Real-life Forgiveness

I don’t know who first came up with linking forgive and forget together, but whoever it was, was wrong. We don’t forget. It’s impossible to forget. We have brains that store millions of bits of information every day.  Trauma makes a deep, lasting impression in our memories and physical bodies. We know that people who were traumatized as small children, can recall the minute details of that trauma later in life. We are only just beginning to recognize and address the effects of trauma on our soldiers. No. We don’t forget. If we could forget, it would mean we would lose an important lesson meant to protect us in future encounters. We remember for an reason. 

So, let’s throw out the guilt about not “forgetting” what was done to us and look at real-life forgiveness. 

In his book, Forgiveness is a Choice, Robert Enright, PhD, says forgiveness happens when you let go of the desire to take revenge and no longer wish evil on the one who harmed you. That frees you from carrying the anger and resentment that colors your life. You don’t even have to tell the one who harmed you that you forgive them. (Let’s face it, in many cases they wouldn’t care or it’s better if you stay away from that person and not give any indication that they can worm their way back into your life.)

I heard Dr. Enright speak on the subject a year or so after my divorce, when I was wallowing in guilt over not forgiving my ex. Enright said something that struck me-  forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. I could forgive and not put myself back into the situation! I always thought that if you forgave, you had to return to the relationship and pretend the offense never happened (that forget piece.) Returning meant I opened myself up to the possibility that it could happen again (those of us who experienced abuse know it does.) Having lived the cycle of abuse, it was good to hear that forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation.  Also, he went on to say that it doesn’t condone, excuse, or minimize bad behavior. It does, however, state that what the offender did was wrong and that it should not be repeated. (Wow! I wanted to stand up and cheer.) Furthermore, we can forgive and still seek justice through the legal system, requiring an offender to face the consequences of his (or her) actions. (Yea, Dr. Enright!)

Forgiveness is a gift of grace, meaning that the offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, but never-the-less, it’s offered. 

In his book, Enright makes it clear that the process of forgiving can take some time. The depth of the hurt and the length of the time over which we were injured determines how long it will be. Those offended get to decide when the time is right and need not feel guilty. Saying we forgive before we are ready would be a lie. We would end up harboring resentment. That’s not true forgiveness.

By processing at our own speed, we are not holding the infraction over the offender’s head or throwing it up at him (or her.) Many of us heard from our partners, “You have to forgive me.” Offenders try to make us feel guilty because we are hurt and angry at their behavior and not ready to forgive.  They may try to pound us over the head with Bible verses about forgiving, insisting that we forgive instantly or we aren’t Christians. They shout, “It’s over. I said I was sorry. Get over it.” This is how those who have wronged us try to turn the tables to make us feel guilty and them the victims.  Someone who’s truly sorry will give you the space and time to work through the pain. He or she will also take steps to atone for the bad behavior.

In Women Who Run With the Wolves, Carissa Pinkola Estes talks about forgiveness not coming in one sitting, but in percentages. Usually, we think forgiveness is a 100 percent or nothing deal. Pinkola Estes says it has layers. You may only be 55 percent forgiving and working on the remainder. If you are at 10 percent, you may not be ready to forgive, but open to considering it. The point is, if you are willing to move toward forgiveness you are taking steps in the right direction. Cut yourself some slack. Trust that the process will move at it own pace. 

“You are not bad if you do not forgive easily. You are not a saint if you do. Each to her own, and all in due time.” Pinkola Estes

“Forgiveness is free; trust must be earned.” Robert D. Enright, PhD

You can download my interview with Dr. Enright by going to www.hazelden.org/bookstore. Search for my book But He’ll Change and click on a copy. Scroll down the page to the .pdf link for Interviews with experts. This is a free download.

Filling Your Space

I’m reading Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk. She asks how your life might be different if you’d had a circle of wise women to help you see and learn who you are. Women who would nurture and encourage you throughout your life, showing you what being a woman is about. 

What a gift that would be.

This is what I think the wise women would tell us -- whether we believe in God or evolution, we are each an integral part of this universe. We have a designated space carved out by God or, if you choose, an evolutionary link needed in this world. If we didn’t exist, some things on this planet would be different. 

Yes, there is a specific place in this world for you and me, just because we exist.

Reading this book, I realized that I spent a lot of my life curled up in the heel of my space, instead of standing up and filling it. Maybe you, too, have felt powerless, inadequate, and undeserving.

Many of us were raised to be someone else's vision for us. Some of us had families who had no idea how to love and raise a child. Some of us were battered verbally and/or physically and isolated from the ones who would have nurtured and encouraged us. We were humiliated, degraded, and threatened. Taught that we weren’t worth loving. 

