Girl Claims Beating is Proof of Love

Dr. Phil aired an interview with an 18-year-old girl who gives dating advice to others using Youtube. Seems she is very popular with younger girls. Deadly serious (deadly is the appropriate word here) she stated that a girl should be grateful if her boyfriend beats her. Why? Because he was taking his time to teach her how to behave better as his girlfriend. It means he loves her. Furthermore, she said he was investing his time and money in her so she should be grateful. In a later Youtube video, she claims she broke up with the guy because he didn’t beat her hard enough so she didn’t think he loved her.

Yes, she really said the above. Worse yet, the first video received over 5 million views. 

With all the information out there on teen dating violence, it’s shocking to hear this. I’m sure that you are just as angry and horrified as I am at this girl’s misinformed, outrageous comments. There are so many wrong ideas included in her statements that I don’t even know where to begin talking about them. Let me try. She believes:

1. He only hits her because he loves her. Someone who loves you would never deliberately inflict pain on you.
2. His time is more important than hers. In her opinion, her time or pain wasn’t important enough to consider. She’s accepted a step-down position in the relationship. In healthy relationships, each person has equal value.
3. He is entitled to make the rules for their relations. In healthy relationships, each partner is as concerned for the other’s happiness and well-being as they are for their own.
4. Her assigned job is to be who he wants her to be. In healthy relationships partners are free to be themselves and are encouraged to pursue their passion in life.
5. His opinions are more important than hers. In healthy relationships, each partner’s opinion is respected even if it differs from the other’s opinion.  
6. He has a right to hit her if she displeases him. In healthy relationships partners never inflict pain, humiliate, call each other derogatory names, or intentionally hurt the other in any way.
7. He is entitled to have everything the way he wants it. In healthy relationships, disagreements are negotiated. One person does not always have to kowtow to the other.
8. She should feel lucky and grateful that he chose her as his girlfriend when he could have had anyone he wanted. In a healthy relationship, each partner thinks they are the luckiest one and treats the other with care.

Dr. Phil, in his straightforward style, challenged her thinking, asking how she felt telling very young girls (who seem to be her biggest fans) something that could cause them serious harm? By this time I was on the edge of my sofa cheering Dr. Phil on. The girl steadfastly clung to her beliefs. She insisted that these guys love their girlfriends because by beating the girls, the guys risk going to jail. Dr. Phil outed her on the fact that she took a few thousand dollars from the guy to not prosecute him for battery. It was no surprise when she walked off the show. (You can see excerpts and a transcript from this show at drphil.com. Air date January 28, 2015.)

Was she just looking for fame? Most likely. However, the information she was willing to share is dangerous to our impressionable kids. 

To fight this sick thinking, we have to continue to get the word out to our teens, girls, and boys. Relationships are based on mutual trust, respect, and kindness. Someone who loves you wants you to pursue your passion and be all that you can be. They will be your greatest cheerleader as you are theirs. Jealousy, hitting and name-calling have no part in a healthy relationship.

Each person is responsible to create a life using his or her own gifts and talents. When they choose to be together, their lives overlap creating a space where they nurture and build a solid relationship based on shared values, honesty, trust, love, and respect. One partner’s life should never absorb and dissolve the other’s life. No one needs a partner to complete them. They are already whole.

It’s never too soon to start talking to your kids about dating violence and healthy relationships. Teach them the components of a healthy relationship so they have a measuring stick when they begin dating.

February is Teen Dating Awareness Month.

I'd Like to be the One to See You Through

Janis Ian sings a sorrow-filled, haunting song called From Me to You where she says: 

I’m  leaving by night

I’m leaving alone

I’m leaving it lie

When you waken I’ll be gone

I would not beg for me

As I would not beg for you

Though I’d like to be the one to see you through

It’s that last line that echoed in my head after I left my abuser. It’s one of the reasons we stay or are drawn back into unhealthy relationships. We’d like to be the one to see him through his inner struggle.

Many of us saw the vulnerable, pain-filled spirit inside our partners. We felt compassion. We spent 10, 20, maybe 45 years trying to heal his pain. We felt guilty that we were not successful. We didn’t want to give up on him. Couldn’t imagine anything worse then giving up on someone. He’d told us stories of how family and previous lovers had let him down. We wanted to be the one that stood by him, put our arms around him and assured him that everything would be okay. We wanted to save him, thinking that if we could do that, it would prove that we were worthy. (but that’s another blog)

It didn’t seem like an insurmountable task. He wanted to be treated with respect. We could do that. He wanted devotion, an eager sexual partner, children and a stable home. We could do that. After all, we wanted the same for ourselves. The answer seemed simple. All we had to do was love him unconditionally. Give him time to see that we were trustworthy, weren’t going to take advantage of him.

The problem was he wasn’t willing and saw no need to reciprocate. 

Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” talks about Emotional Bank Accounts (EBA) between people. Kind words and actions fill the other’s EBA, harsh words empty it. If you have a friend who is always late for your lunch dates, you think, “She doesn’t value our relationship.” and you feel hurt and angry. If you have a friend who is never late, but this one time she is, instead of being angry you are apt to be worried. She’s made enough deposits into your EBA that one mishap doesn’t drain it. 

In a relationship where one person is doing all the giving and yielding to the other and rarely, if ever, receiving it isn’t long before their EBA is empty. Abuser’s don’t recognize others’ feelings. They don’t get it. According to our logic, if our partner treats us with love and respect, we would return the love a hundred fold, giving him the devotion he craves. We’d knock ourselves out to meet his needs and express our love in a million small and grand ways. We’d be that enthusiastic lover he talks about.

Controllers believe they get what they want because they demand it. Abusers logic tells them that if they treat us with respect they would become vulnerable. It would be giving in, becoming pussy-whipped, losing the battle between the sexes. How would that look to their friends? 

My partner talked a lot in terms of the war between the sexes. The concept was foreign to me. The more I tried to prove that I wasn’t in a power struggle with him the more adamant he became. He assured me that if given a chance I’d become a controlling bitch and made it known that he, not me, would be in charge at any cost. 

When our Emotional Bank Accounts run out, hopefully, we leave. An aching sadness comes with the realization that love doesn’t conquer all. It can never drive out the abuser’s need for absolute control. That is something the abuser has to relinquish on his own, then decide if he’s willing to do the work it takes to heal the pain inside him and relearn how to treat others. If the relationship isn’t important enough to him to go into treatment, there is nothing we can do. We can’t heal another. We can accompany him on his journey and be supportive, but not fix him. If it’s a journey he’s not willing to take, we have to do what’s necessary to save ourselves. 

Another song was popular around the time I left, “Sunshine” by the Isley Brothers. One line became an ear-worm to keep me strong: 

You can’t even run your own life, 

I’ll be damned if you’ll run mine. 

It took a while to understand that I didn’t have to be “the one.” All I had to do was be who I was and move on when it was time. We are all influenced and shaped by the variety of people who move in and out of our lives. No one person is our everything, and we cannot be someone else’s everything.