Embracing a Life of Calm and Wellbeing

The hard part of healing is that we have to change the old patterns that feel normal to patterns that don’t. To move forward, we have to live in a new way, embracing new beliefs and behaviors. This is not easy to do. We have internalized trauma memory (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD).

Athletes, musicians, and artists depend on muscle memory. Figure skaters practice for hours to perfect a jump. They come to the point where they quit making it happen and let their body do what it has been trained to do. When a female skater goes through puberty, her physical changes require her to re-teach her muscles and how to jump or spin. This means a lot more practice to replace the former muscle memories with new ones.

It’s a much bigger job to put internalized trauma to rest and replace it with feelings of well-being. Some of us never lived in a relationship that was nurturing and gave us a sense of safety, self-value, and self-respect. We repeatedly pick partners who abuse because the chaotic atmosphere feels “normal”. The change we must make isn’t a minor adjustment, we are replacing a way of life with a whole new set of beliefs and behaviors. 

While we lived with abuse, we became hyper-vigilant. Our bodies responded to our partners’ every tightened muscle, piercing look, and change in demeanor with the fight or flight response. Cortisol, the stress hormone, surges in our bodies. Over the years, the trauma has lodged in our esophagus, squeezed our hearts, and filled our heads with fear-sodden thoughts. So it’s not surprising that when we see or feel something that even slightly resembles one of those danger indicators, our bodies and minds automatically catapult us into our terror response. 

It will take time—a lot of time—and courage to change things. We need to be kind to ourselves when we fall back into those old behaviors or find the disparaging self-talk has taken over our brains again. I assure you, this will happen with less frequency as time goes on and we relax into a sense of calm and well-being.

We’ve spent a lot of years hiding our vulnerability, knowing that it would be exploited if uncovered. To have a truly intimate relationship, we have to be willing to face this fear and share our feelings. This requires speaking openly and asking our partners for clarification of their actions or comments that felt hurtful to us. When we share how it impacted us, we help our partners understand what we are dealing with and that we are doing our best to not react in the old ways. They need to know that our healing requires their help and patience.  

Our partners’ reactions can be a real litmus test of their character. Do they respect that we are taking the lead in our own recovery and their job is to run alongside us, cheer us on and follow our lead? Do they use our vulnerability against us? Do they try to take control and “fix” us? We understand that this process can be frustrating for them. But, if their reaction is, “Just get over it,” we have all the data we need to know about our partners’ intentions.

Most important, we have to trust ourselves. Be strong enough to walk away if we realize that this partner isn’t empathetic, doesn’t see us as an equal, and isn’t willing to work with us to build a solid relationship that meets both of our needs. We were brave enough to leave our violent partners, now we need to be brave enough to speak up and create the life we’ve always wanted.

Watch Out! Turbulence Ahead

My intention for this year is to center my life in peace. It’s a daunting goal as this is an election year. I expect that the amount of hate-spewing and divisive rhetoric will escalate as 2016 goes on. I refuse to internalize it or return it. 

Along with my standard resolutions to continue to strive to eat healthier, spend time in quiet meditation and prayer, and walk and exercise more, I am adding ways to take care of myself during the expected turbulence.  My action plan is below. I’d like to hear how you plan to stay sane during this election year.

My plan of action:

• Limit the amount of news I watch—once a day is sufficient 
• Listen to uplifting music
• Record my favorite TV shows and watch them later so I can fast forward through the political ads. (I recognize that any ad created by a super PAC will mostly lie or stretch to pants-on-fire lies designed to fill me with fear—a controlling mechanism. The politicians’ ads won’t be much better.)
• Watch the debates (this requires a glass of wine) paying attention to those who talk about how they plan to fulfill their promises 
• Check out the candidates’ website for details on how they (or we) will pay for those changes
• Check out all political claims or statements using Politifact—a non-partisan fact checker
• Monitor my Facebook page to assure there will be no contentious political commentary. (My page is for survivors who have had enough fear, unkindness, and chaos in their lives.)
• I will not post any hate-spewing posts
• I will not post any snarky jokes about either party or any politician
• I will temporarily hide anything I receive from a Facebook friend who does
• Cast my vote in the primary elections and in the general elections in November

It won’t be easy to get through this year without becoming outraged and frustrated with our election process and parties. Please don’t let that stop you from voting. Your voice must be heard.

