The Power of "I AM"

I would like to know why negative beliefs about ourselves replay in our minds and the good, positive thoughts about who we are don’t. Why not, “I am intelligent and capable” instead of “I am so stupid—I always blow it”?

The two words—I Am—are powerful. They are “creating” words, a declaration. What follows those words can build us up or beat us down. It’s our choice.

I loved the book and movie “The Help.” There were a lot of lessons to learn from that story. One that spoke loudly to me came from Aibileen, a maid who cares for Mae Mobley a 4-year-old who is ignored by her uncaring mother. Aibileen repeatedly told the child, “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.”  She has the child repeat those words often, hoping that May Mobley will internalize that truth over the negative messages she was receiving from her mother. In the story, when Aibileen is walking away after being fired, May Mobley runs after her screaming. Aibileen kneels, takes the child into her arms, and has her repeat those words. I wanted to stand up a shout, “Bravo!”

We become what we believe. If the story we tell ourselves is—

 I am:

• stupid,
• weak,
• hopeless,
• uneducated or unskilled, 
• unloveable,
• worthless,
• unable to make good decisions or
• unable to make it on my own,

it becomes our reality. If we believe we can’t do anything right, failure will manifest in our life. When this is our practice, even the least important human error becomes blown out of proportion feeding the belief that we are losers.

Can we be kind to ourselves? Can we love ourselves as we love others? We would never talk to a friend the way we talk to ourselves. Yet, we have accepted negative messages about us from others as our truth.

The seeds for our stories may have been planted by our parents, partners, teachers, the media, and other influential people in our lives. They become ingrained in our psyche and hold us prisoners in our current situations. Any thought of changing things kicks us into what my therapist called “awfulizing.” He described it as spinning a story to the worst possible outcome and making it our expected result. Terrorized by that, we become frozen in place.

The challenge is to catch ourselves awfulizing. Ask what beliefs are feeding these thoughts? Where did they come from? When we determine the source, it is time to ask, “Is it true?” We can write down our ideas or talk with a supportive person. After we answer the question, we again ask, “Is it true?” We keep asking the question until we’ve exhausted all our feelings about the belief or come to an aha moment of clarity. It will take some work to sort through all the negativity. The outcome is worth the time spent.

If we can catch ourselves, we can interrupt the false belief and replace it with a declaration of truth—we are intelligent and capable human beings. Not perfect, not gifted in every area (we don’t need to be), but able to traverse the path that leads us to more fulfilling and happy lives.

 Connecting with support groups can help rebuild confidence and keep us moving in the direction we want to go. They will lovingly call us out when we are drifting backward and remind us of our gifts and abilities. 

It’s been shown that if you stand like Super Woman or Super Man, feet apart, hands on hips, shoulders broad, head held high for a few minutes before an important meeting, interview or challenge, you will go into that activity with confidence. I suggest, while standing there, you declare…

• I am strong,
• I am capable,
• I deserve a great life, and
• I am going to kick butt at this meeting/job interview/presentation/court date. 

(I wouldn’t do it in a busy hallway, unless others are doing the super-person stance, too. Wouldn’t that be a sight to see?)

Let’s make it a goal this year to speak our way into a better life by challenging our old beliefs and speak only I Am statements that build us up.

Emotional Bank Account on Empty

The day came when I felt empty. I had nothing left to give to the relationship. I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. All the dreams and hopes I’d held going into the marriage were dashed on the rocks of reality. I was no longer afraid of leaving because I was already dead inside.

During my healing process, I came across the term Emotion Bank Account (EBA), ‘… a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.” (1)

Kind words, respect, kept promises, thoughtful acts, listening, and being on time are some of the behaviors that make deposits into an EBA. Trust is built between you on the demonstration of your honesty, commitment, and dependability. If your partner makes a statement that could be taken in a hurtful way, you know him or her well enough to understand the real intention of the comment. If your friend is late for an outing with you, you become concerned instead of angry because you know your friend would not deliberately blow you off.

Disparaging and disrespectful comments, interruptions, disregard for the other’s time, physical or emotional attacks, and betraying trust are a few of the behaviors that drain EBAs. Relationships do not thrive on these behaviors, they shrivel up and die. 

When I learned about the Cycle of Abuse, I had an aha moment. The honeymoon stage, where the abuser becomes contrite and loving, reoccurs just often enough to throw a few bones of hope that things will change for the starving victim.(2) I remember how grateful I felt to receive any kindness—grateful enough to stay a little longer. Since the cycle grows shorter and the honeymoon period almost or does fade away, it was no wonder that I became an empty shell. 