If you were like me, you tried to earn your partner’s love by being whoever and whatever your partner wanted you to be. You tried to be the perfect wife, mother, and housekeeper but always fell short in the eyes of your partner. You gave of yourself to the point you lost your true self and felt empty. You went numb.

Things may have come to a point for you like it did for me. You just tried to stay out of the line of fire. You backed down, and curled into a tight ball, hiding in the corner of your space, convinced you had no power to change things and there was no way out. 

How would your life be different if you had been encouraged and affirmed as you became the person you were meant to be? If the wise women had told you that your life’s journey has provided you with knowledge, gifts, and talents that are unique to you. And that, each moment in this life, you are taking in more knowledge that will move you farther along the path you are meant to walk. You’re Acquiring abilities you need to do the next thing in your life’s work. Knowing this, could you then rise up and fill your space with confidence? How would it feel?

Suppose they told you that you could heal that small frightened child within by giving her all the love and nurturing she didn’t receive. You can visualize yourself as a little girl, take her into your arms, and look into her eyes. Tell her, “I’m sorry about what happened in your life. You deserved better than you received. You are a sacred human being and will make a difference in this world. I love you.”

How would your life be different if you let yourself grieve the past, feeling the pain until it dissipates? It will, with time. If you like, you can ask a trusted friend to sit with you during this exercise (not to try to fix you, but to acknowledge the hurt,) hold you, and assure you that you deserve better.  Then you can move on knowing that you are here for a purpose. You deserve good things in your life.

If you have no idea what your life’s purpose is, it doesn’t matter. You will fulfill your purpose if you stand, fill your space, and open your heart to your life’s lessons and opportunities.

How would it feel?

Independence Day

It’s Independence Day, though I haven’t thought about it this way in years, it’s the day I broke free from my abuser. 

Freedom. Is there anything more precious than freedom to those who don’t have it?

Freedom from the pain of living with someone who batters you with words and/or fists. Freedom from walking on eggshells every moment of every day. Freedom from trying to explain away his horrible behavior. Freedom from believing that everything that’s wrong is your fault. Freedom from the fear that this might be your last day on this earth. Freedom from waking up and wishing it had been.

Freedom. The word brings me to my knees with gratitude.

I Don't Make Good Decisions

Continuing the series on beliefs that we have to deal with when we leave an abuser -- 

 “I don’t make good decisions.”

A victim lives with a partner who teaches her that she is incompetent. While he may encourage, even insist, she make decisions, he’s really setting her up so he can destroy her self-esteem. Any choice she makes will be wrong and her partner will berate her for hours, pointing out how stupid she is. She becomes terrified of making even the simplest decision.

After leaving him, she still carries with her the terror of the ramifications of making a wrong choice. Now, faced with the many life-changing decisions (safety for herself and children, TROs, divorce, child custody, children’s emotional well-being, lawyers, judges, living accommodations, and many more) she feels paralyzed. Meanwhile, her partner pressures her to return to him, using mind games. He professes his love and expresses his deep concern for her ability to make it on her own. This is meant to keep her off balance and reinforce her feeling of incompetence.

Whether a victim goes to a shelter or not, she can still use the services of an advocate trained to help women who are faced with major life decisions. (If there is no shelter in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for assistance: 800-799-7233) A shelter advocate lays out the choices and helps a victim think through each. Advocates don’t pressure or make any decisions for the victim, but empowers her as she develops a safety plan, walks through the court system, plans a budget, finds a home and many other needs. As a victim moves through the process she begins to realize she is competent.

Another decision-type issue we deal with is the feeling of not knowing what we want or like. We’d focused only on our partner’s wants and likes for such a very long time, ours fell away. I had to rediscover what I enjoyed doing, eating, seeing. A strange side to this issue was that since I was so used to not doing things I enjoyed, after I left I needed prompting to do things. It took a while for me to be spontaneous and decide to go to a movie or out to lunch. 

After I left, I’d hesitate to buy clothing. I didn’t know what to buy because I’d lived with a strict criteria on what I was allowed to wear. Also, money had been an issue. A few years after my divorce, while shopping with a friend, I was drooling over an outfit. “Buy it,” she said. “It’s really a little more than I want to spend right now.” I told her. She looked me in the eye and said. “If not now, when?” She was right. We deserve things that make us feel happy. So budgeting in a little more for something special, on occasion, is a lovely gift we give ourselves.

