Let Go of the Rope

In his book Friedman’s Fables, Edwin H. Friedman tells the story of a young man who had worked hard to learn and grow so that he could use his gifts and do something in the world. Finally, the window of opportunity opens. Excited about his future, the young man headed for town. 

As he began to cross the bridge that led to the center of the city, he noticed a man coming toward him uncoiling a rope from around his waist. The man stopped in front of the young man and asked him if he would hold the end of the rope for a moment. Surprised by this incident and being a kind person, the young man took the end of the rope. The man gave a stern directive to hold tight with both hands then he promptly jumped over the side of the bridge. He was suspended above the rushing river.  

The young man, not being strong enough to pull the man up, held tight and braced himself against the edge of the bridge so the jumper wouldn’t fall to his death. He called to the jumper to climb up the rope. But the man reminded the young man that he had promised to hold on and was now in charge of the jumper's life. The young man suggested other ways the jumper could help save his own life but his pleas were ignored.

When I read this story, I saw this as a perfect metaphor for abusive relationships. They arrest our life, dreams, hopes, and passions. We become totally responsible for taking care of another’s needs. And like the jumper, abusers don’t care that the person holding the rope is forced to give up his or her life. The abuser is not willing to make any changes, preferring the status quo. 

Understanding that the jumper refuses to help himself, the young man relinquishes the responsibility for the outcome to the jumper. He clearly states that if the jumper doesn’t climb up the rope, he will let go. Like our abusers, the jumper tried all his old tricks to force the young man to hang on.  We were told:

• I can’t live without you
• I’m sorry/I will change
• You said you loved me
• I’ll kill myself and/or you
• I’ll take the children away from you
• You are too stupid and inept to survive without me
• No one else would ever want you

These are only a few of the physical and emotional threats. 

Because we have been conditioned to believe that we are responsible for our partner’s well-being, we do a number on ourselves thinking:

• If I had been a better partner this wouldn’t be happening
• I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it
• I promised to stay
• He’s in pain, and I have to help him/fix him
• I can’t make it on my own

Along with many other derogatory messages that have been embedded in our psyche.

If you haven’t already, it is time to give the responsibility for your partner’s life back to your partner. Let go of the guilt, feelings of responsibility, and sympathy. Let go of the rope.

If He'd Just Stop Drinking: Domestic Abuse and Alcohol

While both alcohol use and violence may appear in a relationship, they are independent issues. Those of us who lived with abusers who were also heavy drinkers often claimed, “If he’d just stop drinking, everything would be okay.” Many members of society still believe that alcohol or drug use causes abuse. However, there is no research to support that theory. Studies indicate that the “majority (76 percent) of physical abuse incidents occur in the absence of alcohol use.”(1) Also, the majority of heavy drinkers do not abuse their partners. Studies do indicate that the use of alcohol allows abusers to more easily enforce their own internal rules through any means. This results in a higher rate of injuries to partners of heavy drinkers who are abusers.

As defined by The National Institute on Drug Abuse: 

Alcoholism or alcohol dependence is a diagnosable disease characterized by a strong craving for alcohol, and/or continued use despite harm or personal injury. Alcohol abuse, which can lead to alcoholism, is a pattern of drinking that results in harm to one's health, interpersonal relationships, or ability to work. (2 & 3)

Domestic violence defined by the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse:

Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically; however, the one constant component of domestic violence is one partner’s consistent efforts to maintain power and control over the other. (4)

Alcohol can intensify an already difficult situation. Continued use of what was once used to self-medicate anxious feelings, may now increase that anxiety. Combined with the predisposition to control one’s partner and the growing fear of losing that control, alcohol may exacerbate the situation, resulting in an increased risk of severe injury or death for the victim. 

Removing alcohol from the picture may temporarily reduce the violence, but the desire to control at all costs, embedded within the core of the perpetrator, remains. The abuse will not only continue but its severity will likely escalate. 

There are specific strategies used to gain and hold a position of power. The controlling partner: 

Isolates the victim from family and friends. They are a threat because they may confirm the victim's initial feelings that something is wrong with the relationship and encourage her to leave. 

