Sacred Stories

Since the beginning of humankind, stories have been an integral part of our lives. Before language our ancestors drew pictures on cave walls, depicting their activities. With language skills, they sat around campfires, an appointed elder relating tales of those who had come before.

We are in the season of remembering scary stories. A time some of us recall how God demonstrated great love for his people through the miracle of a flame burning for 8 days. Others the story of a baby born in Bethlehem and a guiding star. Many remember their ancestors’ journey from slavery to freedom. Stories that speak to the heart of who we are and where we’ve come from, giving us a sense of our connections, emboldening us, and comforting us.

I know many of you are going through a difficult time. Holidays can trigger feelings of loneliness and depression. My wish for you is that you will find comfort and joy in remembering the sacred stories of those who paved the way for you. That you will hold them in your heart this season and throughout the new year. 

Your life also has sacred stories from your struggles and victories. Take a moment to remember how you’ve grown in this last year. You may not be where you’d like to be in your life, but you have taken steps in that direction. Celebrate those. Know that you are on the right track. 

This is the season to anticipate and renew our faith in a better future. This is a season to reclaim hope. May it be so for all of us.

Emotional Bank Account on Empty

The day came when I felt empty. I had nothing left to give to the relationship. I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. All the dreams and hopes I’d held going into the marriage were dashed on the rocks of reality. I was no longer afraid of leaving because I was already dead inside.

During my healing process, I came across the term Emotion Bank Account (EBA), ‘… a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.” (1)

Kind words, respect, kept promises, thoughtful acts, listening, and being on time are some of the behaviors that make deposits into an EBA. Trust is built between you on the demonstration of your honesty, commitment, and dependability. If your partner makes a statement that could be taken in a hurtful way, you know him or her well enough to understand the real intention of the comment. If your friend is late for an outing with you, you become concerned instead of angry because you know your friend would not deliberately blow you off.

Disparaging and disrespectful comments, interruptions, disregard for the other’s time, physical or emotional attacks, and betraying trust are a few of the behaviors that drain EBAs. Relationships do not thrive on these behaviors, they shrivel up and die. 

When I learned about the Cycle of Abuse, I had an aha moment. The honeymoon stage, where the abuser becomes contrite and loving, reoccurs just often enough to throw a few bones of hope that things will change for the starving victim.(2) I remember how grateful I felt to receive any kindness—grateful enough to stay a little longer. Since the cycle grows shorter and the honeymoon period almost or does fade away, it was no wonder that I became an empty shell. 

Had my EBA been filled, I would have had something to give back, from a reservoir of confidence, self-esteem, safety, and trust. As it was, there was nothing left to give. When he asked why I left him, I told him he had continually hacked off chunks of the love I had for him until it was gone. He had thrown our life away one handful after another. I knew he didn’t understand since he had little regard for my feelings.

As I thought about the EBA concept, I realized that we also have an EBA with ourselves. I began to look at what kind of deposits was I making into mine. Here’s where that inner critic can sabotage our emotional health. Is our self-talk disparaging or encouraging? Do we expect only the worst outcome from any given situation or the best?  Do we read uplifting and encouraging materials and limit those that are disturbing or violent? Do we respect the needs of our bodies for sleep, exercise, and nutrition? I have a notecard on my desk that says: “The most important promises to keep are the ones you make to yourself.” Are we learning to trust and respect ourselves? If we take care of our own EBA we will be less likely to put up with those who attempt to drain them.

We also have EBAs with our children. Nurturing them is paramount in their emotional growth. It’s important to catch them being good and tell them so. Being trustworthy, honest, and kind not only build a solid relationship with our children but also teaches them how to treat others. Opportunities to help those in need also fills their EBAs with good feelings about themselves and build their self-esteem. 

Thinking about this reminds me of a parable of a man who takes a tour of hell. He discovers a long table filled with a bounty of delicious food. All the inhabitants of hell sat around the table. The problem was that each person had long spoons attached to where their hands should have been. They sat in eternity starving because they could not bring the bowl of the spoons up to their mouths to eat.

