Every Good Choice Equals Success

We usually define success as that place where we arrive after a lot of hard work. What I've learned is that we are already successful just by setting our sights on a worthy goal and taking the first step in that direction. When you think about it, it makes sense. Every choice we make moves us closer to or away from the life we want. 

Coming out of a violent relationship, we seek a happier, more fulfilling, and peaceful life. We may have a clear vision of what that would look like or we may have only a vague idea. Either way, it doesn’t matter, our vision can be developed and tweaked as we move along re-learning who we want to be and what we want to do with our lives?  

As we pull our lives together we are often engaged in an exhausting battle with our ex-partners over the children and possessions. If we keep our focus only on the struggles it’s draining and easy to give up. If we set a worthy goal for ourselves, one that aligns with our values, we will subconsciously be working toward that ideal. Does that make those daily battles any easier? No. We still have to put one foot in front of the other to deal with the difficult stuff. However, what it does give us is a solid foundation that holds us aloft, hope and expectation for a better future, that light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

What I am suggesting is that while we keep our eyes on our goals let’s also broaden our vision to include celebrating the changes we see in ourselves every day. Every good choice is a success. Every release of an old habit that held us back is a success. As we fill our lives with behaviors and beliefs that aligned with our values, the old detrimental behaviors and beliefs fade away, moving us closer to who and what we want to be. Our self-esteem grows giving us more strength to continue moving forward.

Here are some suggestions to help you get started:

Write a Mission Statement, an expression of your vision and values. Reflect on what is important to you. Keep it simple, just 3-4 sentences. Use positive statements such as; My home is a safe place filled with peace and kindness, I respect myself and others. Your mission statement can be adjusted as your life evolves. (See my post for 2013.10.01 for more about writing a mission statement.)

Create a Vision Board, to support your Mission Statement. On your computer or a bulletin board, collect and post things that bring you joy, words that you would like to describe yourself, your passions, affirmations that lift you up, and pictures of people you admire. Anything related to your hopes for your future. Put the board where you will see it every day. It will help you keep your focus on where you are going. 

By doing these two activities, you are already moving in the direction you want to go. The decisions you make from this point on are measured against whether they will move you closer to your plan for your future or away from it. 

If you are looking for a better job, make a list of the things that light up your soul, and your passions. Post them on your board. Let your choices move you in the direction of a job that will align with your passions. Take a night class, or computer course, or study on your own. Network, get out among people who enjoy the things you do, and let them know you are job hunting. Knock on doors. See every “no” as another step closer to  a “yes.”

If you are looking for a healthy relationship, list what you have to offer a partner then list the traits you want in a partner and post them on your vision board. As you meet potential partners, keep your eyes open and don’t minimize or explain away the red flags, i.e. rushing you into an intimate relationship, hurting your feelings then calling you “too sensitive.” You’ve pledged to respect yourself. If you feel rushed or disrespected, the relationship is over. Keep your kind heart in check and don’t get hooked into trying to fix someone else's life, this is the time to focus on your own. (You are not being selfish.)

Gather a support group around you. People who are positive and uplifting. People who will call you out in a loving way when you’ve strayed from your path. Those who will meet you where you are and listen more than talk. Ones who let you talk out your struggle until you’ve come up with the best solution.

Keep a journal. It’s a great way to measure your success and see how far you’ve come. List all your success. Your first is the fact that you made the decision to leave an unhealthy relationship. Then you actually left, no small feat and another huge success. Now you are learning to let go of the false beliefs and relearning what a remarkable and gifted person you are. Keep a record of all your thoughts and feelings. Review your journal to remind yourself how far you’ve come.

This journey is a learning experience. That means there are no mistakes, just redirections. Setbacks will come, use them to reevaluate and tweak your vision. When the “old” behaviors try to take over, congratulate yourself for recognizing them and celebrate the fact that you no longer let them control you. Trust your vision to direct your path as the life you are meant to have unfolds.

Take a moment right now to celebrate your successes. Let’s happy dance!