As we sail into this new year, knowing that there is a hurricane ahead, let’s show each other love, respect, and kindness. Let’s listen as well as talk. Let’s not allow people with their own agendas to divide us and pit us against each other. 

A quote from Jesus that Abraham Lincoln used during his turbulent times has been in my thoughts for the last several years—“A house divided against itself cannot stand.” From talking with others, I know that we agree on much more of the things we want for this country than issues we disagree on. This year I will continue to hold on to that fact.

Oh, and yes, I will also remind myself to breathe.

Catching a Hail Mary Pass

Last night I watched the end of the football game between Green Bay and Detroit. In the last few minutes of the game, things looked hopeless for the Packers. Fans were leaving the stadium, and the players considered it over for them. At that moment, a penalty on Detroit opened a window to a slim chance—one more play. Aaron Rodgers threw a Hail Mary Pass 61 yards into the end zone. Richard Rodgers reached up and caught it for the win. It was the pass of a lifetime—a catch of a lifetime. A defining moment that will forever be attached to the two Rodgers’ lives.

I thought about how Richard Rodgers felt when that ball touched his fingertips and he tucked it into his gut. I thought about how we have those defining moments where we throw ourselves into the unknown despite hopelessness and fear and land on our feet. It’s when we flip the switch and realize, “I will survive without you. You are not good for my spiritual or physical health. I am finished with you,” and know in our gut that this time we mean it. It’s the joy of walking into our own apartment—a safe place to come home to. It’s when we awaken in the morning, and for the first time in a long time, we are excited about a new day. It’s receiving that call that the job or promotion is ours and the satisfaction we feel when we look into the mirror and see the person we are meant to be, looking back at us. Filled with joy, gratefulness, and amazement, we acknowledge how far we have come.

Another important point is that Richard couldn’t have caught the ball if Aaron hadn’t risked the throw. Those great moments of success can’t happen if we don’t take the risk. We have to— reach out for help, leave an unhealthy relationship, get into therapy—do all the recovery work to pull our lives together. We trudge forward ignoring the inner and outer critical voices telling us we are not capable of surviving on our own. We risk disappointments and still keep putting one foot in front of the other until we feel that ball falls into our hands and we know we have conquered our fear, we have saved ourselves. These are our defining moments. 

Fear, Sympathy and Anger--A Dysfunctional, Perfect Storm

When intertwined, fear, sympathy, and anger create one chaotic, dysfunctional, perfect storm of an abusive relationship. Its gathering winds start long before the couple meets.

Humans in an attempt to understand their world are apt to create stories to explain situations. Children of critical parents who never say the words “I love you,” tell themselves that they are inept and unloveable. They often become people-pleasers searching for someone who will love them. This is the story I carried into my marriage. I was exactly who a controlling partner wanted.

On the other hand, those who felt betrayed and cheated as children often tell themselves that the people they need will hurt or leave them. They feel entitled to take what they want as payback. The story they tell themselves is that in order to be safe, they must be in control. Sadly, that is usually at the expense of their partner’s safety. 

If you follow the threads of controlling behaviors to the end, you will find the underlying cause is fear. Jealously is the fear of losing a partner to someone else. Hiding all financial information from their partner is fear that their partner will have the resources to leave. Terrorizing, instilling fear of bodily harm, is driven by the fear that a partner may leave.

It didn’t take long for me to see through my partner’s bravado facade to the fear-infested person inside. The sympathy I felt for him held me in the relationship. I spent years trying to save him, assuring him that he was safe with me. All the while, I wasn’t safe with him. My desperation to earn his love was fear-based. I didn’t want to be a failure. The story I told myself was—if I could just hang in the marriage long enough, sacrificing myself, things would change. It took a long time for me to accept that his entitlement and fear-based internal stories created a lack of empathy and didn’t allow for the revelation or awakening that I had hoped to see in him. 

Therapy helped me rewrite my internal stories into healthy ones. My partner’s behavior wasn’t about me. The occurrences from my childhood that started the unhealthy story of who I was, weren’t about me. This knowledge is a blessing, but it can also be dangerous. 

When we understand the underlying fears that caused the bad behavior in our spouse, our sympathy for them can keep us entwined. Hope that things can change may hold or draw us back into the relationship. It’s important for us to disconnect from our emotions and use reason to evaluate the relationship.

