How Long Should I Stay?

 

“If I stay in this relationship, is it possible my narcissistic* partner will change?” A Facebook group member posted then followed it by describing incidents of neglect, gaslighting, shaming, and other acts of abuse.

Within this question, I hear the pain and yearning crushing the heart of the one asking. They’re most likely thinking: “Why can’t my partner see how hard I’m working to create the life they say they want, and how I’m going above and beyond to make it possible?” “Why can’t they see that perfect life is within reach for both of us, if only my partner acknowledged my efforts and made a few reasonable concessions?” 

Victims of controlling partners want basic human rights: To be treated with kindness and respect. To negotiate differences and not always have to lose. 

Controlling partners make neither concessions nor do they compromise.

Follow-up questions often include, “Why am I not enough for them?” “Why am I not worth their effort?” Blaming ourselves for our partners’ unacceptable behavior makes us believe we have control over the situation. If we change, things will get better. The truth is, the blame for our partners’ behavior sits squarely on their shoulders. We deserve to be loved, respected, and cherished. It should not have to be earned.

Next comes the question with the answer we don’t want to hear: “How long should I stay? I’ve put so much effort into this relationship. I don’t want to miss out if they do change.”

I’ve wrestled with those questions. This is what I learned.

Nobody changes unless they:

• Want to change,
• Will do the work which includes owning up to their unacceptable behavior and making amends,
• See you as an individual, one who deserves respect, and
• See a value for themselves in changing.

We tell ourselves what I call the “Yes, Buts”. Here are my rebuttals: 

• “Yes, but they can be so wonderful.” One of their tactics to keep you hooked in the relationship is to offer you occasional indulgences. You feel overjoyed at the moment, but soon events head south when their actual personality returns.
• “Yes, but I want to save them, heal them”. We cannot heal another person. If they want to heal, they will make the effort. If they don’t, all of your efforts are worthless. 
• “Yes, but I don’t want to be a failure.” You’ve done everything in your power to make things better. Without your partner’s cooperation, nothing will change. You are not a failure. Your partner failed to choose love and respect. You are free to leave with a clear conscience.
• “Yes, but I love them.” Who do you love? The person they are now or the person you hoped or wanted or imagined them to become? I suggest you take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. On one side, write everything you love about this person, on the other, what you would change. See how those balance out.
• “Yes, but it’s better to have the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” No, it’s not. It’s better to have no devil in your life. You have to do the work to heal yourself. Then you will be ready to attract a healthy partner.
• “Yes, but I don’t want to be alone.” Let me suggest you clear a space in your life to welcome the right partner. As long as you allow an undeserving person to occupy that space, there is no room for the right person to come into your life.

Should you wait for your partner to change?

If your partner has entered a batterers treatment program,** and you see evidence they are making a sincere effort to understand their former behavior’s effect on you and are making noticeable changes in their behavior, yes. 

If they start treatment and you see no improvement in their behavior within a few weeks, or if you discover they are not attending, but telling you they are, it’s time to walk away. (You have the right to check to see if your partner is attending the required sessions. If your partner objects to you making a call to confirm their attendance, it’s time to be suspect.)

Value yourself enough to not allow anyone in your life to determine your worth. Chances are, controlling partners will never live up to your hopes and dreams. Don’t allow the chaos they bring into your life to continue. Ask yourself, “How much of my life do I want to spend waiting? Better yet, how many opportunities am I willing to lose by waiting?”

If your answer is “None,” then it’s time to reach out for help through your local DV organization or program. DV programs often have legal advocacy groups and support groups. Most provide shelter and can connect you with a therapist trained in coercive controlling relationships.

Whether you are in a relationship with a narcissist or coercive controller, there is nothing you can do to change this person, but you can change yourself and live a better life. I promise this is not the only person you can love. The world has many kind and thoughtful people to love and who will love you in return.

*  While the word narcissist has become the common title for abusers, not all abusers are narcissists. For this blog, I will use the term controlling partner.

**Batterers' treatment is different from Anger Management treatment. Abusive partners need batterers' treatment.  See:

Anger Management vs Batterers' Treatment

Writing a New Narrative For 2021

This morning I selected a guided meditation from Insight Timer by Sez Kristiansen titled, Re-Storying Into a Nourishing, New Year’s Narrative. Kristiansen reminds us, “We do not tell the stories we live, but live the stories we tell ourselves.” 

She suggests we use our talents, art, music, and writing, to express what we experienced in this brutal (my word, not her’s) year. What was our hero’s journey? How were we worn down? What changed inside us for the better? What new strengths do we have?

Between the partisan politics and the pandemic, it has been a grueling year. During this multi-holiday month of December, I’ve been reminded that all the major religions of the world, and Humanists, have a common tenant at the base of their beliefs. We should treat others with the same dignity and respect that we want others to extend to us.

