Don't Miss The Good Stuff

The holidays are here. Some of us may have mixed emotions, leftover memories of Christmases past haunting us. Often, it’s a time when single people pine for a relationship that mirrors the romantic movies and TV diamond commercials. It’s easy to go numb and walk through the holiday with blinders on hoping to not feel the pain. But, going numb means we also miss the joy of the season. 

While part of us looks forward to Christmas, another part remembers how our hopes and dreams were shattered in the past. Joyous times ended in violence. Soon, the holidays were something to dread, not anticipate. If any of that dread is still lurking in you, write in your journal, talk to a friend or therapist, and clean out the hurtful feelings that are suffocating your happiness. 

It’s common to have our self-talk convince us to block out joy as if that will prevent us from being disappointed or devastated should things go wrong. It won’t. Both disappointment and happiness come as a part of life. Focusing on the bad does not exempt us from it nor does it lessen the pain. What it does, is keep joy at bay. Should our self-talk warn us to expect the worst, let’s tell it to shut up and replace those thoughts with a list of the blessings in our lives. Rosemary Clooney, in the movie White Christmas, had it right when she sang, “When I’m worried and I can’t sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep.”  Stay present and see the beauty around you. Make a list of the good things in your life. Count your blessings.

Holidays can make your life seem empty without a partner. You feel that you can’t be happy without that “someone” in your life who makes you feel special. That’s the downer voice, again. It’s not true. Yes, the transition time between relationships often stinks - that voice inside you whispers that you’ll never find anyone who will love you, and you’ll never have a happy life. At this time of year, it’s easy to rush into a relationship hoping that this new person is the right one. Often they aren’t, and you come away devastated and the downer voice inside is reinforced. Right now, accept that you don’t have a partner and that’s okay. There are people around you that love you. Embrace that love and let it fill you. Instead of putting off living, create a wonderful holiday for yourself and others. Revel in your children’s excitement. Invite loved ones over to decorate and make cookies, feed the hungry, ring the bell, join a choir, and go caroling. Get involved in causes that mean something to you. Make each day special -- play. You may feel hollow inside at first but soon Christmas joy will fill you. Don’t put your life on hold. Create a new life that’s filled with the people and things you love. Stay aware and breathe in the holiday spirit.

You are a blessing in my life. Thank you for your notes, comments, and reviews of my book.

Merry Christmas Dear Ones.

New Traditions

Traditions never seem more important than during a holiday season. There are symbols to embrace, special foods, and rituals for all faiths. Woven into those, are our personal family traditions. After divorce, those change. Sometimes, drastically.

I’m thinking about the first Christmas after I left the violence. It fell on my family of origin’s “off” year, the one when my siblings go to their in-laws and my parents, snowbirds, to the warmth of the southern states. Trying to ease my guilt over leaving my ex (why we feel guilty when we are trying to stop the cycle of abuse is beyond me) I allowed my children to go with him that first Christmas. This meant that on a family-oriented holiday, I would be - alone. 

I knew I’d feel relief that I didn’t have to spend the time in anguish, waiting for the big blowup that would decimate the night. The midnight service at my new church was a given, a personal tradition. But there were many hours to fill before the service started. How would I like to spend that time? That was a hard question since I hadn’t acknowledged my own likes and dislikes in many years. I needed some new Christmas Eve traditions.

After my children left with their father, I set about creating my evening, starting with a trip to the grocery store for a steak to broil and a potato to bake. Christmas music on the radio accompanied me as I prepared a delicious meal that I ate at a lovely place setting with my best china and crystal. As I sipped a glass of wine and enjoyed my dinner, I felt at peace. Gratefulness filled me, and I began thanking God for guiding me and being with me through all the pain and struggle. My kids and I were living without a lot, but you can’t put a dollar amount on how it feels to come home to a safe place where you can be who you are, say how you feel, and know, no matter what, you are loved.

After dinner, I watched my favorite Christmas movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart as George Bailey learns the truth that every life matters. As someone who’d been told she was worthless, this movie deeply touched me.

That week we received 36 inches of snow. “The most we’ve seen in years,” the forecasters said. But it was beautiful. White and blue diamonds glistened in the moonlight. My breath crystallized in the air so cold it stung my nostrils as I trotted out to my very frosty car and started her up.

I love Christmas Eve late-night services, the church filled with music, poinsettias, and candles. The story of hope and promise unfolded, and I felt awe once again. As I tipped my candle to accept the flame from my neighbor, I remembered my favorite Christmas image. My children at 4 and 6 years old, each clutching a candle. So proud to be allowed to hold one. Their faces bathed in the soft light as we lifted glowing candles against the darkness and sang Silent Night. The memory-filled me with joy.

When the service ended, church members called Merry Christmas to each other as we drifted into the cold, star-covered morning. I drove home, still wrapped in the warmth of Christmas carols and the promise of hope for the future. 

That Christmas Eve was a blessing and remains a fond memory.