In those highly charged moments, I recited the following truths:

• Though I feel sympathy for him, I will not minimize or excuse his bad behavior. It was wrong and should not be repeated. Nothing will change that fact. 
• Abuse is a choice. My partner chooses to abuse me.
• He is the only one who can change his behavior. If he wanted to save this relationship, he would have gone into treatment and followed the program. He did not, so he does not value our relationship. He will not change.

After leaving the relationship we experience a lot of anger and grieving. We mourn the loss of the dreams we had for our lives, and the men we thought our partners were. We are also angry. Our partners’ selfishness made a mess of our children’s and our lives. We feel enraged that we are left to suffer the consequences and clean it up.

Anger is good. It keeps us out of the relationship and gives us valuable energy to fight for a new and better life. As we move along the upward path, we can spend our time hating those who wronged us, but wouldn’t that mean they are still the center of our lives? Our focus is still on them—just where they want it to be. 

I suggest we turn our focus on ourselves and our children. We can stop trying to force our partners to be who they should be. We can stop trying to make up for their bad behavior toward our children and others. Suppose we step out of the drama and accept that the controllers will spin their wheels, rant, rave and tell lies. Suppose we let their words pass through us without sticking to our insides—because we have new stories of who we are. His old lies mean nothing. We can be age-appropriately honest with our children about our inability to change their fathers. We can use this as a teachable moment where our children learn about choices and consequences. We can admit the truth of the situation to them without showing anger or hatred toward their fathers. 

Escaping and staying out of abusive relationships means rewriting our internal stories, accepting the truth of our situations, and balancing our emotions with logic. Let us focus on loving ourselves enough to walk away and build a better life. 

A Healing Space

After struggling to free ourselves from the chaos of domestic abuse—battered in so many ways and worn threadbare—we limp away exhausted and convinced that we never, ever want another relationship. There is no way we will go through all the pain again. 

Consider this feeling a gift. I hear your collective, “What?” Stay with me. When you are determined to never again find yourself with an abuser, a space for healing opens. Our aversion to relationships blocks us from returning to the former nightmare and keeps us from rushing blindly into a new one. 

While we want to speed further down our life road, leaving the hurt behind, healing has its own timeline that is unique to each of us. The only way to recover is to walk through the pain, feel it, cry it out, and let it shake us like a dog with a rag-doll until eventually, it subsides. The tears will stop. Our hearts will mend. A space has opened, and An opportunity arises. If we do the work, we are no longer condemned to stay caught up in the pattern of violence. 

Afraid to be alone and feeling desperate, weak, and helpless (something that has been hammered into a victim by her former partner) a victim may search for someone to come into her life and do a quick fix. (*) With a snap of his fingers, the perfect family life will appear. The problem is, most often the one eager to take control of the situation is another abuser. He’s searching for someone who is vulnerable. He shows himself as a savior, wanting to help, loving her kids, and promising the moon and stars. Yet, it’s all a facade. When a victim looks for a quick fix, she often finds herself trapped in another violent relationship.

Sometimes a victim who is afraid she may give her heart away to another abuser closes herself off from any possibility of moving forward. She may fear that if she lets go of what happened to her, she will be hurt again. So traumatized, she tells her story over and over to anyone who will listen. Years of her life can pass as she constantly relives every painful past moment. She’s stuck in her fear.

Both of these reactions are exhausting. It doesn’t have to be that way. There is freedom from the past. Many victims do go on to rebuild their lives and have healthy and happy relationships, some with intimate partners and some without.

The key is to take the time needed to do the work required to recover. I always recommend seeing a therapist trained to provide victims of domestic abuse with the needed tools to move them along the path to recovery. Talking to friends is helpful, but the right therapist can help a survivor feel some relief within a few visits. If the survivor doesn’t feel any relief after three or so visits, she should find a new therapist. (There are therapists who charge on a sliding scale through social agencies.) As an addition or an alternative, a support group through the local shelter or social agency is another economical opportunity for survivors.

Most importantly, do the work. There is no way around it, no magic fix. You have to roll up your sleeves and get down in the muck. Read self-help books, write in a journal, get involved in activities you used to enjoy, and find new ones. Practice trusting your gut. Get reacquainted with the strong marvelous person you are. Catch the negative voice in your head and counter it with positive affirmations. (I wrote affirmations on the back of business cards and carried them in my pocket as a reminder that things were going in the right direction. I also memorized uplifting hymns, and replayed them in my head when I felt overwhelmed and afraid.) Develop a mission statement stating who you want to be. Read it every day and make all your decisions based on achieving that mission.