Next, the man went to tour heaven. To his surprise, he discovered the exact same scene. The people gathered around the table abundant with food and also had spoons attached to where their hands should have been. The difference was these heavenly beings were not trying to feed themselves, they were feeding the persons who sat across from them.

What kind of deposits are we making into other’s emotional bank accounts? What kind of deposits are we making into our own?

1. From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covy (© 1989 by Stephen R. Covey)
2. See the Cycle of Abuse tab at the top of this page.

Learned Stress

When we experience an occasional fearful situation, our brain directs the release of the flight or fight stress hormone, cortisol. When the danger subsides and we feel safe again, the flow of cortisol subsides. While this hormone is necessary when we are in imminent danger, a steady flow of it is not healthy.

Living in abusive relationships fight or flight is our constant companion. Every moment of every day we must be hyper-vigilant, trying to avoid the expected next blowup. Even after leaving the relationship, our bodies are not able to readily adjust to the fact that the danger is over and turn off the fight or flight reaction. Feeling unsafe becomes our bodies’ norm. It is learned stress. 

When we add current events into the mix we find our health in danger. Our minds are constantly stewing about everything that is difficult in our lives and the world. We exhaust ourselves and feel paralyzed. We stop nurturing ourselves—or never start. Drugs, alcohol, or other addictions can enter the picture as a way to cope. However, they send us into numbness. In a sense, we stop experiencing the trauma but we also miss out on the happiness in our lives.

To heal, the body needs to recognize that the danger has passed and that we are now safe. 

Being gentle with ourselves and practicing self-care/compassion can move us in the right direction. I’ve been working on ways to ease the commotion in my brain and body. There are a lot of suggestions from the foremost minds in mental and physical health. Let me share with you the ones that work best for me.

The popularity of mindfulness is growing. Living in the present moment we can ask ourselves if we feel safe at this moment. When our minds spin off into the future “awfulizing” what could disrupt our peace, we bring it back to “I am safe at this moment.” When our mind spins off into the past, “I thought I was safe then, and look what happened,” again, we remind ourselves, “I am safe at this moment.” Working toward staying in the present can help calm the anxiety.

Part of the mindfulness practice includes taking time to sit quietly and listen to our breath. Deep restful breathing calms the body and mind. When our restless mind allows destructive thoughts to arise, we recognize them and then let them go without berating ourselves. Labeling them can help us step outside the thought and tell ourselves, “That is my fear of ending up in another abusive relationship. Now that I know the danger signs, I will walk away from anyone who doesn’t treat me with respect.” It takes some practice, but following our breath is helpful in times of stress.

I shoot for taking time to sit in the quiet or with some peaceful music every day. It doesn’t have to be a long period of time, just a few minutes to concentrate on my breath. It’s a good time to spend in prayer or meditation, quieting my thoughts. I’m still working on learning to observe any thoughts that arise and not become engaged in them. Some days are easier than others. On the harder days, I use guided meditation. (free meditations are available at www.meditationoasis.com—click on Listen— then Podcasts.)

Coloring books for adults are becoming popular. Coloring is also a mindful activity, that keeps you in the present moment instead of fretting. There are free mandalas available on the internet. Also coloring books from museums. (www.openculture.com/2017/02/free-coloring-books-from-world-class-libraries-museums.html)

When my mind is particularly active, I’ve found that journaling about my concerns is a good segue into the quiet. Spitting everything that is bothering me onto a blank page seems to help me put it to rest, allowing me to better concentrate on my work or go to sleep.

Sleep is way more important than I realized. When working and raising children, sleep is a luxury and the first thing that goes by the wayside while holding the head of a vomiting child or helping with the homework that is due tomorrow and forgotten until this very moment. We learned to exist on little sleep.  

