Don't Miss The Good Stuff

The holidays are here. Some of us may have mixed emotions, leftover memories of Christmases past haunting us. Often, it’s a time when single people pine for a relationship that mirrors the romantic movies and TV diamond commercials. It’s easy to go numb and walk through the holiday with blinders on hoping to not feel the pain. But, going numb means we also miss the joy of the season. 

While part of us looks forward to Christmas, another part remembers how our hopes and dreams were shattered in the past. Joyous times ended in violence. Soon, the holidays were something to dread, not anticipate. If any of that dread is still lurking in you, write in your journal, talk to a friend or therapist, and clean out the hurtful feelings that are suffocating your happiness. 

It’s common to have our self-talk convince us to block out joy as if that will prevent us from being disappointed or devastated should things go wrong. It won’t. Both disappointment and happiness come as a part of life. Focusing on the bad does not exempt us from it nor does it lessen the pain. What it does, is keep joy at bay. Should our self-talk warn us to expect the worst, let’s tell it to shut up and replace those thoughts with a list of the blessings in our lives. Rosemary Clooney, in the movie White Christmas, had it right when she sang, “When I’m worried and I can’t sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep.”  Stay present and see the beauty around you. Make a list of the good things in your life. Count your blessings.

Holidays can make your life seem empty without a partner. You feel that you can’t be happy without that “someone” in your life who makes you feel special. That’s the downer voice, again. It’s not true. Yes, the transition time between relationships often stinks - that voice inside you whispers that you’ll never find anyone who will love you, and you’ll never have a happy life. At this time of year, it’s easy to rush into a relationship hoping that this new person is the right one. Often they aren’t, and you come away devastated and the downer voice inside is reinforced. Right now, accept that you don’t have a partner and that’s okay. There are people around you that love you. Embrace that love and let it fill you. Instead of putting off living, create a wonderful holiday for yourself and others. Revel in your children’s excitement. Invite loved ones over to decorate and make cookies, feed the hungry, ring the bell, join a choir, and go caroling. Get involved in causes that mean something to you. Make each day special -- play. You may feel hollow inside at first but soon Christmas joy will fill you. Don’t put your life on hold. Create a new life that’s filled with the people and things you love. Stay aware and breathe in the holiday spirit.

You are a blessing in my life. Thank you for your notes, comments, and reviews of my book.

Merry Christmas Dear Ones.

PTSD - Who Me?

When an idea for a blog comes, I’ve learned to jot it down immediately and a little description of my intention. Otherwise, by the time I start to write I have no idea what I was thinking. Too many middle-of-the-night, writing-in-the-dark, indecipherable-scribbles have taught me to get up and go to the computer to make notes.

For several months, I’ve had a document called “Healing from the Numbness” on my desktop. I’d planned to talk about how many of us used numbness to cope with the constraints of the abuse. Our abusers trained us to let go of our desire to pursue the things we enjoyed and instilled this habit in us by linking pain to any attempt we made to thrive. We learned to go numb, saying, "It really doesn't matter, anyway." When we left the relationship, the habit remained. Many of us have said, “I don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t know what to do with my life.” In my blog, I’d planned to talk about rediscovering our gifts and talents. About coming alive, reminding ourselves that we can go out to lunch with friends, see a move, take a painting class, be spontaneous. Especially, do things to show ourselves that we can set and pursue our goals and be rewarded not punished.

Somehow I could never get myself to write this blog. Other ideas seemed to stand up and wave their arms at me like eager kindergardeners, “Do me first!” They shouted. It was a good thing I waited, (a divine thing, as in, it was meant to be) While what I’d been thinking of writing is valid, the numbness concept for me has expanded.

Over dinner with a girlfriend one evening, I told her how after a speaking engagement it seems to take me longer and longer to shake off the darkness of my abuse experience. The heaviness, that once faded in the few minutes it took me to drive home, was now lingering for about 3 days. During this time, I had a hard time concentrating on anything, felt excessively tired and had to push myself to get things done. It felt like my brain had numbed out and refused to function. My husband, noticed the change in me.

