Fear, Sympathy and Anger--A Dysfunctional, Perfect Storm

When intertwined, fear, sympathy, and anger create one chaotic, dysfunctional, perfect storm of an abusive relationship. Its gathering winds start long before the couple meets.

Humans in an attempt to understand their world are apt to create stories to explain situations. Children of critical parents who never say the words “I love you,” tell themselves that they are inept and unloveable. They often become people-pleasers searching for someone who will love them. This is the story I carried into my marriage. I was exactly who a controlling partner wanted.

On the other hand, those who felt betrayed and cheated as children often tell themselves that the people they need will hurt or leave them. They feel entitled to take what they want as payback. The story they tell themselves is that in order to be safe, they must be in control. Sadly, that is usually at the expense of their partner’s safety. 

If you follow the threads of controlling behaviors to the end, you will find the underlying cause is fear. Jealously is the fear of losing a partner to someone else. Hiding all financial information from their partner is fear that their partner will have the resources to leave. Terrorizing, instilling fear of bodily harm, is driven by the fear that a partner may leave.

It didn’t take long for me to see through my partner’s bravado facade to the fear-infested person inside. The sympathy I felt for him held me in the relationship. I spent years trying to save him, assuring him that he was safe with me. All the while, I wasn’t safe with him. My desperation to earn his love was fear-based. I didn’t want to be a failure. The story I told myself was—if I could just hang in the marriage long enough, sacrificing myself, things would change. It took a long time for me to accept that his entitlement and fear-based internal stories created a lack of empathy and didn’t allow for the revelation or awakening that I had hoped to see in him. 

Therapy helped me rewrite my internal stories into healthy ones. My partner’s behavior wasn’t about me. The occurrences from my childhood that started the unhealthy story of who I was, weren’t about me. This knowledge is a blessing, but it can also be dangerous. 

When we understand the underlying fears that caused the bad behavior in our spouse, our sympathy for them can keep us entwined. Hope that things can change may hold or draw us back into the relationship. It’s important for us to disconnect from our emotions and use reason to evaluate the relationship.

In those highly charged moments, I recited the following truths:

• Though I feel sympathy for him, I will not minimize or excuse his bad behavior. It was wrong and should not be repeated. Nothing will change that fact. 
• Abuse is a choice. My partner chooses to abuse me.
• He is the only one who can change his behavior. If he wanted to save this relationship, he would have gone into treatment and followed the program. He did not, so he does not value our relationship. He will not change.

After leaving the relationship we experience a lot of anger and grieving. We mourn the loss of the dreams we had for our lives, and the men we thought our partners were. We are also angry. Our partners’ selfishness made a mess of our children’s and our lives. We feel enraged that we are left to suffer the consequences and clean it up.

Anger is good. It keeps us out of the relationship and gives us valuable energy to fight for a new and better life. As we move along the upward path, we can spend our time hating those who wronged us, but wouldn’t that mean they are still the center of our lives? Our focus is still on them—just where they want it to be. 

I suggest we turn our focus on ourselves and our children. We can stop trying to force our partners to be who they should be. We can stop trying to make up for their bad behavior toward our children and others. Suppose we step out of the drama and accept that the controllers will spin their wheels, rant, rave and tell lies. Suppose we let their words pass through us without sticking to our insides—because we have new stories of who we are. His old lies mean nothing. We can be age-appropriately honest with our children about our inability to change their fathers. We can use this as a teachable moment where our children learn about choices and consequences. We can admit the truth of the situation to them without showing anger or hatred toward their fathers. 

Escaping and staying out of abusive relationships means rewriting our internal stories, accepting the truth of our situations, and balancing our emotions with logic. Let us focus on loving ourselves enough to walk away and build a better life. 

Letting Joy Rule

I have a dog, Watson, who believes his soul purpose in life is to keep our yard clear of chipmunks. When I take him out on his leash, he leads me on a specific route, around the foundation at the back of the house, over to the woodpile behind the garage, up the property line along the lilac bushes to the back woodpile. Chipmunks squeak their warnings from the safety of the stacked logs, egging Watson on. Only after every nook and cranny has been sufficiently sniffed will Watson take care of our purpose for going out. 

Sometimes on these walks, I look ahead and see chippers frolicking about the yard.  Watson doesn’t see them, he’s focused on the woodpile, shoving his face in every hole, barking at the perceived chipmunk’s hunkered down inside. 