That seems reasonable, doesn’t it? Why has it become so hard to do? When I think of all the work ahead, to make our country, our world, into a better place, I feel defeated before I’ve even started doing anything. Where do we begin? Kristiansen suggests that we change the narrative we've been telling ourselves and write a new one. I would like one that fosters kindness and peace and working together for the good of all.

We’ve been slogging through the muck. We are grieving. Can we stand together at this moment, acknowledging the depth and breadth of loss, pain, fear, disenfranchisement, and loneliness felt by so many of us? 

A new year stretches out before us, fresh and clean, new awakenings, new opportunities. Are we going to carry all the hatred, vindictiveness, and power-grabbing, disappointments of this year into the next? I hope not.

Let's write a new narrative for the coming year, one that includes us as a part of the healing process and solutions. One that is based on loving and caring for others. Let's write this new story in our hearts and live it out daily in the next year.

What will we take into 2021? What will we leave behind?  We get to choose. 

The Insight Timer app has thousands of free meditations available.

When Sheltering at Home is Not Safe

During this pandemic, we are being called to shelter in place. For women and men living with violent partners, the home is neither shelter nor safe. It’s the opposite. Right now, home is the most dangerous place for a victim to be.

The stress of being laid off from a job, or fired can increase the abuser's frustration and anger. These strong feelings are often spewed out as physical or emotional violence toward their partner. Alcohol or drug consumption may increase during this time, allowing the perpetrator to justify the behavior, and leave the victim in serious danger.

Victims recognize the inky, foreboding cloud, swirling in the room. As tension builds, the breath-stealing stress becomes suffocating. Victims know the explosion will come, just not when. There is no way they can interrupt or stop the momentum.

If you are in this circumstance, know that your partner’s bad behavior is not about you or because of you. Understand that you are doing the best you can do in an unbearable situation. Only you know what you need to do to survive from one day to the next. Be kind to yourself. It’s easy to accept blame for the violence. Let me assure you that the brutality in your home is not your fault. Your partner is choosing to abuse you because they can. There is nothing you can do that gives anyone the right to physically or emotionally abuse you. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

Having to isolate yourself now plays right into your abuser’s hands. Isolation is the most important tool batterers use to maintain control over their victims. Shelters are available to help you through this period. If you are ready to leave, advocates from the shelters can help you make a plan and leave safely. If you are not ready to leave, advocates can offer you support and help you evaluate your options. Peer support groups are also available in many shelters. It may be difficult for you to contact a shelter right now since there is little privacy at home. However, when you go to the grocery store, medical clinic, or pharmacy, ask to use their phone and call your nearest shelter. As you prepare to leave, find a safe place to store copies of important documents, cash, and any other items you plan to take with you (somewhere in your house, or at a friend’s house) so you will be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.

In the meantime, if you are not ready to leave, there are things you can do.

Be compassionate with yourself. Treat yourself as you would your best friend. When you hear that internal voice starts to berate you, stop it in its tracks. Remind yourself of all the good things you really are: kind, hardworking, loving, creative, etc. No self-flagellation allowed. Instead, celebrate the goodness in you.

Take a moment, find a quiet spot to sit, and follow your breath. Repeat, “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be safe, may I be at peace” several times. A backyard is a good location to rest, watch the clouds, admire the flowers, dig in the dirt, and pray. Take a walk, a run, a bubble bath, something that feeds your soul. Embrace the fearful parts of yourself with love and kindness. Believe that you deserve a moment to rest.

Stay in touch with at least one friend. Set a regular time to check in with them. Choose a signal (a word texted to them, a light left on, or a plant in the window) that tells them they need to call 911.

If you have children, set up a safety plan. What neighbor they can go to when things erupt at home, a hiding place within the house if necessary, and a code word telling them to call 911. Let them know that they are not responsible for what is happening.

It looks as though we will be sheltering for a longer period than we formerly thought. You are in my heart and prayers. This is a difficult and challenging time. Please stay connected to others, and when you are ready, reach out for help.

Raise Your Hand

“There is more to admire in one another than there is to dislike.” 

Tony Dokoapil on CBS This Morning

In today’s world, we are told to slap a single, flat label on “others,” making them the enemy and rejecting who they are. But we are multi-faceted people. 

Raise Your Hand If….

