PTSD - Who Me?

When an idea for a blog comes, I’ve learned to jot it down immediately and a little description of my intention. Otherwise, by the time I start to write I have no idea what I was thinking. Too many middle-of-the-night, writing-in-the-dark, indecipherable-scribbles have taught me to get up and go to the computer to make notes.

For several months, I’ve had a document called “Healing from the Numbness” on my desktop. I’d planned to talk about how many of us used numbness to cope with the constraints of the abuse. Our abusers trained us to let go of our desire to pursue the things we enjoyed and instilled this habit in us by linking pain to any attempt we made to thrive. We learned to go numb, saying, "It really doesn't matter, anyway." When we left the relationship, the habit remained. Many of us have said, “I don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t know what to do with my life.” In my blog, I’d planned to talk about rediscovering our gifts and talents. About coming alive, reminding ourselves that we can go out to lunch with friends, see a move, take a painting class, be spontaneous. Especially, do things to show ourselves that we can set and pursue our goals and be rewarded not punished.

Somehow I could never get myself to write this blog. Other ideas seemed to stand up and wave their arms at me like eager kindergardeners, “Do me first!” They shouted. It was a good thing I waited, (a divine thing, as in, it was meant to be) While what I’d been thinking of writing is valid, the numbness concept for me has expanded.

Over dinner with a girlfriend one evening, I told her how after a speaking engagement it seems to take me longer and longer to shake off the darkness of my abuse experience. The heaviness, that once faded in the few minutes it took me to drive home, was now lingering for about 3 days. During this time, I had a hard time concentrating on anything, felt excessively tired and had to push myself to get things done. It felt like my brain had numbed out and refused to function. My husband, noticed the change in me.

My friend, a therapist, looked at me over a forkful of pasta, and said, “Were you ever treated for PTSD?”

When I left my ex no one knew about PTSD. I never considered that it was a problem for me. Really hadn’t been, so I thought. Good grief, the terrifying nightmares stopped about 25 years ago! If my ex does show up in a dream, he’s innocuous and I feel no fear. When I remember or talk about something that had happened, I'm not filled with fear or feel like I’m reliving the experience, but say to myself, “He did a cruel and terrible thing to me. It was not okay. That was then. This is now.” Didn’t that mean I had it licked?

My friend referred me to a therapist who works with those struggling with PTSD. I was tested. While talking with my therapist, I recounted a recent incident where I felt trapped in a car with an enraged driver - the trigger that change things. Being an advocate of touching base with a mental health expert as needed, I’m in treatment and discovering more about this numbing-out coping mechanism. 

At first I was stunned that I found myself in that car at that moment. Yes, and a little angry with myself. But, honestly, we can learn to recognize clear signs of danger and back away from people who are potentially violent. However, we can’t assume that everyone who shows signs of stubbornness, narcissism, anger (or any of the unflattering traits we all possess to some degree), are going choose a dangerous response under stress. Apparently, I’d forgotten that. This incident reminded me that all of us can find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation. People are going to act out, unexpectedly. When it happens we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not seeing some sign, just move ourselves to a place that is safe. We can learn techniques to prevent one episode from sending us back into the darkness. Then celebrate how far we’ve come. We saw it. We faced it. We didn't take responsibility for what happened. We put the blame where it belonged and sought help from a therapist- if needed, then moved on.

There is alway more I can learn about the affects and effects of domestic violence. I’ll be sharing insights as things progress. Stay tuned...

Comments are always welcome. Click on the Comment link below.

Standing Strong After You Leave (Part 3)

In the last two posts we looked at how we can stand strong against our abuser’s attempts to continue the relationship by turning on the Mr. Wonderful act and playing games with us to gain our sympathy and lure us back. In this final post, we’ll look at how we can respond to our ex’s attempts to re-establish their power position.

Lacking power in our former relationship, we spent a lot of time justifying ourselves durring our partners’ interrogation and accusations. Over the years, it became rote. Without missing a beat, our immediate response is to explain and defend ourselves.

After leaving our partners, we do not have to listen to or respond to their interrogations. And we shouldn’t. Abusers often aren’t interested in our responses anyway. We know they will never see our point of view or change theirs. We also know that our partners excel at twisting our words to make us sound crazy, stupid and inept. Their intention is to use this interaction to stir up the self-debasing messages they’ve planted in us, making us feel inadequate, fearful and powerless. By re-creating the unequal balance of power environment, they believe they have more leverage to bully us into complying with their demands. The best way to avoid this is to not converse with them. 

One of my therapists helped me develop what she called Broken Record Responses, pat replies designed to end a conversation politely and firmly. These did not include any information about me, my plans for the future or give any opening that allowed for further inquiry or response from my ex. We know that any information we give our exes can provide them with areas where we are vulnerable, opening us up to attack. You owe your ex no information beyond what the court orders you to disclose. 