Today, while sitting on the deck, I watched Watson, on point, head through the guardrail, scrutinizing a chipper pathway below. He quivered with excitement, sure a chipmunk would show up any moment. Gated on the deck, there was no way he’d be able to chase one if it did show up. Out in the yard two chipmunks scurried from trees to flowerbeds and back. Watson didn’t see them. (I have to admit, I didn’t point them out to him. His bark is deafening.) 

Watching him, I realized that I had also been focusing on a problem that I could do nothing about. How blind have I been to all the wonderful blessings around me? It’s so easy to focus on what isn’t right and forget about all that is right in our lives. Gratitude. I’d like to pay more attention to all the things that I am grateful for. Why give my focus to something I can’t do anything about? Why allow sadness to have more weight in my life than joy? If I can let sadness rule, why can’t I let joy rule? 

John Locke, an English philosopher said “What worries you, masters you.” I prefer to let joy master me.

Our Words Create

The great minds agree that the words we speak, create. We can send out unkind or healing words -- our call. The words we use to describe ourselves affects our self-esteem. We can also change our journey using words.

It’s interesting how lessons we have to learn start to appear in various areas of our lives. It’s good that they don’t avalanche over us all at once, but come gracefully, one by one. Okay, maybe gracefully is not the best word, sometimes lessons pummel us over the head. My point is, the creating power of our words seems to be my current issue, again. It has been showing up in my reading materials. It’s made me think back about my words. 

My first memory on this issue was an incident from  twenty-some years ago, when I stopped my car on the side of a country road - my then-husband was coming home after working out of state for 2 peace-filled months. During his absence breathing was easier. The kids migrated from their rooms, blooming like roses. We talked, laughed, enjoyed one another.  I was less distracted and able to focus on them. I could take care of tasks and make plans without fear that they would interfere with his wants and needs. The kids and I ate dinner without the glaring unused dishes at the head of the table, a harbinger that he would come home drunk and most likely angry. During the time he was gone, I didn’t need to be “on” all the time, hyper-vigilant to his every wish to ensure peace in our home. 

Now he was coming home. A suffocating black cloud of fear and dread cloaked me. Stopped aside the road that day, I opened my door, stepped out and shouted to God and all of creation, “I refuse to live like this anymore.” 

My husband came home. Numb, I walked through the motions. There was a sense that dominoes were falling around me. I didn’t know what was going to happen. Hoped that through some miracle he would be healed of his alcoholism, his anger issues and maybe even come to love me (I though these were the problems, didn’t know it was domestic abuse).  

I left for work one morning and tears began to roll down my face. Why was I crying? Willing them to stop, did no good, they continued. Again I stopped on the side of the road. Tried to pull myself together, sop up the tears. Couldn’t go to work like that. There was no stopping them. All I could do was return home. 

Once there, my husband interrogated me. “What’s wrong with you?” was the gentlest of his comments. I didn’t know how to answer. I spent the day sitting in a chair in the bedroom, fighting the feelings I’d kept so diligently pushed down under the surface of justifications I’d created to survive. Finally, I had to face the facts - there was no way I could save this marriage. I’d done everything I knew how to do. It was time to give it up and admit that if the marriage would survive, it would be by God’s hand, not mine. I released my grip. Let go. Could what will happen next be any worse then what the kids and I were already going through?

Those dominos began to fall into place. My children went to visit my parents in another state. While at a gathering with friends in our old neighborhood, my partner blew up at me. This was the first time any of our friends had see the violent side of him. He told me to go pack our things, we were leaving. I did. Others tried to reason with him, he’d been drinking all day. I was petrified to get in the car and travel the two hours home.  Didn’t know if we’d make it and terrified of what he’d do to me if we did. When I came into the kitchen, he said, “Let’s go.”

Suddenly, I was standing in a dark room. The door was open, there was light out there that didn’t shine into the darkness. A voice said, “If you don’t leave now, that door will close and you will live in this darkness forever.”

It was the first time I ever told my partner, “No.”

He erupted. The men at the party protected me and sent him away. I believed that he’d come back later that night and kill me. He didn’t. 

Words, spoken on the side of a road started a new future for me. Even though I meant those words, God had to wrestle control from me in the quiet of my bedroom, and again in my friend’s kitchen. “What’s it going to be?” We alway have a choice. 

My lesson: After we speak our truth to creation we need to get out of its way. 

Deja vu Nightmare

On PBS, Wayne Dyer told a story written by Portia Nelson, “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk; Autobiography in Five Short  Chapters.” It’s about walking down the street and repeatedly falling into the same hole until she finally decides to walk down a different street. 