• You are tired of distancing yourself and staying at home
• You have eaten your way through the refrigerator and are halfway through the pantry
• You or a family member have or had the COVID-19 virus
• You are a caretaker: nurse, doctor, first responder, therapist, parent, child.
• You served our country in the military
• You have children and want them to have a better life than you had
• You have parents, and want them to live the retirement lifestyle they have always desired: travel, that house by the lake
• You or a family member has a health issue: depression, PTSD or another mental issue, a life-threatening illness, an annoying but manageable illness
• You are creative: an artist, writer, musician, architect, landscaper, inventor
• You are brave most of the time, sometimes, or wish you were braver
• You have a dream for your future, waiting at the bottom of your heart
• You are lonely, afraid, feeling empty
• You are living with violence from a spouse, parent, child, or another person in power
• You love hugs, kisses, making love
• You are in the middle of fulfilling your life dream
• You want to be seen, heard, respected, understood
• You have a vision for this country
• You are following a faith tradition or your own pathway

I could go on, but you get the idea. We raised our hands to many of the same statements. If we could stand in a group (not now, due to COVID-19), we would recognize that we have many of the same hopes, visions, and struggles as others. We could come to understand life experiences outside of our own, and how, using our unique abilities and common experiences, we could work together, to build a better world.

When we see each other only as a single label, we miss the beauty inside all of us. We are multi-faceted jewels. We share bright, colorful, and shining facets, as well as remnants of wounds. We can look beyond labels and acknowledge, respect, and explore our own and each other’s humanity.

I'll raise my hand for that.

When the Holidays Aren't Merry

Today's posting is by Jennifer Parker, MSSW, LCSW*

The holidays can be an especially difficult time when we’re grieving intimate partner violence (IPV). We mourn that the holiday magic and fun portrayed by the media is not mirrored in our relationships. This time of year can press in upon us and be especially difficult to navigate, much less feel joyful.  

  

Sometimes there is hope that this holiday will be different. We try to make everything perfect, meeting partners’ expectations, voiced or unvoiced. If our hopes are dashed by any type of coercive control, it can plunge us into despair.

If we’re thinking of leaving the relationship, we often want to get through the holidays and put off any decisions we’re contemplating, especially when we have children. That means maintaining our mask—putting on a pretend face with family, friends, or others. I believe those who suffer from intimate abuse are the best ones to know the timing that is right for them. The last thing you need is second-guessing from others who are concerned for you.

Here are some questions for coping with the holidays when you’re feeling anything but cheery. They are set as questions because I don’t want them to feel like something you “should. do” You know what’s possible better than anyone else.

• Can you build in some time for yourself while doing holiday shopping? It’s impossible to find any peace and calm when you’re constantly in the chaos of coercive control. Often, we feel afraid to take even fifteen minutes for a coffee or other break. If you do, focus on just breathing and remembering a time you did feel peaceful. This isn’t about denial; it’s about giving your body and spirit a break from the stress.  
• Can you envision the kind of holiday you’d like to be having? Paint that picture in your mind or on paper with words or drawings. Hold it out as the goal you’re working toward in the future.
• Can you make a list of what you’re grateful for? This also isn’t about denial. It may seem silly given what you’re facing, but when we can focus on what we’re grateful for, it also gives our bodies a safe harbor from stress. In addition, it gives us a mindset that helps in move through whatever difficult circumstances we are experiencing.
• Would you be able to make a crafty gift for those you care about? This is especially nice if you don’t have the resources (or access to them) for buying gifts. Perhaps an ornament or a card made with recycled materials. Or, something you bake or a mix you concoct for baking later. Anything that is creative and allows you to express yourself. The focus on giving “stuff” that costs money can overshadow the true spirit of the holidays.
• Can you take a walk in a natural setting like a park or just in a neighborhood, to get some time to yourself? Or, take it with your children? Nature often reconnects us to ourselves.
• Can you choose an affirmation that connects you with who you are, not how you’re treated? Examples are: “I am okay just as I am,” I deserve love and respect,” “I am enough.” Make up your own or google others that fit for you if none of these call to you. Remember that the affirmation doesn’t necessarily feel true right now; that’s why you’re doing it. Over time, they affect us positively, just as do negative messages that bring self-esteem down.
• Do you have someone who can also give you your affirmation? It’s so important to have others who are supportive to counteract abusive messages.
• Have you visited websites that can be helpful to you while protecting your privacy, such as NCADV (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)? There is online support available, but make sure it can’t be seen by your partner.
• Would it be helpful to find a support person and make an appointment for after the holidays (or before)? This could be a therapist, an intimate partner abuse advocate from your local agency, a minister, or anyone you can trust will understand and encourage you. Not someone who will judge or pressure you to do something, even if they are well-intentioned.

I hope you found at least one of these useful or else they inspired you to think of something else that can boost your spirits.

Know that you aren’t alone during this or any other time of year. There are those who want to serve you in whatever ways you need.

Best wishes for the path ahead.

* My guest blogger is Jennifer Parker, a therapist who has specialized in intimate partner violence and other trauma work for the past 33 years. She developed a Woman’s Voices curriculum that has brought healing to numerous victims of intimate partner violence. She is currently writing a book on coercive control. Visit her blog at:    www.madisonmentalhealthcounselor.com. 

