6 Tips For Healing From Abuse

After leaving my violent partner, I stood in a therapist’s office and announced, “You have 2 weeks to heal me.” A twitch of a smile showed at the corners of her lips. With compassion in her eyes, she said, “Then we’d better get started.” She understood my drive to get over the pain, fear, and memories so I could begin to live again.

Of course, healing isn’t a 2-week fix, it takes time. There are many knots to untangle, much to unlearn, relearn and newly learn. It requires patience with oneself, determination, and, most often, the guidance of a therapist trained to work with victims of abuse. 

Here are a few important tips I learned on my road to recovery.

1) No Dating Until the Larger Part of Healing Has Occurred

I attended a rebuilding group. At the first meeting, the facilitator announced, “You are a bad date.” He urged us to agree to refrain from dating for one year. That felt like a long time to me. I was looking for a White Knight to ride in and make my life perfect. To heal we must become our own White Knights. Survivors need time to focus on themselves and learn that they can make it on their own.

We should not hurry into a new relationship because the highs and lows of the cycle of abuse (see above tab) have reinforced a deep connection called Trauma Bonding—a biological craving for an intensity that no normal relationship provides. It is hard for a survivor to relate to others because the lack of fervor feels like a lack of interest. Those who have not laid a healthy foundation often unwittingly seek that intensity and find themselves with another violent partner. The good news is, this biological craving fades with time, and a normal relationship will be satisfying. 

2) Develop Ways to Block the Urge to Return

Trauma Bonding triggers an urge to return to the violent partner. To avoid the bungee-bounce back into the relationship, accept the truth of who your partner is. 

Write in your journal:

• Detail your partner’s every violent and unkind behavior. When feeling vulnerable, let this list remind you why you left and should not return.
• Detail what you liked about your partner. Look over the list and ask yourself if he truly is that person or if this is his false persona (the one that he used to entice and hold you into the relationship)? Are the traits listed who you hoped he would become instead of who he is? 

Toss out these false beliefs:

• The devil I know is better than the devil I don’t know.
• No one else will want me.
• I can’t make it on my own.

You can have a new partner who is kind and loving. You can also build a wonderful life for yourself with no partner. 

Be aware of the mind games your controller plays. After you leave, your ex-partner may put on that fake Mr. or Ms. Wonderful mask to lure you back. Develop healthy ways to respond without being caught up in their drama. Some of these games are:

• Making promises they never keep—“I’m going into batterers’ treatment”, “I’ll quit drinking and doing drugs.”
• Professing that they cannot make it without you—“I need your help to heal.”
• Professing to be a new person—“I got religion.”
• Blaming others—“They don’t understand our love.” “It’s us against the world.”

Be prepared for these and many others. Step out of the drama as you watch it play out. Alert the police if your ex makes suicidal threats or threats against you. Contact the police if your ex stalks you. Keep a record of any unwanted contact (text messages, email, phone calls).

3) Replace Your Unhealthy Self-Talk with the Truth

Survivors often say, “I don’t know what healthy thinking sounds like anymore.” After years of abuse, we internalized the negative and twisted messages we received. We learned we could not trust our own opinions or feelings.

Writing But He’ll Change, helped me identify my own and other survivors’ false beliefs and replace them with truths. Statements such as "I am a stupid worthless nothing" are countered with, "I am intelligent. I have gifts and abilities in a variety of different areas. I am alive for a purpose. I am unique and needed by the world."

Write affirmations on cards and read them often to replace false beliefs with the truth.

4) Take Care of Yourself

If you have an addiction, seek specialized help. Addictions served to numb your ability to feel pain. These coping mechanisms will throw up a wall against healing. You have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. A therapist can guide you and stand with you during this process. Support groups are also a blessing.

Move yourself up on the People Who Deserve Happiness list. Treat yourself to a lavender-scented bubble bath. Use your good towels. Nourish your body with healthy foods. Eat off of your best china. Value yourself as you would your dearest friend. Get active. Join a gym or take a yoga class.

Rediscover your gifts and abilities. What makes your heart sing? What activities did you enjoy before this relationship? Get involved in them. Also, try new activities.

Set goals. Start with short-term goals to build your confidence. Set one long-term goal.

Make friends with your gut. It will guide you and help you make good decisions. Remember: Mistakes are not bad, they teach you and redirect you.

5) Surround Yourself With Supportive People

While it is important to talk about what happened, share only with those who have earned the right to hear your story. These are people who know how to listen, will believe you, and respect your privacy. Anyone who tells you to just get over it does not belong in this group.

