6 Tips For Healing From Abuse

After leaving my violent partner, I stood in a therapist’s office and announced, “You have 2 weeks to heal me.” A twitch of a smile showed at the corners of her lips. With compassion in her eyes, she said, “Then we’d better get started.” She understood my drive to get over the pain, fear, and memories so I could begin to live again.

Of course, healing isn’t a 2-week fix, it takes time. There are many knots to untangle, much to unlearn, relearn and newly learn. It requires patience with oneself, determination, and, most often, the guidance of a therapist trained to work with victims of abuse. 

Here are a few important tips I learned on my road to recovery.

1) No Dating Until the Larger Part of Healing Has Occurred

I attended a rebuilding group. At the first meeting, the facilitator announced, “You are a bad date.” He urged us to agree to refrain from dating for one year. That felt like a long time to me. I was looking for a White Knight to ride in and make my life perfect. To heal we must become our own White Knights. Survivors need time to focus on themselves and learn that they can make it on their own.

We should not hurry into a new relationship because the highs and lows of the cycle of abuse (see above tab) have reinforced a deep connection called Trauma Bonding—a biological craving for an intensity that no normal relationship provides. It is hard for a survivor to relate to others because the lack of fervor feels like a lack of interest. Those who have not laid a healthy foundation often unwittingly seek that intensity and find themselves with another violent partner. The good news is, this biological craving fades with time, and a normal relationship will be satisfying. 

2) Develop Ways to Block the Urge to Return

Trauma Bonding triggers an urge to return to the violent partner. To avoid the bungee-bounce back into the relationship, accept the truth of who your partner is. 

Write in your journal:

• Detail your partner’s every violent and unkind behavior. When feeling vulnerable, let this list remind you why you left and should not return.
• Detail what you liked about your partner. Look over the list and ask yourself if he truly is that person or if this is his false persona (the one that he used to entice and hold you into the relationship)? Are the traits listed who you hoped he would become instead of who he is? 

Toss out these false beliefs:

• The devil I know is better than the devil I don’t know.
• No one else will want me.
• I can’t make it on my own.

You can have a new partner who is kind and loving. You can also build a wonderful life for yourself with no partner. 

Be aware of the mind games your controller plays. After you leave, your ex-partner may put on that fake Mr. or Ms. Wonderful mask to lure you back. Develop healthy ways to respond without being caught up in their drama. Some of these games are:

• Making promises they never keep—“I’m going into batterers’ treatment”, “I’ll quit drinking and doing drugs.”
• Professing that they cannot make it without you—“I need your help to heal.”
• Professing to be a new person—“I got religion.”
• Blaming others—“They don’t understand our love.” “It’s us against the world.”

Be prepared for these and many others. Step out of the drama as you watch it play out. Alert the police if your ex makes suicidal threats or threats against you. Contact the police if your ex stalks you. Keep a record of any unwanted contact (text messages, email, phone calls).

3) Replace Your Unhealthy Self-Talk with the Truth

Survivors often say, “I don’t know what healthy thinking sounds like anymore.” After years of abuse, we internalized the negative and twisted messages we received. We learned we could not trust our own opinions or feelings.

Writing But He’ll Change, helped me identify my own and other survivors’ false beliefs and replace them with truths. Statements such as "I am a stupid worthless nothing" are countered with, "I am intelligent. I have gifts and abilities in a variety of different areas. I am alive for a purpose. I am unique and needed by the world."

Write affirmations on cards and read them often to replace false beliefs with the truth.

4) Take Care of Yourself

If you have an addiction, seek specialized help. Addictions served to numb your ability to feel pain. These coping mechanisms will throw up a wall against healing. You have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. A therapist can guide you and stand with you during this process. Support groups are also a blessing.

Move yourself up on the People Who Deserve Happiness list. Treat yourself to a lavender-scented bubble bath. Use your good towels. Nourish your body with healthy foods. Eat off of your best china. Value yourself as you would your dearest friend. Get active. Join a gym or take a yoga class.

Rediscover your gifts and abilities. What makes your heart sing? What activities did you enjoy before this relationship? Get involved in them. Also, try new activities.

Set goals. Start with short-term goals to build your confidence. Set one long-term goal.

Make friends with your gut. It will guide you and help you make good decisions. Remember: Mistakes are not bad, they teach you and redirect you.

5) Surround Yourself With Supportive People

While it is important to talk about what happened, share only with those who have earned the right to hear your story. These are people who know how to listen, will believe you, and respect your privacy. Anyone who tells you to just get over it does not belong in this group.