My friend, a therapist, looked at me over a forkful of pasta, and said, “Were you ever treated for PTSD?”

When I left my ex no one knew about PTSD. I never considered that it was a problem for me. Really hadn’t been, so I thought. Good grief, the terrifying nightmares stopped about 25 years ago! If my ex does show up in a dream, he’s innocuous and I feel no fear. When I remember or talk about something that had happened, I'm not filled with fear or feel like I’m reliving the experience, but say to myself, “He did a cruel and terrible thing to me. It was not okay. That was then. This is now.” Didn’t that mean I had it licked?

My friend referred me to a therapist who works with those struggling with PTSD. I was tested. While talking with my therapist, I recounted a recent incident where I felt trapped in a car with an enraged driver - the trigger that change things. Being an advocate of touching base with a mental health expert as needed, I’m in treatment and discovering more about this numbing-out coping mechanism. 

At first I was stunned that I found myself in that car at that moment. Yes, and a little angry with myself. But, honestly, we can learn to recognize clear signs of danger and back away from people who are potentially violent. However, we can’t assume that everyone who shows signs of stubbornness, narcissism, anger (or any of the unflattering traits we all possess to some degree), are going choose a dangerous response under stress. Apparently, I’d forgotten that. This incident reminded me that all of us can find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation. People are going to act out, unexpectedly. When it happens we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not seeing some sign, just move ourselves to a place that is safe. We can learn techniques to prevent one episode from sending us back into the darkness. Then celebrate how far we’ve come. We saw it. We faced it. We didn't take responsibility for what happened. We put the blame where it belonged and sought help from a therapist- if needed, then moved on.

There is alway more I can learn about the affects and effects of domestic violence. I’ll be sharing insights as things progress. Stay tuned...

Comments are always welcome. Click on the Comment link below.

Embracing Peace and Wallowing in Joy

I had an aha moment reading Martha Beck’s article “Wild Life” in the December issue of O magazine. I’ve been thinking about writing a blog on watching for the pockets of joy this holiday season. It’s so easy for us to focus on what we don’t have. What we think keeps the holiday, or our lives for that matter, from being “perfect.” 

I do want to encourage you to embrace the holy-moments. The times when you see how truly blesses you are. How far you’ve come, the good decisions you are now making, the times when you were in the right moment at the right time. Let gratitude wash over you. Savor it.

The article in O gave me some additional insights. According to Martha we’ve lived with so much drama in our lives, that when times are peaceful, we create drama. We start to dwell on what’s not right, what could happen, what happened years ago. Man, that hit me right between the eyes. Yes, we are drawn to conflict. TV, books, games all depend on conflict to keep our attention.  We’re hounded by it every day.

As Martha suggests, Suppose, we make the decision today to embrace peaceful moments? We stop our brains in their tracks when we find our thoughts jumping onto the drama carousel. How would your life be different if you embraced a tranquil moment and savored it? I mean really got down and wallowed in the deliciousness of its joy? I think I’d find myself less likely to seek out drama and more anxious to live with peace.

That’s my goal is for this holiday season and beyond. What is yours?

Deja vu Nightmare

On PBS, Wayne Dyer told a story written by Portia Nelson, “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk; Autobiography in Five Short  Chapters.” It’s about walking down the street and repeatedly falling into the same hole until she finally decides to walk down a different street. 

I began to think how this parallels what often happens to victims of abuse. I jotted down how it might go. 

You meet a guy who’s kind, romantic and crazy about you. So caught up by his attention and adoration, you agree to marry him, immediately- wouldn't want to miss this opportunity. Once married, he begins to nit-pick, pointing out what’s wrong with you. When you try to call him on his behavior, he claims you are “too sensitive,” crazy and self-absorbed. Soon he’s telling you that you are stupid and worthless and can’t do anything right. He does a number on your self-esteem and teaches you that you cannot trust yourself.  He begins to batter you because you “push his buttons.” You’re stunned that this has happened and struggle to make sense of it, fix yourself so he will love you like before. His mind games and threats trap you in the relationship. It may take years to get out. 

