Four Agreements to Make With Yourself

In keeping with my theme this year of books that have meaning to me, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz comes to mind. The wisdom of this book helped me put into perspective my rights and place in this world. Like our mission statement, these four agreements that we make with ourselves, are guidelines to become who we want to be. They both free us and challenge us to be authentic. Another point is that they help us to see others more objectively. Below are the four agreements along with my thoughts and questions that led me to challenge myself to do things differently.

Be impeccable with your word. “Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love”  

History has shown us that words can build up or destroy by instilling fear. Small sects to whole countries have been swayed into heinous acts against others by those who wield powerful discourse. Can our words be ones that help create healthy esteem in others? When we’re exhausted, angry, or frustrated, can we refrain from saying something that later we wish we hadn’t said? 

You’ve heard me say in several posts that we should treat ourselves as we would our best friend. What we say to and about ourselves can instill self-respect or spiral us into low self-esteem that will deliver us into unhealthy and painful life experiences. Can we use language that is kind and encouraging to ourselves?

This also spoke to my people-pleasing issue, the desire to tell others what I think they want to hear so they will like me. Instead, can we honestly express our opinions? I’m not talking about when responding to questions like “does my butt look fat in these pants?”(though that question can be answered as my friend Paula taught me, “They’re okay, but I think you can do better.”) I’m talking about who we are and what we believe. Do we know, in the deepest part of us, that we have a right to our opinion and it’s as valuable and valid as anyone else's? Do we have the courage to, in a kind way, honestly express ourselves?

The book also challenges us to pay attention to what we send out into the world. Are our words kind or hateful? Spewing hatred has caused a deep division among us. Can we spew loving words instead? Can we resist sending that nasty, judgmental email, Facebook post, or Tweet? (That’s a big order for me, especially during elections.) It only feeds the fear and hatred already cloaking the earth and thwarts any healing process. Do we want to cultivate anger and division or respect and unity? 

Don’t take anything personally. We each view the world from the perspective of personal experiences. All are very different. Being the center of our world, we come to believe that we are responsible for everything, and everything is about us. Not so. While we may know that the unkind or judgmental thing someone said about us is really “emotional garbage” from their world, we may internalize it. If what they say hurts us, we need to ask ourselves why we are accepting that garbage. Is there something inside our belief system that tells us they are right? If so, we need to clean that up. Knowing who we are and what our intentions are, we don’t accept what others say. If people cut us off as they speed by us in traffic, we don’t flip them the bird. We don’t know what’s going on in their life. They are caught up in their own world, not trying to deliberately annoy us. Like my sister occasionally reminds me, “This is not the Joanna Hunter Show.” It’s not about us, it’s about them. Can we, with compassion, accept that and let it go?

Don’t make assumptions.  When we make assumptions, we believe they are true even though we have no proof. It’s amazing how many assumptions we make in one day. Someone we know walks by us in the mall and doesn’t say “hello,” and we immediately spin an assumption, “She deliberately ignored me. She must be angry with me.” We assume that our spouse can read our minds: “He should know how I feel.” Someone makes a comment and we don’t know how to take it: “She was insulting me.” These assumptions can bring us unnecessary pain. Can we consider that our friend in the mall was deep in thought and just didn’t see us? Can we have the courage to ask for clarification when we don’t know how to take someone’s remark? Can we not expect our spouse to read our mind, and just tell him or her what we want or need? In other words, can we make the effort to keep communication clear and not assume the worst? Why not assume the best instead?

Always do your best.  “Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.”

Can we rest in the knowledge that we’ve done our best, even if it’s not what we could have done had we not had a cold, not been up all night with a sick child, or been given more time to complete the project? A number of unexpected things can interfere with our performance. Can we refrain from beating ourselves up and let it go? 

If you practice these, I think you will find, like my husband and I have, they will change your life for the better. Many years have passed since we first read the book. Yet, we still remind each other to “not take it personally,” or “you did your best, let it go.” I have to say it’s released me from a lot of guilt and frustration and made me more patient toward others. I hope you find that, too.