Plays mind games by putting her down, redirecting conversations, or disrupting her plans, instilling confusion and mistrust in herself. (5)

Creates constant chaos around the victim to keep her off balance and focused on “making things better.” The victim feels that resisting is more difficult than complying because they are exhausted by the overwhelming expectations and demands.

Threatens to harm the victim, her pets, or children to assure that she will be reluctant to reach out for help. 

Demonstrates omnipotence or power by controlling all finances, withholding information or flaunting the law. Keeping track of her through constant phone calls, texts or tracking devices instills a sense that resistance is futile.

Humiliates and degrades the victim in public or private. She becomes reluctant to be around others—furthering her isolation. As her self-esteem declines, her dependence on the controlling partner increases.

Enforces trivial demands by creating petty rules to fortify his control. Every time she performs one of these tasks it reinforces that he holds the power.

The insidiousness of the above behaviors is topped off with an occasional indulgence—an act of kindness. This “gift” to the victim throws her off balance and motivates her to comply and believe that “He will change.” She may minimize and deny what he is doing to her. When the abuse returns, she feels hopeless and helpless.

When I asked Doctor Darald Hanusa (who developed a well-respected batterer’s treatment program(6)), why men abuse their partners, he responded without hesitation. “Because they can.” Society has taught them that it is permissible to control their partner through violence. 

Violent partners often use alcohol as an excuse for their bad behavior. They also claim to have lost control because they were angry and frustrated. However, those who treat batterers agree that assault is always a matter of choice. The fact that they only abuse their partner, not their boss or associate, dispels the out-of-control claim. In addition, they usually abuse in private and are careful to not leave bruises where they can be seen. 

One batterer who went through treatment shared his perspective. “It was like having a new toy," he said. "I had the buttons and I could make her do whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel powerful.”(7)

Abuse is not a disease like alcoholism. It is a choice. 

Both domestic abuse and alcoholism wreak havoc on our families.

For anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) now.

For confidential help regarding substance abuse call the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation at 1-800-257-7810

1. (https://www.verywell.com/domestic-abuse-and-alcohol-62643) 
2. Alcohol | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)  
3. www.drugabuse.gov/drugs-abuse/alcohol
4. (http://www.ncadv.org)
5. I am using he as the perpetrator and she as the victim for ease of writing. Either men or women can and do abuse.
6. Darald Hanusa Ph.D., L.C.S.W  http://www.mchumanservices.org/staff.htm
7. (https://www.verywell.com/domestic-abuse-why-do-they-do-it-62639)

Be Still and Know

A fresh, unblemished new year yawns out before us. What will we do with it? I like to set an intention, not make resolutions. Don’t we all hate rules? We set them up and when we cannot follow through with them we beat ourselves up. Let’s be kinder to ourselves this year. 

I’ve been thinking about what my intention will be for this year. Part of it is to increase the amount of joy in my life. Last year was so heavy and turbulent it held many moments of happiness at a low simmer. I’m glad to lay 2016 down and move on. There is still much work to do. I won’t roll over or hide my head in the sand. Supporting causes I believe in is necessary. It is also important to take time to experience things I enjoy and enjoy the things I experience.

Late last fall I attended a woman’s retreat. Early one morning I trudged across the frosted hillside to the labyrinth. After a prayer for guidance, I moved along the narrow pathway thinking about joy and where I was in my life. It’s everything I could hope for. Everything I worked for. The things I didn’t achieve were okay, too. 

As I walked along I began to feel all my ancestors walking with me—the people whose shoulders I stand on. The ones who laid the foundation of possibilities for me struggled in their own lives and came to America penniless—farmers, a builder, and a housekeeper. Also, those who stayed in the “old country," as my grandmother called it. I felt their strength and support as I placed one foot in front of the other. 

That is how we make our life—step by step—all of us going through trials and successes, stumbling backward, pushing forward. Along this journey, what we learn blooms inside of us and cannot be unlearned. Oh, we can squish it down for a while, but the truth will not be silenced. So, we change, growing into the person we are meant to be and building onto the foundation for those who will follow.

With a silent prayer uttered below a sliver of the moon in the azure sky, I left the labyrinth. In the lodge, I stopped at the gift shop. A polished stone caught my attention. Etched into it in tiny letters was “be still.” Its other side finished the verse “and know that I am God” Psalms 46:10. That little stone sits on my desk. My intention for this year will be stillness. My mantra for this year—Be Still and Know. Know that we are not alone. Know that we continue to grow stronger. Know that we can choose faith over fear. Know we have much to be grateful for. 