You meet a guy who’s kind, romantic and crazy about you. You feel harried and anxious to be in a relationship and walk away from the past. You’re new partner wants to take care of you. It feels so good after what you’ve been through, you marry him. You start to grow stronger. He reminds you of your previous poor choices and how he knows what's best for you. He begins to point out what is wrong with you. It isn’t long before you see that he’s another abuser. You start blaming yourself. What’s wrong with me? How could I be so stupid to do this again? Maybe I am a horrible person and deserve this treatment. Perhaps, you end this relationship sooner. Maybe you stay longer ashamed to admit you’ve done it again and no one will ever truly love you. But to save your life (and maybe the lives of your children) you finally leave.

You meet a guy who’s kind, romantic and crazy about you. You feel that time is running out for you and you don’t want to be alone. So damaged by the previous relationships, you don’t believe you can take care of yourself. You’re surprised that anyone loves you. You look him over carefully and decide to take a chance-- live with him not marry him. OMG. Not again!!!  Maybe all men are abusers. There are no nice men out there. If you want someone, you’d have to put up with the abuse. It becomes so painful that in spite of the fear of being alone, you’re out quicker this time, feeling worthless and helpless.

You meet a guy who is kind, romantic and interested in you. But you don’t trust your gut anymore. How do you know if he’s truly a great guy or another violent man hiding behind a facade? You blow up the relationship.

You go into treatment with a therapist who is trained in domestic abuse issues. You learn that the abuse was not about you, but about your partner. It was not your fault. You were a victim sucked in by well rehearsed controlling men. You learn that you are a survivor. You take time to rediscover yourself, learn to trust your gut, repair your self-esteem, build a career and change your self-talk. Most important, you learn that you can take care of yourself.

You meet a guy who is kind and romantic and seems interested in you. You don’t feel rushed. As a matter of fact, you like being single, running your own life. So you date him with no preconceived notion that he will be a life partner. He doesn’t try to rush you into a commitment. He respects your boundaries. He talks and listens. He has a passion in life and encourages you in your passion. You meet his friends. He meets yours. You have shared interests and some that are individual. You take plenty time to do the things you enjoy doing on your own. He respects that and pursues his own interests. You like him as a person. He shows respect to others. You talk about marriage. What is his vision for finances, shared responsibilities, children, etc.? If your visions don’t jive, you walk away or if you choose, keep the relationship at its current level. Then you open your heart wide.

Last word: While this scenario is more likely if the victim was raised in an violent home, any of us can fall into it. We end up living with ghosts from past relationships. Therapy can help us learn how to keep those ghosts from destroying our future relationships. Through therapy, we learn how to stand up for ourselves and work through difficulties with our partner, creating a stronger, healthy bond.

Moving Past the Past

One of the biggest struggles after leaving is staying away. We know it takes on average 7 attempts to leave a violent relationship. That’s because of all the emotional hooks and brainwashing we received. 

It’s hard to give up the image of who we believed our partner was. It’ hard to believe that we were sucked in by this -- now know to be a -- monster. We’ve invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship. We have too little self-confidence to believe we can “make it” in the world on our own. We don’t know how to speak for ourselves, support ourselves (and kids,) fight our own battles and create a future. For those of us who were taught that they are stupid, worthless and not capable of making any good decisions, it’s easier to go back than face the huge task of healing and creating a new life.

When we leave, our abuser knows what to say and how to manipulate us to return. He plays the "Mr. Wonderful" card while making it as difficult as possible for us to move forward. With a straight face, he tells us we are not capable of surviving on our own. He’s concerned for our wellbeing. He misses the kids. He’s getting help. He promises it will be different this time. He’s romantic and before we know it we’re in bed together. As long as we stay connected to the past, we are drawn back to stagnate. 