Had my EBA been filled, I would have had something to give back, from a reservoir of confidence, self-esteem, safety, and trust. As it was, there was nothing left to give. When he asked why I left him, I told him he had continually hacked off chunks of the love I had for him until it was gone. He had thrown our life away one handful after another. I knew he didn’t understand since he had little regard for my feelings.

As I thought about the EBA concept, I realized that we also have an EBA with ourselves. I began to look at what kind of deposits was I making into mine. Here’s where that inner critic can sabotage our emotional health. Is our self-talk disparaging or encouraging? Do we expect only the worst outcome from any given situation or the best?  Do we read uplifting and encouraging materials and limit those that are disturbing or violent? Do we respect the needs of our bodies for sleep, exercise, and nutrition? I have a notecard on my desk that says: “The most important promises to keep are the ones you make to yourself.” Are we learning to trust and respect ourselves? If we take care of our own EBA we will be less likely to put up with those who attempt to drain them.

We also have EBAs with our children. Nurturing them is paramount in their emotional growth. It’s important to catch them being good and tell them so. Being trustworthy, honest, and kind not only build a solid relationship with our children but also teaches them how to treat others. Opportunities to help those in need also fills their EBAs with good feelings about themselves and build their self-esteem. 

Thinking about this reminds me of a parable of a man who takes a tour of hell. He discovers a long table filled with a bounty of delicious food. All the inhabitants of hell sat around the table. The problem was that each person had long spoons attached to where their hands should have been. They sat in eternity starving because they could not bring the bowl of the spoons up to their mouths to eat.

Next, the man went to tour heaven. To his surprise, he discovered the exact same scene. The people gathered around the table abundant with food and also had spoons attached to where their hands should have been. The difference was these heavenly beings were not trying to feed themselves, they were feeding the persons who sat across from them.

What kind of deposits are we making into other’s emotional bank accounts? What kind of deposits are we making into our own?

1. From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covy (© 1989 by Stephen R. Covey)
2. See the Cycle of Abuse tab at the top of this page.

Yank a Root, Plant a Flower

As a kid, being too short to push a mower, I was assigned the job of weeding. You can imagine how enthusiastic I was about that. I’d slump into the grass in the hot sun stewing and sweating as I ripped at the weeds around the trees and bushes. One day my grandfather’s shadow fell across me. I looked up and he said, “You can’t get rid of weeds by tearing off the tops of them. The root will stay and grow stronger. It will not only bear a new top but also send out shoots to grow more weeds. If  you want to get rid of the weeds, you have to pull them out by the root.” He squatted down and showed me how to loosen up the soil and slip the weeds out roots intact.

There is an important life lesson in that.

Once we leave a violent relationship, we think we have solved the problem. After all, everyone around us is saying, “You’re out now, let it go.” However, it’s not over. Leaving is a necessary and important part of ending the problem. You can’t remove the false beliefs if you are with someone who continually plants and fertilizes them. 

We are left with deep-rooted negative beliefs about ourselves. We have lost our self-respect and trust in our ability to function in the world. Those affect our every decision from thinking that if we give up and let our lives fall into destitution it will in some way punish our abusers, to going into an interview for a job with our inner critics screaming, “You can’t do this job. You are an idiot! You will fail.”

Negative core beliefs nourish themselves with the help of that inner critic. The voice magnifies our every fear and self-abasing feeling into a confirmation that we are stupid, inept, clumsy, foolish, etc., establishing those negative views more firmly in our psyche. From there they bleed bad outcomes into our lives. 

We may rush into new relationships, hoping they will heal our fears and challenges. Trying to fix our lives in that manner usually lands us in other abusive relationships. Our inner critics are all too happy to point out that we are fools. We may not apply for any challenging jobs because we believe that we will fail. Instead, we resign ourselves to low-paying work. Fear and financial difficulties may prevent us from taking classes that would help us secure a better-paying position. We will most assuredly make some mistakes as we pull our lives together. Our critical voices will be happy to remind us that we are inept.

Suppose, we refuse to allow our critics to go on a rampage. We shut them down with an affirmation such as: “I am capable of taking care of myself and children,” “Investing in my future is a good thing so I will go back to school,” or “I am capable of learning new skills.” “I am a human. I am not perfect and do not need to be. This error was a momentary lapse, not a big to-do.” Then we take the steps that will improve our lives.

