I'd Like to be the One to See You Through

Janis Ian sings a sorrow-filled, haunting song called From Me to You where she says: 

I’m  leaving by night

I’m leaving alone

I’m leaving it lie

When you waken I’ll be gone

I would not beg for me

As I would not beg for you

Though I’d like to be the one to see you through

It’s that last line that echoed in my head after I left my abuser. It’s one of the reasons we stay or are drawn back into unhealthy relationships. We’d like to be the one to see him through his inner struggle.

Many of us saw the vulnerable, pain-filled spirit inside our partners. We felt compassion. We spent 10, 20, maybe 45 years trying to heal his pain. We felt guilty that we were not successful. We didn’t want to give up on him. Couldn’t imagine anything worse then giving up on someone. He’d told us stories of how family and previous lovers had let him down. We wanted to be the one that stood by him, put our arms around him and assured him that everything would be okay. We wanted to save him, thinking that if we could do that, it would prove that we were worthy. (but that’s another blog)

It didn’t seem like an insurmountable task. He wanted to be treated with respect. We could do that. He wanted devotion, an eager sexual partner, children and a stable home. We could do that. After all, we wanted the same for ourselves. The answer seemed simple. All we had to do was love him unconditionally. Give him time to see that we were trustworthy, weren’t going to take advantage of him.

The problem was he wasn’t willing and saw no need to reciprocate. 

Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” talks about Emotional Bank Accounts (EBA) between people. Kind words and actions fill the other’s EBA, harsh words empty it. If you have a friend who is always late for your lunch dates, you think, “She doesn’t value our relationship.” and you feel hurt and angry. If you have a friend who is never late, but this one time she is, instead of being angry you are apt to be worried. She’s made enough deposits into your EBA that one mishap doesn’t drain it. 

In a relationship where one person is doing all the giving and yielding to the other and rarely, if ever, receiving it isn’t long before their EBA is empty. Abuser’s don’t recognize others’ feelings. They don’t get it. According to our logic, if our partner treats us with love and respect, we would return the love a hundred fold, giving him the devotion he craves. We’d knock ourselves out to meet his needs and express our love in a million small and grand ways. We’d be that enthusiastic lover he talks about.

Controllers believe they get what they want because they demand it. Abusers logic tells them that if they treat us with respect they would become vulnerable. It would be giving in, becoming pussy-whipped, losing the battle between the sexes. How would that look to their friends? 

My partner talked a lot in terms of the war between the sexes. The concept was foreign to me. The more I tried to prove that I wasn’t in a power struggle with him the more adamant he became. He assured me that if given a chance I’d become a controlling bitch and made it known that he, not me, would be in charge at any cost. 

When our Emotional Bank Accounts run out, hopefully, we leave. An aching sadness comes with the realization that love doesn’t conquer all. It can never drive out the abuser’s need for absolute control. That is something the abuser has to relinquish on his own, then decide if he’s willing to do the work it takes to heal the pain inside him and relearn how to treat others. If the relationship isn’t important enough to him to go into treatment, there is nothing we can do. We can’t heal another. We can accompany him on his journey and be supportive, but not fix him. If it’s a journey he’s not willing to take, we have to do what’s necessary to save ourselves. 

Another song was popular around the time I left, “Sunshine” by the Isley Brothers. One line became an ear-worm to keep me strong: 

You can’t even run your own life, 

I’ll be damned if you’ll run mine. 

It took a while to understand that I didn’t have to be “the one.” All I had to do was be who I was and move on when it was time. We are all influenced and shaped by the variety of people who move in and out of our lives. No one person is our everything, and we cannot be someone else’s everything.

PTSD - Who Me?

When an idea for a blog comes, I’ve learned to jot it down immediately and a little description of my intention. Otherwise, by the time I start to write I have no idea what I was thinking. Too many middle-of-the-night, writing-in-the-dark, indecipherable-scribbles have taught me to get up and go to the computer to make notes.

For several months, I’ve had a document called “Healing from the Numbness” on my desktop. I’d planned to talk about how many of us used numbness to cope with the constraints of the abuse. Our abusers trained us to let go of our desire to pursue the things we enjoyed and instilled this habit in us by linking pain to any attempt we made to thrive. We learned to go numb, saying, "It really doesn't matter, anyway." When we left the relationship, the habit remained. Many of us have said, “I don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t know what to do with my life.” In my blog, I’d planned to talk about rediscovering our gifts and talents. About coming alive, reminding ourselves that we can go out to lunch with friends, see a move, take a painting class, be spontaneous. Especially, do things to show ourselves that we can set and pursue our goals and be rewarded not punished.