Like me, as a child you may have had a toy or blanket you carried everywhere. I had a stuffed dog that went everywhere with me. I couldn’t sleep without it tucked in bed beside me. If it was lost I’d cry until it was found, desperate and hysterical that my beloved toy was gone forever. Do you know where your beloved toy is? Like mine it may have been tossed away many years ago or tucked in a keepsake box. We don’t need it to make it through a day anymore because we’ve matured beyond that relationship.

In the same way, when we free ourselves from an unhealthy relationship, we begin to mature beyond our need for this destructive partner. It’s a lot of steps forward and some backwards. It’s stretching muscles we didn’t know we had.  Step by step we learn that we can take care of ourselves and children. We can fight our own battles. Along the way, we uncover our gifts and talents that we had to put aside to meet the needs and wants of our controlling partner. We find our passion in life, the thing that fills us with joy. It’s not easy. It’s worn-to-the-bone-sick-of-it-all days and so-help-me-if-have-to-learn-one-more-lesson today, I’ll scream days. But as your life starts to move forward, it’s priceless. Those are the days when you look back and say, “Look how far I’ve come. I don’t need anyone to take care of me.”

Then you can invite someone into your life because you want them there, not because you need them.

Letting Go

Dear Friends,

I don’t know who wrote this. If you do, please let me know. I would like to thank the author. This is perfect for the new year. Let’s agree to let go.  

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

May this coming year bring you more joy and less worries that you expected. 

Why Couldn't He Love Me?

This was the most difficult question that I struggled with after I left my partner. Why couldn’t he love me? What was so awful about me? 

It took a long time for me to understand and accept the answer--He couldn’t love me because he can’t love anyone, not even himself. There was nothing I could do to change that.

Does my remark about him not loving himself raise sympathy in you for your abuser? Can you see through his bravado facade that he really has low self-esteem? Does it make you think--if someone loved him enough, he would change? Yeah, I also thought that. I wanted to be his savior. Standing beside him, healing his wounded heart. Then he would love me forever and ever. Being loved that way was my goal. I believed you had to earn love. By caring for his every need, I thought he would care for mine.

That’s not how it works. Our partners tell us how they were misunderstood, mistreated, and wounded in their lives. Our nurturing hearts kick in, and we are willing to sacrifice ourselves to save them. This is the hook abusers use to draw us into the relationship and cause us to focus on their needs, letting go of our own. It’s a game for them. A way to make us believe we could earn their love. In truth, love is given freely -- no catches, conditions, or jumping through hoops required.

If we ask ourselves, “What’s so awful about us that our partner couldn’t love us?” We're making ourselves the problem (easy to believe because they tell us that everything was our fault.) However, If we are the problem, then we think we have some control. We can fix things. If we fix things, they will love us forever and ever. Once again, we are trying to earn their love. As you and I know, we will never earn our partner’s love. That’s part of the game, holding the carrot out in front of us and moving it every time we think we are within reaching distance.

Our partners’ inability to love us is not about us at all. It’s about them.

 

I always felt that there were pieces of the puzzle missing in my partner: compassion, empathy, genuine concern for others. Altruism didn't exist within him. Being overly compassionate myself, to the point that I was willing to be anyone’s doormat and suffer for another’s happiness to be loved, was unhealthy. It was hard to fathom that others didn’t feel the same way I did. Loving, caring, trusting came so easily to me that I couldn’t imagine that some people don’t reciprocate. They don’t. Really. I wouldn’t kid you about that.

As far as feeling that our partners don’t love themselves, let me say this, they may lack self-love, but they do believe that they are entitled to have a person in their life who takes care of all their needs and wants. Reciprocity is not on their radar screen. It never crosses their mind that we have needs and wants of our own, dreams we’d like to fulfill. Even if they claim to support us in our self-development, they usually find a way to sabotage our efforts. Making it too difficult to pursue our passion. Telling us that we failed because we are stupid.