Though there is no set rule, since our bodies are all different, it is suggested that we shoot for 7-8 hours. That meant I had to turn off the news and late-night talk shows and learn to fall asleep earlier than what had been my habit. It took some practice. Once settled, the restless brain syndrome (my made-up name for the problem) sets in. My brain throttles up and ruminates on everything and anything that frustrates or worries me. I swear, it would pick some tiny thing that would be a fluff of lint in the light of day and whip it up into an asteroid about to crash into the earth. Also, it would prod me to take a peek at the news just in case I was missing something really important. If neither of these worked, it would start throwing down odds that I was going to lay away until my “normal” bedtime, anyway. There has been a period of laying awake but I am settling into this new routine. I do feel better the next day which reinforces the change.

The light from our computers also affects our ability to go to sleep. That means shutting down our electronic devices at least an hour before bed. I’m working on turning off my electronics for the night after dinner. I’m not quite comfortable with this, yet. Picking up my phone or other device is a knee-jerk reaction. 

The way the brain constantly collects and processes data is amazing and no small feat now that we are besieged with information through electronics/social media. Something that used to be a catch-up-with-friends social time now inundates us with information that heightens our stress levels. Consider a day without it. Sunday is my day to feed my spirit. OWN's Soul Sunday, a cup of tea, a good book, and a sunny spot makes for a lovely day and does wonders for my harried brain. I didn’t realize how driven I was to keep up with everything. It was exhausting. I’m considering expanding my media fast to 2 days.

Exercise, yoga, and T’ai Chi are also great to help quiet the mind and keep the body supple and healthy. I like the app Yoga Studio. It’s free and has classes for different levels of ability. You can even put together your own class if you’d like. 

Let’s unlearn stress by nurturing our bodies and spirits every day. 

The War Between Men and Women

I don’t know where the belief that men and women are at war came from. I really didn’t know much about this concept before I married.

My vision for marriage was two people working together to build a safe and loving home for their children. They would be helpmates, and confidants, giving of themselves to make life better for one another. Creating the proverbial “soft place to land” for every member of the family.

I was stunned when words of confrontation spewed from my partner’s mouth. There was a war between the sexes he claimed. His overriding message was that he was going to get me before I got him. He accused me of fighting for domination over him, manipulating situations to make him look bad, betraying him, and creating a power struggle to beat him down and turn him into a wuss. Fighting? Domination? Manipulating? Betraying? Power struggles? I remember being dumbfounded at how he saw our relationship and who he believed I was. 

One day I asked, “Why does our marriage have to be a war?” His response was that the war between men and women had been going on forever. “Why?” I asked. He dismissed me as if I was an idiot.

Every day, like a wrestler, he’d stare me down as he circled the mat. I tried to explain that I was not at war with him—I was on his side. He insisted that I wasn’t. That I was playing him. He did all in his power to force me into a corner so I would fight. I refused to have any part of it.

The more hostel he became the more loving I became. I thought that would make a difference. After all, love can heal a wounded heart. I believed that if I continued to reassure him that I was not a threat to him, and if I returned love for his fury, he would come around. I mean, love always wins, doesn’t it? 

Being a people pleaser I bowed down and then bowed down lower until I became a doormat. That didn’t change anything. He still raged on. In the end, my response was what it always had been, I did nothing and said nothing more about it. All I could do was watch his hostility mushroom, escalating into a tempestuous storm.

Inside, I knew who I was and what my intentions were. He did, as abusers do, continue to tell me who I “really” was and what I was “really” thinking, summoning up an adversary to justify his hostility. I didn’t argue with him. It would have made no difference. Yet, I wondered, “If I’m so horrible, why does he stay with me?”

Why did I stay? I stayed with him until the pain of staying was greater than my fear of surviving on my own.

One of my favorite spiritual leaders is Sister Joan Chittister, a Benedictine nun. She spoke at my Presbyterian church a few years ago. I was thrilled to hear her again when Oprah interviewed her on Soul Sunday (OWN).

Sister Joan said, “Nothing is going to change in the world until the situation with women changes.”

That resonated with me. 

