrying your precious toy or blanket because you matured beyond that stage of your life.

The same thing will happen when you cut ties with your ex. As you rebuild your life you will move beyond this relationship and create stronger and healthier self-confidence. The time will come when you see your ex at some family function and do not believe you were ever with that person.

Another reason some victims have trouble moving on is that they desperately want to be validated by their former partners. Survivors want their exes to admit they were monsters and be sorry. The truth is—narcissists will never, under any circumstances, face up to their wretched behavior or feel sorry for anything they did or anyone they hurt. 

Empathy and compassion are not a part of their psychological makeup. Even if their victims become ill or homeless, narcissists will never take responsibility for their contribution to the problem. They feel no shame. They are more likely to see the occurrences as validation of their low opinions of their victims.

If you find yourself thinking that your partner will come around and feel sorry for what they’ve done to you, see a therapist trained in helping victims of abuse and talk through this issue. Being stuck in this mindset can cause you to unintentionally sabotage your own success. 

You cannot punish a narcissist by hurting yourself. The only way to punish a narcissist is to open your wings and soar. Once you accept your worthiness, you won’t need validation from anyone else—especially your ex.

Being kind and empathetic, victims can also be waylaid by exes who become intentionally homeless and impoverished to avoid paying support. They may try to manipulate their victims by asking to move in with them (or not move out) until they can “get back on their feet.” If that doesn't work, they may claim a trumped-up illness to finagle their way back into their victims’ lives. Once they get a foot in the door, they will pull every stunt they can to stay and retake control.

Let’s be clear—success depends on one’s own efforts. It’s not easy, but it is doable. Having made the decision to end the relationship, you are no longer responsible to take care of your ex—for any reason. Focus on improving your life and let your ex take responsibility for theirs. 

I know that if you have children with this person, you are not able to totally cut off communication with your ex. Work on emotionally distancing yourself from him or her and holding your boundaries. A therapist can help you develop a plan to deal with your ex and protect your progress. You deserve a happy life.

6 Tips For Healing From Abuse

After leaving my violent partner, I stood in a therapist’s office and announced, “You have 2 weeks to heal me.” A twitch of a smile showed at the corners of her lips. With compassion in her eyes, she said, “Then we’d better get started.” She understood my drive to get over the pain, fear, and memories so I could begin to live again.

Of course, healing isn’t a 2-week fix, it takes time. There are many knots to untangle, much to unlearn, relearn and newly learn. It requires patience with oneself, determination, and, most often, the guidance of a therapist trained to work with victims of abuse. 

Here are a few important tips I learned on my road to recovery.

1) No Dating Until the Larger Part of Healing Has Occurred

I attended a rebuilding group. At the first meeting, the facilitator announced, “You are a bad date.” He urged us to agree to refrain from dating for one year. That felt like a long time to me. I was looking for a White Knight to ride in and make my life perfect. To heal we must become our own White Knights. Survivors need time to focus on themselves and learn that they can make it on their own.

We should not hurry into a new relationship because the highs and lows of the cycle of abuse (see above tab) have reinforced a deep connection called Trauma Bonding—a biological craving for an intensity that no normal relationship provides. It is hard for a survivor to relate to others because the lack of fervor feels like a lack of interest. Those who have not laid a healthy foundation often unwittingly seek that intensity and find themselves with another violent partner. The good news is, this biological craving fades with time, and a normal relationship will be satisfying. 

2) Develop Ways to Block the Urge to Return

Trauma Bonding triggers an urge to return to the violent partner. To avoid the bungee-bounce back into the relationship, accept the truth of who your partner is. 

Write in your journal:

• Detail your partner’s every violent and unkind behavior. When feeling vulnerable, let this list remind you why you left and should not return.
• Detail what you liked about your partner. Look over the list and ask yourself if he truly is that person or if this is his false persona (the one that he used to entice and hold you into the relationship)? Are the traits listed who you hoped he would become instead of who he is? 

Toss out these false beliefs:

• The devil I know is better than the devil I don’t know.
• No one else will want me.
• I can’t make it on my own.

You can have a new partner who is kind and loving. You can also build a wonderful life for yourself with no partner. 

Be aware of the mind games your controller plays. After you leave, your ex-partner may put on that fake Mr. or Ms. Wonderful mask to lure you back. Develop healthy ways to respond without being caught up in their drama. Some of these games are:

• Making promises they never keep—“I’m going into batterers’ treatment”, “I’ll quit drinking and doing drugs.”
• Professing that they cannot make it without you—“I need your help to heal.”
• Professing to be a new person—“I got religion.”
• Blaming others—“They don’t understand our love.” “It’s us against the world.”