6) Breathe and Focus on the Good Stuff

Over time, the remnants of this relationship will loosen and fall away leaving only important life lessons. We no longer label ourselves as victims or survivors, we become people who spent a small portion of their lives in a violent relationship. There is much more to us than this one period of time. We are a collection of life experiences—each equally important. 

Becoming who we are meant to be, takes a lifetime. It is up to us to decide who that is and what kind of a life we want. Then go out and make it happen.

Birthing a New Future

In The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo talks about the birth of a chick. After eating all the food provided in the shell, it’s grown to fill the space and begins to feel cramped. It cannot stay contained in that tiny shell or it will die. It stretches and pecks, breaking the eggshell - birth.  

As we grow we change physically. Wayne Dyer talks about how our spirit inhabits and outgrows an infant body, adolescent body and finally into an adult body. Though, Even our adult body changes as the cells die off and new ones replace the old.  Growth, a necessary part of life. 

When it comes to our spirits, stretching and growing can be painful. It seems our most significant spiritual births are often accompanied by great discomfort and anxiety about the coming change. We may even fight it, making it more difficult. But, our spirits will continue to grow beyond our current existence. At some point, we have to make a conscious decision to move on or stay trapped in the shell of our circumstance and run the risk of suffocating. 

I experienced this most acutely before leaving my abusive partner. Like many victims of domestic violence, I lived in a stifling relationship. Yet, my spirit began preparing me for a new birth, showing me that I could no longer live that way. It bubbled up as uncontrollable grief, health problems, anxiety, fear and more. I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to know it. Was terrified of the unknown- how would I exist outside in a world I was unprepared for and taught to not trust. But, the day came when the pain of staying was more brutal than the fear of leaving. Like the chick, fighting for its life, I faced the truth and broke out of the shell. 

Once a victim leaves, the relationship can nether stay nor go back to the way it was. The old life is irreparably broken. If we try to work things out with our partner, the truth smolders within us, an ember of resentment that will devour us. Some victims reach for alcohol, drugs or other addictions to silence it, compounding the pain. Others move on to a new life.

For those of us who move on, there are many new births as we quickly learn to reclaim our life and catch up to where we would have been had we not been stifled. Every new day is a celebration of freedom, learning and growing as we break through the shells that isolated us from our gifts and abilities, our support base and ourselves. We come to  trust ourself and listen to our inner-voice. Then we can anticipate, welcome and celebrate each unfolding birth.

Our Words Create

The great minds agree that the words we speak, create. We can send out unkind or healing words -- our call. The words we use to describe ourselves affects our self-esteem. We can also change our journey using words.

It’s interesting how lessons we have to learn start to appear in various areas of our lives. It’s good that they don’t avalanche over us all at once, but come gracefully, one by one. Okay, maybe gracefully is not the best word, sometimes lessons pummel us over the head. My point is, the creating power of our words seems to be my current issue, again. It has been showing up in my reading materials. It’s made me think back about my words. 

My first memory on this issue was an incident from  twenty-some years ago, when I stopped my car on the side of a country road - my then-husband was coming home after working out of state for 2 peace-filled months. During his absence breathing was easier. The kids migrated from their rooms, blooming like roses. We talked, laughed, enjoyed one another.  I was less distracted and able to focus on them. I could take care of tasks and make plans without fear that they would interfere with his wants and needs. The kids and I ate dinner without the glaring unused dishes at the head of the table, a harbinger that he would come home drunk and most likely angry. During the time he was gone, I didn’t need to be “on” all the time, hyper-vigilant to his every wish to ensure peace in our home. 

Now he was coming home. A suffocating black cloud of fear and dread cloaked me. Stopped aside the road that day, I opened my door, stepped out and shouted to God and all of creation, “I refuse to live like this anymore.” 

My husband came home. Numb, I walked through the motions. There was a sense that dominoes were falling around me. I didn’t know what was going to happen. Hoped that through some miracle he would be healed of his alcoholism, his anger issues and maybe even come to love me (I though these were the problems, didn’t know it was domestic abuse).  

I left for work one morning and tears began to roll down my face. Why was I crying? Willing them to stop, did no good, they continued. Again I stopped on the side of the road. Tried to pull myself together, sop up the tears. Couldn’t go to work like that. There was no stopping them. All I could do was return home. 

Once there, my husband interrogated me. “What’s wrong with you?” was the gentlest of his comments. I didn’t know how to answer. I spent the day sitting in a chair in the bedroom, fighting the feelings I’d kept so diligently pushed down under the surface of justifications I’d created to survive. Finally, I had to face the facts - there was no way I could save this marriage. I’d done everything I knew how to do. It was time to give it up and admit that if the marriage would survive, it would be by God’s hand, not mine. I released my grip. Let go. Could what will happen next be any worse then what the kids and I were already going through?