It isn't an easy journey, but in the end, it’s worth it. You are worth it. If you persist and do the work, you only have to do this once to move on to a better and more joyful life. When you become whole, you will love and respect yourself and know that you can take care of yourself, you no longer need anyone. Then you are ready to choose to be with a partner who is whole, healthy, and respects you. (Again time is your ally to determine who is right for you.) Wholeness is a much better place from which to make a life decision than desperation, where you feel you need to have someone and settle for anyone.

Join me on Facebook to connect with some magnificent survivors and brave women who are doing or have done the work.

( * In this post I use “he” when referring to an abuser and “she” for a victim, since that was my experience. Recognizing that the components of abuse are alike for either gender, I invite anyone reading this post to substitute the proper pronouns.)

The Truth about Power and Control

Most of us who are recovering from a controlling relationship struggle with this truth: An abuser's driving force and only desire is for absolute power and control over their victims. So focused on that end, controllers do not see their victims as people who have a right to their own feelings and opinions. Abusers see and experience everything within the context of having to deliberately and systematically battle for control. They are willing to inflict any level of pain to achieve their goal.

While in the relationship, it was hard to accept that someone I loved, intentionally did such unkind acts. Especially acts that I didn’t deserve. Because I loved this man, I explained away his violent behavior.  I could not understand why he would resort to unnecessary, violent tactics when I was constantly proving my love for him. Why couldn’t he have said, “I don’t care for pork,” instead of throwing dishes and screaming at me? Why wouldn’t he want to return my love and devotion and live in peace? Why total domination? Why humiliation? Why did he reinterpret even the smallest gesture of love, like bringing him a cup of coffee every morning, as something he demand I do, instead of accepting it as an expression of love? It used to make me want to run screaming, “Can’t you see who I am? These tactics aren’t necessary for me to love you or give you attention.”

Abusers don’t see us as we are because we never enter the equation. It is not about us. 

This brings me to an important tool that helped me understand this dynamic— The Power and Control Wheel.

In the 1980s in Duluth Minnesota, a group of battered women who were attending educational groups through a local shelter developed the Power and Control Wheel. They listed tactics that batterers use to control victims. They fell under 8 categories: Using Isolation, Minimizing Denying and Blaming, Using Children, Using Male Privilege, Using Economic Abuse, Using Coercion and Threats, Using Intimidation, and Using Emotional Abuse. They also developed a Wheel of Equality depicting the qualities of healthy relationships: Trust and Support, Honesty and Accountability, Responsible Parenting, Shared Responsibility, Economic Partnership, Negotiation and Fairness, Non-Threatening Behavior, and Respect. 

Duluth's Domestic Abuse Intervention Project uses these wheels in its “Creating a Process of Change for Men Who Batter” curriculum. They are now used widely to help batterers in treatment, victims and others understand that the blame for abuse rests squarely on the shoulders of the abuser. 

The behavior of controllers is so illogical and cruel that victims (and the rest of normal society) find it difficult to believe that this behavior is focused and deliberate. For those of us who have been there, our healing began when we accepted this truth. The abuse had nothing to do with us. It was all about the abuser's sick desire to feel powerful and in control. Unfortunately, it bruised the very core of who we are. We can change that.

The Power and Control Wheel

Using Isolation

Usually, the first indication (red flag) that the relationship is headed in the wrong direction is when the perpetrator begins to isolate the victim. It’s an easy miss because it starts when the relationship is in the limerence stage, the couple is just beginning to get to know one another. Often, they are spending all their free time together, so excited to have one another. After a while, the victim may begin to express the desire to spend some time with other friends or family. The perpetrator, who believes she is pulling away from him, acts hurt, “Don’t you want to be with me?” “Aren’t I important to you anymore?” While this looks like love, it’s actually the beginning of coercive control. He begins to use her love for him to bend her will to his. It often becomes a game of-who do you love more?-prove you love me by giving up time with your friends or family-prove you love me more than your job, pursuing a passion, or activity. He points out her friend's and family members “faults.” If she’s friends with past boyfriends or other guys, he’s hurt, jealous and angry. If she so much as talks to another male it sends him into a tirade. Nothing short of giving up all others will satisfy the controlling partner.