She went on to talk about how women carry the other half of humankind’s life experiences. Yet women’s needs, gifts, and intelligence are dismissed. Women should be at the table or only half of life experience and knowledge are involved in making important decisions. “Isn’t that why the poorest of the poor are women and children?” she pointed out.

Marriage should not be a war, but a collaboration, a way to examine all the intricacies of a question in order to make the best decision for all involved. Doesn't it make sense to have those with additional information give input and be a part of the conversation?  Controlling men refuse to accept that women would not make decisions that favor themselves and their children at men’s expense. What women see as a negotiation resulting in a win-win controllers see as a loss for them.

Women desire a partnership, but those with a sense of entitlement can only see that as a threat to their position and power. It is common for controlling people to take an issue such as wanting an equal voice and blow it up into something outrageous. Consider the term “feminist.” It has been contorted by some into meaning “man-haters” when it really means having equal opportunities, equal pay for equal work, a seat at the table in decisions that affect them, you know that “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” thing?

When it comes to war, Sister Joan says, “Women are the booty of war. Their bodies have become an instrument of war. Their children have become the fodder of war. Their homes have become the rubble of war. Their daily struggles to live have become one of the horrors of war and their futures have been left shattered in the shambles of war though they have nothing whatsoever to say about the waging of wars.”

When I heard that statement, I thought of the women and children refugees that are currently in the news. It also made me think of the women and children living with domestic violence. They, too, become refugees from the war waged within their homes. It may be on a smaller scale, but to those who suffer from the ravages created by a controlling partner, it is no small issue. Women in both those situations are running for their lives and the lives of their children.

When people ask Sister Joan, “What can we do?” She replies, “Something.” Make a difference in the circle that surrounds you. Do what you can to stand up for the other half.

Many of you are already standing up against domestic abuse as advocates, shelter workers, volunteers, speakers, therapists, and by financial contributions. Today, I salute you for doing something. 

Be Still and Know

A fresh, unblemished new year yawns out before us. What will we do with it? I like to set an intention, not make resolutions. Don’t we all hate rules? We set them up and when we cannot follow through with them we beat ourselves up. Let’s be kinder to ourselves this year. 

I’ve been thinking about what my intention will be for this year. Part of it is to increase the amount of joy in my life. Last year was so heavy and turbulent it held many moments of happiness at a low simmer. I’m glad to lay 2016 down and move on. There is still much work to do. I won’t roll over or hide my head in the sand. Supporting causes I believe in is necessary. It is also important to take time to experience things I enjoy and enjoy the things I experience.

Late last fall I attended a woman’s retreat. Early one morning I trudged across the frosted hillside to the labyrinth. After a prayer for guidance, I moved along the narrow pathway thinking about joy and where I was in my life. It’s everything I could hope for. Everything I worked for. The things I didn’t achieve were okay, too. 

As I walked along I began to feel all my ancestors walking with me—the people whose shoulders I stand on. The ones who laid the foundation of possibilities for me struggled in their own lives and came to America penniless—farmers, a builder, and a housekeeper. Also, those who stayed in the “old country," as my grandmother called it. I felt their strength and support as I placed one foot in front of the other. 

That is how we make our life—step by step—all of us going through trials and successes, stumbling backward, pushing forward. Along this journey, what we learn blooms inside of us and cannot be unlearned. Oh, we can squish it down for a while, but the truth will not be silenced. So, we change, growing into the person we are meant to be and building onto the foundation for those who will follow.

With a silent prayer uttered below a sliver of the moon in the azure sky, I left the labyrinth. In the lodge, I stopped at the gift shop. A polished stone caught my attention. Etched into it in tiny letters was “be still.” Its other side finished the verse “and know that I am God” Psalms 46:10. That little stone sits on my desk. My intention for this year will be stillness. My mantra for this year—Be Still and Know. Know that we are not alone. Know that we continue to grow stronger. Know that we can choose faith over fear. Know we have much to be grateful for. 

And gratefulness births Joy.

I wish you all a year filled with Joy.