As we loosen up the ligatures of fear that hold us back we can extract false beliefs. Every brave step forward instills self-respect and self-trust.  Just like it takes time to get all the remnants of the roots out of the garden, it takes time and persistence to remove the negative thinking. By calling out our inner critics and slapping affirmations over their mouths, we can extract the false beliefs and grow declarations of truth in their place, then act on them. We are capable of creating wonderful fulfilling lives for ourselves.

Addressing the root of any problem or challenge is a habit that will prevent us from dealing with the same problem over and over. If we only hack at the branches (do the easiest thing to give temporary relief) we leave the root problem intact allowing it to send out more roots and branches that we will have to confront again. Go for the root the first time and put an end to the problem. Plant some flowers.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Be Still and Know

A fresh, unblemished new year yawns out before us. What will we do with it? I like to set an intention, not make resolutions. Don’t we all hate rules? We set them up and when we cannot follow through with them we beat ourselves up. Let’s be kinder to ourselves this year. 

I’ve been thinking about what my intention will be for this year. Part of it is to increase the amount of joy in my life. Last year was so heavy and turbulent it held many moments of happiness at a low simmer. I’m glad to lay 2016 down and move on. There is still much work to do. I won’t roll over or hide my head in the sand. Supporting causes I believe in is necessary. It is also important to take time to experience things I enjoy and enjoy the things I experience.

Late last fall I attended a woman’s retreat. Early one morning I trudged across the frosted hillside to the labyrinth. After a prayer for guidance, I moved along the narrow pathway thinking about joy and where I was in my life. It’s everything I could hope for. Everything I worked for. The things I didn’t achieve were okay, too. 

As I walked along I began to feel all my ancestors walking with me—the people whose shoulders I stand on. The ones who laid the foundation of possibilities for me struggled in their own lives and came to America penniless—farmers, a builder, and a housekeeper. Also, those who stayed in the “old country," as my grandmother called it. I felt their strength and support as I placed one foot in front of the other. 

That is how we make our life—step by step—all of us going through trials and successes, stumbling backward, pushing forward. Along this journey, what we learn blooms inside of us and cannot be unlearned. Oh, we can squish it down for a while, but the truth will not be silenced. So, we change, growing into the person we are meant to be and building onto the foundation for those who will follow.

With a silent prayer uttered below a sliver of the moon in the azure sky, I left the labyrinth. In the lodge, I stopped at the gift shop. A polished stone caught my attention. Etched into it in tiny letters was “be still.” Its other side finished the verse “and know that I am God” Psalms 46:10. That little stone sits on my desk. My intention for this year will be stillness. My mantra for this year—Be Still and Know. Know that we are not alone. Know that we continue to grow stronger. Know that we can choose faith over fear. Know we have much to be grateful for. 

And gratefulness births Joy.

I wish you all a year filled with Joy.

Forgiving is a Process

As we heal, we often discover that issues we thought we’d “put behind us,” “got a handle on,” or “worked out” come around to look us squarely in our faces and say, “I’m back!”

Probably one of our most difficult struggles is forgiving our abuser. In my Blog on Real-Life Forgiveness (August 25, 2011) I mentioned Robert Enright, Ph.D. (author of Forgiveness is a Choice) who tells us that real forgiveness happens when we let go of the desire to take revenge and no longer wish evil on the one who harmed us. We do this even though we know the offender doesn’t deserve forgiveness. In essence, we stop carrying anger and resentment. 

We often feel an urgent need to forgive. This rush to forgiveness can be due to our faith tenants and fear that God will not forgive us if we can’t forgive others. Let’s face it, the God who loves us knows what’s in our hearts, why we feel the way we do, and our struggle to heal. For some of us, we may never be able to forgive, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make us horrible people, it recognizes the severity of the abuse. Even if we cannot forgive, we can still move forward and have a wonderful life. The healing process we go through is ripe with lessons. They come as we are ready to face them and it takes time to embrace them. This process can’t be, nor should it be, rushed.

Demands to instantly forgive also may come from our former partner or faith community. These demands are unreasonable and heap guilt on us (the victims,) shaming us and feeding our anxiety. We don’t need that. Shaming will never move us to forgive. It will only make us feel worse about ourselves, stalling the process. We need to be surrounded by people who meet us where we are and don’t try to tell us what to do or how to feel.

There are good reasons to hang onto anger and resentment and not rush into forgiving. We need to stay away from our abusers until we build up some emotional strength. Since we’ve lived in a state of denial, minimizing and explaining away our partners’ bad behavior, we may not fully comprehend how dangerous these men can be. Often they become deadly when we leave. This is where anger helps us by blocking forgiveness. Experiencing anger keeps us (and our children) at a safe distance. Anger also drives us to move forward with our lives, pushing us to make important decisions about our future. Giving us the time we need, we come to understand that forgiving doesn’t mean we reconcile with our partners. When ready, we can forgive from a distance. 

