Girl Claims Beating is Proof of Love

Dr. Phil aired an interview with an 18-year-old girl who gives dating advice to others using Youtube. Seems she is very popular with younger girls. Deadly serious (deadly is the appropriate word here) she stated that a girl should be grateful if her boyfriend beats her. Why? Because he was taking his time to teach her how to behave better as his girlfriend. It means he loves her. Furthermore, she said he was investing his time and money in her so she should be grateful. In a later Youtube video, she claims she broke up with the guy because he didn’t beat her hard enough so she didn’t think he loved her.

Yes, she really said the above. Worse yet, the first video received over 5 million views. 

With all the information out there on teen dating violence, it’s shocking to hear this. I’m sure that you are just as angry and horrified as I am at this girl’s misinformed, outrageous comments. There are so many wrong ideas included in her statements that I don’t even know where to begin talking about them. Let me try. She believes:

1. He only hits her because he loves her. Someone who loves you would never deliberately inflict pain on you.
2. His time is more important than hers. In her opinion, her time or pain wasn’t important enough to consider. She’s accepted a step-down position in the relationship. In healthy relationships, each person has equal value.
3. He is entitled to make the rules for their relations. In healthy relationships, each partner is as concerned for the other’s happiness and well-being as they are for their own.
4. Her assigned job is to be who he wants her to be. In healthy relationships partners are free to be themselves and are encouraged to pursue their passion in life.
5. His opinions are more important than hers. In healthy relationships, each partner’s opinion is respected even if it differs from the other’s opinion.  
6. He has a right to hit her if she displeases him. In healthy relationships partners never inflict pain, humiliate, call each other derogatory names, or intentionally hurt the other in any way.
7. He is entitled to have everything the way he wants it. In healthy relationships, disagreements are negotiated. One person does not always have to kowtow to the other.
8. She should feel lucky and grateful that he chose her as his girlfriend when he could have had anyone he wanted. In a healthy relationship, each partner thinks they are the luckiest one and treats the other with care.

Dr. Phil, in his straightforward style, challenged her thinking, asking how she felt telling very young girls (who seem to be her biggest fans) something that could cause them serious harm? By this time I was on the edge of my sofa cheering Dr. Phil on. The girl steadfastly clung to her beliefs. She insisted that these guys love their girlfriends because by beating the girls, the guys risk going to jail. Dr. Phil outed her on the fact that she took a few thousand dollars from the guy to not prosecute him for battery. It was no surprise when she walked off the show. (You can see excerpts and a transcript from this show at drphil.com. Air date January 28, 2015.)

Was she just looking for fame? Most likely. However, the information she was willing to share is dangerous to our impressionable kids. 

To fight this sick thinking, we have to continue to get the word out to our teens, girls, and boys. Relationships are based on mutual trust, respect, and kindness. Someone who loves you wants you to pursue your passion and be all that you can be. They will be your greatest cheerleader as you are theirs. Jealousy, hitting and name-calling have no part in a healthy relationship.

Each person is responsible to create a life using his or her own gifts and talents. When they choose to be together, their lives overlap creating a space where they nurture and build a solid relationship based on shared values, honesty, trust, love, and respect. One partner’s life should never absorb and dissolve the other’s life. No one needs a partner to complete them. They are already whole.

It’s never too soon to start talking to your kids about dating violence and healthy relationships. Teach them the components of a healthy relationship so they have a measuring stick when they begin dating.

February is Teen Dating Awareness Month.

A Chuckle And Wink Won't Explain Away Bad Behavior Anymore

Because Ray Rice punched out his then-girlfriend, now wife, Janey, I think that the NFL as well as others have learned that “boys will be boys” stated with a chuckle and wink won’t excuse abuse anymore. The brutal behavior in the elevator has brought domestic abuse to the forefront. That’s the only good thing about it. I’ve not written much about this incident. Been waiting to see how it played out. The incident has continued to fill the headlines. People debate the role the NFL should have in disciplining the player. The contract includes a code of conduct that is meant to keep a black eye off the NFL. If they are serious about that, they need to prevent black eyes and other injuries to the partners and children of the players. The best way to prevent abuse is to educate employees. Some may need batterer’s treatment, and others, awareness training. Sounds like the only educating they’ve done so far is to teach victims to stay silent.

The more survivors willing to come forward reduces the chance that domestic abuse will be swept under the carpet like gun control was after the death of so many children, innocent bystanders, and police officers. There are no deep-pocketed lobbyists protecting abusers. Or are there?