Tip For Moving On: Write a Mission Statement

When all your boundaries have been violated, it’s hard to set new ones, let alone, know what reasonable boundaries look like. When you’ve lived for a number of years by someone else's rules, it’s hard to know what your own “rules” are. When you’ve jumped to respond to others needs ahead of, or in spite of, your own, you forget that you even matter. These are only a few of the unhealthy things we take with us as we leave a violent relationship.

Writing a mission statement can help you reevaluate and determine the direction you want to go. It can awakened your ability to stop and listen to your inner spirit, that little voice inside that says, “This doesn’t feel right,” or “I’ve always wanted to  _____.”

A mission statement is your personal constitution. An expression of your vision and values. Written down, it becomes you road map and touchstone to what is important to you.  It may start out as a few vague lines, but with time, you will clarify your vision and make adjustments.

It will take some serious thought and time to develop as you think through your priorities and clarify your goals. It’s important that you write them out. Then you can begin aligning your behavior with your statement. Decisions become easier. Does this go along with my mission statement or against it? Acting on your values may feel uncomfortable at first (especially if, like me, people-pleasing has been a problem for you, or you’ve not been allowed to express your true feelings.) However, you will feel a sense of pride that you are taking control of your future. 

As you start, plan to:

• Keep it simple. Go for 3-4 sentences at first. 
• Keep it positive. “I will speak the truth with respect and kindness.” Not “I won’t let people tell me with to think.”
• Include goals for your personal growth. (i.e. spend time reading, in nature, school.)
• Include goals for your family life, and
• Goals for yourself as an employee.

When I began to work on mine, I knew that I wanted to be and kind and confident woman. I was shaky in what kind of a job I wanted, but did know I could keep putting one foot in front of the other and watch for opportunities. 

I asked myself-- what is important to me as a woman, mother, worker, friend, and potential partner? What did I want to change about the way I was living?

Being a people-pleaser caused a myriad of problems. To put and end to this trait, my mission statement started with: Have integrity by speaking my truth firmly and with kindness. This felt very uncomfortable in the beginning. With time it became easier.

At first I wasn’t sure what my truth actually was. So, I pledged that instead of responding with an immediate “Yes” when asked to do something, I would say “I’ll get back to you,” or “Let me think about it.” This allowed me to take time to check my schedule, get quiet and listen to my spirit. No more overloading my schedule or doing something I wasn’t enthused about, then later, feeling angry and resentful.

Another part of speaking my truth was to stop biting my tongue when I didn’t agree with others. I promised myself that I would take a deep breath and express my opinion without criticizing other’s for theirs. It also meant I’d removed myself from situations or relationships that did not align with my values. (Yep, this may cost friendships, but it opens the door for new friends whose values are similar to yours.)

For too long, I had put everyone else ahead of me. I needed to learn how to nurture myself. While I knew that sometimes other’s needs would trump mine (i.e. a child in need of stitches,) this should not be the norm. I included; Take time for myself by nourishing my body and spirit with time alone, healthy food, exercise, yoga, meditation. I blocked off time on my calendar and held to it no matter what request came my way. The most important promises we can keep are those we make to ourselves. To break one of those is a betrayal of self that damages our self-esteem.

When I wrote the original version of my mission statement, I had children at home. The statement included; Keep my children the priority in my life by giving them my time, attention and providing a safe home. This meant I was very careful who I allowed into our lives and apartment.

When it came to being a friend, it was important to me to Laugh with my friends often, meet them where they are emotionally, and do more listening than talking.

Once on paper, you have a starting point. As you grow into your vision you will continue to refine and expand it. Best of all, you will boost your self-esteem and self-confidence by living in alignment with your intentions. Remember to be kind to yourself as you stretch some new and unused muscles.

Search for Mission Statements if you’d like to see an array of templates and suggestions. Or go to www.franklincovey.com/msb where you can build one by filling in the blanks. 

If you are willing to share your experience, click on the comment link below or stop over on my Facebook page and let us know what worked for you as you built your personal mission statement.