Those dominos began to fall into place. My children went to visit my parents in another state. While at a gathering with friends in our old neighborhood, my partner blew up at me. This was the first time any of our friends had see the violent side of him. He told me to go pack our things, we were leaving. I did. Others tried to reason with him, he’d been drinking all day. I was petrified to get in the car and travel the two hours home.  Didn’t know if we’d make it and terrified of what he’d do to me if we did. When I came into the kitchen, he said, “Let’s go.”

Suddenly, I was standing in a dark room. The door was open, there was light out there that didn’t shine into the darkness. A voice said, “If you don’t leave now, that door will close and you will live in this darkness forever.”

It was the first time I ever told my partner, “No.”

He erupted. The men at the party protected me and sent him away. I believed that he’d come back later that night and kill me. He didn’t. 

Words, spoken on the side of a road started a new future for me. Even though I meant those words, God had to wrestle control from me in the quiet of my bedroom, and again in my friend’s kitchen. “What’s it going to be?” We alway have a choice. 

My lesson: After we speak our truth to creation we need to get out of its way. 

Moving Past the Past

One of the biggest struggles after leaving is staying away. We know it takes on average 7 attempts to leave a violent relationship. That’s because of all the emotional hooks and brainwashing we received. 

It’s hard to give up the image of who we believed our partner was. It’ hard to believe that we were sucked in by this -- now know to be a -- monster. We’ve invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship. We have too little self-confidence to believe we can “make it” in the world on our own. We don’t know how to speak for ourselves, support ourselves (and kids,) fight our own battles and create a future. For those of us who were taught that they are stupid, worthless and not capable of making any good decisions, it’s easier to go back than face the huge task of healing and creating a new life.

When we leave, our abuser knows what to say and how to manipulate us to return. He plays the "Mr. Wonderful" card while making it as difficult as possible for us to move forward. With a straight face, he tells us we are not capable of surviving on our own. He’s concerned for our wellbeing. He misses the kids. He’s getting help. He promises it will be different this time. He’s romantic and before we know it we’re in bed together. As long as we stay connected to the past, we are drawn back to stagnate. 

Like me, as a child you may have had a toy or blanket you carried everywhere. I had a stuffed dog that went everywhere with me. I couldn’t sleep without it tucked in bed beside me. If it was lost I’d cry until it was found, desperate and hysterical that my beloved toy was gone forever. Do you know where your beloved toy is? Like mine it may have been tossed away many years ago or tucked in a keepsake box. We don’t need it to make it through a day anymore because we’ve matured beyond that relationship.

In the same way, when we free ourselves from an unhealthy relationship, we begin to mature beyond our need for this destructive partner. It’s a lot of steps forward and some backwards. It’s stretching muscles we didn’t know we had.  Step by step we learn that we can take care of ourselves and children. We can fight our own battles. Along the way, we uncover our gifts and talents that we had to put aside to meet the needs and wants of our controlling partner. We find our passion in life, the thing that fills us with joy. It’s not easy. It’s worn-to-the-bone-sick-of-it-all days and so-help-me-if-have-to-learn-one-more-lesson today, I’ll scream days. But as your life starts to move forward, it’s priceless. Those are the days when you look back and say, “Look how far I’ve come. I don’t need anyone to take care of me.”

Then you can invite someone into your life because you want them there, not because you need them.

Why Couldn't He Love Me?

This was the most difficult question that I struggled with after I left my partner. Why couldn’t he love me? What was so awful about me? 

It took a long time for me to understand and accept the answer--He couldn’t love me because he can’t love anyone, not even himself. There was nothing I could do to change that.

Does my remark about him not loving himself raise sympathy in you for your abuser? Can you see through his bravado facade that he really has low self-esteem? Does it make you think--if someone loved him enough, he would change? Yeah, I also thought that. I wanted to be his savior. Standing beside him, healing his wounded heart. Then he would love me forever and ever. Being loved that way was my goal. I believed you had to earn love. By caring for his every need, I thought he would care for mine.

That’s not how it works. Our partners tell us how they were misunderstood, mistreated, and wounded in their lives. Our nurturing hearts kick in, and we are willing to sacrifice ourselves to save them. This is the hook abusers use to draw us into the relationship and cause us to focus on their needs, letting go of our own. It’s a game for them. A way to make us believe we could earn their love. In truth, love is given freely -- no catches, conditions, or jumping through hoops required.

