Intimate Partner Violence: One Woman's Story

Dear friends of Moving Up On the People Who Deserve Happiness List,

This month I am a guest blogger on Rachel Grant’s blog.  See my 4 part series Intimate Partner Violence: One Woman's Story at-- http://rachelgrantcoaching.blogspot.com/2015/06/one-womans-story-inside-world-of_8.html

Joanna

Every Good Choice Equals Success

We usually define success as that place where we arrive after a lot of hard work. What I've learned is that we are already successful just by setting our sights on a worthy goal and taking the first step in that direction. When you think about it, it makes sense. Every choice we make moves us closer to or away from the life we want. 

Coming out of a violent relationship, we seek a happier, more fulfilling, and peaceful life. We may have a clear vision of what that would look like or we may have only a vague idea. Either way, it doesn’t matter, our vision can be developed and tweaked as we move along re-learning who we want to be and what we want to do with our lives?  

As we pull our lives together we are often engaged in an exhausting battle with our ex-partners over the children and possessions. If we keep our focus only on the struggles it’s draining and easy to give up. If we set a worthy goal for ourselves, one that aligns with our values, we will subconsciously be working toward that ideal. Does that make those daily battles any easier? No. We still have to put one foot in front of the other to deal with the difficult stuff. However, what it does give us is a solid foundation that holds us aloft, hope and expectation for a better future, that light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

What I am suggesting is that while we keep our eyes on our goals let’s also broaden our vision to include celebrating the changes we see in ourselves every day. Every good choice is a success. Every release of an old habit that held us back is a success. As we fill our lives with behaviors and beliefs that aligned with our values, the old detrimental behaviors and beliefs fade away, moving us closer to who and what we want to be. Our self-esteem grows giving us more strength to continue moving forward.

Here are some suggestions to help you get started:

Write a Mission Statement, an expression of your vision and values. Reflect on what is important to you. Keep it simple, just 3-4 sentences. Use positive statements such as; My home is a safe place filled with peace and kindness, I respect myself and others. Your mission statement can be adjusted as your life evolves. (See my post for 2013.10.01 for more about writing a mission statement.)

Create a Vision Board, to support your Mission Statement. On your computer or a bulletin board, collect and post things that bring you joy, words that you would like to describe yourself, your passions, affirmations that lift you up, and pictures of people you admire. Anything related to your hopes for your future. Put the board where you will see it every day. It will help you keep your focus on where you are going. 

By doing these two activities, you are already moving in the direction you want to go. The decisions you make from this point on are measured against whether they will move you closer to your plan for your future or away from it. 

If you are looking for a better job, make a list of the things that light up your soul, and your passions. Post them on your board. Let your choices move you in the direction of a job that will align with your passions. Take a night class, or computer course, or study on your own. Network, get out among people who enjoy the things you do, and let them know you are job hunting. Knock on doors. See every “no” as another step closer to  a “yes.”

If you are looking for a healthy relationship, list what you have to offer a partner then list the traits you want in a partner and post them on your vision board. As you meet potential partners, keep your eyes open and don’t minimize or explain away the red flags, i.e. rushing you into an intimate relationship, hurting your feelings then calling you “too sensitive.” You’ve pledged to respect yourself. If you feel rushed or disrespected, the relationship is over. Keep your kind heart in check and don’t get hooked into trying to fix someone else's life, this is the time to focus on your own. (You are not being selfish.)

Gather a support group around you. People who are positive and uplifting. People who will call you out in a loving way when you’ve strayed from your path. Those who will meet you where you are and listen more than talk. Ones who let you talk out your struggle until you’ve come up with the best solution.

Keep a journal. It’s a great way to measure your success and see how far you’ve come. List all your success. Your first is the fact that you made the decision to leave an unhealthy relationship. Then you actually left, no small feat and another huge success. Now you are learning to let go of the false beliefs and relearning what a remarkable and gifted person you are. Keep a record of all your thoughts and feelings. Review your journal to remind yourself how far you’ve come.

This journey is a learning experience. That means there are no mistakes, just redirections. Setbacks will come, use them to reevaluate and tweak your vision. When the “old” behaviors try to take over, congratulate yourself for recognizing them and celebrate the fact that you no longer let them control you. Trust your vision to direct your path as the life you are meant to have unfolds.

