Fear, Sympathy and Anger--A Dysfunctional, Perfect Storm

When intertwined, fear, sympathy, and anger create one chaotic, dysfunctional, perfect storm of an abusive relationship. Its gathering winds start long before the couple meets.

Humans in an attempt to understand their world are apt to create stories to explain situations. Children of critical parents who never say the words “I love you,” tell themselves that they are inept and unloveable. They often become people-pleasers searching for someone who will love them. This is the story I carried into my marriage. I was exactly who a controlling partner wanted.

On the other hand, those who felt betrayed and cheated as children often tell themselves that the people they need will hurt or leave them. They feel entitled to take what they want as payback. The story they tell themselves is that in order to be safe, they must be in control. Sadly, that is usually at the expense of their partner’s safety. 

If you follow the threads of controlling behaviors to the end, you will find the underlying cause is fear. Jealously is the fear of losing a partner to someone else. Hiding all financial information from their partner is fear that their partner will have the resources to leave. Terrorizing, instilling fear of bodily harm, is driven by the fear that a partner may leave.

It didn’t take long for me to see through my partner’s bravado facade to the fear-infested person inside. The sympathy I felt for him held me in the relationship. I spent years trying to save him, assuring him that he was safe with me. All the while, I wasn’t safe with him. My desperation to earn his love was fear-based. I didn’t want to be a failure. The story I told myself was—if I could just hang in the marriage long enough, sacrificing myself, things would change. It took a long time for me to accept that his entitlement and fear-based internal stories created a lack of empathy and didn’t allow for the revelation or awakening that I had hoped to see in him. 

Therapy helped me rewrite my internal stories into healthy ones. My partner’s behavior wasn’t about me. The occurrences from my childhood that started the unhealthy story of who I was, weren’t about me. This knowledge is a blessing, but it can also be dangerous. 

When we understand the underlying fears that caused the bad behavior in our spouse, our sympathy for them can keep us entwined. Hope that things can change may hold or draw us back into the relationship. It’s important for us to disconnect from our emotions and use reason to evaluate the relationship.

In those highly charged moments, I recited the following truths:

• Though I feel sympathy for him, I will not minimize or excuse his bad behavior. It was wrong and should not be repeated. Nothing will change that fact. 
• Abuse is a choice. My partner chooses to abuse me.
• He is the only one who can change his behavior. If he wanted to save this relationship, he would have gone into treatment and followed the program. He did not, so he does not value our relationship. He will not change.

After leaving the relationship we experience a lot of anger and grieving. We mourn the loss of the dreams we had for our lives, and the men we thought our partners were. We are also angry. Our partners’ selfishness made a mess of our children’s and our lives. We feel enraged that we are left to suffer the consequences and clean it up.

Anger is good. It keeps us out of the relationship and gives us valuable energy to fight for a new and better life. As we move along the upward path, we can spend our time hating those who wronged us, but wouldn’t that mean they are still the center of our lives? Our focus is still on them—just where they want it to be. 

I suggest we turn our focus on ourselves and our children. We can stop trying to force our partners to be who they should be. We can stop trying to make up for their bad behavior toward our children and others. Suppose we step out of the drama and accept that the controllers will spin their wheels, rant, rave and tell lies. Suppose we let their words pass through us without sticking to our insides—because we have new stories of who we are. His old lies mean nothing. We can be age-appropriately honest with our children about our inability to change their fathers. We can use this as a teachable moment where our children learn about choices and consequences. We can admit the truth of the situation to them without showing anger or hatred toward their fathers. 

Escaping and staying out of abusive relationships means rewriting our internal stories, accepting the truth of our situations, and balancing our emotions with logic. Let us focus on loving ourselves enough to walk away and build a better life. 

I'd Like to be the One to See You Through

Janis Ian sings a sorrow-filled, haunting song called From Me to You where she says: 

I’m  leaving by night

I’m leaving alone

I’m leaving it lie

When you waken I’ll be gone

I would not beg for me

As I would not beg for you

Though I’d like to be the one to see you through

It’s that last line that echoed in my head after I left my abuser. It’s one of the reasons we stay or are drawn back into unhealthy relationships. We’d like to be the one to see him through his inner struggle.

