What To Say to a Victim of Abuse

Last month we heard from two survivors of domestic violence. They shared the painful comments they received from others when they disclosed that they were in abusive relationships. This month let’s look at what victims need to hear from their families and friends. 

The best thing a friend or family member can do is to listen to and confirm the victim's feelings. 

“I’m sorry this happened to you.”

Victims need to know that you believe them. You may be totally shocked and have never seen any signs. It’s easy to respond with “I can’t believe it” when taken by surprise. If you do, stop yourself and confirm that you believe she is telling the truth and you are in her corner.

If you are not surprised, be kind with your words. Telling her you saw it coming or you were aware of it all along, can be hurtful and make her feel more foolish than she already does. The above statement is enough. Let her talk, and you listen.

Be careful not to demonize the perpetrator. Stay with confirming that his behavior was wrong. If you attack him, she may feel the need to protect him and not take steps to leave. 

Let her experience her own anger. Confirm her right to her feelings. Refrain from becoming angry and going off on a tirade. If you do, you will be carrying her anger for her. She needs to feel it and deal with it herself. Let her know that you are a safe person to whom she can express her feeling.

 “You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

Victims have been brainwashed to believe that the abuse is their fault. There may have been times when she fought back, making her feel she participated in the violence, even provoked it. We know that women fight back only in an attempt to protect themselves or their children. 

“The abuse is not your fault.”

Perpetrators pick apart everything a victim does or says and constantly criticize them. Victims internalize this and feel shame—believing they are inherently inadequate and incapable. Remind her that she is not responsible for his violent choices—he is.

“You deserve better.”

Remind her of all the wonderful things about her. Her abuser has been telling her how worthless and stupid she is. Help her see her gifts and abilities. 

Additional ways to help:

• Call the police immediately if you witness any abuse.
• Offer to help her find a shelter or do the research on your own so you are ready to help in an emergency.
• Offer to let her call for help from your cell or home phone when she is ready to reach out for help.
• Ask if it is okay for you to take pictures of any bruising or injuries on her. Print them, write the date on the back and keep them in a safe place. They can be used as evidence, later.
• Keep a dated list of abuse that you have witnessed. It can be helpful if she goes to court.
• Note on your calendar dates when you saw bruising on her. Include the location on her body, its size, and color. Again this helps prove ongoing abuse and can result in a longer sentence for the perpetrator.
• See the Safety Planning information in the tab at the top of this page. Go over the information together. Offer to keep a suitcase of her clothing and important documents at your house should she need to leave her home quickly. Have a signal that tells you she is in danger and you should call the police.

Abusers can be very dangerous. Those who have never used physical violence may do so when the victim is trying to leave. Never put yourself in danger by confronting the abuser. Even if you think you can reason with him, you can’t. Most likely, your good intention will give the perpetrator an excuse to attack the victim or you.

Standing with a victim who is struggling to decide whether or not to leave can be difficult. You know she should leave, but she may not be ready to make that move for many logical reasons. If you cheerlead her out of the relationship before she is ready to stay out, she will most likely return to him. Feeling she has let you down will add to her already burgeoning guilt. She doesn’t need that. Let her know that you will continue to love her and will respect her decision even if you disagree.

It takes courage to walk with a friend through domestic abuse. It may weigh heavy on you. If so, shelter hotlines or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-7997233) can be a resource to give you guidance and support as you help your friend.

Helping someone else should never hurt you. If you feel overwhelmed, take care of yourself. Give your friend the number for the shelter and the national hotline. There are others who are trained to work with victims. You can be the seed planter and let the professionals take over.

Safety Planning for Adults and Teens

Whether you stay with a controlling partner or leave, it’s important that you plan for your safety (as well as your children’s safety).

If you are like I was, you’ve run the gamut of “fixes” and nothing has worked. Feeling helpless, in an effort to cope, we try to ignore, deny or minimize what is happening. The danger of going numb is that we may not be aware that the severity of the abuse continues to escalate. If your partner hasn’t physically attacked you yet, there’s a good chance he or she will.

I’ve added a page: “Safety Planning” (see tab above). Adults or teens will find some detailed advice on whether they plan to leave or continue in the controlling relationship.

Below are some general suggestions.

If You Chose to Stay

You know the indicators that your partner is heading toward a violent tirade or battering episode. Some of my warning signals were: the sound of his firm and determined footsteps coming across the wooden porch, the way he postured himself to look large and menacing, his voice became low and measured, and his eyes darkened. 

As victims, we are more adept at reading our partners’ body language than we are at recognizing our own feelings. Yet, our bodies react to the impending verbal or physical attack with a number of signals: a knot in our chests or stomachs, trembling, relentless chatter in our minds, and stark terror—throwing us into fight or flight mode.