If we ask ourselves, “What’s so awful about us that our partner couldn’t love us?” We're making ourselves the problem (easy to believe because they tell us that everything was our fault.) However, If we are the problem, then we think we have some control. We can fix things. If we fix things, they will love us forever and ever. Once again, we are trying to earn their love. As you and I know, we will never earn our partner’s love. That’s part of the game, holding the carrot out in front of us and moving it every time we think we are within reaching distance.

Our partners’ inability to love us is not about us at all. It’s about them.

 

I always felt that there were pieces of the puzzle missing in my partner: compassion, empathy, genuine concern for others. Altruism didn't exist within him. Being overly compassionate myself, to the point that I was willing to be anyone’s doormat and suffer for another’s happiness to be loved, was unhealthy. It was hard to fathom that others didn’t feel the same way I did. Loving, caring, trusting came so easily to me that I couldn’t imagine that some people don’t reciprocate. They don’t. Really. I wouldn’t kid you about that.

As far as feeling that our partners don’t love themselves, let me say this, they may lack self-love, but they do believe that they are entitled to have a person in their life who takes care of all their needs and wants. Reciprocity is not on their radar screen. It never crosses their mind that we have needs and wants of our own, dreams we’d like to fulfill. Even if they claim to support us in our self-development, they usually find a way to sabotage our efforts. Making it too difficult to pursue our passion. Telling us that we failed because we are stupid.

I was raised with the adage, “You can draw more flies with honey than vinegar.” When you think about it, it’s a no-brainer. Yelling at someone makes them feel bad. It also makes them not like you very much. Abusers don't seem to understand that their constant yelling and inflicting physical abuse on their partners is not going to make anyone happily love and care for them. It will only breed resentment and hatred. Instead, they hold fast to the belief that they do not need to return love and kindness to anyone. They take and do not give.

 We know that when they are cornered and have to say they are sorry and won’t hit, yell, or destroy our things again, they eventually make us pay for having to grovel so we won't leave them. 

Maintaining power to them means they withhold from us that which we desire most. They may give us “things,” but we will never get what we want most of all, their love and devotion. So if they don’t choose to build a relationship based on kindness and genuine love and concern, all they have left is to build one based on power and control. Love never enters the picture. Isn’t that sad? They could have had everything they wanted: a partner who loved and cherished them, willing to go the extra mile for them, and sexually turned on. Instead, they elected to be a dictator. I’ll never understand why some people make that choice.

So, now that we are out of our toxic relationships, let us not concentrate on why they couldn't love us but how grateful we are for those in our lives that do. 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The media reports that the number of cases of abuse is dropping. If you ask those working in the shelters they’ll tell you it’s not. Perhaps the number of deaths due to DV has dropped, for now, but the shelter’s waiting lists are growing, as well as the number of calls to crisis lines. We have good programs in place for those who seek help and dedicated people who work tirelessly to help victims rebuild their lives. Thank God for advocates.

Sometime - no - often, the amount of violence occurring feels overwhelming. I can blame the abuse on the fact that too many of us aren’t brought up in a home or house of worship that teaches kindness and healthy communication skills. I can say that the business world with it’s “dog eat dog” “swim with the sharks” “get them before they get you” attitude teaches lording power over others. And don’t get me started on the messages our kids get from the media and cultural beliefs regarding men and women’s roles. But pointing the finger isn’t going to solve anything. Neither is throwing up our hands in exasperation. 

We can put all our effort into helping after the fact, but until we, as Stephen Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, hack at the root of the problem, we can’t change anything. A key component to ending violence is educating our kids. Teaching them what healthy relationships look like as well as red flags in relationships. It would be lovely if all parents knew how to raise healthy, kindhearted and self-confident children. I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. We know that children who have been raised believing that they are worthless and stupid can be turned around - and deserve to be turned around. One loving adult who shows a child that he or she has gifts and a passion that will lead him or her to success can make a difference. In this busy world, where we are all living under stress, it’s hard to take the time to nurture another. But, it’s up to each one of us if we want to change things.

Along with our children, we need to educate society. Let’s face it, deep-seated systematic oppression of women continues even after the feminist movement’s attempt to eradicate it. Also, male privilege is so ingrained in our culture that it’s not even on our radar screen. For an example just look at the commercials on TV.  Their messages have clear gender rolls. It’s up to us, in whatever our walk in life may be, to become sensitive to this issue and work for change by speaking out as well as learn how to reach out to someone we suspect may need help.

