Yank a Root, Plant a Flower

As a kid, being too short to push a mower, I was assigned the job of weeding. You can imagine how enthusiastic I was about that. I’d slump into the grass in the hot sun stewing and sweating as I ripped at the weeds around the trees and bushes. One day my grandfather’s shadow fell across me. I looked up and he said, “You can’t get rid of weeds by tearing off the tops of them. The root will stay and grow stronger. It will not only bear a new top but also send out shoots to grow more weeds. If  you want to get rid of the weeds, you have to pull them out by the root.” He squatted down and showed me how to loosen up the soil and slip the weeds out roots intact.

There is an important life lesson in that.

Once we leave a violent relationship, we think we have solved the problem. After all, everyone around us is saying, “You’re out now, let it go.” However, it’s not over. Leaving is a necessary and important part of ending the problem. You can’t remove the false beliefs if you are with someone who continually plants and fertilizes them. 

We are left with deep-rooted negative beliefs about ourselves. We have lost our self-respect and trust in our ability to function in the world. Those affect our every decision from thinking that if we give up and let our lives fall into destitution it will in some way punish our abusers, to going into an interview for a job with our inner critics screaming, “You can’t do this job. You are an idiot! You will fail.”

Negative core beliefs nourish themselves with the help of that inner critic. The voice magnifies our every fear and self-abasing feeling into a confirmation that we are stupid, inept, clumsy, foolish, etc., establishing those negative views more firmly in our psyche. From there they bleed bad outcomes into our lives. 

We may rush into new relationships, hoping they will heal our fears and challenges. Trying to fix our lives in that manner usually lands us in other abusive relationships. Our inner critics are all too happy to point out that we are fools. We may not apply for any challenging jobs because we believe that we will fail. Instead, we resign ourselves to low-paying work. Fear and financial difficulties may prevent us from taking classes that would help us secure a better-paying position. We will most assuredly make some mistakes as we pull our lives together. Our critical voices will be happy to remind us that we are inept.

Suppose, we refuse to allow our critics to go on a rampage. We shut them down with an affirmation such as: “I am capable of taking care of myself and children,” “Investing in my future is a good thing so I will go back to school,” or “I am capable of learning new skills.” “I am a human. I am not perfect and do not need to be. This error was a momentary lapse, not a big to-do.” Then we take the steps that will improve our lives.

As we loosen up the ligatures of fear that hold us back we can extract false beliefs. Every brave step forward instills self-respect and self-trust.  Just like it takes time to get all the remnants of the roots out of the garden, it takes time and persistence to remove the negative thinking. By calling out our inner critics and slapping affirmations over their mouths, we can extract the false beliefs and grow declarations of truth in their place, then act on them. We are capable of creating wonderful fulfilling lives for ourselves.

Addressing the root of any problem or challenge is a habit that will prevent us from dealing with the same problem over and over. If we only hack at the branches (do the easiest thing to give temporary relief) we leave the root problem intact allowing it to send out more roots and branches that we will have to confront again. Go for the root the first time and put an end to the problem. Plant some flowers.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Embracing a Life of Calm and Wellbeing

The hard part of healing is that we have to change the old patterns that feel normal to patterns that don’t. To move forward, we have to live in a new way, embracing new beliefs and behaviors. This is not easy to do. We have internalized trauma memory (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD).

Athletes, musicians, and artists depend on muscle memory. Figure skaters practice for hours to perfect a jump. They come to the point where they quit making it happen and let their body do what it has been trained to do. When a female skater goes through puberty, her physical changes require her to re-teach her muscles and how to jump or spin. This means a lot more practice to replace the former muscle memories with new ones.

It’s a much bigger job to put internalized trauma to rest and replace it with feelings of well-being. Some of us never lived in a relationship that was nurturing and gave us a sense of safety, self-value, and self-respect. We repeatedly pick partners who abuse because the chaotic atmosphere feels “normal”. The change we must make isn’t a minor adjustment, we are replacing a way of life with a whole new set of beliefs and behaviors. 

While we lived with abuse, we became hyper-vigilant. Our bodies responded to our partners’ every tightened muscle, piercing look, and change in demeanor with the fight or flight response. Cortisol, the stress hormone, surges in our bodies. Over the years, the trauma has lodged in our esophagus, squeezed our hearts, and filled our heads with fear-sodden thoughts. So it’s not surprising that when we see or feel something that even slightly resembles one of those danger indicators, our bodies and minds automatically catapult us into our terror response. 

It will take time—a lot of time—and courage to change things. We need to be kind to ourselves when we fall back into those old behaviors or find the disparaging self-talk has taken over our brains again. I assure you, this will happen with less frequency as time goes on and we relax into a sense of calm and well-being.

We’ve spent a lot of years hiding our vulnerability, knowing that it would be exploited if uncovered. To have a truly intimate relationship, we have to be willing to face this fear and share our feelings. This requires speaking openly and asking our partners for clarification of their actions or comments that felt hurtful to us. When we share how it impacted us, we help our partners understand what we are dealing with and that we are doing our best to not react in the old ways. They need to know that our healing requires their help and patience.  

Our partners’ reactions can be a real litmus test of their character. Do they respect that we are taking the lead in our own recovery and their job is to run alongside us, cheer us on and follow our lead? Do they use our vulnerability against us? Do they try to take control and “fix” us? We understand that this process can be frustrating for them. But, if their reaction is, “Just get over it,” we have all the data we need to know about our partners’ intentions.

Most important, we have to trust ourselves. Be strong enough to walk away if we realize that this partner isn’t empathetic, doesn’t see us as an equal, and isn’t willing to work with us to build a solid relationship that meets both of our needs. We were brave enough to leave our violent partners, now we need to be brave enough to speak up and create the life we’ve always wanted.