How Not to Respond to a Victim of Abuse in the Military

My second blogging guest is Regina Vasquez, a Marine Corps Veteran. She is an advocate for Veterans and service members at Veteran Advocate and Founder & Executive Director at Fatigues Clothesline. She has been a member of One Billion Rising Veteran Empowerment Team USA and Volunteer-Womens Veterans Advocate

Regina is an artist see her work at Art by Regina Vasquez.

With gratitude for her years of service and the work she does now, I share her thoughts:

My name is Regina and I'm a Fully Disabled Marine Veteran living with symptoms of PTSD. I like to think of myself as someone of faith and within my faith I found the strength to be strong.  I am 37 years old. I have overcome obstacles that leaves others in awe and wondering how did I do it. For starters, I mentioned I am a woman of faith. God helped me through it. There were many instances I was thrown off course towards healing but I've regained myself and prayed for guidance to get myself back on that path.

Some of the instances that thrown me off of my path were people who I thought were friends. Ever heard the saying, you find out who your friends are when times get tough?  Well, I did find out and boy did it almost crush me.  

I was involved in a domestic violent relationship. My husband felt he was entitled to break me down by hitting and calling me crazy to the point it skyrocketed my symptoms of PTSD through the roof. I even checked myself into the mental ward because I was made to feel worthless. 

I had a friend, a Marine as well who I confined in about the abuse I endured. Her reaction to what I told her left me feeling confused and hurt. I explained how he called me a c*** and after I asked him multiple times to stop I felt compelled to slap his mouth out of defense. In turn he slapped me so hard across my face and nearly broke my jaw and started beating me up. I couldn't move. He irritated the service connected injuries I had to my back and neck.

What my friend told me after confiding in her I would never ever tell another veteran or non veteran friend.

“You’re a Marine, he had to defend himself. What do you expect?"

I will never forget those words. They made me doubt and question myself. After I left her house I made a promise to myself to never talk to her again. I don't ever want to talk to a person who feels it's ok for someone to beat another person no matter what kind of training we had. I may be a Marine but I do not deserve to be called a c*** or get beaten for defending myself. I understand I should have never slapped him but that never gave him the right to beat me to the point of fearing for my life.

I feel so disgusted having to talk about this. I would never ever say those words to someone. Instead I would have giving myself a hug and talk about resources to help me.

How Hurtful Other's Comments Can Be to Victims of Abuse

Katharine Robinson is my first guest blogger for Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. 

Since leaving her abusive partner, she has earned a degree in English and Psychology and has written a dissertation on Domestic Abuse. She gives talks to health professionals and works with victims as an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate, helping others leave a violent relationships and create happy lives. 

Katharine lives in the UK and feels blessed to have a new supportive and understanding partner as her rock. She is also very proud of the adults her children have become. She is currently working on a book (working title: One in Four) telling the story of her struggle within the abusive relationship, her escape and journey to wholeness. She shares how the experience affected her family and her determination to become an advocate.

Here is Katharine’s experience in her own words:

It takes at least 35 times for a woman to be abused by her partner/husband before she will speak up about it. She might tell a close friend, family member or the police, following an incident where she has had no choice but to call them for her safety.

So when a woman then decides after any period of time to end an abusive and/or violent relationship/marriage the last thing that she wants to hear are negative comments. However, all too often this is exactly what a victim will hear from those least expected.

The comments that I heard as those around me became aware that I ended my marriage were such as the following;

My parents actually said, ‘why didn’t you tell us before, didn’t you think that you could trust us?’ Not completely negative, but I felt a little deflated about it because I did trust them, but I was way too scared to leave. They couldn’t understand this and still today, some 7 years on, my mum will ask why I didn’t tell them sooner. I had told them I was not happy in my marriage two years earlier but not the full account.

Many people who were friends years before the end of my marriage, stood back over the last few years. Now they are speaking to me again and have said, ‘I always knew he was a bad egg. There was something not right about him. That is why we stopped speaking with you and of course him.’ What they didn’t realise was what they had done to me at that time—they ostracize me. When I told them that the marriage was over they told me this and I felt low about it again, feeling I had made a poor judgement, I was useless and worthless for making that poor decision.