My final note about decisions: It’s easy to look at choices in an all-or-nothing manner. Often there is more than one right choice. And even if I we make a “wrong” choice or one that didn’t turn out as we’d hoped, we can change it. It’s not the end of the world. I like Thomas Edison’s reply to the guy who asked Edison about all his failures as he invented the lightbulb -- Edison said, “I haven’t failed. I just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” 

Everything in a controlling relationship is so heavy, we forget that it’s not necessarily a big deal to make a mistake. We need to lighten up on ourselves and keep moving forward.

I Can't Make it on My Own

 One of the biggest false beliefs that held me in my relationship for far too long was: 

On my own, I can’t make it in the outside world.

When we leave the relationship, we are thrown into a world we are not prepared to handle. We’ve lived under our partner’s rules, expectations, and boundaries. Thinking for ourselves or making decisions wasn't allowed. Also, he’s painted the outside world as his co-conspirator. Due to the Stockholm syndrome and brainwashing we believe that no one will listen to us or believe our word over his.   

It’s hard for us to trust that there are people who will listen to and believe us. Many of us had to hit bottom and feel we had no place else to go. Empty and numb we had no choice but to tell our story to someone. Thank God, there are people who are eager to help, www.ndvh.org, www.ncadv.org, our family, shelter personnel, therapists and others.

The affirmation and support we receive from others can help us to not only trust others, but to trust ourselves again. With renewed awareness, we learn to listen and act on our inner authentic voice, instead of the voice in our head that’s driven by fear. As we trust our own wisdom, our self-esteem starts to grow. We don’t beat ourselves up over decisions that don’t turn out the way we’d hoped, but learn from them. We develop tools to determine who fits as a friend and who must go, and walk away from people who are negative or non-supportive. (No more people pleasing or substituting their beliefs for our own.) We make clear statements to the offender, saying we choose to end all contact. If he persists, we consider him a stalker and take legal action (get a protection order, communicate with the police, document contact attempts, save threatening voice mail messages, and letters and if need, prosecute him.) 

If we can’t walk away from the offenders (i.e. they’re family or the father of our children), we take care of ourselves by (obtaining protection orders if needed) limiting our time with them. Often it’s easier to drop off/pick up children through a third party. We set clear rules -- conversations are limited to child related issues only, any disparaging remarks end the conversation, immediately. Soon we can identify the games our ex or others play, allowing us to stand apart and watch without being caught up in it or taking it personally.  What they do or say is not about us, but about who they are.

Many of us left everything behind, grateful to get out with our life and our kids. Rebuilding our life is no small feat. It’s overwhelming. I found that if I concentrated on what I can do today to take one more step forward, I could control the anxiety. Writing in a journal about my pain, anger and frustration helped, too. (Later I could look back and see how far I’d grown.) Joining a support group and therapy was crucial to my recovery. Prayer has always been a part of my life, it strengthened and comforted me.

I hated doing the work, but did it anyway. One step at a time. When I caught myself looking for an easy solution, I’d stop. There is no easy solution. We hadn’t had control over our lives for so long that it feels uncomfortable and frightening to take command. Finding someone to take control and responsibility again can be appealing. The fear and loneliness can also be so overwhelming that we might consider returning to our abusers. To quell these urges, I wrote a list of what I liked about my partner and what I’d change. That was enough to remind me why returning to him was not a good idea. 

It’s also not a good idea to jump into a new relationship before we’ve cleaned up the crime scene on our spirits. Those relationships usually blow up in our faces and only add to our bruised and bloodied souls. Not to mention, wreck havoc on another person’s life, or the lives of our children should they become attached to this person.

It’s hard work, but worth it. One of the most important lessons I learned was that I could take care of myself and my kids. I didn’t need anyone, but I wanted someone to share my life with. When I believed that I could trust myself to deal with whatever came my way (and not crumble up, die and blow away in the wind if it didn’t work out), I was able to risk opening my heart to love. And love came.

The bottom line is that we have to trust ourselves before we can trust others. We’ll talk more about this.

Slogging Through the Healing Process

If it’s going to be, it’s up to me. I hate that saying. But, it’s true. People who love us can help, but it’s our job to change our lives for the better. 

When we leave a violent relationship, the terror of how our partner will react shrouds our life and colors our future. Safety for ourselves and children takes center stage. Meanwhile, we struggle with where to live, finding a job (one that will pay enough to support ourselves and children) and explaining to the kids why we left. These are just a few of the many issues that leaves us feel confused and unsettled. 