We may become paralyzed with fear, unable to run away. We didn’t fight back because past history showed us that whenever we tried to our partners met our attempts with harsher, more deadly violence. If you have a safety plan, you are prepared to react. You move into self-protection mode.  

Consider these questions as you develop your plan:

1. When things begin to escalate, how can you safely remove yourself from the location? 
2. Do you have a cellphone so you can call 911 if necessary?
3. Have you downloaded a DV app to notify friends and 911 if you are in danger? (https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/)
4. Do you have a neighbor who is willing to call the police if there is any indication that you are in trouble? 
5. Where can you go? Do you have family or friends to stay with? 
6. Do you know the location of your local shelter?
7. What do you need to take with you—i.e. Clothing, personal items, copies of important documents, money, and car keys? Have them packed and stored safely with a friend or family member.
8. Document all abuse, noting the date and what occurred. Take photos of any injuries, print them and write the date and details on the back. Keep this information in a safety deposit box or at a friend’s house. Your documentation is admissible in court to show ongoing abuse. 

If You Have Children

If you have children, plan for their safety, too. I was privileged to hear Olga Trujillo, a survivor of abuse, speak about growing up in a violent home. Her saving grace was a neighbor lady who welcomed Olga into her home to sit and talk. The neighbor heard the chaos from next door and was aware of Olga’s situation. The woman never trashed Olga’s father but talked to her about self-protection. She asked Olga where she could hide from her raging father until it was safe. Together they sang songs that Olga could sing softly while she hid. The songs distracted her from listening to the carnage. 

Developing a plan with your children gives them permission to protect themselves and not feel they have to try to stop daddy from hurting mommy. A plan gives them some control over the situation.

1. Help them find a safe place to hide until the danger has passed. It can be at a neighbor’s house or a hidden spot within the house. Have a code word that tells them when it is safe to come out. Let them practice moving to their “safe place” quickly.
2. Plan something to distract them from the tirade while they hide in the house: songs to sing, earphones, paper and crayons, books— items stashed there.
3. Teach them how and when to get help. Teach them how to dial 911 and give their address. Have a code word that tells them when to make that call.

If You Plan to Leave

It is especially important for victims to have help when planning to leave. The risk of death increases by 70% at that time. Partners who have never been physical can become physical batterers when their victims attempt to leave. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800- 799-7233) can assist you as you plan your exit. Your local shelter can provide you with an advocate to help you plan, leave safely and prepare to move through the court system for a No-Contact order or other legal issues. If you are in need of a place to live, the women’s shelter can house you or help you find housing. If finances are a concern, the shelter can often help you find needed resources.

Consider what safety measures are needed for protection:

1. If your partner has been removed from your home change your locks. Install an alarm system.
2. Download a DV app to notify your friends or 911 should you need help: https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/ 
3. Keep a trusted friend aware of your daily activities, where you are going, when you will return.
4. Keep a log of any unwanted contact with your ex.
5. Take photographs of any injuries, print them and write the date and other details on the back. Keep these in a safe place. Your documentation is admissible in court to prove ongoing abuse.
6. Notify teachers or any activity leader that your children are not to leave with your former partner.

See the Safety Planning tab above for more details.

If You are a Teen or Tween

Know that you deserve a relationship that makes your heart sing. If you are spending time crying over your partner and giving up who you are to please him or her, you are not in a healthy relationship. Someone who loves you will not call you names, embarrass you in front of others and insist on having his or her own way all the time. You can do better. I promise this is not the only person you will ever love, and he or she is definitely not the only one who will ever love you.

• Tell your parents, a friend, a counselor, a clergyman, or someone else whom you trust and who can help. The more isolated you are from friends and family, the more control the abuser has over you.
• Download a DV app to notify your parents, friends, or 911 should you need help: https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/ 
• Alert the school counselor or security. They can watch out for you.
• Plan and rehearse what you would do if your partner became abusive.
• Keep a daily log of the abuse. Include the date, time, what happened, and photos of any injuries.
• Break up with him or her in the safest way—by text message.
• Do not meet your partner alone. Do not let him or her into your home or car when you are alone.
• Avoid being alone at school, at your job, or on the way to and from places.
• Tell someone where you are going and when you plan to return.
• Report stalking to the police.

Never believe that you have to go through this alone because no one cares about you. There is help. It is important to have a community of support. Reach out.

Return or Stay Out?

Should I return or stay out? While it sounds like a simple question with an easy answer, those of us who have been in violent relationships know it to be extremely complicated. In my blog (Why Victims Stay or Return to Their Abusers) I address many of the reasons why victims stay or return. In this post, I want to focus on another component that draws us into that vacillation dance, the honeymoon period.