Probably the most common comment that I heard, was simply ‘why did you let him do this to you, why did you allow him to behave like this?’ as if I had stood, thought about it and had made a conscious decision to let this happen to me! I found it hard to answer because I didn’t let him do this to me. I didn’t allow him to behave this way. He chose to take control of me and use and abuse me. I didn’t once stand there and allow it.

I was asked to attend a workshop as a guest speaker and survivor. A professional who works within the public health service asked me why I had stayed with this person for as long as I did if he was that awful. Why hadn’t I just left? Again this is something that people seem to have no idea about. The effect that a perpetrator has on a victim from the beginning can be phenomenal and from my experience my ex-husband took the control of me and my life from the first day we started dating.

Some people said, ‘your poor children look at what they have been put through for all of those years!’ Those people had no idea exactly how awful I felt about what my children had heard, seen and witnessed? Still to this day, I feel horrendous guilt about what I had put them through, what they had endured at the hands of their father, believing that it was partly my doing. I know that I should have tried to protect the children more. That is easy to say but so hard to do when your life is in the hands of a perpetrator. Thankfully, my children know it was never my fault and don’t bear a grudge. However, other people’s lack of knowledge or understanding is hurtful and I wish that they would have thought a little before they spoke.

I wish that people could have said something positive, like; well at least now we can all look forward to new beginnings and positivity. Raising matters from the abusive past and about my former partner’s behaviour, made me endure the abuse for a little bit longer.

What Not to Say to Abuse Victims

I asked my Facebook friends what were the dumbest and most thoughtless comments they received when they disclosed they had left their abusers. I was stunned at the level of cruelty. Some are intentional, some are from lack of understanding.

Most of us encountered shock from family and friends. Abuse is typically done in the privacy of the home, not out in public. To the general population, abusers are often charming and charismatic, the very persona that drew their victims to them. However, behind closed doors, their cruel and controlling personalities come out.

Understanding our friend's and family’s lack of knowledge regarding our situation doesn’t mean the comments hurt any less. Victims reported many knee-jerk responses: “I can’t believe it. He’s such a nice guy.” “Are you sure?” “You have such a great life, why screw it up?”

Then there was the shaming and blaming statements: “Why did you stay so long.” “It couldn’t have been that bad, you stayed.” “Other women have had it worse.” “Don’t say anything that could ruin his career.”

When you toss religion into the mix, the comments were more along this line: “God can heal anything. You need to pray harder about this.” “Divorce is a sin.” “The church frowns on divorce.”

While we expected angry and cruel reactions from our former partners, the most hurtful comments often came from family members: “You’re making a big mistake.” “You didn’t try hard enough.” “What did you do to make him so angry that he hit you?” “You’ve always been a loser.” “There’s never been a divorce in our family.”

Every story is different, all are painful. It’s humiliating to admit you were taken in by a controlling person. Telling someone takes great courage. Victims need the people around them to believe them and listen more than give opinions. They especially need others to know that domestic abuse is complicated and it’s difficult to leave an abuser. (See blog post: Why Victims Stay or Return to Their Abusers, January 12, 2012)

Should someone share this personal information with you, the best response is, “I’m sorry that happened to you. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment.” Then let her/him talk. 

If she is not sure what to do next, offer to help your friend connect with a shelter in the area. If there is no shelter, give her the number of the Domestic Violence Hotline (800 799-7233). An advocate can talk with her about available options. Encourage your friend to join a support group or connect with a therapist trained to work with victims of abuse. 

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. Through Facebook, I’ve met some remarkable women. Some of them have offered their thoughts on this topic. I will be posting them throughout October.

Meanwhile, you can share your thoughts by clicking on the comment button below.

3 Issues That Keep Victims From Moving On

The false belief that we cannot live without our controlling partners is one reason many victims struggle when trying to move forward. Amid those horrible times, there were good times and we still love them—or who we thought they were—or could be. The life we lived was familiar. The unfamiliar scares us—after all, things could be worse.