Somehow I could never get myself to write this blog. Other ideas seemed to stand up and wave their arms at me like eager kindergardeners, “Do me first!” They shouted. It was a good thing I waited, (a divine thing, as in, it was meant to be) While what I’d been thinking of writing is valid, the numbness concept for me has expanded.

Over dinner with a girlfriend one evening, I told her how after a speaking engagement it seems to take me longer and longer to shake off the darkness of my abuse experience. The heaviness, that once faded in the few minutes it took me to drive home, was now lingering for about 3 days. During this time, I had a hard time concentrating on anything, felt excessively tired and had to push myself to get things done. It felt like my brain had numbed out and refused to function. My husband, noticed the change in me.

My friend, a therapist, looked at me over a forkful of pasta, and said, “Were you ever treated for PTSD?”

When I left my ex no one knew about PTSD. I never considered that it was a problem for me. Really hadn’t been, so I thought. Good grief, the terrifying nightmares stopped about 25 years ago! If my ex does show up in a dream, he’s innocuous and I feel no fear. When I remember or talk about something that had happened, I'm not filled with fear or feel like I’m reliving the experience, but say to myself, “He did a cruel and terrible thing to me. It was not okay. That was then. This is now.” Didn’t that mean I had it licked?

My friend referred me to a therapist who works with those struggling with PTSD. I was tested. While talking with my therapist, I recounted a recent incident where I felt trapped in a car with an enraged driver - the trigger that change things. Being an advocate of touching base with a mental health expert as needed, I’m in treatment and discovering more about this numbing-out coping mechanism. 

At first I was stunned that I found myself in that car at that moment. Yes, and a little angry with myself. But, honestly, we can learn to recognize clear signs of danger and back away from people who are potentially violent. However, we can’t assume that everyone who shows signs of stubbornness, narcissism, anger (or any of the unflattering traits we all possess to some degree), are going choose a dangerous response under stress. Apparently, I’d forgotten that. This incident reminded me that all of us can find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation. People are going to act out, unexpectedly. When it happens we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not seeing some sign, just move ourselves to a place that is safe. We can learn techniques to prevent one episode from sending us back into the darkness. Then celebrate how far we’ve come. We saw it. We faced it. We didn't take responsibility for what happened. We put the blame where it belonged and sought help from a therapist- if needed, then moved on.

There is alway more I can learn about the affects and effects of domestic violence. I’ll be sharing insights as things progress. Stay tuned...

Comments are always welcome. Click on the Comment link below.

Standing Strong After You Leave (Part 2)

In the previous post we talked about making a list of what we did and did not like about our partner. Reviewing that list helps us remember why we left. We can see that what we did love about him is far outweighed by what we didn’t. In most cases, we discovered that who we thought our partner was, Mr. Wonderful, was not who he really is. The person we loved was the facade our partner presented to get what he wanted. It wasn’t him. 

We can expect that as soon as we leave, Mr. Wonderful will reappear. However, below that mask is a cold, calculating mind working against us. We need to recognize the games he plays to subvert the power we’ve taken back. Once we understand the way our partners are trying to manipulate us, we can emotionally step back and call the behavior what it is. I suggest you give the games a name.

The Gonna make you act-out Game - He will try to come across to others as calm, collected, the sane one. He will tell outrageous lies designed to rile you and make you come unglued. His intention is to point at you and tell the court system, child protective services, friends, “Look how crazy she is. See what I have to put up with.” Don’t fall for this game. As angry as he makes you, remain calm and let the system work. Your peaceful demeanor may very well rile him, causing him to expose his true self. Stay steady and speak the truth no matter how embarrassed you feel. The shame belongs to him.

The Garner Sympathy Game - He knows the statements that have worked in the past. When they don’t work, he’ll come up with others. “I can’t live without you. I’ll kill myself.” “I thought you loved me.” “You’re taking my children away from me.” “You’re deserting me just like everyone always has.” “I’m in therapy. I need your help to change.” “The police took me to jail. It’s horrible. Do you know what miserable things I’m suffering here? Sleeping on a cold slab?” “The other inmates are threatening me.” “I don’t think I can survive much longer.” And thousands of other statements designed to tug at your heart or guilt you into giving in. If his behavior made you leave or put him in jail, it’s his fault, not yours. For years he’s taught you that you must fix everything for him, take care of him, cover up his bad behavior and clean up his messes. It’s his job to clean up his messes. As long as you do it he will not take responsibility for himself. You are only responsible for your behavior. He is responsible for the consequences of his.

