A Healing Space

After struggling to free ourselves from the chaos of domestic abuse—battered in so many ways and worn threadbare—we limp away exhausted and convinced that we never, ever want another relationship. There is no way we will go through all the pain again. 

Consider this feeling a gift. I hear your collective, “What?” Stay with me. When you are determined to never again find yourself with an abuser, a space for healing opens. Our aversion to relationships blocks us from returning to the former nightmare and keeps us from rushing blindly into a new one. 

While we want to speed further down our life road, leaving the hurt behind, healing has its own timeline that is unique to each of us. The only way to recover is to walk through the pain, feel it, cry it out, and let it shake us like a dog with a rag-doll until eventually, it subsides. The tears will stop. Our hearts will mend. A space has opened, and An opportunity arises. If we do the work, we are no longer condemned to stay caught up in the pattern of violence. 

Afraid to be alone and feeling desperate, weak, and helpless (something that has been hammered into a victim by her former partner) a victim may search for someone to come into her life and do a quick fix. (*) With a snap of his fingers, the perfect family life will appear. The problem is, most often the one eager to take control of the situation is another abuser. He’s searching for someone who is vulnerable. He shows himself as a savior, wanting to help, loving her kids, and promising the moon and stars. Yet, it’s all a facade. When a victim looks for a quick fix, she often finds herself trapped in another violent relationship.

Sometimes a victim who is afraid she may give her heart away to another abuser closes herself off from any possibility of moving forward. She may fear that if she lets go of what happened to her, she will be hurt again. So traumatized, she tells her story over and over to anyone who will listen. Years of her life can pass as she constantly relives every painful past moment. She’s stuck in her fear.

Both of these reactions are exhausting. It doesn’t have to be that way. There is freedom from the past. Many victims do go on to rebuild their lives and have healthy and happy relationships, some with intimate partners and some without.

The key is to take the time needed to do the work required to recover. I always recommend seeing a therapist trained to provide victims of domestic abuse with the needed tools to move them along the path to recovery. Talking to friends is helpful, but the right therapist can help a survivor feel some relief within a few visits. If the survivor doesn’t feel any relief after three or so visits, she should find a new therapist. (There are therapists who charge on a sliding scale through social agencies.) As an addition or an alternative, a support group through the local shelter or social agency is another economical opportunity for survivors.

Most importantly, do the work. There is no way around it, no magic fix. You have to roll up your sleeves and get down in the muck. Read self-help books, write in a journal, get involved in activities you used to enjoy, and find new ones. Practice trusting your gut. Get reacquainted with the strong marvelous person you are. Catch the negative voice in your head and counter it with positive affirmations. (I wrote affirmations on the back of business cards and carried them in my pocket as a reminder that things were going in the right direction. I also memorized uplifting hymns, and replayed them in my head when I felt overwhelmed and afraid.) Develop a mission statement stating who you want to be. Read it every day and make all your decisions based on achieving that mission.

It isn't an easy journey, but in the end, it’s worth it. You are worth it. If you persist and do the work, you only have to do this once to move on to a better and more joyful life. When you become whole, you will love and respect yourself and know that you can take care of yourself, you no longer need anyone. Then you are ready to choose to be with a partner who is whole, healthy, and respects you. (Again time is your ally to determine who is right for you.) Wholeness is a much better place from which to make a life decision than desperation, where you feel you need to have someone and settle for anyone.

Join me on Facebook to connect with some magnificent survivors and brave women who are doing or have done the work.

( * In this post I use “he” when referring to an abuser and “she” for a victim, since that was my experience. Recognizing that the components of abuse are alike for either gender, I invite anyone reading this post to substitute the proper pronouns.)

Numbing Out - Once a Gift, Now a Burden

Numbness is well known to those of us who spent years rubbing shoulders with vulnerability and fear due to a violent partner. These two terrifying feelings grip us when control over our own life is snatched away by a power seeker. Distressed and helpless, many of us sought to avoid our unease with busyness (work, volunteering, over-commitment), junk foods, alcohol, sex, or drugs, in an effort to assure ourselves that what happened doesn’t really matter and to let it go. We’d flip the feelings switch to off and slide into grayness.

