Listening to Our Hearts

Last year, I mentioned to a friend that I was interested in going on a spiritual retreat. I knew she had attended a few women’s circles in warmer climates. I was looking for a place with no distractions from my everyday life. A place to become quiet and gain direction from my inner self.

A few days later, my friend came back to me saying, “What do you think about Bali?”

Bali? I had read Eat, Pray, Love but never considered going to Bali. That was Elizabeth Gilbert’s call, not mine, and besides, it is halfway around the world.

Babs (my inner critic) picked up on my fear and began listing how crazy that would be and all the reasons I shouldn’t go: It’s about 24 hours on an airplane, it’s a hot, humid jungle, What happens if you got sick and couldn’t get home? Suppose the connecting flights didn’t connect, and you became stranded in a foreign country? The volcano on Bali has been spewing ash; it might erupt at any moment. You could be stuck or die there. On and on Babs droned.

But my heart whispered, “Bali, Bali, Bali.”

So, I bought the support stockings for the long ride, received the hepatitis A vaccine, took the series of live Tetanus pills, bought bug spray, anti-diarrhea meds, insurance that would cover bringing me home in an emergency, and a ticket to Bali.

This was so far out of my box that I couldn’t even see the box from where I stood. There was nothing else to do but pull up my big girl panties and pack.

Babs continued her assault on my decision. Daily, I talked myself down from the upper branches of my terror tree. When I couldn’t do it, my husband talked me down. We traveled with no problems. This was not that new. I wasn’t going alone. It will be a great experience.

I remembered someone had posed the question: What is the thing you most want that lies at the bottom of your heart?

That is an important question.

I wasn’t yearning to see Bali, just searching for a way to recover my place of peace. To consider if I was doing what God intended me to do with my life. Writing But He’ll Change was one of my charges. The words were whispered to me at all times of day and night. All I had to do was jot them down and arrange them in a book. Composing the 82 blog posts was also part of my mission. Lately, I’ve asked myself, “What more do I have to say?” Many women and men are speaking up since the #MeToo movement. Is it time to pass the baton?

While in Bali, I asked myself if I was ready to pack away all the memories from my experience and all the knowledge I’ve gained through my healing process? The work I’ve done has given me a sense of pride, made me feel I was contributing something important and connected me with many amazing people. I loved doing presentations, answering the questions, and seeing faces change when they “got” it. Is it time to do something else?

The question was: How do I want to live the rest of my life? The big 7-0 is breathing down my neck. What is at the bottom of my heart now? What am I meant to do during this period in my life?

The point I hope you take away from this post is that you, too, have a dream, hope, or wish that lies at the bottom of your heart. Pay attention to it. You may not be able to identify it, but stepping out of your comfort zones may move you in the direction to discover something about yourselves that you don’t yet know, you’re afraid to see, or a new direction for your lives.

I don’t think you need to go halfway around the world to find it (though, Bali was amazing, with perfect weather, beautiful country, and lovely people). It’s not an outer thing. It’s found in the quiet. Prayer, meditation, or silence can give us the answers we seek. We can choose to learn how to sit in the stillness or tell ourselves that we don’t have time, and continue rushing through our hectic lives. The choice is ours.

This is a moment for me to step out in faith, trusting that the next thing for me will come when it is time. I’ve always believed that life teaches us what we need to know to prepare us for a coming task. We just have to pay attention, and take the first step.