I was raised with the adage, “You can draw more flies with honey than vinegar.” When you think about it, it’s a no-brainer. Yelling at someone makes them feel bad. It also makes them not like you very much. Abusers don't seem to understand that their constant yelling and inflicting physical abuse on their partners is not going to make anyone happily love and care for them. It will only breed resentment and hatred. Instead, they hold fast to the belief that they do not need to return love and kindness to anyone. They take and do not give.

 We know that when they are cornered and have to say they are sorry and won’t hit, yell, or destroy our things again, they eventually make us pay for having to grovel so we won't leave them. 

Maintaining power to them means they withhold from us that which we desire most. They may give us “things,” but we will never get what we want most of all, their love and devotion. So if they don’t choose to build a relationship based on kindness and genuine love and concern, all they have left is to build one based on power and control. Love never enters the picture. Isn’t that sad? They could have had everything they wanted: a partner who loved and cherished them, willing to go the extra mile for them, and sexually turned on. Instead, they elected to be a dictator. I’ll never understand why some people make that choice.

So, now that we are out of our toxic relationships, let us not concentrate on why they couldn't love us but how grateful we are for those in our lives that do. 

Filling Your Space

I’m reading Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk. She asks how your life might be different if you’d had a circle of wise women to help you see and learn who you are. Women who would nurture and encourage you throughout your life, showing you what being a woman is about. 

What a gift that would be.

This is what I think the wise women would tell us -- whether we believe in God or evolution, we are each an integral part of this universe. We have a designated space carved out by God or, if you choose, an evolutionary link needed in this world. If we didn’t exist, some things on this planet would be different. 

Yes, there is a specific place in this world for you and me, just because we exist.

Reading this book, I realized that I spent a lot of my life curled up in the heel of my space, instead of standing up and filling it. Maybe you, too, have felt powerless, inadequate, and undeserving.

Many of us were raised to be someone else's vision for us. Some of us had families who had no idea how to love and raise a child. Some of us were battered verbally and/or physically and isolated from the ones who would have nurtured and encouraged us. We were humiliated, degraded, and threatened. Taught that we weren’t worth loving. 

If you were like me, you tried to earn your partner’s love by being whoever and whatever your partner wanted you to be. You tried to be the perfect wife, mother, and housekeeper but always fell short in the eyes of your partner. You gave of yourself to the point you lost your true self and felt empty. You went numb.

Things may have come to a point for you like it did for me. You just tried to stay out of the line of fire. You backed down, and curled into a tight ball, hiding in the corner of your space, convinced you had no power to change things and there was no way out. 

How would your life be different if you had been encouraged and affirmed as you became the person you were meant to be? If the wise women had told you that your life’s journey has provided you with knowledge, gifts, and talents that are unique to you. And that, each moment in this life, you are taking in more knowledge that will move you farther along the path you are meant to walk. You’re Acquiring abilities you need to do the next thing in your life’s work. Knowing this, could you then rise up and fill your space with confidence? How would it feel?

Suppose they told you that you could heal that small frightened child within by giving her all the love and nurturing she didn’t receive. You can visualize yourself as a little girl, take her into your arms, and look into her eyes. Tell her, “I’m sorry about what happened in your life. You deserved better than you received. You are a sacred human being and will make a difference in this world. I love you.”

How would your life be different if you let yourself grieve the past, feeling the pain until it dissipates? It will, with time. If you like, you can ask a trusted friend to sit with you during this exercise (not to try to fix you, but to acknowledge the hurt,) hold you, and assure you that you deserve better.  Then you can move on knowing that you are here for a purpose. You deserve good things in your life.

If you have no idea what your life’s purpose is, it doesn’t matter. You will fulfill your purpose if you stand, fill your space, and open your heart to your life’s lessons and opportunities.

How would it feel?

I Don't Make Good Decisions

Continuing the series on beliefs that we have to deal with when we leave an abuser -- 

 “I don’t make good decisions.”

A victim lives with a partner who teaches her that she is incompetent. While he may encourage, even insist, she make decisions, he’s really setting her up so he can destroy her self-esteem. Any choice she makes will be wrong and her partner will berate her for hours, pointing out how stupid she is. She becomes terrified of making even the simplest decision.