I began to think how this parallels what often happens to victims of abuse. I jotted down how it might go. 

You meet a guy who’s kind, romantic and crazy about you. So caught up by his attention and adoration, you agree to marry him, immediately- wouldn't want to miss this opportunity. Once married, he begins to nit-pick, pointing out what’s wrong with you. When you try to call him on his behavior, he claims you are “too sensitive,” crazy and self-absorbed. Soon he’s telling you that you are stupid and worthless and can’t do anything right. He does a number on your self-esteem and teaches you that you cannot trust yourself.  He begins to batter you because you “push his buttons.” You’re stunned that this has happened and struggle to make sense of it, fix yourself so he will love you like before. His mind games and threats trap you in the relationship. It may take years to get out. 

You meet a guy who’s kind, romantic and crazy about you. You feel harried and anxious to be in a relationship and walk away from the past. You’re new partner wants to take care of you. It feels so good after what you’ve been through, you marry him. You start to grow stronger. He reminds you of your previous poor choices and how he knows what's best for you. He begins to point out what is wrong with you. It isn’t long before you see that he’s another abuser. You start blaming yourself. What’s wrong with me? How could I be so stupid to do this again? Maybe I am a horrible person and deserve this treatment. Perhaps, you end this relationship sooner. Maybe you stay longer ashamed to admit you’ve done it again and no one will ever truly love you. But to save your life (and maybe the lives of your children) you finally leave.

You meet a guy who’s kind, romantic and crazy about you. You feel that time is running out for you and you don’t want to be alone. So damaged by the previous relationships, you don’t believe you can take care of yourself. You’re surprised that anyone loves you. You look him over carefully and decide to take a chance-- live with him not marry him. OMG. Not again!!!  Maybe all men are abusers. There are no nice men out there. If you want someone, you’d have to put up with the abuse. It becomes so painful that in spite of the fear of being alone, you’re out quicker this time, feeling worthless and helpless.

You meet a guy who is kind, romantic and interested in you. But you don’t trust your gut anymore. How do you know if he’s truly a great guy or another violent man hiding behind a facade? You blow up the relationship.

You go into treatment with a therapist who is trained in domestic abuse issues. You learn that the abuse was not about you, but about your partner. It was not your fault. You were a victim sucked in by well rehearsed controlling men. You learn that you are a survivor. You take time to rediscover yourself, learn to trust your gut, repair your self-esteem, build a career and change your self-talk. Most important, you learn that you can take care of yourself.

You meet a guy who is kind and romantic and seems interested in you. You don’t feel rushed. As a matter of fact, you like being single, running your own life. So you date him with no preconceived notion that he will be a life partner. He doesn’t try to rush you into a commitment. He respects your boundaries. He talks and listens. He has a passion in life and encourages you in your passion. You meet his friends. He meets yours. You have shared interests and some that are individual. You take plenty time to do the things you enjoy doing on your own. He respects that and pursues his own interests. You like him as a person. He shows respect to others. You talk about marriage. What is his vision for finances, shared responsibilities, children, etc.? If your visions don’t jive, you walk away or if you choose, keep the relationship at its current level. Then you open your heart wide.

Last word: While this scenario is more likely if the victim was raised in an violent home, any of us can fall into it. We end up living with ghosts from past relationships. Therapy can help us learn how to keep those ghosts from destroying our future relationships. Through therapy, we learn how to stand up for ourselves and work through difficulties with our partner, creating a stronger, healthy bond.

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

This is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. I understand the word “date” is slowly disappearing from teens vocabulary. The “dating” that I participated in ages ago has developed into a more joint responsibility for cost and opened up to group activities. I like that. So let’s call it Teen Relationship Violence Awareness Month.  (Which could also include bullying anyone, partner or not.) 

This is what I’d like our teens to know:

You are the only you on this planet. Only you have the combination of gifts and talents for your mission in life. Your abilities won’t be identical to anyone else's. But that’s okay. You are here because you are supposed to be here -- at this time -- right now. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t earn it. It was given to you as an opportunity. You have the right to claim and fill your space on this planet.

As you journey through life, you will discover your gifts and talents, honing them by the good and bad experiences you encounter. Your gifts can be used for good or evil. I hope you chose good, even if you’ve been wounded along the way. It’s always a choice to be kind or unkind- your choice. Sometimes it takes more strength of character to be kind. However, this doesn’t mean that you don’t protect and take care of yourself. There is a fine line between caring for others and becoming a people pleaser who gives to others at the expense of themselves. Don’t become a people pleaser. You have the right to decide who is a part of your life and how they should treat you.