We need to stop asking the question “Why does she stay?” and instead ask “Why does [the abuser] do that?” Place the blame where it belongs, on the offender. There are many excellent batterers treatment programs around the country. Getting an abuser there is the problem. And even if we do, will he or she embrace the help and change? We can’t make that decision for the offender. As long as abusing others to get what the offended wants works, why should he or she change? So, it seems to me that we have to find a way to make abusing others undeniably abhorrent to society and not worth the price the offender will pay. 

We have to get serious about ending family violence. Off the top of my head, I can think a few needs:

1. Society needs to view the offender as the one at fault/stop blaming the victim.
2. We need to pay attention to those around us and if we suspect abuse, reach out to the victim.
3. Children need to be educated about dating/family violence and healthy relationships.
4. Children need to be mentored by an supportive adult who validates their passion in life and helps them develop healthy self-esteem.
5. Shelters need volunteers.
6. Shelters need financial support.
7. Consequences for violence needs to be more severe.
8. Abusers need incentive to go into treatment and change.
9. Laws need to be changed to protect victims and children.
10. Court systems need to re-look at how they handle these cases, require more in-depth investigation, family care and protection.

How to do these thing? Ask those who work in the thick of it for more suggestions. The important thing is that each one of us gets involved in some way. Doing what we can, making a difference where we are able. Can you mentor a child? Volunteer at a shelter? Work with others to change the laws? You don’t have to do it all. Just pick one and take a stand against domestic violence.

Independence Day

It’s Independence Day, though I haven’t thought about it this way in years, it’s the day I broke free from my abuser. 

Freedom. Is there anything more precious than freedom to those who don’t have it?

Freedom from the pain of living with someone who batters you with words and/or fists. Freedom from walking on eggshells every moment of every day. Freedom from trying to explain away his horrible behavior. Freedom from believing that everything that’s wrong is your fault. Freedom from the fear that this might be your last day on this earth. Freedom from waking up and wishing it had been.

Freedom. The word brings me to my knees with gratitude.

I Don't Make Good Decisions

Continuing the series on beliefs that we have to deal with when we leave an abuser -- 

 “I don’t make good decisions.”

A victim lives with a partner who teaches her that she is incompetent. While he may encourage, even insist, she make decisions, he’s really setting her up so he can destroy her self-esteem. Any choice she makes will be wrong and her partner will berate her for hours, pointing out how stupid she is. She becomes terrified of making even the simplest decision.

After leaving him, she still carries with her the terror of the ramifications of making a wrong choice. Now, faced with the many life-changing decisions (safety for herself and children, TROs, divorce, child custody, children’s emotional well-being, lawyers, judges, living accommodations, and many more) she feels paralyzed. Meanwhile, her partner pressures her to return to him, using mind games. He professes his love and expresses his deep concern for her ability to make it on her own. This is meant to keep her off balance and reinforce her feeling of incompetence.

Whether a victim goes to a shelter or not, she can still use the services of an advocate trained to help women who are faced with major life decisions. (If there is no shelter in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for assistance: 800-799-7233) A shelter advocate lays out the choices and helps a victim think through each. Advocates don’t pressure or make any decisions for the victim, but empowers her as she develops a safety plan, walks through the court system, plans a budget, finds a home and many other needs. As a victim moves through the process she begins to realize she is competent.

Another decision-type issue we deal with is the feeling of not knowing what we want or like. We’d focused only on our partner’s wants and likes for such a very long time, ours fell away. I had to rediscover what I enjoyed doing, eating, seeing. A strange side to this issue was that since I was so used to not doing things I enjoyed, after I left I needed prompting to do things. It took a while for me to be spontaneous and decide to go to a movie or out to lunch. 

After I left, I’d hesitate to buy clothing. I didn’t know what to buy because I’d lived with a strict criteria on what I was allowed to wear. Also, money had been an issue. A few years after my divorce, while shopping with a friend, I was drooling over an outfit. “Buy it,” she said. “It’s really a little more than I want to spend right now.” I told her. She looked me in the eye and said. “If not now, when?” She was right. We deserve things that make us feel happy. So budgeting in a little more for something special, on occasion, is a lovely gift we give ourselves.

My final note about decisions: It’s easy to look at choices in an all-or-nothing manner. Often there is more than one right choice. And even if I we make a “wrong” choice or one that didn’t turn out as we’d hoped, we can change it. It’s not the end of the world. I like Thomas Edison’s reply to the guy who asked Edison about all his failures as he invented the lightbulb -- Edison said, “I haven’t failed. I just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” 

Everything in a controlling relationship is so heavy, we forget that it’s not necessarily a big deal to make a mistake. We need to lighten up on ourselves and keep moving forward.