Many of us saw the vulnerable, pain-filled spirit inside our partners. We felt compassion. We spent 10, 20, maybe 45 years trying to heal his pain. We felt guilty that we were not successful. We didn’t want to give up on him. Couldn’t imagine anything worse then giving up on someone. He’d told us stories of how family and previous lovers had let him down. We wanted to be the one that stood by him, put our arms around him and assured him that everything would be okay. We wanted to save him, thinking that if we could do that, it would prove that we were worthy. (but that’s another blog)

It didn’t seem like an insurmountable task. He wanted to be treated with respect. We could do that. He wanted devotion, an eager sexual partner, children and a stable home. We could do that. After all, we wanted the same for ourselves. The answer seemed simple. All we had to do was love him unconditionally. Give him time to see that we were trustworthy, weren’t going to take advantage of him.

The problem was he wasn’t willing and saw no need to reciprocate. 

Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” talks about Emotional Bank Accounts (EBA) between people. Kind words and actions fill the other’s EBA, harsh words empty it. If you have a friend who is always late for your lunch dates, you think, “She doesn’t value our relationship.” and you feel hurt and angry. If you have a friend who is never late, but this one time she is, instead of being angry you are apt to be worried. She’s made enough deposits into your EBA that one mishap doesn’t drain it. 

In a relationship where one person is doing all the giving and yielding to the other and rarely, if ever, receiving it isn’t long before their EBA is empty. Abuser’s don’t recognize others’ feelings. They don’t get it. According to our logic, if our partner treats us with love and respect, we would return the love a hundred fold, giving him the devotion he craves. We’d knock ourselves out to meet his needs and express our love in a million small and grand ways. We’d be that enthusiastic lover he talks about.

Controllers believe they get what they want because they demand it. Abusers logic tells them that if they treat us with respect they would become vulnerable. It would be giving in, becoming pussy-whipped, losing the battle between the sexes. How would that look to their friends? 

My partner talked a lot in terms of the war between the sexes. The concept was foreign to me. The more I tried to prove that I wasn’t in a power struggle with him the more adamant he became. He assured me that if given a chance I’d become a controlling bitch and made it known that he, not me, would be in charge at any cost. 

When our Emotional Bank Accounts run out, hopefully, we leave. An aching sadness comes with the realization that love doesn’t conquer all. It can never drive out the abuser’s need for absolute control. That is something the abuser has to relinquish on his own, then decide if he’s willing to do the work it takes to heal the pain inside him and relearn how to treat others. If the relationship isn’t important enough to him to go into treatment, there is nothing we can do. We can’t heal another. We can accompany him on his journey and be supportive, but not fix him. If it’s a journey he’s not willing to take, we have to do what’s necessary to save ourselves. 

Another song was popular around the time I left, “Sunshine” by the Isley Brothers. One line became an ear-worm to keep me strong: 

You can’t even run your own life, 

I’ll be damned if you’ll run mine. 

It took a while to understand that I didn’t have to be “the one.” All I had to do was be who I was and move on when it was time. We are all influenced and shaped by the variety of people who move in and out of our lives. No one person is our everything, and we cannot be someone else’s everything.

PTSD - Who Me?

When an idea for a blog comes, I’ve learned to jot it down immediately and a little description of my intention. Otherwise, by the time I start to write I have no idea what I was thinking. Too many middle-of-the-night, writing-in-the-dark, indecipherable-scribbles have taught me to get up and go to the computer to make notes.

For several months, I’ve had a document called “Healing from the Numbness” on my desktop. I’d planned to talk about how many of us used numbness to cope with the constraints of the abuse. Our abusers trained us to let go of our desire to pursue the things we enjoyed and instilled this habit in us by linking pain to any attempt we made to thrive. We learned to go numb, saying, "It really doesn't matter, anyway." When we left the relationship, the habit remained. Many of us have said, “I don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t know what to do with my life.” In my blog, I’d planned to talk about rediscovering our gifts and talents. About coming alive, reminding ourselves that we can go out to lunch with friends, see a move, take a painting class, be spontaneous. Especially, do things to show ourselves that we can set and pursue our goals and be rewarded not punished.

Somehow I could never get myself to write this blog. Other ideas seemed to stand up and wave their arms at me like eager kindergardeners, “Do me first!” They shouted. It was a good thing I waited, (a divine thing, as in, it was meant to be) While what I’d been thinking of writing is valid, the numbness concept for me has expanded.

Over dinner with a girlfriend one evening, I told her how after a speaking engagement it seems to take me longer and longer to shake off the darkness of my abuse experience. The heaviness, that once faded in the few minutes it took me to drive home, was now lingering for about 3 days. During this time, I had a hard time concentrating on anything, felt excessively tired and had to push myself to get things done. It felt like my brain had numbed out and refused to function. My husband, noticed the change in me.