The thing about forgiveness is that you cannot reach the point of letting the offenses go until you are truly ready. The hard part: You can’t make yourself ready. The easy part: The evolution of forgiveness can work inside you if you let it. Layers of anger, hurt, frustration and many more emotions must be shed one by one until we come to the last speck of resentment and flick it away. Even after that, residue from the past can occasionally drift through our minds, however, it’s not as unnerving as it once was.  

Before you can start, you must feel ready. You will know in the deepest part of you when it’s time. Can you leave yourself open to the idea and listen to your gut feeling? No more beating yourself up about how or when? If pressed by others, smile and say, “Thank you for your concern. I’ve got this one,” then walk away.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes (author of Women Who Run With the Wolves) talks about forgiveness having many seasons. That it isn’t a 100% or nothing deal. It changes daily. One day we may forgive 40%, and another day feel only 15% forgiving. 

That was my experience. As I moved through the forgiving process, there were times when I felt I’d made astounding progress (that 40%.) Then some action or word opened the floodgate and fury enveloped me (back to zero.) Sometimes I grew anxious to be finished and tried to stuff kind thoughts of the individual in my heart only to have the bottom fall out and anger gush back in. Be aware that the path to forgiveness isn’t straight.

The process shouldn’t happen until we know in the core of our being that: 

• What happened to us was wrong and should not have occurred. 
• It was important (a big deal.) 
• We were neither responsible for nor deserving of, the abuse. 
• We accept the truth - it was as bad as it was. 

Nothing anyone (including us) say or do will change these facts — forgiving will not change what happened.

When we get to that place of acceptance, we can allow ourselves to surrender to the process. Let it unfold as it will. And it will. That’s what is so remarkable about us. We don’t have to be aware of the work going on inside us. As we pull our lives together, moving forward and focusing on our future, the past becomes less important. The labels we carried, related to the pain and humiliation we experienced, fall away. We no longer dwell on the past or feel the need to reiterate our story to elicit comments to confirm that what happened was heinous. In the deepest part of us that spent years trying to understand and rationalize away what occurred, we accept the truth. We stop waiting for a sincere apology or some behavior that makes what can’t be made right, right. We stop wishing that our abusers would suffer. Instead, we focus on our present life and make it a good one. 

I’ve lived through this process. Anger, pain, and resentment peeled away through my acceptance and healing. During a lament to God about how I just wanted the person to suffer comparable pain to what he’d inflicted on the family, I was clearly informed, “How do you know he hasn’t?” I didn’t know. At that moment, I understood that it wasn’t my call to make. Vindictiveness fell away. 

Now, at every wedding, birth, or christening event, where I encounter my former partner, I notice there's been a change in me. The anger and resentment I carried are gone. I’m grateful for that. I'm not interested in reconciliation or rehashing the story. I feel inner peace. It took time.

Surrender to the process. Know it may take many years. If you feel you are stuck, consider seeing a therapist. I found treatment designed for Post Traumatic Stress was also very helpful. Know that your journey is deeply personal and will unfold as it will. The end result could be the ability to forgive or to accept that for you forgiving is not an option. Whatever comes, Be kind to yourself.

[You can download my interview with Dr. Enright by going to www.hazelden.org/bookstore. Search for my book But He’ll Change and click on a copy. Scroll down the page to the .pdf link for Interviews with experts. This is a free download.]

Set Your Wings

My husband and I took Watson, our dog, for a walk in a local park. As we rounded a corner leading to a duck filled pond, my husband said, “Look.” He pointed to a flock of birds flying overhead. “Watch as they set their wings to come in to land on the pond.” As he predicted, they all held their wings steady and gently glided down to the occupied pond. Each one landing among the floating ducks without disrupting any. 

This was an aha moments for me. I’ve been reading a lot about the power of intention lately. Gary Zukav talks about it in his book “The Seat of the Soul.” Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer and others. They have a lot to say about it, starting with knowing we can live with the intention to be kind and loving or angry and frustrated. On to asking for the right partner, job or situation to come into our lives. This is not a new concept. The Bible tells us to ask, seek, knock, and trust that it will be so. The more difficult of those for me is trust.

As I’ve struggled with this belief over the years, I’ve learned that we can also put our intention into hopeless places, hanging on to wishes and dreams that are not in our best interest or are thwarted by other’s intentions. 