I Can't Make it on My Own

 One of the biggest false beliefs that held me in my relationship for far too long was: 

On my own, I can’t make it in the outside world.

When we leave the relationship, we are thrown into a world we are not prepared to handle. We’ve lived under our partner’s rules, expectations, and boundaries. Thinking for ourselves or making decisions wasn't allowed. Also, he’s painted the outside world as his co-conspirator. Due to the Stockholm syndrome and brainwashing we believe that no one will listen to us or believe our word over his.   

It’s hard for us to trust that there are people who will listen to and believe us. Many of us had to hit bottom and feel we had no place else to go. Empty and numb we had no choice but to tell our story to someone. Thank God, there are people who are eager to help, www.ndvh.org, www.ncadv.org, our family, shelter personnel, therapists and others.

The affirmation and support we receive from others can help us to not only trust others, but to trust ourselves again. With renewed awareness, we learn to listen and act on our inner authentic voice, instead of the voice in our head that’s driven by fear. As we trust our own wisdom, our self-esteem starts to grow. We don’t beat ourselves up over decisions that don’t turn out the way we’d hoped, but learn from them. We develop tools to determine who fits as a friend and who must go, and walk away from people who are negative or non-supportive. (No more people pleasing or substituting their beliefs for our own.) We make clear statements to the offender, saying we choose to end all contact. If he persists, we consider him a stalker and take legal action (get a protection order, communicate with the police, document contact attempts, save threatening voice mail messages, and letters and if need, prosecute him.) 

If we can’t walk away from the offenders (i.e. they’re family or the father of our children), we take care of ourselves by (obtaining protection orders if needed) limiting our time with them. Often it’s easier to drop off/pick up children through a third party. We set clear rules -- conversations are limited to child related issues only, any disparaging remarks end the conversation, immediately. Soon we can identify the games our ex or others play, allowing us to stand apart and watch without being caught up in it or taking it personally.  What they do or say is not about us, but about who they are.

Many of us left everything behind, grateful to get out with our life and our kids. Rebuilding our life is no small feat. It’s overwhelming. I found that if I concentrated on what I can do today to take one more step forward, I could control the anxiety. Writing in a journal about my pain, anger and frustration helped, too. (Later I could look back and see how far I’d grown.) Joining a support group and therapy was crucial to my recovery. Prayer has always been a part of my life, it strengthened and comforted me.

I hated doing the work, but did it anyway. One step at a time. When I caught myself looking for an easy solution, I’d stop. There is no easy solution. We hadn’t had control over our lives for so long that it feels uncomfortable and frightening to take command. Finding someone to take control and responsibility again can be appealing. The fear and loneliness can also be so overwhelming that we might consider returning to our abusers. To quell these urges, I wrote a list of what I liked about my partner and what I’d change. That was enough to remind me why returning to him was not a good idea. 

It’s also not a good idea to jump into a new relationship before we’ve cleaned up the crime scene on our spirits. Those relationships usually blow up in our faces and only add to our bruised and bloodied souls. Not to mention, wreck havoc on another person’s life, or the lives of our children should they become attached to this person.

It’s hard work, but worth it. One of the most important lessons I learned was that I could take care of myself and my kids. I didn’t need anyone, but I wanted someone to share my life with. When I believed that I could trust myself to deal with whatever came my way (and not crumble up, die and blow away in the wind if it didn’t work out), I was able to risk opening my heart to love. And love came.

The bottom line is that we have to trust ourselves before we can trust others. We’ll talk more about this.

How Did I Get Into This Mess?

One of the biggest questions I struggled with when I left my abuser was: How did I get into this mess? I continually berated myself for being so stupid that I ended up in an abusive relationship. I voiced this to a very wise friend. She replied, “Suppose he came to pick you up for your first date, and when you opened the door he punched you in the face. Would you have gone out with him?” My response was in the ballpark of “HELL, NO! I’d call the police and have him arrested.” The point is, If an abuser treated us at the beginning of the relationship like he did at the end there would have been no relationship. 

An abuser knows if he wants to snare you, he must act and sound like a decent man. He becomes the romantic, thoughtful, caring, funny, seemingly honest, warm guy you’d hoped to find. There is no reason for you to suspect that he’s not who he appears to be, after all, you’re being honest about who you are. Yet, he’s hidden behind a facade. You think he’s interested to hear about your life. While, you feel flattered, he’s collects data that he will later use to manipulate you. He learns about your vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams. Later he will attack you in these very tender places to destroy your self-esteem. He asks questions about your opinions. You feel, Wow, this guy actually cares what I think. But, he’s planning how to bend your will to his. While you thrill at the thought that he’s finds you so attractive he can’t keep his hands off of you, he’s pushing you into a sexual relationship to hook you emotionally.