My friend, a therapist, looked at me over a forkful of pasta, and said, “Were you ever treated for PTSD?”

When I left my ex no one knew about PTSD. I never considered that it was a problem for me. Really hadn’t been, so I thought. Good grief, the terrifying nightmares stopped about 25 years ago! If my ex does show up in a dream, he’s innocuous and I feel no fear. When I remember or talk about something that had happened, I'm not filled with fear or feel like I’m reliving the experience, but say to myself, “He did a cruel and terrible thing to me. It was not okay. That was then. This is now.” Didn’t that mean I had it licked?

My friend referred me to a therapist who works with those struggling with PTSD. I was tested. While talking with my therapist, I recounted a recent incident where I felt trapped in a car with an enraged driver - the trigger that change things. Being an advocate of touching base with a mental health expert as needed, I’m in treatment and discovering more about this numbing-out coping mechanism. 

At first I was stunned that I found myself in that car at that moment. Yes, and a little angry with myself. But, honestly, we can learn to recognize clear signs of danger and back away from people who are potentially violent. However, we can’t assume that everyone who shows signs of stubbornness, narcissism, anger (or any of the unflattering traits we all possess to some degree), are going choose a dangerous response under stress. Apparently, I’d forgotten that. This incident reminded me that all of us can find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation. People are going to act out, unexpectedly. When it happens we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not seeing some sign, just move ourselves to a place that is safe. We can learn techniques to prevent one episode from sending us back into the darkness. Then celebrate how far we’ve come. We saw it. We faced it. We didn't take responsibility for what happened. We put the blame where it belonged and sought help from a therapist- if needed, then moved on.

There is alway more I can learn about the affects and effects of domestic violence. I’ll be sharing insights as things progress. Stay tuned...

Comments are always welcome. Click on the Comment link below.

Standing Strong After You Leave (Part 2)

In the previous post we talked about making a list of what we did and did not like about our partner. Reviewing that list helps us remember why we left. We can see that what we did love about him is far outweighed by what we didn’t. In most cases, we discovered that who we thought our partner was, Mr. Wonderful, was not who he really is. The person we loved was the facade our partner presented to get what he wanted. It wasn’t him. 

We can expect that as soon as we leave, Mr. Wonderful will reappear. However, below that mask is a cold, calculating mind working against us. We need to recognize the games he plays to subvert the power we’ve taken back. Once we understand the way our partners are trying to manipulate us, we can emotionally step back and call the behavior what it is. I suggest you give the games a name.

The Gonna make you act-out Game - He will try to come across to others as calm, collected, the sane one. He will tell outrageous lies designed to rile you and make you come unglued. His intention is to point at you and tell the court system, child protective services, friends, “Look how crazy she is. See what I have to put up with.” Don’t fall for this game. As angry as he makes you, remain calm and let the system work. Your peaceful demeanor may very well rile him, causing him to expose his true self. Stay steady and speak the truth no matter how embarrassed you feel. The shame belongs to him.

The Garner Sympathy Game - He knows the statements that have worked in the past. When they don’t work, he’ll come up with others. “I can’t live without you. I’ll kill myself.” “I thought you loved me.” “You’re taking my children away from me.” “You’re deserting me just like everyone always has.” “I’m in therapy. I need your help to change.” “The police took me to jail. It’s horrible. Do you know what miserable things I’m suffering here? Sleeping on a cold slab?” “The other inmates are threatening me.” “I don’t think I can survive much longer.” And thousands of other statements designed to tug at your heart or guilt you into giving in. If his behavior made you leave or put him in jail, it’s his fault, not yours. For years he’s taught you that you must fix everything for him, take care of him, cover up his bad behavior and clean up his messes. It’s his job to clean up his messes. As long as you do it he will not take responsibility for himself. You are only responsible for your behavior. He is responsible for the consequences of his.

The It’s Us Against the World Game - “Our love is so special/unique that no one else understands it.” “Other’s want to destroy us. We have to stick together.” “Other’s are plotting against us.” “You’re parents always hated me. They’re making you do this.” These are some of the declarations he may use to solidify your relationship and make other’s/the system the enemy. He’s blaming the outcome for his behavior on others.

The False Concern Game - “Are you and the children okay?” “Are you having any luck finding a job?” “We don’t need 2 attorneys. Most of them are sharks. I have someone who we can work with.” “I want what’s best for you and the kids.”  These are attempts to awaken the fear-based messages you received throughout the relationship; you are not capable of surviving without him, you don’t make good decisions, you can’t provide for your children, or survive alone in this dangerous world. No matter what your partner says, most definitely, hire your own attorney.