You deserve to be, treated with respect by the people in your life. Others deserve the same from you. There are many people out there that will treat you right. You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, put up with anyone who isn’t respectful - no matter how much you believe you love them and they profess to love you. Watch their actions for the truth about how they feel toward you. If they are constantly criticizing you, berating you, humiliating you, they don’t love you. You will never “love someone enough” to make them love you. Not everyone will like you. Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you, it’s about them. 

Helping someone else, should never hurt you. One big hook a controlling partner uses to hold on to his partner is to convince her that he really wants to and will change but he needs her help. People who want to change, do. They take responsibility and do the work. They put all the effort into changing. If it requires help, they go to a professional trained to guide them, not expect their partner to heal them. 

You cannot change anyone else. You can only change yourself. Often, the best way to help someone is to not buy into their bad behavior, just walk away. There are others who will love and respect you and you can love again- this is not the only person in the world for you. Yes, it hurts to break up. That hurt only lasts a short time. Staying in an abusive relationship hurts 7/24/365. 

Healthy relationships consist of two people who are genuinely concerned for the other but also maintain their own life. That means each gets to discover and pursue their own passion in life. Take their own journey. Define who they are. Develop their own life space. These life spaces can overlap into a shared space (a relationship.) The guy’s journey doesn’t require the girl to give up her journey in order to be loved. Neither should her life space swallow up or negate his. Also, he doesn’t terrorize his partner, paralyzing and inhibiting her from becoming who she was meant to be. Someone who loves you will be your biggest cheerleader, supporting you during your journey of discovery. And you will reciprocate. 

During the teen years, girls and guys think differently. There is nothing wrong with ether way of thinking, it’s just the way we’re wired. Girls are apt to be ready to form a committed relationship before guys are. While she’s thinking we’ll be together forever and ever.  He may also think the same thing. However, her forever and ever is defined as until death do us part. His is often for the next six months. You need to know where your partner is coming from. In healthy relationships partners can talk about issues such as this and respect each other perspective.

Here are some red flags that indicate you are in an unhealthy relationship. Your partner:

1. Doesn’t take “no” for an answer.
2.   Moves too fast and is rushing you into exclusivity, sex. 
3.   Is jealous and limits your circle of friends and who you can talk to.
4.   Monopolizes your time.
5.   Shows up unexpectedly when you are out with friends.
6.   Calls or texts many times throughout the day and night.
7.   Gets angry if you don’t immediately answer the text or call.
8.   Has a sense of entitlement - believes one gender is “better” or deserves better treatment than the other.
9.   Is closed minded about his beliefs and refuses to listen to or consider your opinion.

Finally, if you or a friend need help, please call the National Teen Dating Abuse hotline at: 866.331.9474. 

Here are some websites for teens:

 http://loveisrespect.org/

http://breakthecycle.org/

http://pic.tv/daily/2011/02/16/raising-awareness-teen-dating-violence/

Click on the “Comments” link below and share what you want teens to know.

Letting Go

Dear Friends,

I don’t know who wrote this. If you do, please let me know. I would like to thank the author. This is perfect for the new year. Let’s agree to let go.  

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

May this coming year bring you more joy and less worries that you expected. 

Hope/Hopelessness

In this season of hope, I think of how victims of DV live with both hopefulness and hopelessness. No one is more hopeful than a victim of abuse. It’s one of the main reasons victims stay, believing that their partner will change at any moment and everything will be okay. We have to think that way because our perception is that there is no way out of the relationship. Since he controls the relationship, we know that only he has the power to change things. 

It’s interesting that both hope and hopelessness can co-exist within us. In that twilight zone juncture, pondering “do I stay or do I leave,” these two emotions become all consuming. If we leave, hope keeps us questioning and doubting our decision. Having been taught not to trust our own judgement feeds into that dilemma. “But he can be so wonderful.” “If I hadn’t [insert partner’s favorite reason why you ruined things] everything would be okay.” Though we understand that our partner will always find fault with us, we continue to hope that we can be better, good enough. And, we hope that we can find the magic solution to heal/fix/cure our partner. When we face the fact that we cannot change anyone but ourselves, hopelessness overwhelms us.