Rebuilding Ourselves and Our Lives After Abuse

One Facebook friend asked me if there was a book that would speak to her now that she’s left and accepted the fact that that relationship is over. I couldn’t think of any at the time. Today, as I stood before my office bookcase, scanning the shelf stuffed with books on what abuse is and how to leave, It dawned on me that I should be looking at the shelf above this one. It holds almost all the books that helped me build the skills to have the life I now have. I thought I’d share some of these books and their lessons with you this year. 

One of the first books I read was The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Its author, Stephen Covey, shares how we can develop the skills to move from dependence to independence to interdependence. Each is an important stepping stone to success in our professional and personal lives. 

Having left our abusive relationship, we are now technically independent. But, do we have the skills to take care of ourselves and our families? Possibly not. To survive we had lived in reactive mode, pushed around by someone else’s whim, not allowed to move forward, to grow. We came out with a mangled view of ourselves and obliterated our self-esteem. 

Covey tells us to be proactive. Look ahead. Where do we want to go professionally and personally? He calls it beginning with the end in mind. Even if you aren’t sure what you want to do, pick an end result. (i.e. I want to work in a medical clinic.) You can always adjust it as you move forward, uncovering your passion, developing your skills, and growing stronger. Determine what steps it will take to get to that end. (i.e. Approach friends in that field for advice. Apply for any job in a clinic. Take classes.) Then set your eyes on that future. Recognize the negative self-talk in your head is left over from the controlling people that were in your life. Tell the voice to shut up.

As you take control you will become truly independent - inner-directed and your sense of worth determined by you, not what others think of you or that defeatist voice from your past.

From independence, Covey suggests you work toward interdependence.

“Interdependence is a far more mature, more advanced concept. If I am physically interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that you and I working together can accomplish far more than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone. If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself, but I also recognize the need for love, for giving, and for receiving love from others. If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that I need the best thinking of other people to join with my own.”

Though we join with others in our professional or personal life, we remain strong enough to speak up for what we believe. We cooperate, truly listen to the other's viewpoints and try to understand their positions then negotiate a win/win solution. One that feels like a compromise, not a loss. 

Covey suggests you write a mission statement. I talked about the importance of a mission statement in a previous post (October 2013). If you haven’t done one, this is a perfect time to do it.

Covey’s book is also where I learned about emotional bank accounts (EBAs). If you’ve read my book But He’ll Change, you will be familiar with this term. In every relationship, we have an EBA where we make deposits through kindness, courtesy, honesty, and keeping commitments. Accounts are drained by cruel treatment, thoughtlessness, no regard for commitments, and any kind of abuse. Of course, we now know to let go of relationships that drain our EBA.

Another important lesson for me was to stop hacking at the branches and go to the root of a problem. This is best described by the saying, “give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” Too often we go for the quick-temporary fix and do not deal with the root of a problem. Covey taught me to look beyond the immediate relief choice and deal with the real problem.

The bottom line is to live your life with integrity. Respect yourself and others. Isn’t that the basic lesson of life - Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. Covey gives you steps to get there.

Don't Miss The Good Stuff

The holidays are here. Some of us may have mixed emotions, leftover memories of Christmases past haunting us. Often, it’s a time when single people pine for a relationship that mirrors the romantic movies and TV diamond commercials. It’s easy to go numb and walk through the holiday with blinders on hoping to not feel the pain. But, going numb means we also miss the joy of the season. 

While part of us looks forward to Christmas, another part remembers how our hopes and dreams were shattered in the past. Joyous times ended in violence. Soon, the holidays were something to dread, not anticipate. If any of that dread is still lurking in you, write in your journal, talk to a friend or therapist, and clean out the hurtful feelings that are suffocating your happiness. 

It’s common to have our self-talk convince us to block out joy as if that will prevent us from being disappointed or devastated should things go wrong. It won’t. Both disappointment and happiness come as a part of life. Focusing on the bad does not exempt us from it nor does it lessen the pain. What it does, is keep joy at bay. Should our self-talk warn us to expect the worst, let’s tell it to shut up and replace those thoughts with a list of the blessings in our lives. Rosemary Clooney, in the movie White Christmas, had it right when she sang, “When I’m worried and I can’t sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep.”  Stay present and see the beauty around you. Make a list of the good things in your life. Count your blessings.