Think back to when you were a child. Did you have a blanket or stuffed toy that meant the world to you? You carried it everywhere and slept with it tucked under your arm. When it was lost, you were hysterical. Frantic and in tears, you searched everywhere, terrified that your beloved companion was gone forever. When it was found you were elated.

Where is that toy today? Most likely it is packed away in a keepsake box or was tossed out years ago. While at that time it represented comfort. As you grew older, you learned to comfort yourself. You stopped carrying your precious toy or blanket because you matured beyond that stage of your life.

The same thing will happen when you cut ties with your ex. As you rebuild your life you will move beyond this relationship and create stronger and healthier self-confidence. The time will come when you see your ex at some family function and do not believe you were ever with that person.

Another reason some victims have trouble moving on is that they desperately want to be validated by their former partners. Survivors want their exes to admit they were monsters and be sorry. The truth is—narcissists will never, under any circumstances, face up to their wretched behavior or feel sorry for anything they did or anyone they hurt. 

Empathy and compassion are not a part of their psychological makeup. Even if their victims become ill or homeless, narcissists will never take responsibility for their contribution to the problem. They feel no shame. They are more likely to see the occurrences as validation of their low opinions of their victims.

If you find yourself thinking that your partner will come around and feel sorry for what they’ve done to you, see a therapist trained in helping victims of abuse and talk through this issue. Being stuck in this mindset can cause you to unintentionally sabotage your own success. 

You cannot punish a narcissist by hurting yourself. The only way to punish a narcissist is to open your wings and soar. Once you accept your worthiness, you won’t need validation from anyone else—especially your ex.

Being kind and empathetic, victims can also be waylaid by exes who become intentionally homeless and impoverished to avoid paying support. They may try to manipulate their victims by asking to move in with them (or not move out) until they can “get back on their feet.” If that doesn't work, they may claim a trumped-up illness to finagle their way back into their victims’ lives. Once they get a foot in the door, they will pull every stunt they can to stay and retake control.

Let’s be clear—success depends on one’s own efforts. It’s not easy, but it is doable. Having made the decision to end the relationship, you are no longer responsible to take care of your ex—for any reason. Focus on improving your life and let your ex take responsibility for theirs. 

I know that if you have children with this person, you are not able to totally cut off communication with your ex. Work on emotionally distancing yourself from him or her and holding your boundaries. A therapist can help you develop a plan to deal with your ex and protect your progress. You deserve a happy life.

Safety Planning for Adults and Teens

Whether you stay with a controlling partner or leave, it’s important that you plan for your safety (as well as your children’s safety).

If you are like I was, you’ve run the gamut of “fixes” and nothing has worked. Feeling helpless, in an effort to cope, we try to ignore, deny or minimize what is happening. The danger of going numb is that we may not be aware that the severity of the abuse continues to escalate. If your partner hasn’t physically attacked you yet, there’s a good chance he or she will.

I’ve added a page: “Safety Planning” (see tab above). Adults or teens will find some detailed advice on whether they plan to leave or continue in the controlling relationship.

Below are some general suggestions.

If You Chose to Stay

You know the indicators that your partner is heading toward a violent tirade or battering episode. Some of my warning signals were: the sound of his firm and determined footsteps coming across the wooden porch, the way he postured himself to look large and menacing, his voice became low and measured, and his eyes darkened. 

As victims, we are more adept at reading our partners’ body language than we are at recognizing our own feelings. Yet, our bodies react to the impending verbal or physical attack with a number of signals: a knot in our chests or stomachs, trembling, relentless chatter in our minds, and stark terror—throwing us into fight or flight mode.

We may become paralyzed with fear, unable to run away. We didn’t fight back because past history showed us that whenever we tried to our partners met our attempts with harsher, more deadly violence. If you have a safety plan, you are prepared to react. You move into self-protection mode.  