In the beginning, these periods would often last for a couple days as we walked through the motions of our lives, pretending things were normal. But we weren’t there. We were hiding in the heel of our existence, waiting for the warmth of feelings and color to slowly bleed back into our perceptions. As time went on, the periods between the violent incidents shortened, and the abuse escalated to the point where the warmth and color never returned. We stayed an empty shell, wearing our smile mask, doing and saying the things we were supposed to, unable to feel anything -- especially happiness.  

We left our partners and swore that we’d never let anything make us feel empty and cold again. Free, we celebrated and marveled at the sound of giggling children, the blue of the sky, the deep greens of the forest, and the scent of spring coming. Yes, we would leave the grayness behind. But, starting a new life was difficult and painful. Stress weighed heavy and our old friend numbness, lurking about our elbow, seemed the only manner of relief. Our response? Grab the alcohol to take the edge off, eat our way through bags of cookies, or the most dangerous thing - a new partner - anyone - just someone to carry part of the load for a while to give us a moment to breathe. 

Even when we come to the point where our lives putter comfortably along or take a spectacular turn for the best, out of habit, we slide into the depths of grayness when triggers or ripples of unease appear. When a friend doesn’t immediately return our phone call, we worry that they are angry with us and rush to our feeling-avoidance activities for relief. We don’t want to feel uncomfortable feelings: sadness, grief, loneliness, anger. “My life is great now, I should be happy,” we say, “Haven’t I suffered enough?” 

Yes, we have suffered enough. Yet, we are left with this distorted response to anxiety. When our experience has been that even the smallest annoyance ballooned into horror, how do we live with any level of unease? How do we evaluate what is minor when what we’ve lived with is the off-the-chart fury? As a result, everything feels major. 

We know that life brings both happiness and sorrow. How do we buddy up to discomfort without allowing it to overtake us? How do we learn to live with some unease alongside the ease, and even see it as necessary to add depth to happiness? 

Can we catch ourselves before we do that backslide? Instead, look at our desire for (the numbing habit of our choice) as a warning that there may be some smoldering feelings that need to be addressed, or perhaps it’s just a medium issue that needs a little attention? Can we talk ourselves down from the cusp of grayness and put healthy habits in place without allowing them to become unhealthy? Think dieting that becomes anorexia.

To break the habit, let’s be aware when we reach for that bag of chips, find our eyes bloodshot from hours of staring at our computer screens and gadgets, or open a bottle of wine. We need to ask ourselves, “What is driving my desire to numb out?”  Suppose we find a quiet spot, sit and allow the feeling to billow, even if it brings tears. Let’s ask ourselves where this issue really falls on a scale from 1 to 10. If it’s toward the high end of the importance we can see a therapist. If it’s on the lower end we can talk to a friend or write in a journal, freeing our frustration and pain. When we allow ourselves to feel discomfort and fully experience it, we can pass through the darkness and leave it behind. Fully felt, the feelings dissipate. No longer do we drag the pain along like a ball and chain, or toss it over our head like a veil, distorting our view. Instead, we give due attention to both happiness and sorrow, ribbons of awareness that enable us to feel the full spectrum of what it means to be alive.

Don't Miss The Good Stuff

The holidays are here. Some of us may have mixed emotions, leftover memories of Christmases past haunting us. Often, it’s a time when single people pine for a relationship that mirrors the romantic movies and TV diamond commercials. It’s easy to go numb and walk through the holiday with blinders on hoping to not feel the pain. But, going numb means we also miss the joy of the season. 

While part of us looks forward to Christmas, another part remembers how our hopes and dreams were shattered in the past. Joyous times ended in violence. Soon, the holidays were something to dread, not anticipate. If any of that dread is still lurking in you, write in your journal, talk to a friend or therapist, and clean out the hurtful feelings that are suffocating your happiness. 

It’s common to have our self-talk convince us to block out joy as if that will prevent us from being disappointed or devastated should things go wrong. It won’t. Both disappointment and happiness come as a part of life. Focusing on the bad does not exempt us from it nor does it lessen the pain. What it does, is keep joy at bay. Should our self-talk warn us to expect the worst, let’s tell it to shut up and replace those thoughts with a list of the blessings in our lives. Rosemary Clooney, in the movie White Christmas, had it right when she sang, “When I’m worried and I can’t sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep.”  Stay present and see the beauty around you. Make a list of the good things in your life. Count your blessings.