We may also wrestle with the Stockholm syndrome. Like kidnapped victims, a woman living with domestic abuse over a period of time often begins to side with her captor. It’s a survival mechanism. She quickly learns what triggers his violence and how to avoid those triggers to remain safe. If she can just behave “right,” everything will be okay. Small acts of kindness on his part, are a welcome oasis in her terrifying world.  As a result, her reasoning becomes skewed and she feels he, in a sense, is her protector as well as the object of her fear.  He holds the power over her life and death. 

During that time, our partners have imprinted false beliefs, rules and demands designed to keep us off balance and vigilant to their every need. Through constant brainwashing, we come to believe we are as incompetent and stupid as our partners say. How can we survive without them? They’ve also set themselves up to be the center of our worlds. Our job has been to care for their every need. It’s not surprising that when we leave, many of us still feel responsible to care for them. I felt guilty every time I cooked dinner, believing that I should send a meal to my ex. I didn’t do it. I knew that doing so would say to him that there was a chance I’d return. The relationship was over, it seemed more compassionate to hold the line than to give him false hope.

 One of the biggest struggles for victims, is to replace the distorted thinking with healthy, “normal” thinking. In support groups, seminars, and one on one, women said -- “I don’t know what normal thinking is anymore.” That’s why I wrote But He’ll Change. I, too, had wondered that same thing.

In the next few entries of my blog, let’s talk about those thoughts that jerk us around and how we can change them.  

How Did I Get Into This Mess?

One of the biggest questions I struggled with when I left my abuser was: How did I get into this mess? I continually berated myself for being so stupid that I ended up in an abusive relationship. I voiced this to a very wise friend. She replied, “Suppose he came to pick you up for your first date, and when you opened the door he punched you in the face. Would you have gone out with him?” My response was in the ballpark of “HELL, NO! I’d call the police and have him arrested.” The point is, If an abuser treated us at the beginning of the relationship like he did at the end there would have been no relationship. 

An abuser knows if he wants to snare you, he must act and sound like a decent man. He becomes the romantic, thoughtful, caring, funny, seemingly honest, warm guy you’d hoped to find. There is no reason for you to suspect that he’s not who he appears to be, after all, you’re being honest about who you are. Yet, he’s hidden behind a facade. You think he’s interested to hear about your life. While, you feel flattered, he’s collects data that he will later use to manipulate you. He learns about your vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams. Later he will attack you in these very tender places to destroy your self-esteem. He asks questions about your opinions. You feel, Wow, this guy actually cares what I think. But, he’s planning how to bend your will to his. While you thrill at the thought that he’s finds you so attractive he can’t keep his hands off of you, he’s pushing you into a sexual relationship to hook you emotionally.

It’s no surprise, that victims come out of the relationship with huge trust issues.

We spend a lot of time beating ourselves up over something we were not responsible for. We did the right thing. We went into the relationship with an open heart, fell in love and trusted him. Isn’t that what we should do? Trust is part of the foundation of a healthy relationship (love, respect and communication are others.) The fault in the failed relationship sits squarely on the shoulders of the one who broke that trust. He misrepresented himself. He lied.

So, how do you know if you have a good man or not? Here are my thoughts. An abuser:

• Rushes the victim into a relationship.  He talks marriage, kids and starts planing the future too soon in the relationship. He may have his whole life mapped out, and the victim is, to him, the missing piece, expected to fit into HIS world. In Healthy relationships, partners take the needed time to get to know one another, and move at a comfortable pace for both people. There is no fear that if you don’t commit now the relationship is over.
• Doesn’t take “no” for an answer. He pouts, coerces, cajoles, accusing you of not caring for him, guilting you into yielding to his wishes. You may hear, “If you loved me you would/wouldn’t (insert activity here).” He may threaten to leave you if he doesn’t get his way. In Healthy relationships, partners respect each other’s feelings and needs. No, means no.
• Has a sense of entitlement. He may have a definite idea of gender roles in society, with the male role being superior to the female’s. He is often passionate about issues and has definite likes and dislikes. You may find yourself thinking, It’s more important to him than to me so I’ll just go along (or give in.) In Heathy relationships, partners do not require one party to always yield to the other’s wishes. Each partner has an equal say in decisions. Differences of opinion are negotiated and respected wether an agreement is reached or not.
• Monopolizes the victim’s time. He insists on always being together and is offended if you want time alone, with your friends or family members. He criticizes your friends and family, often insisting you stop seeing them, or makes it difficult for you to see them, isolating you. In Healthy relationships, partners give each other time together, and time to pursue individual interests or spend with friends. Also, they spend time with each other’s friends and family. Each partner maintains their own life. Those lives overlap (nether is absorbed into the other) into a life together.

For more information on this topic, I recommend Lundy Bancoft’s book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. It was an eye opener for me.