When Sheltering at Home is Not Safe

During this pandemic, we are being called to shelter in place. For women and men living with violent partners, the home is neither shelter nor safe. It’s the opposite. Right now, home is the most dangerous place for a victim to be.

The stress of being laid off from a job, or fired can increase the abuser's frustration and anger. These strong feelings are often spewed out as physical or emotional violence toward their partner. Alcohol or drug consumption may increase during this time, allowing the perpetrator to justify the behavior, and leave the victim in serious danger.

Victims recognize the inky, foreboding cloud, swirling in the room. As tension builds, the breath-stealing stress becomes suffocating. Victims know the explosion will come, just not when. There is no way they can interrupt or stop the momentum.

If you are in this circumstance, know that your partner’s bad behavior is not about you or because of you. Understand that you are doing the best you can do in an unbearable situation. Only you know what you need to do to survive from one day to the next. Be kind to yourself. It’s easy to accept blame for the violence. Let me assure you that the brutality in your home is not your fault. Your partner is choosing to abuse you because they can. There is nothing you can do that gives anyone the right to physically or emotionally abuse you. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

Having to isolate yourself now plays right into your abuser’s hands. Isolation is the most important tool batterers use to maintain control over their victims. Shelters are available to help you through this period. If you are ready to leave, advocates from the shelters can help you make a plan and leave safely. If you are not ready to leave, advocates can offer you support and help you evaluate your options. Peer support groups are also available in many shelters. It may be difficult for you to contact a shelter right now since there is little privacy at home. However, when you go to the grocery store, medical clinic, or pharmacy, ask to use their phone and call your nearest shelter. As you prepare to leave, find a safe place to store copies of important documents, cash, and any other items you plan to take with you (somewhere in your house, or at a friend’s house) so you will be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.

In the meantime, if you are not ready to leave, there are things you can do.

Be compassionate with yourself. Treat yourself as you would your best friend. When you hear that internal voice starts to berate you, stop it in its tracks. Remind yourself of all the good things you really are: kind, hardworking, loving, creative, etc. No self-flagellation allowed. Instead, celebrate the goodness in you.

Take a moment, find a quiet spot to sit, and follow your breath. Repeat, “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be safe, may I be at peace” several times. A backyard is a good location to rest, watch the clouds, admire the flowers, dig in the dirt, and pray. Take a walk, a run, a bubble bath, something that feeds your soul. Embrace the fearful parts of yourself with love and kindness. Believe that you deserve a moment to rest.

Stay in touch with at least one friend. Set a regular time to check in with them. Choose a signal (a word texted to them, a light left on, or a plant in the window) that tells them they need to call 911.

If you have children, set up a safety plan. What neighbor they can go to when things erupt at home, a hiding place within the house if necessary, and a code word telling them to call 911. Let them know that they are not responsible for what is happening.

It looks as though we will be sheltering for a longer period than we formerly thought. You are in my heart and prayers. This is a difficult and challenging time. Please stay connected to others, and when you are ready, reach out for help.

Raise Your Hand

“There is more to admire in one another than there is to dislike.” 

Tony Dokoapil on CBS This Morning

In today’s world, we are told to slap a single, flat label on “others,” making them the enemy and rejecting who they are. But we are multi-faceted people. 

Raise Your Hand If….

• You are tired of distancing yourself and staying at home
• You have eaten your way through the refrigerator and are halfway through the pantry
• You or a family member have or had the COVID-19 virus
• You are a caretaker: nurse, doctor, first responder, therapist, parent, child.
• You served our country in the military
• You have children and want them to have a better life than you had
• You have parents, and want them to live the retirement lifestyle they have always desired: travel, that house by the lake
• You or a family member has a health issue: depression, PTSD or another mental issue, a life-threatening illness, an annoying but manageable illness
• You are creative: an artist, writer, musician, architect, landscaper, inventor
• You are brave most of the time, sometimes, or wish you were braver
• You have a dream for your future, waiting at the bottom of your heart
• You are lonely, afraid, feeling empty
• You are living with violence from a spouse, parent, child, or another person in power
• You love hugs, kisses, making love
• You are in the middle of fulfilling your life dream
• You want to be seen, heard, respected, understood
• You have a vision for this country
• You are following a faith tradition or your own pathway

I could go on, but you get the idea. We raised our hands to many of the same statements. If we could stand in a group (not now, due to COVID-19), we would recognize that we have many of the same hopes, visions, and struggles as others. We could come to understand life experiences outside of our own, and how, using our unique abilities and common experiences, we could work together, to build a better world.

When we see each other only as a single label, we miss the beauty inside all of us. We are multi-faceted jewels. We share bright, colorful, and shining facets, as well as remnants of wounds. We can look beyond labels and acknowledge, respect, and explore our own and each other’s humanity.

I'll raise my hand for that.