And gratefulness births Joy.

I wish you all a year filled with Joy.

Return or Stay Out?

Should I return or stay out? While it sounds like a simple question with an easy answer, those of us who have been in violent relationships know it to be extremely complicated. In my blog (Why Victims Stay or Return to Their Abusers) I address many of the reasons why victims stay or return. In this post, I want to focus on another component that draws us into that vacillation dance, the honeymoon period.

Part of the reason leaving is such a difficult decision is based on the Cycle of Abuse (See tab above). Abusive relationships are filled with emotional highs and lows. As the tension stage builds toward the battering incident, the victim tries desperately to appease her* habitually disgruntled partner. Knowing that she will not be successful, she slides into numbness to avoid the fear of what is to come, and it does. Her partner explodes and brutally terrorizes her. Afterward, the couple moves into the honeymoon period, where the abuser apologizes and promises to change. During the honeymoon period, there is relief from the victim’s pain. She experiences joy, and happiness that he wants and needs her so much. It’s like falling in love all over again. She feels alive and believes battering will never happen again.

Survivors know that it is not a circle, it’s a spiral. It will happen again and again, with the incidents coming more often and the severity of the abuse more dangerous.

A violent incident often becomes the last straw, and we leave the relationship. We are finished. However, our partners move on to do the dance of the honeymoon period, where they attempt to woo us back. They become Mr. Wonderfuls, the guys we first met. They tell us they are sorry and pull out all the old tricks they have used to hook us and hold us in the relationship. We receive letters professing their love. They make promises that they will do whatever is necessary to bring us back. They join AA or a church. They even use our children to intercede on their behalf. They will say or do whatever they need to, to make us return. Though, they have no intention of following through with their promises. They didn't the last time, and they won't this time.

Meanwhile, we slid into numbness. That critical voice in our heads attacks us, saying we can never survive on our own. We can't support our children on our own. He will find a way to take our children away from us. All his threats spin through our minds. Our lives feel like an endless nightmare. We long for relief. That heady feeling from the honeymoon period temps us to return. Maybe this time things will be different.

If victims stop themselves amid the negative chatter and go to that quiet place in their gut, they will hear the truth—if they return things will not change. The abuse will continue and their self-esteem will be decimated.

When victims return, abusers, feel victorious, believing they now have the right to hold the reins of control tighter, demanding more and limiting their partners’ freedoms. They will often punish their partners for making them kowtow to woo them back.  Also, victims must understand that the abuse will escalate and spill over onto their children. The end result may be death for the victims and, in many cases, their children.

When an ex understands that his victim will not be wooed back, he will do whatever it takes to make her life hell. This includes:

• Telling lies to others so the victim looks like the bad partner.
• Creating chaos around her to keep her off-balance and not be able to think clearly, hoping to wear her down so she gives up and returns.
• Coming up with a sob story to lure her back or get a toe in the door. (He wants to stay in the house with her. It’s just until he is back on his feet then he’ll leave or do whatever she wants.)
• Hides their money.
• Criticizes everything she does to make her afraid she cannot make it without him.
• Embarrasses her at her workplace—Antagonizes her employers, hoping she gets fired.
• Stalks her relentlessly, to wear her down so she will return to him.
• Drags her to court for minor and made-up claims to drain her energy and finances.
• Uses the children to hurt her.
• Hurts the children to punish her.
• Murders her and/or her children. (women who leave are 70% more likely to be murdered—often within the first 6 months)

To survive, victims have to face the fact that they cannot change their partners. They have to admit that the heady honeymoon period would never last. Then they must learn how to shore themselves up against their exes' stunts.

What worked for me was to imagine myself standing outside the drama my ex created. I made a mental list of what kind of antics my ex would most likely use, giving them a title (i.e. The Woe Is Me. The You Are a Bad Mother). I watched for these expected behaviors and ticked them off my list when they showed up.  Thinking of it that way, I didn’t engage or succumb to the emotions. I breathed deeply and didn’t react to his attempts to rile me. It took some practice, unfortunately, I had plenty of opportunities to practice.