Years ago, I thought my intention  to create a happy, loving, mutually fulfilling marriage was reasonable.  It was. However, I included a caveat that it would be with someone who was not a willing participant. I was intent on beating the odds that our marriage would work out. I tried to manifest my vision from a anxious, grasping, hang-on-at-all-costs mind-set. I was so determined to save that marriage that I couldn’t see the damage it was doing to me as well as my children. When I had exhausted all my energy, I faced the truth that I would never have the kind of marriage I’d hoped for with this person. His vision was vastly different from mine. When I surrendered my will to God’s, the marriage ended.

I didn’t lose the intention to live in a happy marriage, I just quit holding on to who I expected would be my partner. My mind-set was now from a place of peace and trust. I set my wings, and rode the breath of God to my current husband. Every day I am grateful for him and cherish every moment we share.

Along the same line, we can set our intention to work in a job that matches and fuels our passion in life, or one that just keeps bread on the table but sucks all the joy out of us. The choice is ours alone. I believe that we come to this earth with a God-given passion inside us. Sometimes we get side-tracked and we feel frustrated and unhappy. We can aim to find a job that fulfills us by keeping our options open to what that job might be. Then pay attention to open doors and whispered directions from our spirit, guiding us to opportunities, paid and unpaid. It takes trust. 

• Trust that each job or activity provides us with a skill we’ll need for that perfect job.

• Trust in our intuition (our gut) as we pick between opportunities.

• Trust that we will arrive at exactly the right place at the right time with the right skills.

The duck landing was a beautiful example for relaxing into a new year. We can set our intention, then quit flapping around. We’ll weather the difficulties and neither let self-doubts take us off course nor do we try to fly faster. We let things unfold in their own time as we slide into our God-given purpose on this earth. All we have to do is stay open and aware. All will be well.

 I’ve set my wings for the New Year. How about you?

Letting Joy Rule

I have a dog, Watson, who believes his soul purpose in life is to keep our yard clear of chipmunks. When I take him out on his leash, he leads me on a specific route, around the foundation at the back of the house, over to the woodpile behind the garage, up the property line along the lilac bushes to the back woodpile. Chipmunks squeak their warnings from the safety of the stacked logs, egging Watson on. Only after every nook and cranny has been sufficiently sniffed will Watson take care of our purpose for going out. 

Sometimes on these walks, I look ahead and see chippers frolicking about the yard.  Watson doesn’t see them, he’s focused on the woodpile, shoving his face in every hole, barking at the perceived chipmunk’s hunkered down inside. 

Today, while sitting on the deck, I watched Watson, on point, head through the guardrail, scrutinizing a chipper pathway below. He quivered with excitement, sure a chipmunk would show up any moment. Gated on the deck, there was no way he’d be able to chase one if it did show up. Out in the yard two chipmunks scurried from trees to flowerbeds and back. Watson didn’t see them. (I have to admit, I didn’t point them out to him. His bark is deafening.) 

Watching him, I realized that I had also been focusing on a problem that I could do nothing about. How blind have I been to all the wonderful blessings around me? It’s so easy to focus on what isn’t right and forget about all that is right in our lives. Gratitude. I’d like to pay more attention to all the things that I am grateful for. Why give my focus to something I can’t do anything about? Why allow sadness to have more weight in my life than joy? If I can let sadness rule, why can’t I let joy rule? 

John Locke, an English philosopher said “What worries you, masters you.” I prefer to let joy master me.

Why Victims Stay or Return to Their Abusers

“Why didn’t you just leave?” is the most asked question when I speak. It’s hard for people who maintain their own power and can do as they please to understand someone who believes - no - knows they no longer have that power. It’s been taken away from them.

I lived in a violent relationship for almost 20 years. I stayed for many of the same reasons that women return to their abusers.

First, because I loved him -- who I thought he was. He didn’t show up for the first date and slap me across the face. If he had, I would have called the police, had him arrested, stood up in court, pointed him out and said, “He did it.”

Instead, he showed up as a charismatic, thoughtful, romantic, kind, and loving man who was interested in me - what I thought and how I felt. He professed to want the same things out of life that I did. He was everything I wanted in a partner. How could I not fall in love with him?

I didn’t understand at the time that his interest in knowing all about me was his way to learn my vulnerabilities so he could later use them against me. And his desire to know how I thought, was only so he could twist my thinking to his will.

I fell in love with his false persona -my first impression of him. Later, I couldn’t help but think that if he could be that way once, he could be that way always. 