The Easing His Way Back into Your Life Game - “It seems foolish for us to pay two rents/house payments. Let me stay in the guest room (downstairs, or share one of the children’s rooms.) That way I’ll be there to protect you and the kids.” Once again, he’s playing the fear card. 

He may also try to re-hook you emotionally with sex. "Even if we’re divorced doesn’t mean we can’t have sex. Remember how great it was?" Never have sex with your ex.

The We Need To Talk (About the Children, Money, Property settlement, etc) Game. He want’s to meet with you alone. He may lure you with the promise of money or some item you cherish that’s in his possession. This may be a ploy to put you in a vulnerable position where he can terrorize you or harm you. Don’t buy into it, it’s too dangerous. Even those who have not been physically abusive, may, in desperation, step up their aggressiveness and harm you. Never meet your soon-to-be-ex alone or in a secluded place.

I’m sure you can come up with other games. I suggest you list the statements you expect your partner will use against you. Identify his intent with each statement. That way when you hear it from his (or her) mouth - try not to laugh aloud - you can mentally tick it off your list, “Oh, yes, this is the sympathy game. I refuse to buy into it.” This will redirect your thoughts, help you step back and not get caught up in the drama. 

I’d love to hear the games you’ve come up against. Please click on the comment link below and tell us what innovated game your ex plays. Feedback is available for those who ask.

Staying Strong After You've Left - Part 1

Survivors often ask me, “How do I stay strong and deal with my ex after I leave? He (or she) is still trying to control me and is pushing my buttons.” This is a good question to address with your therapist or in therapy group. They’ll have many helpful suggestions. I have a few thought on the issue, things that worked for me. I’ll deal with one of them here and others over the next few posts.

One of the reasons abusers can so callously attack their partners is that they have de-humanized them. Controlling partners believe that their victims are property. When a victim decides to walk away, the controller is stunned and cannot believe it is happening. As he sees it, the victim has no rights. The abuser cannot accept that the partner is actually going to leave. So, he will open the bag of tricks that have always drawn the victim back into compliance. If we can identify those "tricks" they lose their power over us. 

When these "tricks" don't work, controlling partners often ratchet up their bad behavior. Be cautious and use all available safety measures to protect yourself and children. We know that leaving is the most dangerous time. Even abusers who have not been physically abusive, may become physically violent during this time.

It’s important that survivors be positive in their hearts and minds that the relationship is over. This is not always an easy place to get to. Therapy is the best tool to help. Often we still feel love or compassion for our partner. The hope that he “may” change has been with us so long it’s hard to let it go. As we struggle with this, can we come to an agreement within ourselves that our partner’s behavior must end? Can we:

• Accept that we cannot change our partner,
• Accept that if we stay nothing will change,
• Let go of the vision of our partner changing in the near or distant future so the relationship can be rekindled, and
• Focus on this moment, right now, and what needs to be done to end the abuse?

One of the things that I found most helpful was to:

Make a List of What You Do and Don’t Love About Him 

Know that your partner will, most likely, put on the “Mr. Wonderful” facade he wore to reel you into, and hold you in, the relationship. Recognize that this is not who your partner is. To help you clarify this in your mind, divide a sheet of paper down the center. At the top of one column write “What I Love About Him” and on the other, “What I Don’t Love About Him.” Spend time listing what has been good and what has been painful about your life together. Chances are, when you’re finished, you will see how the bad far outweighs the good. You may even see that the traits listed on the love side are not really who your partner is at all, but who he’d pretended to be when you first met. (Who he’s pretending to be again to win you back.) Carry the list with you. When the ol’ heart strings start tugging on you, take out this list and remember why it’s not a good idea to stay involved with him. (I wouldn't whip out this sheet in front of your ex. We don’t want to aggravate the situation.) When he’s present, rest your hand on the folded sheet in your purse or pocket, as a reminder that you know he’s trying to con you and you’re not buying into his lies.

Having a list of what he did to you, in graphic detail, can keep you from minimizing or denying how bad the situation was. These can be painful to write. Take care of yourself. If you choose to compile this list. Don’t push yourself to do it all in one sitting. Consider having a supportive friend with you as you write.

In the next post we’ll look at some of the games abusers play to thwart your attempt to leave and stay gone.

Comments are always welcome. Click on the comment icon below and let us know how you keep your sanity as you deal with your ex.