Many of us grew up with parents who taught us never to break promises, to always put ourselves last, and to hurt no one’s feelings if we wanted people to like us. We learned there was no going back once we’ve given our word, no reneging, no matter what the cost to ourselves or what circumstances arise. Everyone else’s feelings were more important than our own. We were selfish if we thought otherwise.
Carrying all those messages, we shuffled into situations that ranged from minor annoyances to dangerous ones. So, we meet that chatterbox friend for lunch; agree to an activity only because we had no excuse and nothing on our calendar; continue to go to that book group because we don’t want to hurt the members’ feelings by leaving. We stay in stressful jobs and unhappy, or worse, violent relationships.
For those of us who have freed ourselves from a toxic relationship, those messages remain and can continue to hem us in situations that we don’t enjoy. Many of us came away not knowing what we truly enjoyed. Others never took our interests into consideration or stampeded over them when we expressed them. Without reevaluating our likes and dislikes, we may find ourselves in another relationship that sends up red flags, leaving us with the question, “should I stay or leave?” The desire to make the relationship work can be strong because we don’t want to be seen as a failure.
We’ll return to this topic later.
Let’s first consider our involvement in something less toxic; a book club we’ve lost interest in, a committee that drains us, or an annoying person who demands our time. In these situations, it’s time to ask ourselves what are we getting out of this job, activity, or friendship? If it’s not feeding our soul, it’s time to let it go. But how do we do that? It’s hard to quit.
An article, The Good Quit, by Kathryn Drury Wagner,* in Spirituality and Health magazine has some helpful suggestions. She examines the struggle that many of us experienced when we can’t seem to walk away from a job, activity, or relationship that no longer serves us.
How do we know when it’s time to quit?
Wagner suggests we examine our answers to these clarifying questions:
- Am I finding this activity enjoyable?
- Do I dread going to this activity?
- Is there something I can do to change why I dislike this activity?
- Am I continuing this activity for fear I will upset or hurt someone’s feelings?
- Am I getting anything worthwhile from this?
- Am I staying in the activity for fear of change?
- Am I doing this for myself or someone else?
A thoughtful assessment of our feelings and needs can direct us to make reasonable adjustments or choose to exit. If the answers point us to leaving, a new question arises.
How do we quit?
Wagner suggests a lovely closing statement to remove yourself from that book group or committee: “I have enjoyed my time in this group, but I’m feeling pulled to do something new in my life.”
If we are ending time with our coffee date/lunch friend, we can adapt the above to: “I’m becoming more involved in _____ so I will have less time for coffee dates. I have enjoyed our time together.” Or “I have less time to socialize now, so I will have less time for coffee dates.”
Those work fine in most cases, however, If you’ve found yourself in another controlling relationship, the sooner you end it the easier, and safer it will be. If you can safely and clearly say that the relationship is not working for you, do so. (Consider doing it when others are present and your partner is less likely to hurt you.) If you are afraid of your partner’s reaction, end the relationship over the phone or by email. Contact the police if this person is stalking, harassing, or threatening you. Document any attempts your former partner makes to contact or harass you. Never take a threat lightly.
You have the right to decide what activities or relationships you want to continue, and which you chose to end. You are not responsible for how others respond to the boundaries you choose to set. Some may try to guilt you.
What about the guilt?
Wagner has an answer for guilt as well. She listed several affirmations to support a good quit. Among them were:
- I’m going to be happier and healthier by making this change.
- Time is precious, and I spend it carefully.
- Every day, I’m empowered to run my own life.
- Taking control of my time makes me feel strong.
- Today I dismiss any worries about moving on.
- As of today, I only engage in activities that truly nourish me.
Using these techniques, we can examine our pattern of over-committing or miss-committing ourselves and change our lives. We will also feel better about having control of what we do and who we see. We take care of our own feelings and allow others to deal with theirs.
Before pledging our precious time to anything, we should ask ourselves if it lifts our spirits and ignites our interest? Will we come away enriched or worn down?
Now we come back to after we’ve left a controlling relationship. Those relationships left us exhausted, worn out, and often feeling numb. After the breakup is not the time to commit ourselves to any requests, even those made by well-meaning friends. It’s time to find a therapist trained in working with those who have experienced violent relationships. A person who can help us rediscover our needs and desires, and to show us how to maintain our necessary duties and make time for rest.
I’ve learned to block days out on my calendar, designated days to just be, do my thing, watch a movie, relax, or take a nap. Now and then, a week fills up with “stuff” that must be done. Those weeks take their toll on me. But, I’m better at taking care of myself. That is my hope for you.
- Spirituality & Health May/June 2021
