I would like to know why negative beliefs about ourselves replay in our minds and the good, positive thoughts about who we are don’t. Why not, “I am intelligent and capable” instead of “I am so stupid—I always blow it”?
The two words—I Am—are powerful. They are “creating” words, a declaration. What follows those words can build us up or beat us down. It’s our choice.
I loved the book and movie “The Help.” There were a lot of lessons to learn from that story. One that spoke loudly to me came from Aibileen, a maid who cares for Mae Mobley a 4-year-old who is ignored by her uncaring mother. Aibileen repeatedly told the child, “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” She has the child repeat those words often, hoping that May Mobley will internalize that truth over the negative messages she was receiving from her mother. In the story, when Aibileen is walking away after being fired, May Mobley runs after her screaming. Aibileen kneels, takes the child into her arms, and has her repeat those words. I wanted to stand up a shout, “Bravo!”
We become what we believe. If the story we tell ourselves is—
I am:
- stupid,
- weak,
- hopeless,
- uneducated or unskilled,
- unloveable,
- worthless,
- unable to make good decisions or
- unable to make it on my own,
it becomes our reality. If we believe we can’t do anything right, failure will manifest in our life. When this is our practice, even the least important human error becomes blown out of proportion feeding the belief that we are losers.
Can we be kind to ourselves? Can we love ourselves as we love others? We would never talk to a friend the way we talk to ourselves. Yet, we have accepted negative messages about us from others as our truth.
The seeds for our stories may have been planted by our parents, partners, teachers, the media, and other influential people in our lives. They become ingrained in our psyche and hold us prisoners in our current situations. Any thought of changing things kicks us into what my therapist called “awfulizing.” He described it as spinning a story to the worst possible outcome and making it our expected result. Terrorized by that, we become frozen in place.
The challenge is to catch ourselves awfulizing. Ask what beliefs are feeding these thoughts? Where did they come from? When we determine the source, it is time to ask, “Is it true?” We can write down our ideas or talk with a supportive person. After we answer the question, we again ask, “Is it true?” We keep asking the question until we’ve exhausted all our feelings about the belief or come to an aha moment of clarity. It will take some work to sort through all the negativity. The outcome is worth the time spent.
If we can catch ourselves, we can interrupt the false belief and replace it with a declaration of truth—we are intelligent and capable human beings. Not perfect, not gifted in every area (we don’t need to be), but able to traverse the path that leads us to more fulfilling and happy lives.
Connecting with support groups can help rebuild confidence and keep us moving in the direction we want to go. They will lovingly call us out when we are drifting backward and remind us of our gifts and abilities.
It’s been shown that if you stand like Super Woman or Super Man, feet apart, hands on hips, shoulders broad, head held high for a few minutes before an important meeting, interview or challenge, you will go into that activity with confidence. I suggest, while standing there, you declare…
- I am strong,
- I am capable,
- I deserve a great life, and
- I am going to kick butt at this meeting/job interview/presentation/court date.
(I wouldn’t do it in a busy hallway, unless others are doing the super-person stance, too. Wouldn’t that be a sight to see?)
Let’s make it a goal this year to speak our way into a better life by challenging our old beliefs and speak only I Am statements that build us up.