Our partners promise to change. They cry, plead, and beg us to stay or return. If that doesn’t work, they pour on the guilt. They needs us, we’re taking their children from them, causing them to lose their job, ruining their reputations. (Notice nothing’s said about how they’ve destroyed our lives.) If that doesn’t work, it’s on to threats. They’ll kill themselves, us, the children, our families. All the time ramping up the pressure on us to stay or return. Worn and exhausted hopelessness sets in.

Some partners say that they hate what they are doing to us. That indicates that they know what they are doing is wrong and should not be repeated. Anyone who knows what they are doing can stop doing it -- if they really want to.

We beg God to change our partner. Since God has given mankind choice, God does not change anyone without his or her consent and cooperation, he or she has to do the work. That means an abuser has to take steps to stop the behavior. The first step -- go into batterer’s treatment. Second step -- do the work and complete the program. Third step -- do whatever is needed to stay on the right track. Any effort less than that means there will be no change.

Another thing we struggle with in this twilight zone, is that all the effort we’ve put into the relationship will be lost if we leave. “Wonder if he does change?” “Someone else will reap the benefits of my work and I’ll have to start over with someone else.” If he hasn’t gone into treatment serious about changing, he’s not going to change. His behavior isn’t about who we are, it’s about who they are. The victims are interchangeable. 

This is the season of hope. I know it can be hard to face the holidays when you're alone, recovering from abuse. Everything around you can remind you of lost dreams and hopes. Everything seems to reek of love and family closeness, sending you into a tailspin of hopelessness and depression. Suddenly you’re remembering the good times and discounting the bad ones. This is when you need to hold strong. If you haven’t made a list of what you love about him and what you’d change, now’s the time. Write down the truth of how you’ve been treated. If you stay or return all those bad behaviors will continue.

To get to a better life you will have to be uncomfortable for a time, just for a time. Let me assure you that you can have hope -- hope that your future will hold a better life for you and your children. The path is not easy, but hang in there. This Christmas celebrate how far you’ve come. Do your best to focus on the blessings in your life. Try to concentrate only on today and trust that the future will take care of itself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, meet the challenges of each day and you will walk out of the darkness. All of us who have been there are standing with you, holding you in prayer. 

May the grace of this season touch your heart and peace surround you with it’s comforting and joyous glow. 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The media reports that the number of cases of abuse is dropping. If you ask those working in the shelters they’ll tell you it’s not. Perhaps the number of deaths due to DV has dropped, for now, but the shelter’s waiting lists are growing, as well as the number of calls to crisis lines. We have good programs in place for those who seek help and dedicated people who work tirelessly to help victims rebuild their lives. Thank God for advocates.

Sometime - no - often, the amount of violence occurring feels overwhelming. I can blame the abuse on the fact that too many of us aren’t brought up in a home or house of worship that teaches kindness and healthy communication skills. I can say that the business world with it’s “dog eat dog” “swim with the sharks” “get them before they get you” attitude teaches lording power over others. And don’t get me started on the messages our kids get from the media and cultural beliefs regarding men and women’s roles. But pointing the finger isn’t going to solve anything. Neither is throwing up our hands in exasperation. 

We can put all our effort into helping after the fact, but until we, as Stephen Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, hack at the root of the problem, we can’t change anything. A key component to ending violence is educating our kids. Teaching them what healthy relationships look like as well as red flags in relationships. It would be lovely if all parents knew how to raise healthy, kindhearted and self-confident children. I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. We know that children who have been raised believing that they are worthless and stupid can be turned around - and deserve to be turned around. One loving adult who shows a child that he or she has gifts and a passion that will lead him or her to success can make a difference. In this busy world, where we are all living under stress, it’s hard to take the time to nurture another. But, it’s up to each one of us if we want to change things.

Along with our children, we need to educate society. Let’s face it, deep-seated systematic oppression of women continues even after the feminist movement’s attempt to eradicate it. Also, male privilege is so ingrained in our culture that it’s not even on our radar screen. For an example just look at the commercials on TV.  Their messages have clear gender rolls. It’s up to us, in whatever our walk in life may be, to become sensitive to this issue and work for change by speaking out as well as learn how to reach out to someone we suspect may need help.

We need to stop asking the question “Why does she stay?” and instead ask “Why does [the abuser] do that?” Place the blame where it belongs, on the offender. There are many excellent batterers treatment programs around the country. Getting an abuser there is the problem. And even if we do, will he or she embrace the help and change? We can’t make that decision for the offender. As long as abusing others to get what the offended wants works, why should he or she change? So, it seems to me that we have to find a way to make abusing others undeniably abhorrent to society and not worth the price the offender will pay. 