It’s no surprise, that victims come out of the relationship with huge trust issues.

We spend a lot of time beating ourselves up over something we were not responsible for. We did the right thing. We went into the relationship with an open heart, fell in love and trusted him. Isn’t that what we should do? Trust is part of the foundation of a healthy relationship (love, respect and communication are others.) The fault in the failed relationship sits squarely on the shoulders of the one who broke that trust. He misrepresented himself. He lied.

So, how do you know if you have a good man or not? Here are my thoughts. An abuser:

• Rushes the victim into a relationship.  He talks marriage, kids and starts planing the future too soon in the relationship. He may have his whole life mapped out, and the victim is, to him, the missing piece, expected to fit into HIS world. In Healthy relationships, partners take the needed time to get to know one another, and move at a comfortable pace for both people. There is no fear that if you don’t commit now the relationship is over.
• Doesn’t take “no” for an answer. He pouts, coerces, cajoles, accusing you of not caring for him, guilting you into yielding to his wishes. You may hear, “If you loved me you would/wouldn’t (insert activity here).” He may threaten to leave you if he doesn’t get his way. In Healthy relationships, partners respect each other’s feelings and needs. No, means no.
• Has a sense of entitlement. He may have a definite idea of gender roles in society, with the male role being superior to the female’s. He is often passionate about issues and has definite likes and dislikes. You may find yourself thinking, It’s more important to him than to me so I’ll just go along (or give in.) In Heathy relationships, partners do not require one party to always yield to the other’s wishes. Each partner has an equal say in decisions. Differences of opinion are negotiated and respected wether an agreement is reached or not.
• Monopolizes the victim’s time. He insists on always being together and is offended if you want time alone, with your friends or family members. He criticizes your friends and family, often insisting you stop seeing them, or makes it difficult for you to see them, isolating you. In Healthy relationships, partners give each other time together, and time to pursue individual interests or spend with friends. Also, they spend time with each other’s friends and family. Each partner maintains their own life. Those lives overlap (nether is absorbed into the other) into a life together.

For more information on this topic, I recommend Lundy Bancoft’s book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. It was an eye opener for me. 

Was It Really Abuse?

After leaving a violent relationship, I wanted to put it all behind me and move out into the world as if the abuse never happened. That’s a luxury victims of domestic violence aren’t allowed. We are left with too many scars and bruises that must heal before we can move on to a healthy relationship with ourselves or others. 

Determined to avoid another violent relationship, I sought answers to the nagging questions that colored my thinking. What was so awful about me that he couldn’t love me?  How did I get sucked into this relationship? Was this really abuse? Why do I feel I have to return to him? Will anyone ever love me? What does healthy thinking sound like?

This entry is the first of a series addressing those questions. 

Was It Really Abuse?

Until I went into therapy, I thought that hitting, punching, kicking, beating, and rape were the signs of abuse. I learned that abuse is more than physical attacks. It also includes verbal assaults, constant criticism, humiliation, mind games, control of finances, attacks on one’s faith, and more.

My partner started hitting me shortly after we were married. When he broke my eardrum with a blow to my head, I told him that if he continued to hit me, I would leave.  He accused me of not loving him. I felt terrible, but something inside me kept me from retracting my ultimatum. 

After that incident, the verbal abuse quickly escalated. His angry tirades scared me into compliance. He stopped hitting me but I was terrified that he would. When I’d hear about a woman being battered by her partner, I’d think, “What I live with isn’t so bad. At least he stopped hitting me.” 

Through treatment, I learned that what my partner did, was just as damaging as physical abuse. 

 To gain control, an abuser creates chaos to keep his victim’s attention on making him happy to assure peace in the home. He uses specific tools. Like making trivial demands.  Strict rules regarding everything from how to fold his clothing, stack canned goods in the cabinet, to insisting she washes the dishes only by hand, causing more work and less free time. She feels pressure to keep everything “perfect,” as defined by him. He makes rules that change at his whim. He expects the victim to know the rules have changed without being told. A controlling partner often limits the victim’s access to finances and provides less money to run the household than is needed, giving the abuser more excuses to berate the victim, claiming she is inept at handling money.

An abuser often makes it clear who is in control by refusing to help his victim. Teaching her that she cannot depend on him to watch her back. Even in an emergency, she cannot trust that he will be there for her. He may choose to let her struggle and suffer. 

