Forgiving is a Process

As we heal, we often discover that issues we thought we’d “put behind us,” “got a handle on,” or “worked out” come around to look us squarely in our faces and say, “I’m back!”

Probably one of our most difficult struggles is forgiving our abuser. In my Blog on Real-Life Forgiveness (August 25, 2011) I mentioned Robert Enright, Ph.D. (author of Forgiveness is a Choice) who tells us that real forgiveness happens when we let go of the desire to take revenge and no longer wish evil on the one who harmed us. We do this even though we know the offender doesn’t deserve forgiveness. In essence, we stop carrying anger and resentment. 

We often feel an urgent need to forgive. This rush to forgiveness can be due to our faith tenants and fear that God will not forgive us if we can’t forgive others. Let’s face it, the God who loves us knows what’s in our hearts, why we feel the way we do, and our struggle to heal. For some of us, we may never be able to forgive, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make us horrible people, it recognizes the severity of the abuse. Even if we cannot forgive, we can still move forward and have a wonderful life. The healing process we go through is ripe with lessons. They come as we are ready to face them and it takes time to embrace them. This process can’t be, nor should it be, rushed.

Demands to instantly forgive also may come from our former partner or faith community. These demands are unreasonable and heap guilt on us (the victims,) shaming us and feeding our anxiety. We don’t need that. Shaming will never move us to forgive. It will only make us feel worse about ourselves, stalling the process. We need to be surrounded by people who meet us where we are and don’t try to tell us what to do or how to feel.

There are good reasons to hang onto anger and resentment and not rush into forgiving. We need to stay away from our abusers until we build up some emotional strength. Since we’ve lived in a state of denial, minimizing and explaining away our partners’ bad behavior, we may not fully comprehend how dangerous these men can be. Often they become deadly when we leave. This is where anger helps us by blocking forgiveness. Experiencing anger keeps us (and our children) at a safe distance. Anger also drives us to move forward with our lives, pushing us to make important decisions about our future. Giving us the time we need, we come to understand that forgiving doesn’t mean we reconcile with our partners. When ready, we can forgive from a distance. 

The thing about forgiveness is that you cannot reach the point of letting the offenses go until you are truly ready. The hard part: You can’t make yourself ready. The easy part: The evolution of forgiveness can work inside you if you let it. Layers of anger, hurt, frustration and many more emotions must be shed one by one until we come to the last speck of resentment and flick it away. Even after that, residue from the past can occasionally drift through our minds, however, it’s not as unnerving as it once was.  

Before you can start, you must feel ready. You will know in the deepest part of you when it’s time. Can you leave yourself open to the idea and listen to your gut feeling? No more beating yourself up about how or when? If pressed by others, smile and say, “Thank you for your concern. I’ve got this one,” then walk away.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes (author of Women Who Run With the Wolves) talks about forgiveness having many seasons. That it isn’t a 100% or nothing deal. It changes daily. One day we may forgive 40%, and another day feel only 15% forgiving. 

That was my experience. As I moved through the forgiving process, there were times when I felt I’d made astounding progress (that 40%.) Then some action or word opened the floodgate and fury enveloped me (back to zero.) Sometimes I grew anxious to be finished and tried to stuff kind thoughts of the individual in my heart only to have the bottom fall out and anger gush back in. Be aware that the path to forgiveness isn’t straight.

The process shouldn’t happen until we know in the core of our being that: 

• What happened to us was wrong and should not have occurred. 
• It was important (a big deal.) 
• We were neither responsible for nor deserving of, the abuse. 
• We accept the truth - it was as bad as it was. 

Nothing anyone (including us) say or do will change these facts — forgiving will not change what happened.

When we get to that place of acceptance, we can allow ourselves to surrender to the process. Let it unfold as it will. And it will. That’s what is so remarkable about us. We don’t have to be aware of the work going on inside us. As we pull our lives together, moving forward and focusing on our future, the past becomes less important. The labels we carried, related to the pain and humiliation we experienced, fall away. We no longer dwell on the past or feel the need to reiterate our story to elicit comments to confirm that what happened was heinous. In the deepest part of us that spent years trying to understand and rationalize away what occurred, we accept the truth. We stop waiting for a sincere apology or some behavior that makes what can’t be made right, right. We stop wishing that our abusers would suffer. Instead, we focus on our present life and make it a good one. 

I’ve lived through this process. Anger, pain, and resentment peeled away through my acceptance and healing. During a lament to God about how I just wanted the person to suffer comparable pain to what he’d inflicted on the family, I was clearly informed, “How do you know he hasn’t?” I didn’t know. At that moment, I understood that it wasn’t my call to make. Vindictiveness fell away. 