Also, I stayed because he’d shared his pain with me, how no one but his mother ever stood up for him. How previous partners betrayed him, weren’t there for him, and misunderstood him. I wanted to be the one who stood steadfastly beside him. I wanted to heal him, save him. Then he’d be so grateful, he’d love me forever and treat me like a queen. That didn’t happen.

Physical abuse started early in our marriage. About the 4th time he slapped me around, he hit me so hard he popped my ear drum. At that stage in our relationship, I was still strong enough to tell him if he continued to hit me, I’d have to leave. He said, “I thought you loved me.” I said, “I do love you. But if you continue to hit me, I will have to leave.” His reply was, “Then you don’t love me.” My people-pleasing heart said to me, “Tell him you love him. Tell him you’ll never leave.” But my gut said, “Shut up! Don’t take it back.” I listened to my gut and set a boundary that day. I didn’t know it at the time because he’d swaggered over any line I’d ever drawn

After that, he quit hitting me but ratcheted up the verbal abuse and did borderline physical abuse, grabbing and shoving me, pinning me against the wall, screaming in my face that I was a stupid worthless women who couldn’t do anything right. The Stockholm Syndrome set in. Like kidnapped victims, over time I began to side with my captor and believe what he said about me. He destroyed my self-esteem.

Yet, I stayed because he set himself up as all powerful. I believed he could fool the legal system. He threatened that if I tried to leave he’d get custody of the kids and I’d never see them again. He had shady friends who he told me would lie for him in court and say I was an unfit mother. 

Finally I stayed because he had a .357 magnum. He never threatened me with it, he didn’t have to. I knew it was there, loaded in his top drawer.

Toward the end of our marriage, he slammed me into the wall and pinned me with his arm across my throat, pressing in until I saw spots in front my eyes. He said, “You gonna leave me now.” That’s when I realized that he wasn’t hitting me because he didn’t want me to leave. So, now, if I say I wanted a divorce, what was going to keep him from beating me or getting out the gun and using it? I didn’t know. 

Fear holds us or draw us back into the relationship. Victims have bad and worse choices. She leaves, he kills her (and possibly the children.) She stays, he brutalizes her and kills her.

We are a hopeful bunch. But, maybe it’s because we know he, and only he, holds the power to change the situation. So all we have is hope that he will change.

We go back because:

• We think we can handle the situation. We can fix things. We can tough it out. 
• Our partner promises to change- Go into treatment/stop the drugs or other risky behavior. 
• Our partner swears that he loves us and can’t live without us - he’ll kill himself if we don’t come back. 
• He puts on that wonderful persona telling us- 
• We have history, are you going to throw that all away? 
• The kids need me. I’ll die if you take them away from me.
• I thought you loved me.
• We believe that this time our partner means it.

A professor, Amy Bonomi, from Ohio tracked 17 jailed abusers’ phone calls to victims and learned that the batterers were not threatening the women as expected. Instead, after the initial arguments over the phone, the batterers began using sophisticated emotional appeals designed to minimize their actions and gain the sympathy of the victims. The abusers managed to seal the couple’s bond of love, uniting them, then position them against “the others” who don’t understand their love. Making the legal system the enemy. From there, batterers manipulated the victim into dropping the charges or lying in court. (See: Social Science & Medicine online.)

“Practical” reasons victims stay:

• May not identify herself as a victim of abuse.
• Embarrassed to have anyone know.
• Family pressures her to return.
• Doesn’t know what resources are out there to help, she’s been isolated. 
• Doesn’t want to ruin his career. If her partner loses his job, she and children lose their support. What good is it to put them in jail?
• Doesn’t have access to any money. Partner controlled it. She doesn’t know how to handle money. How will she and her children survive in the world?
• Can’t afford an attorney or may be assigned an attorney that doesn’t understand DV (very frustrating to work with a victim if you don’t understand the victim’s perception of the relationship.)
• Could be evicted from her apartment if the domestic violence goes public, or there is no place she can afford to live. Apartment owners don’t want people with a history of DV.
• For the children. Children will lose opportunities, activities, friends, change schools. 
• Has a child with special needs and if she leaves the medical coverage ends.
• Cannot afford child care. Her partner may be the one who cares for the children while she works.
• Afraid to leave pets behind. 
• May be a addicted to drugs and her partner is her dealer.
• Fears the unknown.

When a survivor leaves, she is expected to make life changing decisions. As a person who  has never been allowed to make a decision, or if she did she was severely punished and told it was a wrong decision, it’s overwhelming and terrifying. 