Below are some examples you can use to put an end to the conversation. Develop statements that are unique to your situation. When your ex tries to start a conversation or provoke you, use the broken record response that fits. If he persists, repeat it once more, then walk away. 

• “The children and I are fine. Thank you for your concern.” 

• “I have it under control.” 

• “You can direct your questions and concerns to my attorney.” 

• “I’ll take that up with my attorney.”

It’s important to remain firm and direct with your ex. Never waste your time arguing with him. Keeping your focus on him is exactly what he wants. The longer he can keep you engaged the longer he will continue to play games with you. Over time, your ex will get tired of hearing the broken record responses and know that his tactics will no longer work with you.

In closing, I want to say, I love Taylor Swift’s song “We are never, ever ever ever getting back together, like never.” I find it empowering.

What worked for you? Click on the comments link below and share your thoughts with us.

Standing Strong After You Leave (Part 2)

In the previous post we talked about making a list of what we did and did not like about our partner. Reviewing that list helps us remember why we left. We can see that what we did love about him is far outweighed by what we didn’t. In most cases, we discovered that who we thought our partner was, Mr. Wonderful, was not who he really is. The person we loved was the facade our partner presented to get what he wanted. It wasn’t him. 

We can expect that as soon as we leave, Mr. Wonderful will reappear. However, below that mask is a cold, calculating mind working against us. We need to recognize the games he plays to subvert the power we’ve taken back. Once we understand the way our partners are trying to manipulate us, we can emotionally step back and call the behavior what it is. I suggest you give the games a name.

The Gonna make you act-out Game - He will try to come across to others as calm, collected, the sane one. He will tell outrageous lies designed to rile you and make you come unglued. His intention is to point at you and tell the court system, child protective services, friends, “Look how crazy she is. See what I have to put up with.” Don’t fall for this game. As angry as he makes you, remain calm and let the system work. Your peaceful demeanor may very well rile him, causing him to expose his true self. Stay steady and speak the truth no matter how embarrassed you feel. The shame belongs to him.

The Garner Sympathy Game - He knows the statements that have worked in the past. When they don’t work, he’ll come up with others. “I can’t live without you. I’ll kill myself.” “I thought you loved me.” “You’re taking my children away from me.” “You’re deserting me just like everyone always has.” “I’m in therapy. I need your help to change.” “The police took me to jail. It’s horrible. Do you know what miserable things I’m suffering here? Sleeping on a cold slab?” “The other inmates are threatening me.” “I don’t think I can survive much longer.” And thousands of other statements designed to tug at your heart or guilt you into giving in. If his behavior made you leave or put him in jail, it’s his fault, not yours. For years he’s taught you that you must fix everything for him, take care of him, cover up his bad behavior and clean up his messes. It’s his job to clean up his messes. As long as you do it he will not take responsibility for himself. You are only responsible for your behavior. He is responsible for the consequences of his.

The It’s Us Against the World Game - “Our love is so special/unique that no one else understands it.” “Other’s want to destroy us. We have to stick together.” “Other’s are plotting against us.” “You’re parents always hated me. They’re making you do this.” These are some of the declarations he may use to solidify your relationship and make other’s/the system the enemy. He’s blaming the outcome for his behavior on others.

The False Concern Game - “Are you and the children okay?” “Are you having any luck finding a job?” “We don’t need 2 attorneys. Most of them are sharks. I have someone who we can work with.” “I want what’s best for you and the kids.”  These are attempts to awaken the fear-based messages you received throughout the relationship; you are not capable of surviving without him, you don’t make good decisions, you can’t provide for your children, or survive alone in this dangerous world. No matter what your partner says, most definitely, hire your own attorney.

The Easing His Way Back into Your Life Game - “It seems foolish for us to pay two rents/house payments. Let me stay in the guest room (downstairs, or share one of the children’s rooms.) That way I’ll be there to protect you and the kids.” Once again, he’s playing the fear card. 

He may also try to re-hook you emotionally with sex. "Even if we’re divorced doesn’t mean we can’t have sex. Remember how great it was?" Never have sex with your ex.

The We Need To Talk (About the Children, Money, Property settlement, etc) Game. He want’s to meet with you alone. He may lure you with the promise of money or some item you cherish that’s in his possession. This may be a ploy to put you in a vulnerable position where he can terrorize you or harm you. Don’t buy into it, it’s too dangerous. Even those who have not been physically abusive, may, in desperation, step up their aggressiveness and harm you. Never meet your soon-to-be-ex alone or in a secluded place.