Consider these questions as you develop your plan:

1. When things begin to escalate, how can you safely remove yourself from the location? 
2. Do you have a cellphone so you can call 911 if necessary?
3. Have you downloaded a DV app to notify friends and 911 if you are in danger? (https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/)
4. Do you have a neighbor who is willing to call the police if there is any indication that you are in trouble? 
5. Where can you go? Do you have family or friends to stay with? 
6. Do you know the location of your local shelter?
7. What do you need to take with you—i.e. Clothing, personal items, copies of important documents, money, and car keys? Have them packed and stored safely with a friend or family member.
8. Document all abuse, noting the date and what occurred. Take photos of any injuries, print them and write the date and details on the back. Keep this information in a safety deposit box or at a friend’s house. Your documentation is admissible in court to show ongoing abuse. 

If You Have Children

If you have children, plan for their safety, too. I was privileged to hear Olga Trujillo, a survivor of abuse, speak about growing up in a violent home. Her saving grace was a neighbor lady who welcomed Olga into her home to sit and talk. The neighbor heard the chaos from next door and was aware of Olga’s situation. The woman never trashed Olga’s father but talked to her about self-protection. She asked Olga where she could hide from her raging father until it was safe. Together they sang songs that Olga could sing softly while she hid. The songs distracted her from listening to the carnage. 

Developing a plan with your children gives them permission to protect themselves and not feel they have to try to stop daddy from hurting mommy. A plan gives them some control over the situation.

1. Help them find a safe place to hide until the danger has passed. It can be at a neighbor’s house or a hidden spot within the house. Have a code word that tells them when it is safe to come out. Let them practice moving to their “safe place” quickly.
2. Plan something to distract them from the tirade while they hide in the house: songs to sing, earphones, paper and crayons, books— items stashed there.
3. Teach them how and when to get help. Teach them how to dial 911 and give their address. Have a code word that tells them when to make that call.

If You Plan to Leave

It is especially important for victims to have help when planning to leave. The risk of death increases by 70% at that time. Partners who have never been physical can become physical batterers when their victims attempt to leave. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800- 799-7233) can assist you as you plan your exit. Your local shelter can provide you with an advocate to help you plan, leave safely and prepare to move through the court system for a No-Contact order or other legal issues. If you are in need of a place to live, the women’s shelter can house you or help you find housing. If finances are a concern, the shelter can often help you find needed resources.

Consider what safety measures are needed for protection:

1. If your partner has been removed from your home change your locks. Install an alarm system.
2. Download a DV app to notify your friends or 911 should you need help: https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/ 
3. Keep a trusted friend aware of your daily activities, where you are going, when you will return.
4. Keep a log of any unwanted contact with your ex.
5. Take photographs of any injuries, print them and write the date and other details on the back. Keep these in a safe place. Your documentation is admissible in court to prove ongoing abuse.
6. Notify teachers or any activity leader that your children are not to leave with your former partner.

See the Safety Planning tab above for more details.

If You are a Teen or Tween

Know that you deserve a relationship that makes your heart sing. If you are spending time crying over your partner and giving up who you are to please him or her, you are not in a healthy relationship. Someone who loves you will not call you names, embarrass you in front of others and insist on having his or her own way all the time. You can do better. I promise this is not the only person you will ever love, and he or she is definitely not the only one who will ever love you.

• Tell your parents, a friend, a counselor, a clergyman, or someone else whom you trust and who can help. The more isolated you are from friends and family, the more control the abuser has over you.
• Download a DV app to notify your parents, friends, or 911 should you need help: https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/ 
• Alert the school counselor or security. They can watch out for you.
• Plan and rehearse what you would do if your partner became abusive.
• Keep a daily log of the abuse. Include the date, time, what happened, and photos of any injuries.
• Break up with him or her in the safest way—by text message.
• Do not meet your partner alone. Do not let him or her into your home or car when you are alone.
• Avoid being alone at school, at your job, or on the way to and from places.
• Tell someone where you are going and when you plan to return.
• Report stalking to the police.

Never believe that you have to go through this alone because no one cares about you. There is help. It is important to have a community of support. Reach out.