It helped to develop a set statement to tell myself when the vacillating dance music began playing.

“I’ve been here before too many times. He is doing and saying the same things he always has. He’s made no effort to change. I cannot change him, save him or do the work for him. If he valued our relationship and wanted to change, he would have gone into treatment and followed the program. He has not, so he will not change.”

When I accepted the fact that the only one I could change was me, I started focusing on my future and discovered the highs of achieving my goals.

To those struggling with this decision: If you think you cannot do it, consider all the hard work you have put into this relationship. If you turn your focus on yourself, you will see results because you are a willing participant.

It is a struggle to take back control of our lives after all the years spent being told we were inept and that no one cared about us or would help us. These lies need to be yanked out by the roots. We are not stupid and there is help through local shelters or at the National Domestic Violence Hot Line at 800.799.7233. If you aren’t working with a therapist trained in domestic abuse treatment, find one or a support group. There are also lots of survivors on Facebook, willing to give you emotional support and share what they have learned in public or private groups.

It’s not easy to make the decision to stay out. Don’t beat yourself up if this is the second, fourth, or tenth time you’ve left. Just let this time be the last.



* I use the pronoun “he” as the abuser and “she” as the victim because that was my experience and for ease of clarity in my writing. We know that men can also be victims.

I'd Like to be the One to See You Through

Janis Ian sings a sorrow-filled, haunting song called From Me to You where she says: 

I’m  leaving by night

I’m leaving alone

I’m leaving it lie

When you waken I’ll be gone

I would not beg for me

As I would not beg for you

Though I’d like to be the one to see you through

It’s that last line that echoed in my head after I left my abuser. It’s one of the reasons we stay or are drawn back into unhealthy relationships. We’d like to be the one to see him through his inner struggle.

Many of us saw the vulnerable, pain-filled spirit inside our partners. We felt compassion. We spent 10, 20, maybe 45 years trying to heal his pain. We felt guilty that we were not successful. We didn’t want to give up on him. Couldn’t imagine anything worse then giving up on someone. He’d told us stories of how family and previous lovers had let him down. We wanted to be the one that stood by him, put our arms around him and assured him that everything would be okay. We wanted to save him, thinking that if we could do that, it would prove that we were worthy. (but that’s another blog)

It didn’t seem like an insurmountable task. He wanted to be treated with respect. We could do that. He wanted devotion, an eager sexual partner, children and a stable home. We could do that. After all, we wanted the same for ourselves. The answer seemed simple. All we had to do was love him unconditionally. Give him time to see that we were trustworthy, weren’t going to take advantage of him.

The problem was he wasn’t willing and saw no need to reciprocate. 

Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” talks about Emotional Bank Accounts (EBA) between people. Kind words and actions fill the other’s EBA, harsh words empty it. If you have a friend who is always late for your lunch dates, you think, “She doesn’t value our relationship.” and you feel hurt and angry. If you have a friend who is never late, but this one time she is, instead of being angry you are apt to be worried. She’s made enough deposits into your EBA that one mishap doesn’t drain it. 

In a relationship where one person is doing all the giving and yielding to the other and rarely, if ever, receiving it isn’t long before their EBA is empty. Abuser’s don’t recognize others’ feelings. They don’t get it. According to our logic, if our partner treats us with love and respect, we would return the love a hundred fold, giving him the devotion he craves. We’d knock ourselves out to meet his needs and express our love in a million small and grand ways. We’d be that enthusiastic lover he talks about.

Controllers believe they get what they want because they demand it. Abusers logic tells them that if they treat us with respect they would become vulnerable. It would be giving in, becoming pussy-whipped, losing the battle between the sexes. How would that look to their friends? 

My partner talked a lot in terms of the war between the sexes. The concept was foreign to me. The more I tried to prove that I wasn’t in a power struggle with him the more adamant he became. He assured me that if given a chance I’d become a controlling bitch and made it known that he, not me, would be in charge at any cost. 