Holidays can make your life seem empty without a partner. You feel that you can’t be happy without that “someone” in your life who makes you feel special. That’s the downer voice, again. It’s not true. Yes, the transition time between relationships often stinks - that voice inside you whispers that you’ll never find anyone who will love you, and you’ll never have a happy life. At this time of year, it’s easy to rush into a relationship hoping that this new person is the right one. Often they aren’t, and you come away devastated and the downer voice inside is reinforced. Right now, accept that you don’t have a partner and that’s okay. There are people around you that love you. Embrace that love and let it fill you. Instead of putting off living, create a wonderful holiday for yourself and others. Revel in your children’s excitement. Invite loved ones over to decorate and make cookies, feed the hungry, ring the bell, join a choir, and go caroling. Get involved in causes that mean something to you. Make each day special -- play. You may feel hollow inside at first but soon Christmas joy will fill you. Don’t put your life on hold. Create a new life that’s filled with the people and things you love. Stay aware and breathe in the holiday spirit.

You are a blessing in my life. Thank you for your notes, comments, and reviews of my book.

Merry Christmas Dear Ones.

Rebuilding Your Self-esteem

Self-esteem -- the element that underpins all the work and decisions you must make as you recover from a controlling relationship. While you’re focusing on getting housing, a job, and meeting the kid’s emotional and physical needs, it’s easy to put off caring for yourself. It feels like there is no energy left to nurture you. Even if you knew how. And you don’t need one more thing to “work” on. Chances are it’s been a long time since you even considered your needs.

You may feel like I did, exhausted, empty, and tired of taking care of everyone and everything. I wanted someone to come to save me for a change. Someone that would hold me, tell me everything would be okay, and fix my life because I didn’t believe I could do it. A knight in shining armor looks really attractive at this time. However, too often those “knights” are abusers in disguise. If we look like a weak target, they swoop right in. We have to get healthy to attract a healthy partner. 

 You have to be the one who repairs your self-esteem. Bummer, right? Others can encourage you and tell you what’s right about you, but you have to internalize it. The process you are, or will be, going through is what is going to make the needed changes. You will be amazed at yourself; how you can stand on your own two feet, fight your own battles and demand to be treated with respect- and get it. 

Most of us start out in the Wuss Section -- feeling weak and helpless. That’s why therapy, with someone trained in DV issues, is important. Group therapy is a great way to go. If you haven’t connected with a group, you should. It helps to be with others who are asking questions you hadn’t thought to ask. Some will be a little ahead of you in the healing process so they will throw some light on your pathway. All will be empathic and can be trusted with your story. Having your feelings validated starts the rebuilding process. You are not crazy. You deserve respect. He was/is a horse’s ass. 

Outside of therapy, you need to learn how to nurture yourself. You deserve time for yourself. Claiming time for yourself among the myriad of chores is difficult but not impossible if you accept that you are worth caring for. If you want to be a good mom, employee, or friend, you have to take care of yourself first. Here are some of the things that I found useful:

Change your attitude about yourself:

• Talk to yourself like you’d talk to your dearest friend. Stop the inner critic in its tracks and change to affirming and encouraging language.
• Stop calling yourself stupid. Mistakes happen, that doesn’t make you stupid it makes you human. See mistakes as “learning experiences.”
• Speak the truth about your good qualities. No more discounting yourself to anyone, especially to yourself. 
• Learn to ask for what you want. If you don’t know what you want, choose something small to start with and ask for it.
• Speak your truth firmly and kindly, even if it makes you uncomfortable. With time it will feel empowering.

Recognize and celebrate what is right in your life. 

• Start a gratitude journal. Write down a few things that you are grateful for each day.
• Pay attention to the things in your life that make you happy. Repeat them as often as possible.
• Celebrate every pocket of joy that comes along. Hold on to it as long as you can. Don’t let the “what ifs” derail your joy -- that negative self-talk saying the rug is about to be pulled out from under you.
• Take a mental picture of the precious moments in life. Savor them and at night when you get into bed run a slide show through your mind.
• Carry a notebook. When someone says something nice about you, write it down. 