We have to get serious about ending family violence. Off the top of my head, I can think a few needs:

1. Society needs to view the offender as the one at fault/stop blaming the victim.
2. We need to pay attention to those around us and if we suspect abuse, reach out to the victim.
3. Children need to be educated about dating/family violence and healthy relationships.
4. Children need to be mentored by an supportive adult who validates their passion in life and helps them develop healthy self-esteem.
5. Shelters need volunteers.
6. Shelters need financial support.
7. Consequences for violence needs to be more severe.
8. Abusers need incentive to go into treatment and change.
9. Laws need to be changed to protect victims and children.
10. Court systems need to re-look at how they handle these cases, require more in-depth investigation, family care and protection.

How to do these thing? Ask those who work in the thick of it for more suggestions. The important thing is that each one of us gets involved in some way. Doing what we can, making a difference where we are able. Can you mentor a child? Volunteer at a shelter? Work with others to change the laws? You don’t have to do it all. Just pick one and take a stand against domestic violence.

Real-life Forgiveness

I don’t know who first came up with linking forgive and forget together, but whoever it was, was wrong. We don’t forget. It’s impossible to forget. We have brains that store millions of bits of information every day.  Trauma makes a deep, lasting impression in our memories and physical bodies. We know that people who were traumatized as small children, can recall the minute details of that trauma later in life. We are only just beginning to recognize and address the effects of trauma on our soldiers. No. We don’t forget. If we could forget, it would mean we would lose an important lesson meant to protect us in future encounters. We remember for an reason. 

So, let’s throw out the guilt about not “forgetting” what was done to us and look at real-life forgiveness. 

In his book, Forgiveness is a Choice, Robert Enright, PhD, says forgiveness happens when you let go of the desire to take revenge and no longer wish evil on the one who harmed you. That frees you from carrying the anger and resentment that colors your life. You don’t even have to tell the one who harmed you that you forgive them. (Let’s face it, in many cases they wouldn’t care or it’s better if you stay away from that person and not give any indication that they can worm their way back into your life.)

I heard Dr. Enright speak on the subject a year or so after my divorce, when I was wallowing in guilt over not forgiving my ex. Enright said something that struck me-  forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. I could forgive and not put myself back into the situation! I always thought that if you forgave, you had to return to the relationship and pretend the offense never happened (that forget piece.) Returning meant I opened myself up to the possibility that it could happen again (those of us who experienced abuse know it does.) Having lived the cycle of abuse, it was good to hear that forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation.  Also, he went on to say that it doesn’t condone, excuse, or minimize bad behavior. It does, however, state that what the offender did was wrong and that it should not be repeated. (Wow! I wanted to stand up and cheer.) Furthermore, we can forgive and still seek justice through the legal system, requiring an offender to face the consequences of his (or her) actions. (Yea, Dr. Enright!)

Forgiveness is a gift of grace, meaning that the offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, but never-the-less, it’s offered. 

In his book, Enright makes it clear that the process of forgiving can take some time. The depth of the hurt and the length of the time over which we were injured determines how long it will be. Those offended get to decide when the time is right and need not feel guilty. Saying we forgive before we are ready would be a lie. We would end up harboring resentment. That’s not true forgiveness.

By processing at our own speed, we are not holding the infraction over the offender’s head or throwing it up at him (or her.) Many of us heard from our partners, “You have to forgive me.” Offenders try to make us feel guilty because we are hurt and angry at their behavior and not ready to forgive.  They may try to pound us over the head with Bible verses about forgiving, insisting that we forgive instantly or we aren’t Christians. They shout, “It’s over. I said I was sorry. Get over it.” This is how those who have wronged us try to turn the tables to make us feel guilty and them the victims.  Someone who’s truly sorry will give you the space and time to work through the pain. He or she will also take steps to atone for the bad behavior.

In Women Who Run With the Wolves, Carissa Pinkola Estes talks about forgiveness not coming in one sitting, but in percentages. Usually, we think forgiveness is a 100 percent or nothing deal. Pinkola Estes says it has layers. You may only be 55 percent forgiving and working on the remainder. If you are at 10 percent, you may not be ready to forgive, but open to considering it. The point is, if you are willing to move toward forgiveness you are taking steps in the right direction. Cut yourself some slack. Trust that the process will move at it own pace. 

“You are not bad if you do not forgive easily. You are not a saint if you do. Each to her own, and all in due time.” Pinkola Estes

“Forgiveness is free; trust must be earned.” Robert D. Enright, PhD

You can download my interview with Dr. Enright by going to www.hazelden.org/bookstore. Search for my book But He’ll Change and click on a copy. Scroll down the page to the .pdf link for Interviews with experts. This is a free download.