After leaving him, she still carries with her the terror of the ramifications of making a wrong choice. Now, faced with the many life-changing decisions (safety for herself and children, TROs, divorce, child custody, children’s emotional well-being, lawyers, judges, living accommodations, and many more) she feels paralyzed. Meanwhile, her partner pressures her to return to him, using mind games. He professes his love and expresses his deep concern for her ability to make it on her own. This is meant to keep her off balance and reinforce her feeling of incompetence.

Whether a victim goes to a shelter or not, she can still use the services of an advocate trained to help women who are faced with major life decisions. (If there is no shelter in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for assistance: 800-799-7233) A shelter advocate lays out the choices and helps a victim think through each. Advocates don’t pressure or make any decisions for the victim, but empowers her as she develops a safety plan, walks through the court system, plans a budget, finds a home and many other needs. As a victim moves through the process she begins to realize she is competent.

Another decision-type issue we deal with is the feeling of not knowing what we want or like. We’d focused only on our partner’s wants and likes for such a very long time, ours fell away. I had to rediscover what I enjoyed doing, eating, seeing. A strange side to this issue was that since I was so used to not doing things I enjoyed, after I left I needed prompting to do things. It took a while for me to be spontaneous and decide to go to a movie or out to lunch. 

After I left, I’d hesitate to buy clothing. I didn’t know what to buy because I’d lived with a strict criteria on what I was allowed to wear. Also, money had been an issue. A few years after my divorce, while shopping with a friend, I was drooling over an outfit. “Buy it,” she said. “It’s really a little more than I want to spend right now.” I told her. She looked me in the eye and said. “If not now, when?” She was right. We deserve things that make us feel happy. So budgeting in a little more for something special, on occasion, is a lovely gift we give ourselves.

My final note about decisions: It’s easy to look at choices in an all-or-nothing manner. Often there is more than one right choice. And even if I we make a “wrong” choice or one that didn’t turn out as we’d hoped, we can change it. It’s not the end of the world. I like Thomas Edison’s reply to the guy who asked Edison about all his failures as he invented the lightbulb -- Edison said, “I haven’t failed. I just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” 

Everything in a controlling relationship is so heavy, we forget that it’s not necessarily a big deal to make a mistake. We need to lighten up on ourselves and keep moving forward.

I Can't Make it on My Own

 One of the biggest false beliefs that held me in my relationship for far too long was: 

On my own, I can’t make it in the outside world.

When we leave the relationship, we are thrown into a world we are not prepared to handle. We’ve lived under our partner’s rules, expectations, and boundaries. Thinking for ourselves or making decisions wasn't allowed. Also, he’s painted the outside world as his co-conspirator. Due to the Stockholm syndrome and brainwashing we believe that no one will listen to us or believe our word over his.   

It’s hard for us to trust that there are people who will listen to and believe us. Many of us had to hit bottom and feel we had no place else to go. Empty and numb we had no choice but to tell our story to someone. Thank God, there are people who are eager to help, www.ndvh.org, www.ncadv.org, our family, shelter personnel, therapists and others.

The affirmation and support we receive from others can help us to not only trust others, but to trust ourselves again. With renewed awareness, we learn to listen and act on our inner authentic voice, instead of the voice in our head that’s driven by fear. As we trust our own wisdom, our self-esteem starts to grow. We don’t beat ourselves up over decisions that don’t turn out the way we’d hoped, but learn from them. We develop tools to determine who fits as a friend and who must go, and walk away from people who are negative or non-supportive. (No more people pleasing or substituting their beliefs for our own.) We make clear statements to the offender, saying we choose to end all contact. If he persists, we consider him a stalker and take legal action (get a protection order, communicate with the police, document contact attempts, save threatening voice mail messages, and letters and if need, prosecute him.) 