Part of the reason leaving is such a difficult decision is based on the Cycle of Abuse (See tab above). Abusive relationships are filled with emotional highs and lows. As the tension stage builds toward the battering incident, the victim tries desperately to appease her* habitually disgruntled partner. Knowing that she will not be successful, she slides into numbness to avoid the fear of what is to come, and it does. Her partner explodes and brutally terrorizes her. Afterward, the couple moves into the honeymoon period, where the abuser apologizes and promises to change. During the honeymoon period, there is relief from the victim’s pain. She experiences joy, and happiness that he wants and needs her so much. It’s like falling in love all over again. She feels alive and believes battering will never happen again.

Survivors know that it is not a circle, it’s a spiral. It will happen again and again, with the incidents coming more often and the severity of the abuse more dangerous.

A violent incident often becomes the last straw, and we leave the relationship. We are finished. However, our partners move on to do the dance of the honeymoon period, where they attempt to woo us back. They become Mr. Wonderfuls, the guys we first met. They tell us they are sorry and pull out all the old tricks they have used to hook us and hold us in the relationship. We receive letters professing their love. They make promises that they will do whatever is necessary to bring us back. They join AA or a church. They even use our children to intercede on their behalf. They will say or do whatever they need to, to make us return. Though, they have no intention of following through with their promises. They didn't the last time, and they won't this time.

Meanwhile, we slid into numbness. That critical voice in our heads attacks us, saying we can never survive on our own. We can't support our children on our own. He will find a way to take our children away from us. All his threats spin through our minds. Our lives feel like an endless nightmare. We long for relief. That heady feeling from the honeymoon period temps us to return. Maybe this time things will be different.

If victims stop themselves amid the negative chatter and go to that quiet place in their gut, they will hear the truth—if they return things will not change. The abuse will continue and their self-esteem will be decimated.

When victims return, abusers, feel victorious, believing they now have the right to hold the reins of control tighter, demanding more and limiting their partners’ freedoms. They will often punish their partners for making them kowtow to woo them back.  Also, victims must understand that the abuse will escalate and spill over onto their children. The end result may be death for the victims and, in many cases, their children.

When an ex understands that his victim will not be wooed back, he will do whatever it takes to make her life hell. This includes:

• Telling lies to others so the victim looks like the bad partner.
• Creating chaos around her to keep her off-balance and not be able to think clearly, hoping to wear her down so she gives up and returns.
• Coming up with a sob story to lure her back or get a toe in the door. (He wants to stay in the house with her. It’s just until he is back on his feet then he’ll leave or do whatever she wants.)
• Hides their money.
• Criticizes everything she does to make her afraid she cannot make it without him.
• Embarrasses her at her workplace—Antagonizes her employers, hoping she gets fired.
• Stalks her relentlessly, to wear her down so she will return to him.
• Drags her to court for minor and made-up claims to drain her energy and finances.
• Uses the children to hurt her.
• Hurts the children to punish her.
• Murders her and/or her children. (women who leave are 70% more likely to be murdered—often within the first 6 months)

To survive, victims have to face the fact that they cannot change their partners. They have to admit that the heady honeymoon period would never last. Then they must learn how to shore themselves up against their exes' stunts.

What worked for me was to imagine myself standing outside the drama my ex created. I made a mental list of what kind of antics my ex would most likely use, giving them a title (i.e. The Woe Is Me. The You Are a Bad Mother). I watched for these expected behaviors and ticked them off my list when they showed up.  Thinking of it that way, I didn’t engage or succumb to the emotions. I breathed deeply and didn’t react to his attempts to rile me. It took some practice, unfortunately, I had plenty of opportunities to practice.

It helped to develop a set statement to tell myself when the vacillating dance music began playing.

“I’ve been here before too many times. He is doing and saying the same things he always has. He’s made no effort to change. I cannot change him, save him or do the work for him. If he valued our relationship and wanted to change, he would have gone into treatment and followed the program. He has not, so he will not change.”

When I accepted the fact that the only one I could change was me, I started focusing on my future and discovered the highs of achieving my goals.

To those struggling with this decision: If you think you cannot do it, consider all the hard work you have put into this relationship. If you turn your focus on yourself, you will see results because you are a willing participant.

It is a struggle to take back control of our lives after all the years spent being told we were inept and that no one cared about us or would help us. These lies need to be yanked out by the roots. We are not stupid and there is help through local shelters or at the National Domestic Violence Hot Line at 800.799.7233. If you aren’t working with a therapist trained in domestic abuse treatment, find one or a support group. There are also lots of survivors on Facebook, willing to give you emotional support and share what they have learned in public or private groups.

It’s not easy to make the decision to stay out. Don’t beat yourself up if this is the second, fourth, or tenth time you’ve left. Just let this time be the last.



* I use the pronoun “he” as the abuser and “she” as the victim because that was my experience and for ease of clarity in my writing. We know that men can also be victims.