I’m sure you can come up with other games. I suggest you list the statements you expect your partner will use against you. Identify his intent with each statement. That way when you hear it from his (or her) mouth - try not to laugh aloud - you can mentally tick it off your list, “Oh, yes, this is the sympathy game. I refuse to buy into it.” This will redirect your thoughts, help you step back and not get caught up in the drama. 

I’d love to hear the games you’ve come up against. Please click on the comment link below and tell us what innovated game your ex plays. Feedback is available for those who ask.

Staying Strong After You've Left - Part 1

Survivors often ask me, “How do I stay strong and deal with my ex after I leave? He (or she) is still trying to control me and is pushing my buttons.” This is a good question to address with your therapist or in therapy group. They’ll have many helpful suggestions. I have a few thought on the issue, things that worked for me. I’ll deal with one of them here and others over the next few posts.

One of the reasons abusers can so callously attack their partners is that they have de-humanized them. Controlling partners believe that their victims are property. When a victim decides to walk away, the controller is stunned and cannot believe it is happening. As he sees it, the victim has no rights. The abuser cannot accept that the partner is actually going to leave. So, he will open the bag of tricks that have always drawn the victim back into compliance. If we can identify those "tricks" they lose their power over us. 

When these "tricks" don't work, controlling partners often ratchet up their bad behavior. Be cautious and use all available safety measures to protect yourself and children. We know that leaving is the most dangerous time. Even abusers who have not been physically abusive, may become physically violent during this time.

It’s important that survivors be positive in their hearts and minds that the relationship is over. This is not always an easy place to get to. Therapy is the best tool to help. Often we still feel love or compassion for our partner. The hope that he “may” change has been with us so long it’s hard to let it go. As we struggle with this, can we come to an agreement within ourselves that our partner’s behavior must end? Can we:

• Accept that we cannot change our partner,
• Accept that if we stay nothing will change,
• Let go of the vision of our partner changing in the near or distant future so the relationship can be rekindled, and
• Focus on this moment, right now, and what needs to be done to end the abuse?

One of the things that I found most helpful was to:

Make a List of What You Do and Don’t Love About Him 

Know that your partner will, most likely, put on the “Mr. Wonderful” facade he wore to reel you into, and hold you in, the relationship. Recognize that this is not who your partner is. To help you clarify this in your mind, divide a sheet of paper down the center. At the top of one column write “What I Love About Him” and on the other, “What I Don’t Love About Him.” Spend time listing what has been good and what has been painful about your life together. Chances are, when you’re finished, you will see how the bad far outweighs the good. You may even see that the traits listed on the love side are not really who your partner is at all, but who he’d pretended to be when you first met. (Who he’s pretending to be again to win you back.) Carry the list with you. When the ol’ heart strings start tugging on you, take out this list and remember why it’s not a good idea to stay involved with him. (I wouldn't whip out this sheet in front of your ex. We don’t want to aggravate the situation.) When he’s present, rest your hand on the folded sheet in your purse or pocket, as a reminder that you know he’s trying to con you and you’re not buying into his lies.

Having a list of what he did to you, in graphic detail, can keep you from minimizing or denying how bad the situation was. These can be painful to write. Take care of yourself. If you choose to compile this list. Don’t push yourself to do it all in one sitting. Consider having a supportive friend with you as you write.

In the next post we’ll look at some of the games abusers play to thwart your attempt to leave and stay gone.

Comments are always welcome. Click on the comment icon below and let us know how you keep your sanity as you deal with your ex.

Set Your Wings

My husband and I took Watson, our dog, for a walk in a local park. As we rounded a corner leading to a duck filled pond, my husband said, “Look.” He pointed to a flock of birds flying overhead. “Watch as they set their wings to come in to land on the pond.” As he predicted, they all held their wings steady and gently glided down to the occupied pond. Each one landing among the floating ducks without disrupting any. 

This was an aha moments for me. I’ve been reading a lot about the power of intention lately. Gary Zukav talks about it in his book “The Seat of the Soul.” Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer and others. They have a lot to say about it, starting with knowing we can live with the intention to be kind and loving or angry and frustrated. On to asking for the right partner, job or situation to come into our lives. This is not a new concept. The Bible tells us to ask, seek, knock, and trust that it will be so. The more difficult of those for me is trust.

As I’ve struggled with this belief over the years, I’ve learned that we can also put our intention into hopeless places, hanging on to wishes and dreams that are not in our best interest or are thwarted by other’s intentions. 

Years ago, I thought my intention  to create a happy, loving, mutually fulfilling marriage was reasonable.  It was. However, I included a caveat that it would be with someone who was not a willing participant. I was intent on beating the odds that our marriage would work out. I tried to manifest my vision from a anxious, grasping, hang-on-at-all-costs mind-set. I was so determined to save that marriage that I couldn’t see the damage it was doing to me as well as my children. When I had exhausted all my energy, I faced the truth that I would never have the kind of marriage I’d hoped for with this person. His vision was vastly different from mine. When I surrendered my will to God’s, the marriage ended.