Be prepared for these and many others. Step out of the drama as you watch it play out. Alert the police if your ex makes suicidal threats or threats against you. Contact the police if your ex stalks you. Keep a record of any unwanted contact (text messages, email, phone calls).

3) Replace Your Unhealthy Self-Talk with the Truth

Survivors often say, “I don’t know what healthy thinking sounds like anymore.” After years of abuse, we internalized the negative and twisted messages we received. We learned we could not trust our own opinions or feelings.

Writing But He’ll Change, helped me identify my own and other survivors’ false beliefs and replace them with truths. Statements such as "I am a stupid worthless nothing" are countered with, "I am intelligent. I have gifts and abilities in a variety of different areas. I am alive for a purpose. I am unique and needed by the world."

Write affirmations on cards and read them often to replace false beliefs with the truth.

4) Take Care of Yourself

If you have an addiction, seek specialized help. Addictions served to numb your ability to feel pain. These coping mechanisms will throw up a wall against healing. You have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. A therapist can guide you and stand with you during this process. Support groups are also a blessing.

Move yourself up on the People Who Deserve Happiness list. Treat yourself to a lavender-scented bubble bath. Use your good towels. Nourish your body with healthy foods. Eat off of your best china. Value yourself as you would your dearest friend. Get active. Join a gym or take a yoga class.

Rediscover your gifts and abilities. What makes your heart sing? What activities did you enjoy before this relationship? Get involved in them. Also, try new activities.

Set goals. Start with short-term goals to build your confidence. Set one long-term goal.

Make friends with your gut. It will guide you and help you make good decisions. Remember: Mistakes are not bad, they teach you and redirect you.

5) Surround Yourself With Supportive People

While it is important to talk about what happened, share only with those who have earned the right to hear your story. These are people who know how to listen, will believe you, and respect your privacy. Anyone who tells you to just get over it does not belong in this group.

6) Breathe and Focus on the Good Stuff

Over time, the remnants of this relationship will loosen and fall away leaving only important life lessons. We no longer label ourselves as victims or survivors, we become people who spent a small portion of their lives in a violent relationship. There is much more to us than this one period of time. We are a collection of life experiences—each equally important. 

Becoming who we are meant to be, takes a lifetime. It is up to us to decide who that is and what kind of a life we want. Then go out and make it happen.

Catching a Hail Mary Pass

Last night I watched the end of the football game between Green Bay and Detroit. In the last few minutes of the game, things looked hopeless for the Packers. Fans were leaving the stadium, and the players considered it over for them. At that moment, a penalty on Detroit opened a window to a slim chance—one more play. Aaron Rodgers threw a Hail Mary Pass 61 yards into the end zone. Richard Rodgers reached up and caught it for the win. It was the pass of a lifetime—a catch of a lifetime. A defining moment that will forever be attached to the two Rodgers’ lives.

I thought about how Richard Rodgers felt when that ball touched his fingertips and he tucked it into his gut. I thought about how we have those defining moments where we throw ourselves into the unknown despite hopelessness and fear and land on our feet. It’s when we flip the switch and realize, “I will survive without you. You are not good for my spiritual or physical health. I am finished with you,” and know in our gut that this time we mean it. It’s the joy of walking into our own apartment—a safe place to come home to. It’s when we awaken in the morning, and for the first time in a long time, we are excited about a new day. It’s receiving that call that the job or promotion is ours and the satisfaction we feel when we look into the mirror and see the person we are meant to be, looking back at us. Filled with joy, gratefulness, and amazement, we acknowledge how far we have come.

Another important point is that Richard couldn’t have caught the ball if Aaron hadn’t risked the throw. Those great moments of success can’t happen if we don’t take the risk. We have to— reach out for help, leave an unhealthy relationship, get into therapy—do all the recovery work to pull our lives together. We trudge forward ignoring the inner and outer critical voices telling us we are not capable of surviving on our own. We risk disappointments and still keep putting one foot in front of the other until we feel that ball falls into our hands and we know we have conquered our fear, we have saved ourselves. These are our defining moments. 

The Truth about Power and Control

Most of us who are recovering from a controlling relationship struggle with this truth: An abuser's driving force and only desire is for absolute power and control over their victims. So focused on that end, controllers do not see their victims as people who have a right to their own feelings and opinions. Abusers see and experience everything within the context of having to deliberately and systematically battle for control. They are willing to inflict any level of pain to achieve their goal.