Take a moment right now to celebrate your successes. Let’s happy dance!

Fifty Shades of Grief

I read Fifty Shades of Grey to see what all the hype was about. I have to say that I found it disturbing. I have no argument with adults exploring their sexuality in whatever manner they agree upon. What concerns me is the message this book sends to young men and women-teens.

The book doesn’t depict a loving, healthy relationship but manipulating games. I don’t want young girls or guys thinking this is what sex is about. Healthy sex is so much better than the grief that comes from trying to live up to someone's demands. I’d hate to have teens think they have to be like these characters to be desired by another. 

In my opinion, great sex happens when two willing partners come to the encounter and each is as concerned about the other’s pleasure as they are about their own. That doesn’t occur in this book. Anastasia is manipulated into the relationship. She’s an innocent who is teased by Christian, baited, coerced, and made over into who he wants her to be. She lives in constant fear of his wrath. She may have baled early on in the relationship if her friend didn’t keep telling her how hot he is and lucky she is. This is a common occurrence in violent relationships. Outsiders don’t see the dark side of the abuser only the facade. Victims don't want to admit how afraid they are.

It’s hard to end teen dating violence when the media glamorizes bad boys, the ones who are cold, withhold love, and feel entitled to have everything their way. These are red flags we want our teens to recognize and walk away from. Like Anastasia, women are drawn in because their compassionate hearts want to heal the guy’s pain. She cannot. While hope that he will change holds her in the relationship, she is not the one who needs to do the work to change him. That’s his job. If he’s not willing to do it, he will not change. One of the biggest emotional shackle for women is that he often claims to want to change but can’t without her help. This is a lie to make her feel in control of his healing and stay. It’s his responsibility to work on his false beliefs and the many issues that cause his behavior. If he doesn’t, there will be no change.

Teens should know that in a healthy relationship both partners are willing to share who they are and how they feel and those feeling are respected. Like Anastasia, to be denied the pleasure of caressing and pleasuring your partner is denying you the enjoyment of expressing your love. Just because there is an orgasm, doesn’t mean the sex is healthy. He may know the mechanics to bring her to orgasm, but without a loving two-way relationship, sex is hollow. How she feels after the encounter is important. Healthy sex brings you closer and fills you with joy. Mechanical sex leaves you empty. Lack of connection heaps of unhealthy baggage on a partner by someone with a ton of his own. A woman doesn't need to start her sexual journey with someone who skews her understanding of what a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship is.

This book is fantasy. As adults, we’ve been around the block enough to know fantasy from reality. I am concerned that young, inexperienced women will rush into experimenting with fantasies before they’ve built a trusting relationship with their partner. When fantasizing, you are in control of the situation. When another person is introduced into the fantasy, you are no longer in complete control. Having a partner that plays fantasies out with you is great; within a safe relationship where either can say “stop” at any time and know he or she will not be ignored or rejected for doing so. Playing out a fantasy with someone who is not trustworthy can be deadly.

Our teens are inundated with sex and stereotypes. Chances are your teen has already read the 50 Shades series. That’s why it is so important that you talk with your kids about healthy relationships and sex. You can use the 50 Shades books or the movie to point out the unhealthy and dangerous parts of the relationship. It may not be an easy conversation to have, but it’s important for your teen's safety.

Girl Claims Beating is Proof of Love

Dr. Phil aired an interview with an 18-year-old girl who gives dating advice to others using Youtube. Seems she is very popular with younger girls. Deadly serious (deadly is the appropriate word here) she stated that a girl should be grateful if her boyfriend beats her. Why? Because he was taking his time to teach her how to behave better as his girlfriend. It means he loves her. Furthermore, she said he was investing his time and money in her so she should be grateful. In a later Youtube video, she claims she broke up with the guy because he didn’t beat her hard enough so she didn’t think he loved her.

Yes, she really said the above. Worse yet, the first video received over 5 million views. 