The It’s Us Against the World Game - “Our love is so special/unique that no one else understands it.” “Other’s want to destroy us. We have to stick together.” “Other’s are plotting against us.” “You’re parents always hated me. They’re making you do this.” These are some of the declarations he may use to solidify your relationship and make other’s/the system the enemy. He’s blaming the outcome for his behavior on others.

The False Concern Game - “Are you and the children okay?” “Are you having any luck finding a job?” “We don’t need 2 attorneys. Most of them are sharks. I have someone who we can work with.” “I want what’s best for you and the kids.”  These are attempts to awaken the fear-based messages you received throughout the relationship; you are not capable of surviving without him, you don’t make good decisions, you can’t provide for your children, or survive alone in this dangerous world. No matter what your partner says, most definitely, hire your own attorney.

The Easing His Way Back into Your Life Game - “It seems foolish for us to pay two rents/house payments. Let me stay in the guest room (downstairs, or share one of the children’s rooms.) That way I’ll be there to protect you and the kids.” Once again, he’s playing the fear card. 

He may also try to re-hook you emotionally with sex. "Even if we’re divorced doesn’t mean we can’t have sex. Remember how great it was?" Never have sex with your ex.

The We Need To Talk (About the Children, Money, Property settlement, etc) Game. He want’s to meet with you alone. He may lure you with the promise of money or some item you cherish that’s in his possession. This may be a ploy to put you in a vulnerable position where he can terrorize you or harm you. Don’t buy into it, it’s too dangerous. Even those who have not been physically abusive, may, in desperation, step up their aggressiveness and harm you. Never meet your soon-to-be-ex alone or in a secluded place.

I’m sure you can come up with other games. I suggest you list the statements you expect your partner will use against you. Identify his intent with each statement. That way when you hear it from his (or her) mouth - try not to laugh aloud - you can mentally tick it off your list, “Oh, yes, this is the sympathy game. I refuse to buy into it.” This will redirect your thoughts, help you step back and not get caught up in the drama. 

I’d love to hear the games you’ve come up against. Please click on the comment link below and tell us what innovated game your ex plays. Feedback is available for those who ask.

Deja vu Nightmare

On PBS, Wayne Dyer told a story written by Portia Nelson, “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk; Autobiography in Five Short  Chapters.” It’s about walking down the street and repeatedly falling into the same hole until she finally decides to walk down a different street. 

I began to think how this parallels what often happens to victims of abuse. I jotted down how it might go. 

You meet a guy who’s kind, romantic and crazy about you. So caught up by his attention and adoration, you agree to marry him, immediately- wouldn't want to miss this opportunity. Once married, he begins to nit-pick, pointing out what’s wrong with you. When you try to call him on his behavior, he claims you are “too sensitive,” crazy and self-absorbed. Soon he’s telling you that you are stupid and worthless and can’t do anything right. He does a number on your self-esteem and teaches you that you cannot trust yourself.  He begins to batter you because you “push his buttons.” You’re stunned that this has happened and struggle to make sense of it, fix yourself so he will love you like before. His mind games and threats trap you in the relationship. It may take years to get out. 

You meet a guy who’s kind, romantic and crazy about you. You feel harried and anxious to be in a relationship and walk away from the past. You’re new partner wants to take care of you. It feels so good after what you’ve been through, you marry him. You start to grow stronger. He reminds you of your previous poor choices and how he knows what's best for you. He begins to point out what is wrong with you. It isn’t long before you see that he’s another abuser. You start blaming yourself. What’s wrong with me? How could I be so stupid to do this again? Maybe I am a horrible person and deserve this treatment. Perhaps, you end this relationship sooner. Maybe you stay longer ashamed to admit you’ve done it again and no one will ever truly love you. But to save your life (and maybe the lives of your children) you finally leave.