While in the relationship, it was hard to accept that someone I loved, intentionally did such unkind acts. Especially acts that I didn’t deserve. Because I loved this man, I explained away his violent behavior.  I could not understand why he would resort to unnecessary, violent tactics when I was constantly proving my love for him. Why couldn’t he have said, “I don’t care for pork,” instead of throwing dishes and screaming at me? Why wouldn’t he want to return my love and devotion and live in peace? Why total domination? Why humiliation? Why did he reinterpret even the smallest gesture of love, like bringing him a cup of coffee every morning, as something he demand I do, instead of accepting it as an expression of love? It used to make me want to run screaming, “Can’t you see who I am? These tactics aren’t necessary for me to love you or give you attention.”

Abusers don’t see us as we are because we never enter the equation. It is not about us. 

This brings me to an important tool that helped me understand this dynamic— The Power and Control Wheel.

In the 1980s in Duluth Minnesota, a group of battered women who were attending educational groups through a local shelter developed the Power and Control Wheel. They listed tactics that batterers use to control victims. They fell under 8 categories: Using Isolation, Minimizing Denying and Blaming, Using Children, Using Male Privilege, Using Economic Abuse, Using Coercion and Threats, Using Intimidation, and Using Emotional Abuse. They also developed a Wheel of Equality depicting the qualities of healthy relationships: Trust and Support, Honesty and Accountability, Responsible Parenting, Shared Responsibility, Economic Partnership, Negotiation and Fairness, Non-Threatening Behavior, and Respect. 

Duluth's Domestic Abuse Intervention Project uses these wheels in its “Creating a Process of Change for Men Who Batter” curriculum. They are now used widely to help batterers in treatment, victims and others understand that the blame for abuse rests squarely on the shoulders of the abuser. 

The behavior of controllers is so illogical and cruel that victims (and the rest of normal society) find it difficult to believe that this behavior is focused and deliberate. For those of us who have been there, our healing began when we accepted this truth. The abuse had nothing to do with us. It was all about the abuser's sick desire to feel powerful and in control. Unfortunately, it bruised the very core of who we are. We can change that.

The Power and Control Wheel

Using Isolation

Usually, the first indication (red flag) that the relationship is headed in the wrong direction is when the perpetrator begins to isolate the victim. It’s an easy miss because it starts when the relationship is in the limerence stage, the couple is just beginning to get to know one another. Often, they are spending all their free time together, so excited to have one another. After a while, the victim may begin to express the desire to spend some time with other friends or family. The perpetrator, who believes she is pulling away from him, acts hurt, “Don’t you want to be with me?” “Aren’t I important to you anymore?” While this looks like love, it’s actually the beginning of coercive control. He begins to use her love for him to bend her will to his. It often becomes a game of-who do you love more?-prove you love me by giving up time with your friends or family-prove you love me more than your job, pursuing a passion, or activity. He points out her friend's and family members “faults.” If she’s friends with past boyfriends or other guys, he’s hurt, jealous and angry. If she so much as talks to another male it sends him into a tirade. Nothing short of giving up all others will satisfy the controlling partner.

Minimizing Denying and Blaming

At the beginning of the indoctrination into the abuser’s world, a victim may still be strong enough to call the controller on his behavior. Immediately, he will minimize, deny and cast the blame on the victim. Telling her she was too sensitive, his behavior wasn’t that bad then shifting the responsibility to her, “If you hadn’t been flirting with that guy at the party, nothing would have happened.” Giving another guy any kind of attention is considered flirting by a controlling partner.

Using Children

Often controllers use the children by including them in the abuse, “Isn’t Mommy stupid for dropping that cup?” “See how fat your mama is?” Abusers threaten to take the children away if the victim doesn’t comply with all demands or if she tries to leave him. If she’s a stay-at-home Mom, it’s an easy threat, “You could never support the kids, the court will give them to me.” “I have friends who will testify that you are an unfit mother.” These types of statements terrorize the victim into compliance.

Using Male Privilege

The good old boys club is alive and flourishing when it comes to abuse. Cultural rules support men’s dominance over women. Religious tenets are twisted in faith communities. Media is constantly bombarding young men and women with images of violence and power. Glorifying bad boys while claiming nice guys are wimps. Teaching our young women that they are not perfect as they are but in need of cosmetics, surgery, and extreme dieting to be acceptable. All this allows males to see themselves as superior and worthy of unearned respect. They are the kings of their castles and the one who makes and enforces the rules, at a cost to the victim.

Using Economic Abuse

Coinciding with the male privilege myth, a perpetrator often uses economic abuse to hold his victim in the relationship, spouting the myth that men are smarter than women and should handle all finances. Information is power so a controller withholds all financial information from his partners.  The victims have no idea what the total family income is or where it is held. If she is allowed to work, she must turn her paycheck over to her partner, forcing her to ask for money. He holds tight reins on how much money she receives and how she spends it. She has no discretionary funds to do with as she pleases or to stash away so she can leave him.