With all the information out there on teen dating violence, it’s shocking to hear this. I’m sure that you are just as angry and horrified as I am at this girl’s misinformed, outrageous comments. There are so many wrong ideas included in her statements that I don’t even know where to begin talking about them. Let me try. She believes:

1. He only hits her because he loves her. Someone who loves you would never deliberately inflict pain on you.
2. His time is more important than hers. In her opinion, her time or pain wasn’t important enough to consider. She’s accepted a step-down position in the relationship. In healthy relationships, each person has equal value.
3. He is entitled to make the rules for their relations. In healthy relationships, each partner is as concerned for the other’s happiness and well-being as they are for their own.
4. Her assigned job is to be who he wants her to be. In healthy relationships partners are free to be themselves and are encouraged to pursue their passion in life.
5. His opinions are more important than hers. In healthy relationships, each partner’s opinion is respected even if it differs from the other’s opinion.  
6. He has a right to hit her if she displeases him. In healthy relationships partners never inflict pain, humiliate, call each other derogatory names, or intentionally hurt the other in any way.
7. He is entitled to have everything the way he wants it. In healthy relationships, disagreements are negotiated. One person does not always have to kowtow to the other.
8. She should feel lucky and grateful that he chose her as his girlfriend when he could have had anyone he wanted. In a healthy relationship, each partner thinks they are the luckiest one and treats the other with care.

Dr. Phil, in his straightforward style, challenged her thinking, asking how she felt telling very young girls (who seem to be her biggest fans) something that could cause them serious harm? By this time I was on the edge of my sofa cheering Dr. Phil on. The girl steadfastly clung to her beliefs. She insisted that these guys love their girlfriends because by beating the girls, the guys risk going to jail. Dr. Phil outed her on the fact that she took a few thousand dollars from the guy to not prosecute him for battery. It was no surprise when she walked off the show. (You can see excerpts and a transcript from this show at drphil.com. Air date January 28, 2015.)

Was she just looking for fame? Most likely. However, the information she was willing to share is dangerous to our impressionable kids. 

To fight this sick thinking, we have to continue to get the word out to our teens, girls, and boys. Relationships are based on mutual trust, respect, and kindness. Someone who loves you wants you to pursue your passion and be all that you can be. They will be your greatest cheerleader as you are theirs. Jealousy, hitting and name-calling have no part in a healthy relationship.

Each person is responsible to create a life using his or her own gifts and talents. When they choose to be together, their lives overlap creating a space where they nurture and build a solid relationship based on shared values, honesty, trust, love, and respect. One partner’s life should never absorb and dissolve the other’s life. No one needs a partner to complete them. They are already whole.

It’s never too soon to start talking to your kids about dating violence and healthy relationships. Teach them the components of a healthy relationship so they have a measuring stick when they begin dating.

February is Teen Dating Awareness Month.

A Ceremony of Gratitude

Since the fall, 3 women who were pivotal in my life passed away. Two were in their mid-80s and my mother was 96. Vastly different women, but all gave me gifts that made me who I am today.

Alice passed away first. She was a mother of 5. Loved each child like a rock. Always had a pot of something good on the stove and made room for any extra folks that tagged along come dinner time. When I was in her presence, I felt loved as a part of her family. She was fun and playful, and always had a sparkle in her eyes. She and her husband were a team and very much in love. I wanted to have a big heart like hers. I wanted my children to know that I loved them like a rock. It was during a 4th of July party at her house that my former husband blew up at me and outed himself as an abuser. It was she who stood up to my spouse and protected me.

My mother passed away a few weeks after Alice did. She’d had a difficult early life and wasn’t a touchy-feely kind of mother. In spite of her pain, she focused on the good things in her life and was always quick to tell one of her funny life stories. I also learned from the sayings she was always quoting: You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Whatever you do— give it 100%. If someone doesn’t like you—kill them with kindness, you’ll either win them over or drive them crazy. She was the one who told me it is never okay for a man to hit a woman—never. (That became my touchstone to what I’d put up with when it came to abuse. Now I know that abuse is much more than hitting.) She taught me to be kind to others. When I needed her most, she was there.

Helen was my sister-in-law’s stepmom. When my former husband took me away from my family, we moved to the area where Helen and her husband lived. She was stylish, feminine, and strong. She managed a department of a store. Having been raised feeling I was mousy and unattractive and having a spouse who saw me as a millstone around his neck, my self-image was in the dumpster. But Helen made me feel intelligent, beautiful, and feminine. She saw things in me that no one else had ever recognized. Characteristics that I hoped I’d developed. She made me feel worthy.