You meet a guy who’s kind, romantic and crazy about you. You feel that time is running out for you and you don’t want to be alone. So damaged by the previous relationships, you don’t believe you can take care of yourself. You’re surprised that anyone loves you. You look him over carefully and decide to take a chance-- live with him not marry him. OMG. Not again!!!  Maybe all men are abusers. There are no nice men out there. If you want someone, you’d have to put up with the abuse. It becomes so painful that in spite of the fear of being alone, you’re out quicker this time, feeling worthless and helpless.

You meet a guy who is kind, romantic and interested in you. But you don’t trust your gut anymore. How do you know if he’s truly a great guy or another violent man hiding behind a facade? You blow up the relationship.

You go into treatment with a therapist who is trained in domestic abuse issues. You learn that the abuse was not about you, but about your partner. It was not your fault. You were a victim sucked in by well rehearsed controlling men. You learn that you are a survivor. You take time to rediscover yourself, learn to trust your gut, repair your self-esteem, build a career and change your self-talk. Most important, you learn that you can take care of yourself.

You meet a guy who is kind and romantic and seems interested in you. You don’t feel rushed. As a matter of fact, you like being single, running your own life. So you date him with no preconceived notion that he will be a life partner. He doesn’t try to rush you into a commitment. He respects your boundaries. He talks and listens. He has a passion in life and encourages you in your passion. You meet his friends. He meets yours. You have shared interests and some that are individual. You take plenty time to do the things you enjoy doing on your own. He respects that and pursues his own interests. You like him as a person. He shows respect to others. You talk about marriage. What is his vision for finances, shared responsibilities, children, etc.? If your visions don’t jive, you walk away or if you choose, keep the relationship at its current level. Then you open your heart wide.

Last word: While this scenario is more likely if the victim was raised in an violent home, any of us can fall into it. We end up living with ghosts from past relationships. Therapy can help us learn how to keep those ghosts from destroying our future relationships. Through therapy, we learn how to stand up for ourselves and work through difficulties with our partner, creating a stronger, healthy bond.

Moving Past the Past

One of the biggest struggles after leaving is staying away. We know it takes on average 7 attempts to leave a violent relationship. That’s because of all the emotional hooks and brainwashing we received. 

It’s hard to give up the image of who we believed our partner was. It’ hard to believe that we were sucked in by this -- now know to be a -- monster. We’ve invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship. We have too little self-confidence to believe we can “make it” in the world on our own. We don’t know how to speak for ourselves, support ourselves (and kids,) fight our own battles and create a future. For those of us who were taught that they are stupid, worthless and not capable of making any good decisions, it’s easier to go back than face the huge task of healing and creating a new life.

When we leave, our abuser knows what to say and how to manipulate us to return. He plays the "Mr. Wonderful" card while making it as difficult as possible for us to move forward. With a straight face, he tells us we are not capable of surviving on our own. He’s concerned for our wellbeing. He misses the kids. He’s getting help. He promises it will be different this time. He’s romantic and before we know it we’re in bed together. As long as we stay connected to the past, we are drawn back to stagnate. 

Like me, as a child you may have had a toy or blanket you carried everywhere. I had a stuffed dog that went everywhere with me. I couldn’t sleep without it tucked in bed beside me. If it was lost I’d cry until it was found, desperate and hysterical that my beloved toy was gone forever. Do you know where your beloved toy is? Like mine it may have been tossed away many years ago or tucked in a keepsake box. We don’t need it to make it through a day anymore because we’ve matured beyond that relationship.

In the same way, when we free ourselves from an unhealthy relationship, we begin to mature beyond our need for this destructive partner. It’s a lot of steps forward and some backwards. It’s stretching muscles we didn’t know we had.  Step by step we learn that we can take care of ourselves and children. We can fight our own battles. Along the way, we uncover our gifts and talents that we had to put aside to meet the needs and wants of our controlling partner. We find our passion in life, the thing that fills us with joy. It’s not easy. It’s worn-to-the-bone-sick-of-it-all days and so-help-me-if-have-to-learn-one-more-lesson today, I’ll scream days. But as your life starts to move forward, it’s priceless. Those are the days when you look back and say, “Look how far I’ve come. I don’t need anyone to take care of me.”

Then you can invite someone into your life because you want them there, not because you need them.

Letting Go

Dear Friends,

I don’t know who wrote this. If you do, please let me know. I would like to thank the author. This is perfect for the new year. Let’s agree to let go.  

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

May this coming year bring you more joy and less worries that you expected.