Using Coercion and threats

A violent partner often carries out threats and harms the victim, the children, or pets to make the point that he will do heinous things, coercing the victim to submit. Subsequent threats to take the children away, report her to child welfare, kill themselves, the victim or children become very real possibilities to the victim. A controller who is involved in criminal activities often forces the victim to participate to assures that the victim will remain loyal. A drug dealing partner may withhold drugs from the victim to force compliance.

Using Intimidation

The very fact that most often the male is larger, stronger, and more physical than a female causes her to feel intimidated. Menacing looks, pounding holes in the walls, brandishing a weapon, smashing her property, and abusing pets and children terrorizes the whole family into obedience.

Using Emotional Abuse

Destroying a victim’s ego is key to holding the victim in the relationship. If she has low self-esteem, she is less likely to leave and more likely to obey. Name-calling and constant criticism are internalized by the victim, causing her to withdraw from others. Crazy-making tactics force her to mistrust her instincts. Making her feel stupid and foolish keeps her from talking to others. Humiliating or embarrassing her in public, cause her to avoid being in public. These tactics play into the isolation that eliminates any support base she may have had, giving the abuser full control.

All these tactics create chaos and fear in a victim’s life. The abuser uses physical and sexual violence to terrorize the victim into compliance, establishing the abuser as the one holding total power and control.

Once we step out of the emotional turmoil and accept his behavior for what it is—his own choosing—we can begin to put things into perspective and shed the guilt knowing that he and he alone is responsible for his behavior. We are in no way at fault. Every decision he made was his choice. Anyone who can choose to be cruel can choose to be kind.

Most important, we see that we are not stupid, inept, or whatever they called us. We can begin to reclaim our true selves.

The Power and Control wheel under the tab above is focused on Men battering women. Next month we’ll look at the Wheel of Equality. If you’d like to download a copy of these wheels for free, please see www.theduluthmodel.org. Wheels for other relationship styles (i.e. teens, same-sex relationships, and elder abuse) can be found on the internet. 

A Ceremony of Gratitude

Since the fall, 3 women who were pivotal in my life passed away. Two were in their mid-80s and my mother was 96. Vastly different women, but all gave me gifts that made me who I am today.

Alice passed away first. She was a mother of 5. Loved each child like a rock. Always had a pot of something good on the stove and made room for any extra folks that tagged along come dinner time. When I was in her presence, I felt loved as a part of her family. She was fun and playful, and always had a sparkle in her eyes. She and her husband were a team and very much in love. I wanted to have a big heart like hers. I wanted my children to know that I loved them like a rock. It was during a 4th of July party at her house that my former husband blew up at me and outed himself as an abuser. It was she who stood up to my spouse and protected me.

My mother passed away a few weeks after Alice did. She’d had a difficult early life and wasn’t a touchy-feely kind of mother. In spite of her pain, she focused on the good things in her life and was always quick to tell one of her funny life stories. I also learned from the sayings she was always quoting: You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Whatever you do— give it 100%. If someone doesn’t like you—kill them with kindness, you’ll either win them over or drive them crazy. She was the one who told me it is never okay for a man to hit a woman—never. (That became my touchstone to what I’d put up with when it came to abuse. Now I know that abuse is much more than hitting.) She taught me to be kind to others. When I needed her most, she was there.

Helen was my sister-in-law’s stepmom. When my former husband took me away from my family, we moved to the area where Helen and her husband lived. She was stylish, feminine, and strong. She managed a department of a store. Having been raised feeling I was mousy and unattractive and having a spouse who saw me as a millstone around his neck, my self-image was in the dumpster. But Helen made me feel intelligent, beautiful, and feminine. She saw things in me that no one else had ever recognized. Characteristics that I hoped I’d developed. She made me feel worthy.

Distance and timing of notification prevented me from attending the funerals of my dear friends. My mother, who had outlived her peers, had insisted that she didn’t want anything more than a graveside service. Thinking about these three women I needed more than a phone call or lowering of the casket into the ground. I needed a recognition ceremony, one that acknowledged their cherished place in my life. 

I gathered three candles together and set them on my prayer/meditation table. As I lit one for each of these unique women, I thanked God for them, for the lessons they’d taught me, and especially for their love and encouragement at my most difficult times. I looked at pictures, remembering their gestures, smiles, and laughs. Gratitude filled me. It was a holy moment.

It wasn’t much of a ceremony but it was enough to ease my heartache, acknowledge them and say goodbye. We often think ceremonies have to be overseen by a faith leader. They don’t. We can create our own.