I didn’t lose the intention to live in a happy marriage, I just quit holding on to who I expected would be my partner. My mind-set was now from a place of peace and trust. I set my wings, and rode the breath of God to my current husband. Every day I am grateful for him and cherish every moment we share.

Along the same line, we can set our intention to work in a job that matches and fuels our passion in life, or one that just keeps bread on the table but sucks all the joy out of us. The choice is ours alone. I believe that we come to this earth with a God-given passion inside us. Sometimes we get side-tracked and we feel frustrated and unhappy. We can aim to find a job that fulfills us by keeping our options open to what that job might be. Then pay attention to open doors and whispered directions from our spirit, guiding us to opportunities, paid and unpaid. It takes trust. 

• Trust that each job or activity provides us with a skill we’ll need for that perfect job.

• Trust in our intuition (our gut) as we pick between opportunities.

• Trust that we will arrive at exactly the right place at the right time with the right skills.

The duck landing was a beautiful example for relaxing into a new year. We can set our intention, then quit flapping around. We’ll weather the difficulties and neither let self-doubts take us off course nor do we try to fly faster. We let things unfold in their own time as we slide into our God-given purpose on this earth. All we have to do is stay open and aware. All will be well.

 I’ve set my wings for the New Year. How about you?

Embracing Peace and Wallowing in Joy

I had an aha moment reading Martha Beck’s article “Wild Life” in the December issue of O magazine. I’ve been thinking about writing a blog on watching for the pockets of joy this holiday season. It’s so easy for us to focus on what we don’t have. What we think keeps the holiday, or our lives for that matter, from being “perfect.” 

I do want to encourage you to embrace the holy-moments. The times when you see how truly blesses you are. How far you’ve come, the good decisions you are now making, the times when you were in the right moment at the right time. Let gratitude wash over you. Savor it.

The article in O gave me some additional insights. According to Martha we’ve lived with so much drama in our lives, that when times are peaceful, we create drama. We start to dwell on what’s not right, what could happen, what happened years ago. Man, that hit me right between the eyes. Yes, we are drawn to conflict. TV, books, games all depend on conflict to keep our attention.  We’re hounded by it every day.

As Martha suggests, Suppose, we make the decision today to embrace peaceful moments? We stop our brains in their tracks when we find our thoughts jumping onto the drama carousel. How would your life be different if you embraced a tranquil moment and savored it? I mean really got down and wallowed in the deliciousness of its joy? I think I’d find myself less likely to seek out drama and more anxious to live with peace.

That’s my goal is for this holiday season and beyond. What is yours?

Birthing a New Future

In The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo talks about the birth of a chick. After eating all the food provided in the shell, it’s grown to fill the space and begins to feel cramped. It cannot stay contained in that tiny shell or it will die. It stretches and pecks, breaking the eggshell - birth.  

As we grow we change physically. Wayne Dyer talks about how our spirit inhabits and outgrows an infant body, adolescent body and finally into an adult body. Though, Even our adult body changes as the cells die off and new ones replace the old.  Growth, a necessary part of life. 

When it comes to our spirits, stretching and growing can be painful. It seems our most significant spiritual births are often accompanied by great discomfort and anxiety about the coming change. We may even fight it, making it more difficult. But, our spirits will continue to grow beyond our current existence. At some point, we have to make a conscious decision to move on or stay trapped in the shell of our circumstance and run the risk of suffocating. 

I experienced this most acutely before leaving my abusive partner. Like many victims of domestic violence, I lived in a stifling relationship. Yet, my spirit began preparing me for a new birth, showing me that I could no longer live that way. It bubbled up as uncontrollable grief, health problems, anxiety, fear and more. I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to know it. Was terrified of the unknown- how would I exist outside in a world I was unprepared for and taught to not trust. But, the day came when the pain of staying was more brutal than the fear of leaving. Like the chick, fighting for its life, I faced the truth and broke out of the shell. 

Once a victim leaves, the relationship can nether stay nor go back to the way it was. The old life is irreparably broken. If we try to work things out with our partner, the truth smolders within us, an ember of resentment that will devour us. Some victims reach for alcohol, drugs or other addictions to silence it, compounding the pain. Others move on to a new life.

For those of us who move on, there are many new births as we quickly learn to reclaim our life and catch up to where we would have been had we not been stifled. Every new day is a celebration of freedom, learning and growing as we break through the shells that isolated us from our gifts and abilities, our support base and ourselves. We come to  trust ourself and listen to our inner-voice. Then we can anticipate, welcome and celebrate each unfolding birth.