An abuser plays mind games -- hiding his victim’s personal items. He tells her she did or said something she hadn’t, to make her think she’s going crazy. When she calls him on it, he twists her words and takes the discussion in a different direction, putting her on the defensive. He sets her up to fail. He teaches her that she cannot trust herself. 

He creates a world to ensure that he holds the power in the relationship and she feels helpless. Understanding this, I realized that my partner's actions were not about who he claimed I was-- an inept, stupid, worthless woman--but about who he was, an insecure man trying to feel important at my expense. Knowing this set me free from the labels he forced on me.

Holidays and Loneliness

Valentine’s day has come and gone. The talk on my Facebook page and in our groups has been about the yearning for ex-partners even though they were abusive. I’m not a therapist but I have been in a violent relationship, I understand. Most women realize that they are actually pining for the relationship they wished they’d had, not the man who abused them.

There’s nothing like a romantic or family holiday to make loneliness swell to overwhelming. And the b**** is, we know that if we return to him, the same old stuff will happen. If anything, we’ve learned about the cycle of abuse. The great honeymoon period, when he’s Mr. Wonderful and makes all kinds of promises designed to hook us back into the relationship. The tension period will always follow. He will begin to act surly and demanding (making us pay for his having to grovel to get us back) until it escalates into verbal or physical battering. We know this cycle will repeat itself, and the severity of the abuse will escalate with every incident. Too often the violence results in death for the victim.

When holidays come, the memories of the good times visit havoc on us. It’s hard to hold firm. That’s why it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abuser. How do you hold on?

I found it helped to have a friend I could call any time of the day or night. She’d meet me for coffee and she’d listen as I talked out my feelings. If I didn’t come around and realize that it was not in my best interest to go back, she’d gently remind me.

I had another revelation that helped me through that time and might help you. Most of us had a toy, blanket, something that we dragged around with us as a child. (Mine was a stuffed dog.) We couldn’t sleep without it tucked under our arms. We carried it most everywhere we went. If it was lost or misplaced we’d get hysterical, afraid that our precious toy was gone forever. 

Where is your toy today? Thrown away or tucked in a keepsake box? The point is that we no longer need it to sleep or keep us company because we’ve matured beyond that level. Let me assure you that the same thing will happen with this relationship. You will transcend this time and move on to a better life. One that fills you with joy. 

Will you have another relationship? That’s very possible. But for now, love and cherish yourself as you heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you. Know that when your anxious inner voice says, “no one else will ever love me.” It’s a lie that was planted by someone who thought that if he got you to believe that, you wouldn’t leave and find the happiness you deserve. 

Smile, you’ve just moved yourself up on the People Who Deserve Happiness List.

Celebrating What We Do Right

It’s easy to get so excited about what the new year can hold that we conger up big plans. We are going to change every aspect of our life that we have felt frustrated about for the last 10 years. “I will get up an hour early every day to do vigorous exercise, stop eating sweets, meditate daily, and lose 25 pounds.” Now, at three weeks into the new year, we’ve reached the point when all those resolutions are overwhelming and impossible to hold on to because “real life” runs alongside them. We slide down the slope to despair and self-loathing, setting the tone of our year to failure. 

What I have learned is that making  grandiose resolutions puts me under constant pressure because I’m not “perfect.” I took on too many changes, leaving me stressed out, riddled with guilt, and running a constant “I’ve blown it so I might as well give up -- I’m a loser anyway” tirade through my head. 

I’ve found success with this resolution: This year I will hang on to the good things I am already doing for myself. 

If you choose to share this resolution with me, I believe this will be a year of little victories for you and me. Taking care of ourselves is something we’ll celebrate. When we take a walk or eat a healthy, well-balanced meal, we’ll think about how good we feel and how we’ve honored our bodies. Things as simple as a soak in a hot bath, sleeping, and reading something inspiring are celebrated. When the rhythm of life takes us to a hectic place where emergencies take precedent, we’ll do our best, remain guilt-free, and celebrate the next healthy thing we do for ourselves. 

By focusing on the healthy things going on in our lives, we’ll be more encouraged to take that one step closer to better self-care. Since I've adopted this resolution, I’ve found myself doing more good things for myself. (It’s like parents who praise their child when s/he is being good soon discover the child will repeat that behavior more often.) During the year, I’d hear a healthy tip and think “I could add that one thing to my life.” 

For me, and I hope for you, it will feel a lot less like work and will show steady progress toward living a more robust life. Celebrate your successes with me this year. What did you do to honor your body and spirit today?