Filling Your Space

I’m reading Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk. She asks how your life might be different if you’d had a circle of wise women to help you see and learn who you are. Women who would nurture and encourage you throughout your life, showing you what being a woman is about. 

What a gift that would be.

This is what I think the wise women would tell us -- whether we believe in God or evolution, we are each an integral part of this universe. We have a designated space carved out by God or, if you choose, an evolutionary link needed in this world. If we didn’t exist, some things on this planet would be different. 

Yes, there is a specific place in this world for you and me, just because we exist.

Reading this book, I realized that I spent a lot of my life curled up in the heel of my space, instead of standing up and filling it. Maybe you, too, have felt powerless, inadequate, and undeserving.

Many of us were raised to be someone else's vision for us. Some of us had families who had no idea how to love and raise a child. Some of us were battered verbally and/or physically and isolated from the ones who would have nurtured and encouraged us. We were humiliated, degraded, and threatened. Taught that we weren’t worth loving. 

If you were like me, you tried to earn your partner’s love by being whoever and whatever your partner wanted you to be. You tried to be the perfect wife, mother, and housekeeper but always fell short in the eyes of your partner. You gave of yourself to the point you lost your true self and felt empty. You went numb.

Things may have come to a point for you like it did for me. You just tried to stay out of the line of fire. You backed down, and curled into a tight ball, hiding in the corner of your space, convinced you had no power to change things and there was no way out. 

How would your life be different if you had been encouraged and affirmed as you became the person you were meant to be? If the wise women had told you that your life’s journey has provided you with knowledge, gifts, and talents that are unique to you. And that, each moment in this life, you are taking in more knowledge that will move you farther along the path you are meant to walk. You’re Acquiring abilities you need to do the next thing in your life’s work. Knowing this, could you then rise up and fill your space with confidence? How would it feel?

Suppose they told you that you could heal that small frightened child within by giving her all the love and nurturing she didn’t receive. You can visualize yourself as a little girl, take her into your arms, and look into her eyes. Tell her, “I’m sorry about what happened in your life. You deserved better than you received. You are a sacred human being and will make a difference in this world. I love you.”

How would your life be different if you let yourself grieve the past, feeling the pain until it dissipates? It will, with time. If you like, you can ask a trusted friend to sit with you during this exercise (not to try to fix you, but to acknowledge the hurt,) hold you, and assure you that you deserve better.  Then you can move on knowing that you are here for a purpose. You deserve good things in your life.

If you have no idea what your life’s purpose is, it doesn’t matter. You will fulfill your purpose if you stand, fill your space, and open your heart to your life’s lessons and opportunities.

How would it feel?

I Don't Make Good Decisions

Continuing the series on beliefs that we have to deal with when we leave an abuser -- 

 “I don’t make good decisions.”

A victim lives with a partner who teaches her that she is incompetent. While he may encourage, even insist, she make decisions, he’s really setting her up so he can destroy her self-esteem. Any choice she makes will be wrong and her partner will berate her for hours, pointing out how stupid she is. She becomes terrified of making even the simplest decision.

After leaving him, she still carries with her the terror of the ramifications of making a wrong choice. Now, faced with the many life-changing decisions (safety for herself and children, TROs, divorce, child custody, children’s emotional well-being, lawyers, judges, living accommodations, and many more) she feels paralyzed. Meanwhile, her partner pressures her to return to him, using mind games. He professes his love and expresses his deep concern for her ability to make it on her own. This is meant to keep her off balance and reinforce her feeling of incompetence.

Whether a victim goes to a shelter or not, she can still use the services of an advocate trained to help women who are faced with major life decisions. (If there is no shelter in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for assistance: 800-799-7233) A shelter advocate lays out the choices and helps a victim think through each. Advocates don’t pressure or make any decisions for the victim, but empowers her as she develops a safety plan, walks through the court system, plans a budget, finds a home and many other needs. As a victim moves through the process she begins to realize she is competent.

Another decision-type issue we deal with is the feeling of not knowing what we want or like. We’d focused only on our partner’s wants and likes for such a very long time, ours fell away. I had to rediscover what I enjoyed doing, eating, seeing. A strange side to this issue was that since I was so used to not doing things I enjoyed, after I left I needed prompting to do things. It took a while for me to be spontaneous and decide to go to a movie or out to lunch. 