Nurture yourself:

• Use your good dishes and towels. You deserve them.
• Take a bubble bath with candles, and a glass of wine or juice in a pretty goblet.
• Let the cleaning wait. Do an activity you enjoy.
• Reread your gratitude journal and the nice comments collected in your notebook.
• Create a spot for your treasures -- Items that have meaning to you -- shells from the beach, cards you’ve received, pictures, and sayings that encourage you. Visit them, and touch them often.
• Learn to meditate/pray. Spend a few minutes a day remembering that some being/something bigger than you deeply loves and values you.
• Look into your own eyes and say, "I love you."

Manage your time so that you are doing most of the things that energize you:

• Say, “I’ll have to get back to you with my response” instead of an immediate “Yes” when someone makes a request. Then take time to decide if you truly want to participate. If you lose a friend because you said no, they weren’t your friend in the beginning.
• “Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you” Alan Alda. If they aren’t fair, let the friendship go.
• Helping someone else should never hurt you. It’s okay to say, “I’ve done all I am able to do. Sorry, I can’t help you any further.” Everyone has their own journey. We have to let them travel it. Carrying them down their pathway will keep them from learning their intended lessons.

Decisions become easier when you've regained your self-confidence which grows from good self-esteem. 

What activities have helped you rebuild your self-esteem?

Tip For Moving On: Write a Mission Statement

When all your boundaries have been violated, it’s hard to set new ones, let alone, know what reasonable boundaries look like. When you’ve lived for a number of years by someone else's rules, it’s hard to know what your own “rules” are. When you’ve jumped to respond to others needs ahead of, or in spite of, your own, you forget that you even matter. These are only a few of the unhealthy things we take with us as we leave a violent relationship.

Writing a mission statement can help you reevaluate and determine the direction you want to go. It can awakened your ability to stop and listen to your inner spirit, that little voice inside that says, “This doesn’t feel right,” or “I’ve always wanted to  _____.”

A mission statement is your personal constitution. An expression of your vision and values. Written down, it becomes you road map and touchstone to what is important to you.  It may start out as a few vague lines, but with time, you will clarify your vision and make adjustments.

It will take some serious thought and time to develop as you think through your priorities and clarify your goals. It’s important that you write them out. Then you can begin aligning your behavior with your statement. Decisions become easier. Does this go along with my mission statement or against it? Acting on your values may feel uncomfortable at first (especially if, like me, people-pleasing has been a problem for you, or you’ve not been allowed to express your true feelings.) However, you will feel a sense of pride that you are taking control of your future. 

As you start, plan to:

• Keep it simple. Go for 3-4 sentences at first. 
• Keep it positive. “I will speak the truth with respect and kindness.” Not “I won’t let people tell me with to think.”
• Include goals for your personal growth. (i.e. spend time reading, in nature, school.)
• Include goals for your family life, and
• Goals for yourself as an employee.

When I began to work on mine, I knew that I wanted to be and kind and confident woman. I was shaky in what kind of a job I wanted, but did know I could keep putting one foot in front of the other and watch for opportunities. 

I asked myself-- what is important to me as a woman, mother, worker, friend, and potential partner? What did I want to change about the way I was living?

Being a people-pleaser caused a myriad of problems. To put and end to this trait, my mission statement started with: Have integrity by speaking my truth firmly and with kindness. This felt very uncomfortable in the beginning. With time it became easier.

At first I wasn’t sure what my truth actually was. So, I pledged that instead of responding with an immediate “Yes” when asked to do something, I would say “I’ll get back to you,” or “Let me think about it.” This allowed me to take time to check my schedule, get quiet and listen to my spirit. No more overloading my schedule or doing something I wasn’t enthused about, then later, feeling angry and resentful.

Another part of speaking my truth was to stop biting my tongue when I didn’t agree with others. I promised myself that I would take a deep breath and express my opinion without criticizing other’s for theirs. It also meant I’d removed myself from situations or relationships that did not align with my values. (Yep, this may cost friendships, but it opens the door for new friends whose values are similar to yours.)