Distance and timing of notification prevented me from attending the funerals of my dear friends. My mother, who had outlived her peers, had insisted that she didn’t want anything more than a graveside service. Thinking about these three women I needed more than a phone call or lowering of the casket into the ground. I needed a recognition ceremony, one that acknowledged their cherished place in my life. 

I gathered three candles together and set them on my prayer/meditation table. As I lit one for each of these unique women, I thanked God for them, for the lessons they’d taught me, and especially for their love and encouragement at my most difficult times. I looked at pictures, remembering their gestures, smiles, and laughs. Gratitude filled me. It was a holy moment.

It wasn’t much of a ceremony but it was enough to ease my heartache, acknowledge them and say goodbye. We often think ceremonies have to be overseen by a faith leader. They don’t. We can create our own.

Here on the cusp of a new year, I'm thinking of a ceremony that celebrates the joys from 2014 and releases the sorrows. Maybe you'd like to join me in spending a quiet moment reflecting on all the blessings received this past year. Then spend time unpacking the painful stuff so we don't carry it into 2015.

I count you all among my cherished blessings. Wishing you a joy-filled 2015.

In the Children's Best Interest

We all know that divorce doesn’t end the struggle with controlling spouses. (I hear your collective, “No, duh.”) The power struggle and control continue after divorce and the pawns most often used to needle one another are the children. In many cases, an ex is trying to control his former partner through the children. It’s the most tender area an abuser can attack a mom. Many victims stay with the abuser so that he doesn’t have the children alone, she’s there to protect them. While I understand this (did it myself,) I would not recommend staying with a violent partner.

Children are wounded when they live with abuse. I know that it feels like the court system’s understanding of family violence is moving ahead at the speed of a snail. Laws need to be honed or established in many states to protect kids. My hope is that we will come to a time when courts listen to qualified people who assess every situation and recommend what is in the best interest of the child when it comes to custody and visitation.  

Many moms have mentioned that they feel the continuous custody issues are a game their ex is playing with them. As a controlling person, he’s trying to rack up wins for himself and losses for her.  Power struggles like this are at the expense of the children’s well-being. I suggest moms change the way they view the situation to prevent them from getting sucked into his game. 

If you’re dealing with this problem, consider thinking differently. The next time you get a request/demand for adapting or adjusting your child's time or activities, instead of feeling it’s another opportunity for your ex to “score one” against you, ask yourself: Is this opportunity in the best interest of my son/daughter? Let your answer to this question be your bottom line. The controlling person can think what they want. You have no control over that. What’s different is that you know in your heart you are making the right decision for your child. (However, if the request is to take your child out of the country and your gut says that he may not return, trust your instincts and block the request.)

Be gracious where you can. If your ex has signed your child up to play a sport, musical instrument, or other activity that may infringe on some of your time with your child or be inconvenient for you, cooperate for your child’s sake. Take your child to practice. Go to the games or events and cheer the loudest. Varied activities are important for a well-rounded education. Anything that feeds your child’s spirit is a win for him or her.

Your ex may never reciprocate and agree to your requests for adjustments to visitation, but you will have done the right thing. Your child will notice. I’m not suggesting that you give on every issue. Work through the courts where needed, and ease up where you can. Kids should not have to deal with adult problems. Let them be kids. It takes a lot of pressure off them to know that you are handling and protecting their wellbeing. 

If you are making decisions and judgments on behalf of your children’s best interest, you will no longer see requests as a power struggle between you and your ex. Your focus is where it belongs, on your children. You are refusing to play your ex’s game. It will take the emotional charge out of it for you, and the winners are your kids.

There is another power struggle to avoid. During this season it's worth mentioning. Often the ex is in a financial position to give more “stuff” to the children. Remember, kids, don’t care about stuff. Granted, in their teen years having the same stuff their friends have does seem important to them. However, kids won’t remember who gave them what -- they will remember how you made them feel. Give your kids your time, attention, and love. That is the most valuable gift you have to offer. The only one that matters.

I wish you peace and joy this holiday season. May the coming year be filled with happy surprises.