When our Emotional Bank Accounts run out, hopefully, we leave. An aching sadness comes with the realization that love doesn’t conquer all. It can never drive out the abuser’s need for absolute control. That is something the abuser has to relinquish on his own, then decide if he’s willing to do the work it takes to heal the pain inside him and relearn how to treat others. If the relationship isn’t important enough to him to go into treatment, there is nothing we can do. We can’t heal another. We can accompany him on his journey and be supportive, but not fix him. If it’s a journey he’s not willing to take, we have to do what’s necessary to save ourselves. 

Another song was popular around the time I left, “Sunshine” by the Isley Brothers. One line became an ear-worm to keep me strong: 

You can’t even run your own life, 

I’ll be damned if you’ll run mine. 

It took a while to understand that I didn’t have to be “the one.” All I had to do was be who I was and move on when it was time. We are all influenced and shaped by the variety of people who move in and out of our lives. No one person is our everything, and we cannot be someone else’s everything.

Forgiving Yourself

This could be the shortest bog I’ll ever write -- you have nothing to forgive. End of post.

While it’s the truth, you and I know it’s not that easy. It can take some time to internalize this knowledge. Still, when we think we’ve got it, some thought twirls up through the darkness of our past to needle us. “Maybe if I had stood up to him sooner.” “I should have left earlier.” “I let myself and children get into that mess.” All statements that blame us for something we couldn’t do or if we had done, would not have made a difference.

Having spent years believing that we were responsible for all the problems, our minds were on a spinning carousel searching for a way to make things better. We were convinced that we could make sense of things, so we could fix the relationship. There was no answer to be found because our partners were intentionally inconsistent to keep us off balance. They knew that as long as we were focused on trying to figure out what they wanted and expected, we wouldn’t have an opportunity to step back and see how outrageous they were treating us and leave them.

 Combine that with the constant battering of our self-esteem (teaching us that we are incompetent)--learned helplessness sets in. Scientists discovered that when an animal, trapped in a painful situation for a period of time, is given a way to avoid the pain it doesn’t take that opportunity. In the same manner humans who have had so many bad things happen that are beyond their control become exhausted and give up. They began to think, “Why bother. Nothing I do will make things better, anyway.” Learned helplessness. 

That was a lot to wrestle with, let alone find our way to freedom. But we did. We left.

Finding a safe place to live, work and raise our kids was a struggle. Those daily needs had to be a priority to survive, so we kept putting one foot in front of the other. Did we give ourselves credit for surviving? Did we see the magnificence of our efforts and achievements?  I hope so.

Out of the immediate danger, we believe we’ve come to terms with the truth--our former relationship would never have changed. However, inside our head that carousel is still turning. The feeling that we were responsible for the problems hasn’t left us. Nasty “I” statements that blame us for the whole mess haunt us. Let’s look at a few.

I let myself get into the relationship. We met a guy who lied to us about who he was. He played games with us. Told us what he knew we wanted to hear. How could we know that he wasn’t sincere? We couldn’t. Only time would tell us that. Just like a sleazy salesman, he put an unspoken time limit on his glowing offer of himself. Feeling very much in love, we rejoiced in his desire to be a couple and didn’t want to miss out on what appeared as a wonderful opportunity. Did we know this rushing into coupledom is a red flag. Not then. We do, now. We ended up in this relationship because we were tricked. That doesn’t make us stupid, it makes us human. We’ve learned an important lesson. Someone who really cares about us will give us the time we need to make a good decision about our future.

I put my kids through that. You did not make their home unsafe, your partner did. All you had control over was yourself--being the best Mom you could be under the circumstances. Your partner had the responsibility to cooperate with you to create a safe and loving home. You are not responsible for your partner’s behavior. You did the best you knew how to do at that time. Now you know better and will do better.  Seeing you leave the relationship and build a new life was, and is, an important lesson for your children.

I stayed too long. The relationship may have become too deadly, painful or you realized that things were not going to change. What ever the reason was, you left. You may wish that you had done it sooner, but you couldn’t leave until you were ready. Only you could determine when it’s time. Now that you know the red flags of an unhealthy relationship, you’re less likely to end up in another or if you do you will leave sooner.

When those self-doubts strut into our thoughts, let’s greet them with the truth- “I am sad that my children and I went through a terrible situation. I am not responsible for my former partner’s bad behavior. There was nothing I could do to change him. End of discussion. Go away.”

PTSD - Who Me?