Minimizing Denying and Blaming

At the beginning of the indoctrination into the abuser’s world, a victim may still be strong enough to call the controller on his behavior. Immediately, he will minimize, deny and cast the blame on the victim. Telling her she was too sensitive, his behavior wasn’t that bad then shifting the responsibility to her, “If you hadn’t been flirting with that guy at the party, nothing would have happened.” Giving another guy any kind of attention is considered flirting by a controlling partner.

Using Children

Often controllers use the children by including them in the abuse, “Isn’t Mommy stupid for dropping that cup?” “See how fat your mama is?” Abusers threaten to take the children away if the victim doesn’t comply with all demands or if she tries to leave him. If she’s a stay-at-home Mom, it’s an easy threat, “You could never support the kids, the court will give them to me.” “I have friends who will testify that you are an unfit mother.” These types of statements terrorize the victim into compliance.

Using Male Privilege

The good old boys club is alive and flourishing when it comes to abuse. Cultural rules support men’s dominance over women. Religious tenets are twisted in faith communities. Media is constantly bombarding young men and women with images of violence and power. Glorifying bad boys while claiming nice guys are wimps. Teaching our young women that they are not perfect as they are but in need of cosmetics, surgery, and extreme dieting to be acceptable. All this allows males to see themselves as superior and worthy of unearned respect. They are the kings of their castles and the one who makes and enforces the rules, at a cost to the victim.

Using Economic Abuse

Coinciding with the male privilege myth, a perpetrator often uses economic abuse to hold his victim in the relationship, spouting the myth that men are smarter than women and should handle all finances. Information is power so a controller withholds all financial information from his partners.  The victims have no idea what the total family income is or where it is held. If she is allowed to work, she must turn her paycheck over to her partner, forcing her to ask for money. He holds tight reins on how much money she receives and how she spends it. She has no discretionary funds to do with as she pleases or to stash away so she can leave him.

Using Coercion and threats

A violent partner often carries out threats and harms the victim, the children, or pets to make the point that he will do heinous things, coercing the victim to submit. Subsequent threats to take the children away, report her to child welfare, kill themselves, the victim or children become very real possibilities to the victim. A controller who is involved in criminal activities often forces the victim to participate to assures that the victim will remain loyal. A drug dealing partner may withhold drugs from the victim to force compliance.

Using Intimidation

The very fact that most often the male is larger, stronger, and more physical than a female causes her to feel intimidated. Menacing looks, pounding holes in the walls, brandishing a weapon, smashing her property, and abusing pets and children terrorizes the whole family into obedience.

Using Emotional Abuse

Destroying a victim’s ego is key to holding the victim in the relationship. If she has low self-esteem, she is less likely to leave and more likely to obey. Name-calling and constant criticism are internalized by the victim, causing her to withdraw from others. Crazy-making tactics force her to mistrust her instincts. Making her feel stupid and foolish keeps her from talking to others. Humiliating or embarrassing her in public, cause her to avoid being in public. These tactics play into the isolation that eliminates any support base she may have had, giving the abuser full control.

All these tactics create chaos and fear in a victim’s life. The abuser uses physical and sexual violence to terrorize the victim into compliance, establishing the abuser as the one holding total power and control.

Once we step out of the emotional turmoil and accept his behavior for what it is—his own choosing—we can begin to put things into perspective and shed the guilt knowing that he and he alone is responsible for his behavior. We are in no way at fault. Every decision he made was his choice. Anyone who can choose to be cruel can choose to be kind.

Most important, we see that we are not stupid, inept, or whatever they called us. We can begin to reclaim our true selves.

The Power and Control wheel under the tab above is focused on Men battering women. Next month we’ll look at the Wheel of Equality. If you’d like to download a copy of these wheels for free, please see www.theduluthmodel.org. Wheels for other relationship styles (i.e. teens, same-sex relationships, and elder abuse) can be found on the internet. 

Intimate Partner Violence: One Woman's Story

Dear friends of Moving Up On the People Who Deserve Happiness List,

This month I am a guest blogger on Rachel Grant’s blog.  See my 4 part series Intimate Partner Violence: One Woman's Story at-- http://rachelgrantcoaching.blogspot.com/2015/06/one-womans-story-inside-world-of_8.html

Joanna