A Chuckle And Wink Won't Explain Away Bad Behavior Anymore

Because Ray Rice punched out his then-girlfriend, now wife, Janey, I think that the NFL as well as others have learned that “boys will be boys” stated with a chuckle and wink won’t excuse abuse anymore. The brutal behavior in the elevator has brought domestic abuse to the forefront. That’s the only good thing about it. I’ve not written much about this incident. Been waiting to see how it played out. The incident has continued to fill the headlines. People debate the role the NFL should have in disciplining the player. The contract includes a code of conduct that is meant to keep a black eye off the NFL. If they are serious about that, they need to prevent black eyes and other injuries to the partners and children of the players. The best way to prevent abuse is to educate employees. Some may need batterer’s treatment, and others, awareness training. Sounds like the only educating they’ve done so far is to teach victims to stay silent.

The more survivors willing to come forward reduces the chance that domestic abuse will be swept under the carpet like gun control was after the death of so many children, innocent bystanders, and police officers. There are no deep-pocketed lobbyists protecting abusers. Or are there?

Think of the pressure put on Janey as a result of this incident- the NFL would like to downplay what happened so it can go away and they can get back to playing the game, not to mention smooth things over so that sponsors won’t pull out. The NFL has huge amounts of money to lose, and Ray, his career. So they look to Janey to make herself responsible for the whole mess. She’s in a no-win situation. If she files charges, he will hate her and possibly make her pay for destroying his career (in the abuser’s mind his bad behavior is his partner’s fault.) The league will make her the scapegoat, blackballing her and painting her as the one at fault.

Former wives of NFL players are coming forward to report how the league had drawn them into a cult-like existence where what happens in your home stays in your home. Women were expected to buck up and put up with violence or affairs to protect not only the player but the whole team and the integrity of the NFL. If they didn’t play nice, they were booted into poverty.

If nothing else, the Ray Rice incident has shown how this behavior has been cultivated but will no longer be accepted. Other sports clubs are reevaluating their codes of conduct. I’d call that a step forward. Now we need the legal system to prosecute perpetrators, no matter who they are. Big money has managed to trump that in the past. It’s time to put the blame where it belongs— the abuser ruined his own career, not the wife who came forward to save herself and her children. 

I’m glad to see victims of rape and abuse speak out with a new strength, no longer afraid that they won’t be taken seriously. Still, they are met with stupid comments and myths like:

• “These claimants are just jumping on the bandwagon, out for money.” Really? Most of these cases are past the statute of limitations. 
• “They are seeking to become a celebrity.” Seriously? Why would anyone declare themselves victims of abuse when there is such a stigma attached? Unfortunately, there are easier ways to become a celeb these days, but that’s another blog.
• “They just want to make trouble.” Once again, victim blaming. Those who perpetrated the violence made this happen. 
• “It’s a family matter. We don’t interfere.” If Ray had punched someone on the street, wouldn’t he have been arrested and charged? Why should battery laws only apply if the victim is not his partner or child? Why should celebrities be above the law?
• “She must like it, she stays. She could just leave.” Seriously, who would welcome being terrorized and punched in the face? Women stay for many reasons, mostly they feel trapped and terrorized. Leaving is the most dangerous time for victims and children. When they leave, they are 70% more likely to be murdered. See my post Why Women Stay or Return to Abusers from January 9, 2011, for a better understanding of this issue.
• “She said it was her fault. She antagonized him.” We covered this in the paragraph about the pressure put on Janey. Victims live in such fear that they will do anything to make peace. Including accepting the blame and marrying the perpetrator. After all, he’s been telling her all along that he wouldn’t hit her if she didn’t make him so angry. Anything short of taking responsibility for the incident could cost the victim her life. 
• “She hit him first.” The difference between a man’s and a women’s punch is usually about 100 pounds (in the case of a football player- 200 pounds.) As a large man, he could have easily restrained her to protect himself. Instead, he chose to punch her out. When Janey hit Ray he was not afraid for his life. When a man hits a woman, she’s afraid for her life. I’d call that a huge difference. Let me make it clear— no one needs to be hitting anyone. 

Ray Rice’s bad behavior has given us the opportunity to educate society and get rid of ridiculous and dangerous beliefs. We need to keep this conversation going. No matter how many times we must respond to these archaic myths, we have to keep repeating the truth until everyone gets it. No sweeping it under the rug. Violence is not okay.