Here on the cusp of a new year, I'm thinking of a ceremony that celebrates the joys from 2014 and releases the sorrows. Maybe you'd like to join me in spending a quiet moment reflecting on all the blessings received this past year. Then spend time unpacking the painful stuff so we don't carry it into 2015.

I count you all among my cherished blessings. Wishing you a joy-filled 2015.

Rebuilding Your Self-esteem

Self-esteem -- the element that underpins all the work and decisions you must make as you recover from a controlling relationship. While you’re focusing on getting housing, a job, and meeting the kid’s emotional and physical needs, it’s easy to put off caring for yourself. It feels like there is no energy left to nurture you. Even if you knew how. And you don’t need one more thing to “work” on. Chances are it’s been a long time since you even considered your needs.

You may feel like I did, exhausted, empty, and tired of taking care of everyone and everything. I wanted someone to come to save me for a change. Someone that would hold me, tell me everything would be okay, and fix my life because I didn’t believe I could do it. A knight in shining armor looks really attractive at this time. However, too often those “knights” are abusers in disguise. If we look like a weak target, they swoop right in. We have to get healthy to attract a healthy partner. 

 You have to be the one who repairs your self-esteem. Bummer, right? Others can encourage you and tell you what’s right about you, but you have to internalize it. The process you are, or will be, going through is what is going to make the needed changes. You will be amazed at yourself; how you can stand on your own two feet, fight your own battles and demand to be treated with respect- and get it. 

Most of us start out in the Wuss Section -- feeling weak and helpless. That’s why therapy, with someone trained in DV issues, is important. Group therapy is a great way to go. If you haven’t connected with a group, you should. It helps to be with others who are asking questions you hadn’t thought to ask. Some will be a little ahead of you in the healing process so they will throw some light on your pathway. All will be empathic and can be trusted with your story. Having your feelings validated starts the rebuilding process. You are not crazy. You deserve respect. He was/is a horse’s ass. 

Outside of therapy, you need to learn how to nurture yourself. You deserve time for yourself. Claiming time for yourself among the myriad of chores is difficult but not impossible if you accept that you are worth caring for. If you want to be a good mom, employee, or friend, you have to take care of yourself first. Here are some of the things that I found useful:

Change your attitude about yourself:

• Talk to yourself like you’d talk to your dearest friend. Stop the inner critic in its tracks and change to affirming and encouraging language.
• Stop calling yourself stupid. Mistakes happen, that doesn’t make you stupid it makes you human. See mistakes as “learning experiences.”
• Speak the truth about your good qualities. No more discounting yourself to anyone, especially to yourself. 
• Learn to ask for what you want. If you don’t know what you want, choose something small to start with and ask for it.
• Speak your truth firmly and kindly, even if it makes you uncomfortable. With time it will feel empowering.

Recognize and celebrate what is right in your life. 

• Start a gratitude journal. Write down a few things that you are grateful for each day.
• Pay attention to the things in your life that make you happy. Repeat them as often as possible.
• Celebrate every pocket of joy that comes along. Hold on to it as long as you can. Don’t let the “what ifs” derail your joy -- that negative self-talk saying the rug is about to be pulled out from under you.
• Take a mental picture of the precious moments in life. Savor them and at night when you get into bed run a slide show through your mind.
• Carry a notebook. When someone says something nice about you, write it down. 

Nurture yourself:

• Use your good dishes and towels. You deserve them.
• Take a bubble bath with candles, and a glass of wine or juice in a pretty goblet.
• Let the cleaning wait. Do an activity you enjoy.
• Reread your gratitude journal and the nice comments collected in your notebook.
• Create a spot for your treasures -- Items that have meaning to you -- shells from the beach, cards you’ve received, pictures, and sayings that encourage you. Visit them, and touch them often.
• Learn to meditate/pray. Spend a few minutes a day remembering that some being/something bigger than you deeply loves and values you.
• Look into your own eyes and say, "I love you."

Manage your time so that you are doing most of the things that energize you:

• Say, “I’ll have to get back to you with my response” instead of an immediate “Yes” when someone makes a request. Then take time to decide if you truly want to participate. If you lose a friend because you said no, they weren’t your friend in the beginning.
• “Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you” Alan Alda. If they aren’t fair, let the friendship go.
• Helping someone else should never hurt you. It’s okay to say, “I’ve done all I am able to do. Sorry, I can’t help you any further.” Everyone has their own journey. We have to let them travel it. Carrying them down their pathway will keep them from learning their intended lessons.

Decisions become easier when you've regained your self-confidence which grows from good self-esteem. 

What activities have helped you rebuild your self-esteem?