Now, at every wedding, birth, or christening event, where I encounter my former partner, I notice there's been a change in me. The anger and resentment I carried are gone. I’m grateful for that. I'm not interested in reconciliation or rehashing the story. I feel inner peace. It took time.

Surrender to the process. Know it may take many years. If you feel you are stuck, consider seeing a therapist. I found treatment designed for Post Traumatic Stress was also very helpful. Know that your journey is deeply personal and will unfold as it will. The end result could be the ability to forgive or to accept that for you forgiving is not an option. Whatever comes, Be kind to yourself.

[You can download my interview with Dr. Enright by going to www.hazelden.org/bookstore. Search for my book But He’ll Change and click on a copy. Scroll down the page to the .pdf link for Interviews with experts. This is a free download.]

Real-life Forgiveness

I don’t know who first came up with linking forgive and forget together, but whoever it was, was wrong. We don’t forget. It’s impossible to forget. We have brains that store millions of bits of information every day.  Trauma makes a deep, lasting impression in our memories and physical bodies. We know that people who were traumatized as small children, can recall the minute details of that trauma later in life. We are only just beginning to recognize and address the effects of trauma on our soldiers. No. We don’t forget. If we could forget, it would mean we would lose an important lesson meant to protect us in future encounters. We remember for an reason. 

So, let’s throw out the guilt about not “forgetting” what was done to us and look at real-life forgiveness. 

In his book, Forgiveness is a Choice, Robert Enright, PhD, says forgiveness happens when you let go of the desire to take revenge and no longer wish evil on the one who harmed you. That frees you from carrying the anger and resentment that colors your life. You don’t even have to tell the one who harmed you that you forgive them. (Let’s face it, in many cases they wouldn’t care or it’s better if you stay away from that person and not give any indication that they can worm their way back into your life.)

I heard Dr. Enright speak on the subject a year or so after my divorce, when I was wallowing in guilt over not forgiving my ex. Enright said something that struck me-  forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. I could forgive and not put myself back into the situation! I always thought that if you forgave, you had to return to the relationship and pretend the offense never happened (that forget piece.) Returning meant I opened myself up to the possibility that it could happen again (those of us who experienced abuse know it does.) Having lived the cycle of abuse, it was good to hear that forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation.  Also, he went on to say that it doesn’t condone, excuse, or minimize bad behavior. It does, however, state that what the offender did was wrong and that it should not be repeated. (Wow! I wanted to stand up and cheer.) Furthermore, we can forgive and still seek justice through the legal system, requiring an offender to face the consequences of his (or her) actions. (Yea, Dr. Enright!)

Forgiveness is a gift of grace, meaning that the offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, but never-the-less, it’s offered. 

In his book, Enright makes it clear that the process of forgiving can take some time. The depth of the hurt and the length of the time over which we were injured determines how long it will be. Those offended get to decide when the time is right and need not feel guilty. Saying we forgive before we are ready would be a lie. We would end up harboring resentment. That’s not true forgiveness.

By processing at our own speed, we are not holding the infraction over the offender’s head or throwing it up at him (or her.) Many of us heard from our partners, “You have to forgive me.” Offenders try to make us feel guilty because we are hurt and angry at their behavior and not ready to forgive.  They may try to pound us over the head with Bible verses about forgiving, insisting that we forgive instantly or we aren’t Christians. They shout, “It’s over. I said I was sorry. Get over it.” This is how those who have wronged us try to turn the tables to make us feel guilty and them the victims.  Someone who’s truly sorry will give you the space and time to work through the pain. He or she will also take steps to atone for the bad behavior.

In Women Who Run With the Wolves, Carissa Pinkola Estes talks about forgiveness not coming in one sitting, but in percentages. Usually, we think forgiveness is a 100 percent or nothing deal. Pinkola Estes says it has layers. You may only be 55 percent forgiving and working on the remainder. If you are at 10 percent, you may not be ready to forgive, but open to considering it. The point is, if you are willing to move toward forgiveness you are taking steps in the right direction. Cut yourself some slack. Trust that the process will move at it own pace. 

“You are not bad if you do not forgive easily. You are not a saint if you do. Each to her own, and all in due time.” Pinkola Estes

“Forgiveness is free; trust must be earned.” Robert D. Enright, PhD

You can download my interview with Dr. Enright by going to www.hazelden.org/bookstore. Search for my book But He’ll Change and click on a copy. Scroll down the page to the .pdf link for Interviews with experts. This is a free download.