If we can’t walk away from the offenders (i.e. they’re family or the father of our children), we take care of ourselves by (obtaining protection orders if needed) limiting our time with them. Often it’s easier to drop off/pick up children through a third party. We set clear rules -- conversations are limited to child related issues only, any disparaging remarks end the conversation, immediately. Soon we can identify the games our ex or others play, allowing us to stand apart and watch without being caught up in it or taking it personally.  What they do or say is not about us, but about who they are.

Many of us left everything behind, grateful to get out with our life and our kids. Rebuilding our life is no small feat. It’s overwhelming. I found that if I concentrated on what I can do today to take one more step forward, I could control the anxiety. Writing in a journal about my pain, anger and frustration helped, too. (Later I could look back and see how far I’d grown.) Joining a support group and therapy was crucial to my recovery. Prayer has always been a part of my life, it strengthened and comforted me.

I hated doing the work, but did it anyway. One step at a time. When I caught myself looking for an easy solution, I’d stop. There is no easy solution. We hadn’t had control over our lives for so long that it feels uncomfortable and frightening to take command. Finding someone to take control and responsibility again can be appealing. The fear and loneliness can also be so overwhelming that we might consider returning to our abusers. To quell these urges, I wrote a list of what I liked about my partner and what I’d change. That was enough to remind me why returning to him was not a good idea. 

It’s also not a good idea to jump into a new relationship before we’ve cleaned up the crime scene on our spirits. Those relationships usually blow up in our faces and only add to our bruised and bloodied souls. Not to mention, wreck havoc on another person’s life, or the lives of our children should they become attached to this person.

It’s hard work, but worth it. One of the most important lessons I learned was that I could take care of myself and my kids. I didn’t need anyone, but I wanted someone to share my life with. When I believed that I could trust myself to deal with whatever came my way (and not crumble up, die and blow away in the wind if it didn’t work out), I was able to risk opening my heart to love. And love came.

The bottom line is that we have to trust ourselves before we can trust others. We’ll talk more about this.

Holidays and Loneliness

Valentine’s day has come and gone. The talk on my Facebook page and in our groups has been about the yearning for ex-partners even though they were abusive. I’m not a therapist but I have been in a violent relationship, I understand. Most women realize that they are actually pining for the relationship they wished they’d had, not the man who abused them.

There’s nothing like a romantic or family holiday to make loneliness swell to overwhelming. And the b**** is, we know that if we return to him, the same old stuff will happen. If anything, we’ve learned about the cycle of abuse. The great honeymoon period, when he’s Mr. Wonderful and makes all kinds of promises designed to hook us back into the relationship. The tension period will always follow. He will begin to act surly and demanding (making us pay for his having to grovel to get us back) until it escalates into verbal or physical battering. We know this cycle will repeat itself, and the severity of the abuse will escalate with every incident. Too often the violence results in death for the victim.

When holidays come, the memories of the good times visit havoc on us. It’s hard to hold firm. That’s why it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abuser. How do you hold on?

I found it helped to have a friend I could call any time of the day or night. She’d meet me for coffee and she’d listen as I talked out my feelings. If I didn’t come around and realize that it was not in my best interest to go back, she’d gently remind me.

I had another revelation that helped me through that time and might help you. Most of us had a toy, blanket, something that we dragged around with us as a child. (Mine was a stuffed dog.) We couldn’t sleep without it tucked under our arms. We carried it most everywhere we went. If it was lost or misplaced we’d get hysterical, afraid that our precious toy was gone forever. 

Where is your toy today? Thrown away or tucked in a keepsake box? The point is that we no longer need it to sleep or keep us company because we’ve matured beyond that level. Let me assure you that the same thing will happen with this relationship. You will transcend this time and move on to a better life. One that fills you with joy. 

Will you have another relationship? That’s very possible. But for now, love and cherish yourself as you heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you. Know that when your anxious inner voice says, “no one else will ever love me.” It’s a lie that was planted by someone who thought that if he got you to believe that, you wouldn’t leave and find the happiness you deserve. 

Smile, you’ve just moved yourself up on the People Who Deserve Happiness List.