When an idea for a blog comes, I’ve learned to jot it down immediately and a little description of my intention. Otherwise, by the time I start to write I have no idea what I was thinking. Too many middle-of-the-night, writing-in-the-dark, indecipherable-scribbles have taught me to get up and go to the computer to make notes.

For several months, I’ve had a document called “Healing from the Numbness” on my desktop. I’d planned to talk about how many of us used numbness to cope with the constraints of the abuse. Our abusers trained us to let go of our desire to pursue the things we enjoyed and instilled this habit in us by linking pain to any attempt we made to thrive. We learned to go numb, saying, "It really doesn't matter, anyway." When we left the relationship, the habit remained. Many of us have said, “I don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t know what to do with my life.” In my blog, I’d planned to talk about rediscovering our gifts and talents. About coming alive, reminding ourselves that we can go out to lunch with friends, see a move, take a painting class, be spontaneous. Especially, do things to show ourselves that we can set and pursue our goals and be rewarded not punished.

Somehow I could never get myself to write this blog. Other ideas seemed to stand up and wave their arms at me like eager kindergardeners, “Do me first!” They shouted. It was a good thing I waited, (a divine thing, as in, it was meant to be) While what I’d been thinking of writing is valid, the numbness concept for me has expanded.

Over dinner with a girlfriend one evening, I told her how after a speaking engagement it seems to take me longer and longer to shake off the darkness of my abuse experience. The heaviness, that once faded in the few minutes it took me to drive home, was now lingering for about 3 days. During this time, I had a hard time concentrating on anything, felt excessively tired and had to push myself to get things done. It felt like my brain had numbed out and refused to function. My husband, noticed the change in me.

My friend, a therapist, looked at me over a forkful of pasta, and said, “Were you ever treated for PTSD?”

When I left my ex no one knew about PTSD. I never considered that it was a problem for me. Really hadn’t been, so I thought. Good grief, the terrifying nightmares stopped about 25 years ago! If my ex does show up in a dream, he’s innocuous and I feel no fear. When I remember or talk about something that had happened, I'm not filled with fear or feel like I’m reliving the experience, but say to myself, “He did a cruel and terrible thing to me. It was not okay. That was then. This is now.” Didn’t that mean I had it licked?

My friend referred me to a therapist who works with those struggling with PTSD. I was tested. While talking with my therapist, I recounted a recent incident where I felt trapped in a car with an enraged driver - the trigger that change things. Being an advocate of touching base with a mental health expert as needed, I’m in treatment and discovering more about this numbing-out coping mechanism. 

At first I was stunned that I found myself in that car at that moment. Yes, and a little angry with myself. But, honestly, we can learn to recognize clear signs of danger and back away from people who are potentially violent. However, we can’t assume that everyone who shows signs of stubbornness, narcissism, anger (or any of the unflattering traits we all possess to some degree), are going choose a dangerous response under stress. Apparently, I’d forgotten that. This incident reminded me that all of us can find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation. People are going to act out, unexpectedly. When it happens we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not seeing some sign, just move ourselves to a place that is safe. We can learn techniques to prevent one episode from sending us back into the darkness. Then celebrate how far we’ve come. We saw it. We faced it. We didn't take responsibility for what happened. We put the blame where it belonged and sought help from a therapist- if needed, then moved on.

There is alway more I can learn about the affects and effects of domestic violence. I’ll be sharing insights as things progress. Stay tuned...

Comments are always welcome. Click on the Comment link below.

Standing Strong After You Leave (Part 3)

In the last two posts we looked at how we can stand strong against our abuser’s attempts to continue the relationship by turning on the Mr. Wonderful act and playing games with us to gain our sympathy and lure us back. In this final post, we’ll look at how we can respond to our ex’s attempts to re-establish their power position.

Lacking power in our former relationship, we spent a lot of time justifying ourselves durring our partners’ interrogation and accusations. Over the years, it became rote. Without missing a beat, our immediate response is to explain and defend ourselves.

After leaving our partners, we do not have to listen to or respond to their interrogations. And we shouldn’t. Abusers often aren’t interested in our responses anyway. We know they will never see our point of view or change theirs. We also know that our partners excel at twisting our words to make us sound crazy, stupid and inept. Their intention is to use this interaction to stir up the self-debasing messages they’ve planted in us, making us feel inadequate, fearful and powerless. By re-creating the unequal balance of power environment, they believe they have more leverage to bully us into complying with their demands. The best way to avoid this is to not converse with them. 