Think of the pressure put on Janey as a result of this incident- the NFL would like to downplay what happened so it can go away and they can get back to playing the game, not to mention smooth things over so that sponsors won’t pull out. The NFL has huge amounts of money to lose, and Ray, his career. So they look to Janey to make herself responsible for the whole mess. She’s in a no-win situation. If she files charges, he will hate her and possibly make her pay for destroying his career (in the abuser’s mind his bad behavior is his partner’s fault.) The league will make her the scapegoat, blackballing her and painting her as the one at fault.

Former wives of NFL players are coming forward to report how the league had drawn them into a cult-like existence where what happens in your home stays in your home. Women were expected to buck up and put up with violence or affairs to protect not only the player but the whole team and the integrity of the NFL. If they didn’t play nice, they were booted into poverty.

If nothing else, the Ray Rice incident has shown how this behavior has been cultivated but will no longer be accepted. Other sports clubs are reevaluating their codes of conduct. I’d call that a step forward. Now we need the legal system to prosecute perpetrators, no matter who they are. Big money has managed to trump that in the past. It’s time to put the blame where it belongs— the abuser ruined his own career, not the wife who came forward to save herself and her children. 

I’m glad to see victims of rape and abuse speak out with a new strength, no longer afraid that they won’t be taken seriously. Still, they are met with stupid comments and myths like:

• “These claimants are just jumping on the bandwagon, out for money.” Really? Most of these cases are past the statute of limitations. 
• “They are seeking to become a celebrity.” Seriously? Why would anyone declare themselves victims of abuse when there is such a stigma attached? Unfortunately, there are easier ways to become a celeb these days, but that’s another blog.
• “They just want to make trouble.” Once again, victim blaming. Those who perpetrated the violence made this happen. 
• “It’s a family matter. We don’t interfere.” If Ray had punched someone on the street, wouldn’t he have been arrested and charged? Why should battery laws only apply if the victim is not his partner or child? Why should celebrities be above the law?
• “She must like it, she stays. She could just leave.” Seriously, who would welcome being terrorized and punched in the face? Women stay for many reasons, mostly they feel trapped and terrorized. Leaving is the most dangerous time for victims and children. When they leave, they are 70% more likely to be murdered. See my post Why Women Stay or Return to Abusers from January 9, 2011, for a better understanding of this issue.
• “She said it was her fault. She antagonized him.” We covered this in the paragraph about the pressure put on Janey. Victims live in such fear that they will do anything to make peace. Including accepting the blame and marrying the perpetrator. After all, he’s been telling her all along that he wouldn’t hit her if she didn’t make him so angry. Anything short of taking responsibility for the incident could cost the victim her life. 
• “She hit him first.” The difference between a man’s and a women’s punch is usually about 100 pounds (in the case of a football player- 200 pounds.) As a large man, he could have easily restrained her to protect himself. Instead, he chose to punch her out. When Janey hit Ray he was not afraid for his life. When a man hits a woman, she’s afraid for her life. I’d call that a huge difference. Let me make it clear— no one needs to be hitting anyone. 

Ray Rice’s bad behavior has given us the opportunity to educate society and get rid of ridiculous and dangerous beliefs. We need to keep this conversation going. No matter how many times we must respond to these archaic myths, we have to keep repeating the truth until everyone gets it. No sweeping it under the rug. Violence is not okay. 

Birthing a New Future

In The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo talks about the birth of a chick. After eating all the food provided in the shell, it’s grown to fill the space and begins to feel cramped. It cannot stay contained in that tiny shell or it will die. It stretches and pecks, breaking the eggshell - birth.  

As we grow we change physically. Wayne Dyer talks about how our spirit inhabits and outgrows an infant body, adolescent body and finally into an adult body. Though, Even our adult body changes as the cells die off and new ones replace the old.  Growth, a necessary part of life. 

When it comes to our spirits, stretching and growing can be painful. It seems our most significant spiritual births are often accompanied by great discomfort and anxiety about the coming change. We may even fight it, making it more difficult. But, our spirits will continue to grow beyond our current existence. At some point, we have to make a conscious decision to move on or stay trapped in the shell of our circumstance and run the risk of suffocating. 

I experienced this most acutely before leaving my abusive partner. Like many victims of domestic violence, I lived in a stifling relationship. Yet, my spirit began preparing me for a new birth, showing me that I could no longer live that way. It bubbled up as uncontrollable grief, health problems, anxiety, fear and more. I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to know it. Was terrified of the unknown- how would I exist outside in a world I was unprepared for and taught to not trust. But, the day came when the pain of staying was more brutal than the fear of leaving. Like the chick, fighting for its life, I faced the truth and broke out of the shell. 