6) Breathe and Focus on the Good Stuff

Over time, the remnants of this relationship will loosen and fall away leaving only important life lessons. We no longer label ourselves as victims or survivors, we become people who spent a small portion of their lives in a violent relationship. There is much more to us than this one period of time. We are a collection of life experiences—each equally important. 

Becoming who we are meant to be, takes a lifetime. It is up to us to decide who that is and what kind of a life we want. Then go out and make it happen.

Every Good Choice Equals Success

We usually define success as that place where we arrive after a lot of hard work. What I've learned is that we are already successful just by setting our sights on a worthy goal and taking the first step in that direction. When you think about it, it makes sense. Every choice we make moves us closer to or away from the life we want. 

Coming out of a violent relationship, we seek a happier, more fulfilling, and peaceful life. We may have a clear vision of what that would look like or we may have only a vague idea. Either way, it doesn’t matter, our vision can be developed and tweaked as we move along re-learning who we want to be and what we want to do with our lives?  

As we pull our lives together we are often engaged in an exhausting battle with our ex-partners over the children and possessions. If we keep our focus only on the struggles it’s draining and easy to give up. If we set a worthy goal for ourselves, one that aligns with our values, we will subconsciously be working toward that ideal. Does that make those daily battles any easier? No. We still have to put one foot in front of the other to deal with the difficult stuff. However, what it does give us is a solid foundation that holds us aloft, hope and expectation for a better future, that light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

What I am suggesting is that while we keep our eyes on our goals let’s also broaden our vision to include celebrating the changes we see in ourselves every day. Every good choice is a success. Every release of an old habit that held us back is a success. As we fill our lives with behaviors and beliefs that aligned with our values, the old detrimental behaviors and beliefs fade away, moving us closer to who and what we want to be. Our self-esteem grows giving us more strength to continue moving forward.

Here are some suggestions to help you get started:

Write a Mission Statement, an expression of your vision and values. Reflect on what is important to you. Keep it simple, just 3-4 sentences. Use positive statements such as; My home is a safe place filled with peace and kindness, I respect myself and others. Your mission statement can be adjusted as your life evolves. (See my post for 2013.10.01 for more about writing a mission statement.)

Create a Vision Board, to support your Mission Statement. On your computer or a bulletin board, collect and post things that bring you joy, words that you would like to describe yourself, your passions, affirmations that lift you up, and pictures of people you admire. Anything related to your hopes for your future. Put the board where you will see it every day. It will help you keep your focus on where you are going. 

By doing these two activities, you are already moving in the direction you want to go. The decisions you make from this point on are measured against whether they will move you closer to your plan for your future or away from it. 

If you are looking for a better job, make a list of the things that light up your soul, and your passions. Post them on your board. Let your choices move you in the direction of a job that will align with your passions. Take a night class, or computer course, or study on your own. Network, get out among people who enjoy the things you do, and let them know you are job hunting. Knock on doors. See every “no” as another step closer to  a “yes.”

If you are looking for a healthy relationship, list what you have to offer a partner then list the traits you want in a partner and post them on your vision board. As you meet potential partners, keep your eyes open and don’t minimize or explain away the red flags, i.e. rushing you into an intimate relationship, hurting your feelings then calling you “too sensitive.” You’ve pledged to respect yourself. If you feel rushed or disrespected, the relationship is over. Keep your kind heart in check and don’t get hooked into trying to fix someone else's life, this is the time to focus on your own. (You are not being selfish.)

Gather a support group around you. People who are positive and uplifting. People who will call you out in a loving way when you’ve strayed from your path. Those who will meet you where you are and listen more than talk. Ones who let you talk out your struggle until you’ve come up with the best solution.

Keep a journal. It’s a great way to measure your success and see how far you’ve come. List all your success. Your first is the fact that you made the decision to leave an unhealthy relationship. Then you actually left, no small feat and another huge success. Now you are learning to let go of the false beliefs and relearning what a remarkable and gifted person you are. Keep a record of all your thoughts and feelings. Review your journal to remind yourself how far you’ve come.

This journey is a learning experience. That means there are no mistakes, just redirections. Setbacks will come, use them to reevaluate and tweak your vision. When the “old” behaviors try to take over, congratulate yourself for recognizing them and celebrate the fact that you no longer let them control you. Trust your vision to direct your path as the life you are meant to have unfolds.

Take a moment right now to celebrate your successes. Let’s happy dance!