For too long, I had put everyone else ahead of me. I needed to learn how to nurture myself. While I knew that sometimes other’s needs would trump mine (i.e. a child in need of stitches,) this should not be the norm. I included; Take time for myself by nourishing my body and spirit with time alone, healthy food, exercise, yoga, meditation. I blocked off time on my calendar and held to it no matter what request came my way. The most important promises we can keep are those we make to ourselves. To break one of those is a betrayal of self that damages our self-esteem.

When I wrote the original version of my mission statement, I had children at home. The statement included; Keep my children the priority in my life by giving them my time, attention and providing a safe home. This meant I was very careful who I allowed into our lives and apartment.

When it came to being a friend, it was important to me to Laugh with my friends often, meet them where they are emotionally, and do more listening than talking.

Once on paper, you have a starting point. As you grow into your vision you will continue to refine and expand it. Best of all, you will boost your self-esteem and self-confidence by living in alignment with your intentions. Remember to be kind to yourself as you stretch some new and unused muscles.

Search for Mission Statements if you’d like to see an array of templates and suggestions. Or go to www.franklincovey.com/msb where you can build one by filling in the blanks. 

If you are willing to share your experience, click on the comment link below or stop over on my Facebook page and let us know what worked for you as you built your personal mission statement.

I'd Like to be the One to See You Through

Janis Ian sings a sorrow-filled, haunting song called From Me to You where she says: 

I’m  leaving by night

I’m leaving alone

I’m leaving it lie

When you waken I’ll be gone

I would not beg for me

As I would not beg for you

Though I’d like to be the one to see you through

It’s that last line that echoed in my head after I left my abuser. It’s one of the reasons we stay or are drawn back into unhealthy relationships. We’d like to be the one to see him through his inner struggle.

Many of us saw the vulnerable, pain-filled spirit inside our partners. We felt compassion. We spent 10, 20, maybe 45 years trying to heal his pain. We felt guilty that we were not successful. We didn’t want to give up on him. Couldn’t imagine anything worse then giving up on someone. He’d told us stories of how family and previous lovers had let him down. We wanted to be the one that stood by him, put our arms around him and assured him that everything would be okay. We wanted to save him, thinking that if we could do that, it would prove that we were worthy. (but that’s another blog)

It didn’t seem like an insurmountable task. He wanted to be treated with respect. We could do that. He wanted devotion, an eager sexual partner, children and a stable home. We could do that. After all, we wanted the same for ourselves. The answer seemed simple. All we had to do was love him unconditionally. Give him time to see that we were trustworthy, weren’t going to take advantage of him.

The problem was he wasn’t willing and saw no need to reciprocate. 

Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” talks about Emotional Bank Accounts (EBA) between people. Kind words and actions fill the other’s EBA, harsh words empty it. If you have a friend who is always late for your lunch dates, you think, “She doesn’t value our relationship.” and you feel hurt and angry. If you have a friend who is never late, but this one time she is, instead of being angry you are apt to be worried. She’s made enough deposits into your EBA that one mishap doesn’t drain it. 

In a relationship where one person is doing all the giving and yielding to the other and rarely, if ever, receiving it isn’t long before their EBA is empty. Abuser’s don’t recognize others’ feelings. They don’t get it. According to our logic, if our partner treats us with love and respect, we would return the love a hundred fold, giving him the devotion he craves. We’d knock ourselves out to meet his needs and express our love in a million small and grand ways. We’d be that enthusiastic lover he talks about.

Controllers believe they get what they want because they demand it. Abusers logic tells them that if they treat us with respect they would become vulnerable. It would be giving in, becoming pussy-whipped, losing the battle between the sexes. How would that look to their friends? 

My partner talked a lot in terms of the war between the sexes. The concept was foreign to me. The more I tried to prove that I wasn’t in a power struggle with him the more adamant he became. He assured me that if given a chance I’d become a controlling bitch and made it known that he, not me, would be in charge at any cost. 