Once a victim leaves, the relationship can nether stay nor go back to the way it was. The old life is irreparably broken. If we try to work things out with our partner, the truth smolders within us, an ember of resentment that will devour us. Some victims reach for alcohol, drugs or other addictions to silence it, compounding the pain. Others move on to a new life.

For those of us who move on, there are many new births as we quickly learn to reclaim our life and catch up to where we would have been had we not been stifled. Every new day is a celebration of freedom, learning and growing as we break through the shells that isolated us from our gifts and abilities, our support base and ourselves. We come to  trust ourself and listen to our inner-voice. Then we can anticipate, welcome and celebrate each unfolding birth.

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

This is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. I understand the word “date” is slowly disappearing from teens vocabulary. The “dating” that I participated in ages ago has developed into a more joint responsibility for cost and opened up to group activities. I like that. So let’s call it Teen Relationship Violence Awareness Month.  (Which could also include bullying anyone, partner or not.) 

This is what I’d like our teens to know:

You are the only you on this planet. Only you have the combination of gifts and talents for your mission in life. Your abilities won’t be identical to anyone else's. But that’s okay. You are here because you are supposed to be here -- at this time -- right now. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t earn it. It was given to you as an opportunity. You have the right to claim and fill your space on this planet.

As you journey through life, you will discover your gifts and talents, honing them by the good and bad experiences you encounter. Your gifts can be used for good or evil. I hope you chose good, even if you’ve been wounded along the way. It’s always a choice to be kind or unkind- your choice. Sometimes it takes more strength of character to be kind. However, this doesn’t mean that you don’t protect and take care of yourself. There is a fine line between caring for others and becoming a people pleaser who gives to others at the expense of themselves. Don’t become a people pleaser. You have the right to decide who is a part of your life and how they should treat you.

You deserve to be, treated with respect by the people in your life. Others deserve the same from you. There are many people out there that will treat you right. You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, put up with anyone who isn’t respectful - no matter how much you believe you love them and they profess to love you. Watch their actions for the truth about how they feel toward you. If they are constantly criticizing you, berating you, humiliating you, they don’t love you. You will never “love someone enough” to make them love you. Not everyone will like you. Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you, it’s about them. 

Helping someone else, should never hurt you. One big hook a controlling partner uses to hold on to his partner is to convince her that he really wants to and will change but he needs her help. People who want to change, do. They take responsibility and do the work. They put all the effort into changing. If it requires help, they go to a professional trained to guide them, not expect their partner to heal them. 

You cannot change anyone else. You can only change yourself. Often, the best way to help someone is to not buy into their bad behavior, just walk away. There are others who will love and respect you and you can love again- this is not the only person in the world for you. Yes, it hurts to break up. That hurt only lasts a short time. Staying in an abusive relationship hurts 7/24/365. 

Healthy relationships consist of two people who are genuinely concerned for the other but also maintain their own life. That means each gets to discover and pursue their own passion in life. Take their own journey. Define who they are. Develop their own life space. These life spaces can overlap into a shared space (a relationship.) The guy’s journey doesn’t require the girl to give up her journey in order to be loved. Neither should her life space swallow up or negate his. Also, he doesn’t terrorize his partner, paralyzing and inhibiting her from becoming who she was meant to be. Someone who loves you will be your biggest cheerleader, supporting you during your journey of discovery. And you will reciprocate. 

During the teen years, girls and guys think differently. There is nothing wrong with ether way of thinking, it’s just the way we’re wired. Girls are apt to be ready to form a committed relationship before guys are. While she’s thinking we’ll be together forever and ever.  He may also think the same thing. However, her forever and ever is defined as until death do us part. His is often for the next six months. You need to know where your partner is coming from. In healthy relationships partners can talk about issues such as this and respect each other perspective.

Here are some red flags that indicate you are in an unhealthy relationship. Your partner:

1. Doesn’t take “no” for an answer.
2.   Moves too fast and is rushing you into exclusivity, sex. 
3.   Is jealous and limits your circle of friends and who you can talk to.
4.   Monopolizes your time.
5.   Shows up unexpectedly when you are out with friends.
6.   Calls or texts many times throughout the day and night.
7.   Gets angry if you don’t immediately answer the text or call.
8.   Has a sense of entitlement - believes one gender is “better” or deserves better treatment than the other.
9.   Is closed minded about his beliefs and refuses to listen to or consider your opinion.

Finally, if you or a friend need help, please call the National Teen Dating Abuse hotline at: 866.331.9474. 

Here are some websites for teens:

 http://loveisrespect.org/

http://breakthecycle.org/

http://pic.tv/daily/2011/02/16/raising-awareness-teen-dating-violence/

Click on the “Comments” link below and share what you want teens to know.