After I left, I’d hesitate to buy clothing. I didn’t know what to buy because I’d lived with a strict criteria on what I was allowed to wear. Also, money had been an issue. A few years after my divorce, while shopping with a friend, I was drooling over an outfit. “Buy it,” she said. “It’s really a little more than I want to spend right now.” I told her. She looked me in the eye and said. “If not now, when?” She was right. We deserve things that make us feel happy. So budgeting in a little more for something special, on occasion, is a lovely gift we give ourselves.

My final note about decisions: It’s easy to look at choices in an all-or-nothing manner. Often there is more than one right choice. And even if I we make a “wrong” choice or one that didn’t turn out as we’d hoped, we can change it. It’s not the end of the world. I like Thomas Edison’s reply to the guy who asked Edison about all his failures as he invented the lightbulb -- Edison said, “I haven’t failed. I just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” 

Everything in a controlling relationship is so heavy, we forget that it’s not necessarily a big deal to make a mistake. We need to lighten up on ourselves and keep moving forward.

I Can't Make it on My Own

 One of the biggest false beliefs that held me in my relationship for far too long was: 

On my own, I can’t make it in the outside world.

When we leave the relationship, we are thrown into a world we are not prepared to handle. We’ve lived under our partner’s rules, expectations, and boundaries. Thinking for ourselves or making decisions wasn't allowed. Also, he’s painted the outside world as his co-conspirator. Due to the Stockholm syndrome and brainwashing we believe that no one will listen to us or believe our word over his.   

It’s hard for us to trust that there are people who will listen to and believe us. Many of us had to hit bottom and feel we had no place else to go. Empty and numb we had no choice but to tell our story to someone. Thank God, there are people who are eager to help, www.ndvh.org, www.ncadv.org, our family, shelter personnel, therapists and others.

The affirmation and support we receive from others can help us to not only trust others, but to trust ourselves again. With renewed awareness, we learn to listen and act on our inner authentic voice, instead of the voice in our head that’s driven by fear. As we trust our own wisdom, our self-esteem starts to grow. We don’t beat ourselves up over decisions that don’t turn out the way we’d hoped, but learn from them. We develop tools to determine who fits as a friend and who must go, and walk away from people who are negative or non-supportive. (No more people pleasing or substituting their beliefs for our own.) We make clear statements to the offender, saying we choose to end all contact. If he persists, we consider him a stalker and take legal action (get a protection order, communicate with the police, document contact attempts, save threatening voice mail messages, and letters and if need, prosecute him.) 

If we can’t walk away from the offenders (i.e. they’re family or the father of our children), we take care of ourselves by (obtaining protection orders if needed) limiting our time with them. Often it’s easier to drop off/pick up children through a third party. We set clear rules -- conversations are limited to child related issues only, any disparaging remarks end the conversation, immediately. Soon we can identify the games our ex or others play, allowing us to stand apart and watch without being caught up in it or taking it personally.  What they do or say is not about us, but about who they are.

Many of us left everything behind, grateful to get out with our life and our kids. Rebuilding our life is no small feat. It’s overwhelming. I found that if I concentrated on what I can do today to take one more step forward, I could control the anxiety. Writing in a journal about my pain, anger and frustration helped, too. (Later I could look back and see how far I’d grown.) Joining a support group and therapy was crucial to my recovery. Prayer has always been a part of my life, it strengthened and comforted me.

I hated doing the work, but did it anyway. One step at a time. When I caught myself looking for an easy solution, I’d stop. There is no easy solution. We hadn’t had control over our lives for so long that it feels uncomfortable and frightening to take command. Finding someone to take control and responsibility again can be appealing. The fear and loneliness can also be so overwhelming that we might consider returning to our abusers. To quell these urges, I wrote a list of what I liked about my partner and what I’d change. That was enough to remind me why returning to him was not a good idea. 

It’s also not a good idea to jump into a new relationship before we’ve cleaned up the crime scene on our spirits. Those relationships usually blow up in our faces and only add to our bruised and bloodied souls. Not to mention, wreck havoc on another person’s life, or the lives of our children should they become attached to this person.

It’s hard work, but worth it. One of the most important lessons I learned was that I could take care of myself and my kids. I didn’t need anyone, but I wanted someone to share my life with. When I believed that I could trust myself to deal with whatever came my way (and not crumble up, die and blow away in the wind if it didn’t work out), I was able to risk opening my heart to love. And love came.

The bottom line is that we have to trust ourselves before we can trust others. We’ll talk more about this.