When our Emotional Bank Accounts run out, hopefully, we leave. An aching sadness comes with the realization that love doesn’t conquer all. It can never drive out the abuser’s need for absolute control. That is something the abuser has to relinquish on his own, then decide if he’s willing to do the work it takes to heal the pain inside him and relearn how to treat others. If the relationship isn’t important enough to him to go into treatment, there is nothing we can do. We can’t heal another. We can accompany him on his journey and be supportive, but not fix him. If it’s a journey he’s not willing to take, we have to do what’s necessary to save ourselves. 

Another song was popular around the time I left, “Sunshine” by the Isley Brothers. One line became an ear-worm to keep me strong: 

You can’t even run your own life, 

I’ll be damned if you’ll run mine. 

It took a while to understand that I didn’t have to be “the one.” All I had to do was be who I was and move on when it was time. We are all influenced and shaped by the variety of people who move in and out of our lives. No one person is our everything, and we cannot be someone else’s everything.

Forgiving Yourself

This could be the shortest bog I’ll ever write -- you have nothing to forgive. End of post.

While it’s the truth, you and I know it’s not that easy. It can take some time to internalize this knowledge. Still, when we think we’ve got it, some thought twirls up through the darkness of our past to needle us. “Maybe if I had stood up to him sooner.” “I should have left earlier.” “I let myself and children get into that mess.” All statements that blame us for something we couldn’t do or if we had done, would not have made a difference.

Having spent years believing that we were responsible for all the problems, our minds were on a spinning carousel searching for a way to make things better. We were convinced that we could make sense of things, so we could fix the relationship. There was no answer to be found because our partners were intentionally inconsistent to keep us off balance. They knew that as long as we were focused on trying to figure out what they wanted and expected, we wouldn’t have an opportunity to step back and see how outrageous they were treating us and leave them.

 Combine that with the constant battering of our self-esteem (teaching us that we are incompetent)--learned helplessness sets in. Scientists discovered that when an animal, trapped in a painful situation for a period of time, is given a way to avoid the pain it doesn’t take that opportunity. In the same manner humans who have had so many bad things happen that are beyond their control become exhausted and give up. They began to think, “Why bother. Nothing I do will make things better, anyway.” Learned helplessness. 

That was a lot to wrestle with, let alone find our way to freedom. But we did. We left.

Finding a safe place to live, work and raise our kids was a struggle. Those daily needs had to be a priority to survive, so we kept putting one foot in front of the other. Did we give ourselves credit for surviving? Did we see the magnificence of our efforts and achievements?  I hope so.

Out of the immediate danger, we believe we’ve come to terms with the truth--our former relationship would never have changed. However, inside our head that carousel is still turning. The feeling that we were responsible for the problems hasn’t left us. Nasty “I” statements that blame us for the whole mess haunt us. Let’s look at a few.

I let myself get into the relationship. We met a guy who lied to us about who he was. He played games with us. Told us what he knew we wanted to hear. How could we know that he wasn’t sincere? We couldn’t. Only time would tell us that. Just like a sleazy salesman, he put an unspoken time limit on his glowing offer of himself. Feeling very much in love, we rejoiced in his desire to be a couple and didn’t want to miss out on what appeared as a wonderful opportunity. Did we know this rushing into coupledom is a red flag. Not then. We do, now. We ended up in this relationship because we were tricked. That doesn’t make us stupid, it makes us human. We’ve learned an important lesson. Someone who really cares about us will give us the time we need to make a good decision about our future.

I put my kids through that. You did not make their home unsafe, your partner did. All you had control over was yourself--being the best Mom you could be under the circumstances. Your partner had the responsibility to cooperate with you to create a safe and loving home. You are not responsible for your partner’s behavior. You did the best you knew how to do at that time. Now you know better and will do better.  Seeing you leave the relationship and build a new life was, and is, an important lesson for your children.

I stayed too long. The relationship may have become too deadly, painful or you realized that things were not going to change. What ever the reason was, you left. You may wish that you had done it sooner, but you couldn’t leave until you were ready. Only you could determine when it’s time. Now that you know the red flags of an unhealthy relationship, you’re less likely to end up in another or if you do you will leave sooner.

When those self-doubts strut into our thoughts, let’s greet them with the truth- “I am sad that my children and I went through a terrible situation. I am not responsible for my former partner’s bad behavior. There was nothing I could do to change him. End of discussion. Go away.”