Holidays can make your life seem empty without a partner. You feel that you can’t be happy without that “someone” in your life who makes you feel special. That’s the downer voice, again. It’s not true. Yes, the transition time between relationships often stinks - that voice inside you whispers that you’ll never find anyone who will love you, and you’ll never have a happy life. At this time of year, it’s easy to rush into a relationship hoping that this new person is the right one. Often they aren’t, and you come away devastated and the downer voice inside is reinforced. Right now, accept that you don’t have a partner and that’s okay. There are people around you that love you. Embrace that love and let it fill you. Instead of putting off living, create a wonderful holiday for yourself and others. Revel in your children’s excitement. Invite loved ones over to decorate and make cookies, feed the hungry, ring the bell, join a choir, and go caroling. Get involved in causes that mean something to you. Make each day special -- play. You may feel hollow inside at first but soon Christmas joy will fill you. Don’t put your life on hold. Create a new life that’s filled with the people and things you love. Stay aware and breathe in the holiday spirit.

You are a blessing in my life. Thank you for your notes, comments, and reviews of my book.

Merry Christmas Dear Ones.

Forgiving Yourself

This could be the shortest bog I’ll ever write -- you have nothing to forgive. End of post.

While it’s the truth, you and I know it’s not that easy. It can take some time to internalize this knowledge. Still, when we think we’ve got it, some thought twirls up through the darkness of our past to needle us. “Maybe if I had stood up to him sooner.” “I should have left earlier.” “I let myself and children get into that mess.” All statements that blame us for something we couldn’t do or if we had done, would not have made a difference.

Having spent years believing that we were responsible for all the problems, our minds were on a spinning carousel searching for a way to make things better. We were convinced that we could make sense of things, so we could fix the relationship. There was no answer to be found because our partners were intentionally inconsistent to keep us off balance. They knew that as long as we were focused on trying to figure out what they wanted and expected, we wouldn’t have an opportunity to step back and see how outrageous they were treating us and leave them.

 Combine that with the constant battering of our self-esteem (teaching us that we are incompetent)--learned helplessness sets in. Scientists discovered that when an animal, trapped in a painful situation for a period of time, is given a way to avoid the pain it doesn’t take that opportunity. In the same manner humans who have had so many bad things happen that are beyond their control become exhausted and give up. They began to think, “Why bother. Nothing I do will make things better, anyway.” Learned helplessness. 

That was a lot to wrestle with, let alone find our way to freedom. But we did. We left.

Finding a safe place to live, work and raise our kids was a struggle. Those daily needs had to be a priority to survive, so we kept putting one foot in front of the other. Did we give ourselves credit for surviving? Did we see the magnificence of our efforts and achievements?  I hope so.

Out of the immediate danger, we believe we’ve come to terms with the truth--our former relationship would never have changed. However, inside our head that carousel is still turning. The feeling that we were responsible for the problems hasn’t left us. Nasty “I” statements that blame us for the whole mess haunt us. Let’s look at a few.

I let myself get into the relationship. We met a guy who lied to us about who he was. He played games with us. Told us what he knew we wanted to hear. How could we know that he wasn’t sincere? We couldn’t. Only time would tell us that. Just like a sleazy salesman, he put an unspoken time limit on his glowing offer of himself. Feeling very much in love, we rejoiced in his desire to be a couple and didn’t want to miss out on what appeared as a wonderful opportunity. Did we know this rushing into coupledom is a red flag. Not then. We do, now. We ended up in this relationship because we were tricked. That doesn’t make us stupid, it makes us human. We’ve learned an important lesson. Someone who really cares about us will give us the time we need to make a good decision about our future.

I put my kids through that. You did not make their home unsafe, your partner did. All you had control over was yourself--being the best Mom you could be under the circumstances. Your partner had the responsibility to cooperate with you to create a safe and loving home. You are not responsible for your partner’s behavior. You did the best you knew how to do at that time. Now you know better and will do better.  Seeing you leave the relationship and build a new life was, and is, an important lesson for your children.

I stayed too long. The relationship may have become too deadly, painful or you realized that things were not going to change. What ever the reason was, you left. You may wish that you had done it sooner, but you couldn’t leave until you were ready. Only you could determine when it’s time. Now that you know the red flags of an unhealthy relationship, you’re less likely to end up in another or if you do you will leave sooner.

When those self-doubts strut into our thoughts, let’s greet them with the truth- “I am sad that my children and I went through a terrible situation. I am not responsible for my former partner’s bad behavior. There was nothing I could do to change him. End of discussion. Go away.”