One of my therapists helped me develop what she called Broken Record Responses, pat replies designed to end a conversation politely and firmly. These did not include any information about me, my plans for the future or give any opening that allowed for further inquiry or response from my ex. We know that any information we give our exes can provide them with areas where we are vulnerable, opening us up to attack. You owe your ex no information beyond what the court orders you to disclose. 

Below are some examples you can use to put an end to the conversation. Develop statements that are unique to your situation. When your ex tries to start a conversation or provoke you, use the broken record response that fits. If he persists, repeat it once more, then walk away. 

• “The children and I are fine. Thank you for your concern.” 

• “I have it under control.” 

• “You can direct your questions and concerns to my attorney.” 

• “I’ll take that up with my attorney.”

It’s important to remain firm and direct with your ex. Never waste your time arguing with him. Keeping your focus on him is exactly what he wants. The longer he can keep you engaged the longer he will continue to play games with you. Over time, your ex will get tired of hearing the broken record responses and know that his tactics will no longer work with you.

In closing, I want to say, I love Taylor Swift’s song “We are never, ever ever ever getting back together, like never.” I find it empowering.

What worked for you? Click on the comments link below and share your thoughts with us.

Set Your Wings

My husband and I took Watson, our dog, for a walk in a local park. As we rounded a corner leading to a duck filled pond, my husband said, “Look.” He pointed to a flock of birds flying overhead. “Watch as they set their wings to come in to land on the pond.” As he predicted, they all held their wings steady and gently glided down to the occupied pond. Each one landing among the floating ducks without disrupting any. 

This was an aha moments for me. I’ve been reading a lot about the power of intention lately. Gary Zukav talks about it in his book “The Seat of the Soul.” Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer and others. They have a lot to say about it, starting with knowing we can live with the intention to be kind and loving or angry and frustrated. On to asking for the right partner, job or situation to come into our lives. This is not a new concept. The Bible tells us to ask, seek, knock, and trust that it will be so. The more difficult of those for me is trust.

As I’ve struggled with this belief over the years, I’ve learned that we can also put our intention into hopeless places, hanging on to wishes and dreams that are not in our best interest or are thwarted by other’s intentions. 

Years ago, I thought my intention  to create a happy, loving, mutually fulfilling marriage was reasonable.  It was. However, I included a caveat that it would be with someone who was not a willing participant. I was intent on beating the odds that our marriage would work out. I tried to manifest my vision from a anxious, grasping, hang-on-at-all-costs mind-set. I was so determined to save that marriage that I couldn’t see the damage it was doing to me as well as my children. When I had exhausted all my energy, I faced the truth that I would never have the kind of marriage I’d hoped for with this person. His vision was vastly different from mine. When I surrendered my will to God’s, the marriage ended.

I didn’t lose the intention to live in a happy marriage, I just quit holding on to who I expected would be my partner. My mind-set was now from a place of peace and trust. I set my wings, and rode the breath of God to my current husband. Every day I am grateful for him and cherish every moment we share.

Along the same line, we can set our intention to work in a job that matches and fuels our passion in life, or one that just keeps bread on the table but sucks all the joy out of us. The choice is ours alone. I believe that we come to this earth with a God-given passion inside us. Sometimes we get side-tracked and we feel frustrated and unhappy. We can aim to find a job that fulfills us by keeping our options open to what that job might be. Then pay attention to open doors and whispered directions from our spirit, guiding us to opportunities, paid and unpaid. It takes trust. 

• Trust that each job or activity provides us with a skill we’ll need for that perfect job.

• Trust in our intuition (our gut) as we pick between opportunities.

• Trust that we will arrive at exactly the right place at the right time with the right skills.

The duck landing was a beautiful example for relaxing into a new year. We can set our intention, then quit flapping around. We’ll weather the difficulties and neither let self-doubts take us off course nor do we try to fly faster. We let things unfold in their own time as we slide into our God-given purpose on this earth. All we have to do is stay open and aware. All will be well.

 I’ve set my wings for the New Year. How about you?