Survivors have to deal with:

• SAFETY, for kids and self.
• Negotiating the legal system they can’t afford, don’t understand and were taught not to trust -

• Terrified to testify in court in front of her abuser. If she breaks the Don’t Tell edict, he will kill her.
• She’s going into court a terrified, hysterical, emotional wreak. He’s going to walk into court, cool, calm, and lie about who she is and what she’s done. He’ll seem very credible. 
• Being murdered
• She KNOWS -There is no place that she can hide that her abuser won’t find her. Every time the media reports a domestic violence related murder, calls to women’s shelters go down because an abuser tells his victim, “See, that’s what will happen to you.” Reinforcing his power position.
• Fear for her children’s safety while visiting with abuser. Children have been murdered to punish the victim.
• Stalking - relentlessly stalked. 
• Everywhere the victims goes, the abuser shows up, follows them or leaves an indication that he’s invaded her personal space.
• Incessant phone calls all day and night. If she has a no contact order against her abuser, the abuser gets his friends or family members to call, or calls her anyway. The victim knows if she turns off her phone or doesn’t answer, he’ll come over and pound on her door or break it down and attack her -- restraining order or no restraining order.
• Abuser disrupts her work. He shows up or calls the victim at work, causing her to lose her job. Then interferes with her finding another job. He shows up at her interview or calls the company telling lies about her.
• Continually drags victims to court over petty issues in order to drain victim’s finances, energy, and time off work.
• Partner threatens to release embarrassing information about the victim. “Out” him/her if they’re same-sex partners. Threaten to report her if she is an undocumented person.
• Abusers may go away then return after many years to stalk the victim and re-assault or murder her. 

In addition survivors are struggling with:

• Divorce proceedings and requirements- more time off from work
• Family court/child custody/visitation- He could get custody. Abusive men are more likely to fight for full custody and are as apt to get it as non-abusive dads.
• Child protection investigation- she could lose the kids.
• Kids emotional and physical needs. 
• Her own grief and pain.

No surprise, victims give up and return. They want to stop the relentless hounding. They feel hopeless and helpless.

Letting Go

Dear Friends,

I don’t know who wrote this. If you do, please let me know. I would like to thank the author. This is perfect for the new year. Let’s agree to let go.  

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

May this coming year bring you more joy and less worries that you expected. 

Hope/Hopelessness

In this season of hope, I think of how victims of DV live with both hopefulness and hopelessness. No one is more hopeful than a victim of abuse. It’s one of the main reasons victims stay, believing that their partner will change at any moment and everything will be okay. We have to think that way because our perception is that there is no way out of the relationship. Since he controls the relationship, we know that only he has the power to change things. 

It’s interesting that both hope and hopelessness can co-exist within us. In that twilight zone juncture, pondering “do I stay or do I leave,” these two emotions become all consuming. If we leave, hope keeps us questioning and doubting our decision. Having been taught not to trust our own judgement feeds into that dilemma. “But he can be so wonderful.” “If I hadn’t [insert partner’s favorite reason why you ruined things] everything would be okay.” Though we understand that our partner will always find fault with us, we continue to hope that we can be better, good enough. And, we hope that we can find the magic solution to heal/fix/cure our partner. When we face the fact that we cannot change anyone but ourselves, hopelessness overwhelms us.

Our partners promise to change. They cry, plead, and beg us to stay or return. If that doesn’t work, they pour on the guilt. They needs us, we’re taking their children from them, causing them to lose their job, ruining their reputations. (Notice nothing’s said about how they’ve destroyed our lives.) If that doesn’t work, it’s on to threats. They’ll kill themselves, us, the children, our families. All the time ramping up the pressure on us to stay or return. Worn and exhausted hopelessness sets in.

Some partners say that they hate what they are doing to us. That indicates that they know what they are doing is wrong and should not be repeated. Anyone who knows what they are doing can stop doing it -- if they really want to.

We beg God to change our partner. Since God has given mankind choice, God does not change anyone without his or her consent and cooperation, he or she has to do the work. That means an abuser has to take steps to stop the behavior. The first step -- go into batterer’s treatment. Second step -- do the work and complete the program. Third step -- do whatever is needed to stay on the right track. Any effort less than that means there will be no change.

Another thing we struggle with in this twilight zone, is that all the effort we’ve put into the relationship will be lost if we leave. “Wonder if he does change?” “Someone else will reap the benefits of my work and I’ll have to start over with someone else.” If he hasn’t gone into treatment serious about changing, he’s not going to change. His behavior isn’t about who we are, it’s about who they are. The victims are interchangeable. 

