Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Moving Myself Up the "People Who Deserve Happiness" List



Have you found yourself at the bottom of, or left off of, the People Who Deserve Happiness list? Let me clarify what I mean by happiness. It’s the right to do that which feeds your spirit -- what you believe you were placed on this tiny amazing planet, in this tiny remarkable place, to do. I know happiness is the journey, not the destination. I’m talking about the right to pursue your dream, your mission. Whatever it be. (If you believe you were meant to be a serial killer, child -or any kind of - abuser, or if you’re an aspiring dictator - I’m not talking to you. Go away.)
Many of us were raised using shame and guilt. “If you were a good girl/boy, you would (or wouldn’t)....” We were told that no one would like us if we didn’t keep our room clean, our mouths shut, and put others first. There’s the rub. We were indoctrinated to put our needs and wants on hold, while helping other achieve theirs. The result for us -- a free-fall to the bottom of, or off of, the People Who Deserve Happiness list.
From there it was an easy step for me to marry a controlling man who expected his needs to be met on demand. When I’d ask, “Hey, what about me? When is it my turn?” He’d call me selfish and uppity. He made it clear that “my time” would never come.
Eventually, I quit asking. 
When I left my abuser, I didn’t know what I wanted or needed. It took time to rediscover my passion in life -- then to feel that pursuing my passion was equally as important as it was for others to pursue theirs. It was a process of learning to feel comfortable taking care of myself. How do I not become a bully? When are my needs top priority? When do I acquiesce to others and for how long?
Let’s let this blog be a place where we can talk about how we are relearning to value ourselves, feed our spirits, and grow into our intended selves. How we can claim our happiness, while still respecting, caring for and loving others. And, of course, let’s discuss any of your questions or thoughts related to my book, “But He’ll Change; End the Thinking that Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship.”
I hope you will join me on this journey.