This is the season of hope. I know it can be hard to face the holidays when you're alone, recovering from abuse. Everything around you can remind you of lost dreams and hopes. Everything seems to reek of love and family closeness, sending you into a tailspin of hopelessness and depression. Suddenly you’re remembering the good times and discounting the bad ones. This is when you need to hold strong. If you haven’t made a list of what you love about him and what you’d change, now’s the time. Write down the truth of how you’ve been treated. If you stay or return all those bad behaviors will continue.

To get to a better life you will have to be uncomfortable for a time, just for a time. Let me assure you that you can have hope -- hope that your future will hold a better life for you and your children. The path is not easy, but hang in there. This Christmas celebrate how far you’ve come. Do your best to focus on the blessings in your life. Try to concentrate only on today and trust that the future will take care of itself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, meet the challenges of each day and you will walk out of the darkness. All of us who have been there are standing with you, holding you in prayer. 

May the grace of this season touch your heart and peace surround you with it’s comforting and joyous glow. 

Why Couldn't He Love Me?

This was the most difficult question that I struggled with after I left my partner. Why couldn’t he love me? What was so awful about me? 

It took a long time for me to understand and accept the answer--He couldn’t love me because he can’t love anyone, not even himself. There was nothing I could do to change that.

Does my remark about him not loving himself raise sympathy in you for your abuser? Can you see through his bravado facade that he really has low self-esteem? Does it make you think--if someone loved him enough, he would change? Yeah, I also thought that. I wanted to be his savior. Standing beside him, healing his wounded heart. Then he would love me forever and ever. Being loved that way was my goal. I believed you had to earn love. By caring for his every need, I thought he would care for mine.

That’s not how it works. Our partners tell us how they were misunderstood, mistreated, and wounded in their lives. Our nurturing hearts kick in, and we are willing to sacrifice ourselves to save them. This is the hook abusers use to draw us into the relationship and cause us to focus on their needs, letting go of our own. It’s a game for them. A way to make us believe we could earn their love. In truth, love is given freely -- no catches, conditions, or jumping through hoops required.

If we ask ourselves, “What’s so awful about us that our partner couldn’t love us?” We're making ourselves the problem (easy to believe because they tell us that everything was our fault.) However, If we are the problem, then we think we have some control. We can fix things. If we fix things, they will love us forever and ever. Once again, we are trying to earn their love. As you and I know, we will never earn our partner’s love. That’s part of the game, holding the carrot out in front of us and moving it every time we think we are within reaching distance.

Our partners’ inability to love us is not about us at all. It’s about them.

 

I always felt that there were pieces of the puzzle missing in my partner: compassion, empathy, genuine concern for others. Altruism didn't exist within him. Being overly compassionate myself, to the point that I was willing to be anyone’s doormat and suffer for another’s happiness to be loved, was unhealthy. It was hard to fathom that others didn’t feel the same way I did. Loving, caring, trusting came so easily to me that I couldn’t imagine that some people don’t reciprocate. They don’t. Really. I wouldn’t kid you about that.

As far as feeling that our partners don’t love themselves, let me say this, they may lack self-love, but they do believe that they are entitled to have a person in their life who takes care of all their needs and wants. Reciprocity is not on their radar screen. It never crosses their mind that we have needs and wants of our own, dreams we’d like to fulfill. Even if they claim to support us in our self-development, they usually find a way to sabotage our efforts. Making it too difficult to pursue our passion. Telling us that we failed because we are stupid.

I was raised with the adage, “You can draw more flies with honey than vinegar.” When you think about it, it’s a no-brainer. Yelling at someone makes them feel bad. It also makes them not like you very much. Abusers don't seem to understand that their constant yelling and inflicting physical abuse on their partners is not going to make anyone happily love and care for them. It will only breed resentment and hatred. Instead, they hold fast to the belief that they do not need to return love and kindness to anyone. They take and do not give.

 We know that when they are cornered and have to say they are sorry and won’t hit, yell, or destroy our things again, they eventually make us pay for having to grovel so we won't leave them. 

Maintaining power to them means they withhold from us that which we desire most. They may give us “things,” but we will never get what we want most of all, their love and devotion. So if they don’t choose to build a relationship based on kindness and genuine love and concern, all they have left is to build one based on power and control. Love never enters the picture. Isn’t that sad? They could have had everything they wanted: a partner who loved and cherished them, willing to go the extra mile for them, and sexually turned on. Instead, they elected to be a dictator. I’ll never understand why some people make that choice.

So, now that we are out of our toxic relationships, let us not concentrate on why they couldn't love us but how grateful we are for those in our lives that do.