See this post on her blog:

WHEN HOLIDAYS AREN’T MERRY    

Calling Men “In” to End Violence Against Women

At the foundation of violence against women are three basic building blocks: women have lesser value, women are property, and the objectification of women.  

Tony Porter is one of the leading advocates working to end violence against women by the socialization of men, promoting healthy, respectful manhood. If you haven’t heard of him, you will.

He is not only calling men out but more importantly, he is calling men in. Violence against women is the #1 health concern for women in this country and abroad. He believes that the socialization of men is key to ending abuse. “It’s not just a women’s problem. Women alone cannot stop it.” 

In his talk at the DAIS luncheon in Madison, Wisconsin, he laid down the “man rules” young boys are taught: be tough, courageous, dominating, no pain, no emotions but anger, no fear, don’t act like a girl, be a heterosexual. These form the parameters of what Porter calls the Man Box. He is working to help men and boys see how they have been socialized and the damage it can cause. “The liberation of men is tied to the liberation of women.”

In his work with members of major sports teams, he asks, “When a coach says you’re playing like a girl, what does that say about women?” He asked us to think about the messages we send to our sons when we say, “Big boys don’t cry,” or “Don’t be a sissy.” What does that tell them about expressing emotions? Boys learn to hold in their feelings and be dominant at any cost. The greatest cost is to girls and women.

When I first started going to these fundraising luncheons for our shelter, few men attended. This year there were quite a few. Porter asked the men in the room to stand if they were actively helping boys learn how to be healthy men. Many did. When Porter asked the men stand who would now take up the cause, many more stood. It touched my heart. I think we are heading in the right direction.

Tony Porter is the Chief Executive Officer of A Call To Men, an organization working to advance social issues. He is an adviser to the National Football League, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League, Major League Soccer, and Major League Baseball. He is an international lecturer, presented at the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women, and worked with West Point and the US Naval Academy at Annapolis. He is the author of Breaking Out of the Man Box.

Check out Porter’s TED talk. (Tony Porter on TED)

Women Feel Like Prey

Sexual assaults leave victims with a lost sense of safety. Most of us have had more than one experience in this realm. Some have been assaulted at parties by opportunists, and others had boyfriends who coerced, bullied, and intimidated them into sexual behavior they weren’t ready for and didn’t want to engage in at that time. These incidents are not about love or caring. They are about asserting power and control over one another. Pleasure was not given or shared, it was taken. Victims are left hyper-vigilant and expect the worst from every guy who enters their realm. They are left feeling like prey.

[Trigger alert]

At 16 I believed that my awakening to sexuality would slowly unfold over time in moments of shared pleasure and tenderness, housed in the safety of genuine caring and mutual agreement. The encounters would leave me feeling cherished, valued, and respected.

In light of the news last week, an assault claim brought against a Supreme Court nominee, the truth of my indoctrination into the world of dating and sex came back as a thunderous rampage of buried horror charging through me: the fear, the smell of the vinyl seats, the weight of his body holding mine down, his hand clutching my wrist, his other groping me, the indignity of his touch, my helplessness, horror, and shame. I was a shy sensitive sophomore in high school and he was an outgoing, popularity-seeking senior.

Something that should have been lovingly shared was taken without my consent. There was no pleasure, just shock that he would do such a thing. I knew him from our church youth group. We had just started dating. How could he think what he was doing was okay? I was so devastated and stunned that I didn’t scream. I didn’t want to believe what was happening was real, didn’t want to make a scene. So I fought fiercely and silently, but he was bigger, heavier, and stronger than me.

My introduction to teenage relationships left me feeling used, dirty, ashamed, humiliated, and embarrassed. I didn’t have the understanding or the words to process it as a teen. I remember telling myself that it was “just” groping, he didn’t rape me. (1.) I never considered reporting it because I didn’t have anyone to tell. This incident confirmed what my mother had told me, "guys only want one thing." She would have blamed me for getting the guy too excited and not allow me to date anymore. She blamed me for one of my later boyfriend’s acne, saying I was causing his hormones to surge.

When the memory of what I now know was a sexual assault returned in all its oppressive horror, the shock and terror of my 16-year-old self swirled inside me. It took a few days of embracing my younger being, and allowing her to feel the pain and humiliation before I could begin processing the incident through my adult understanding. It was not my fault. He must have planned it, and figured out how he could pin me down to do his dirty work. Was he contemplating his planned conquest during the whole date, anxiously waiting for the trip home to begin and planning the exact moment when he'd make his move?  I was, most likely, not his first victim and probably not his last.

When he walked me to my door, I think he mumbled an apology and said it wouldn’t happen again. I really couldn’t hear him with the traumatic images thundering in my head. I think I agreed to go out with him again. At that time I believed that if someone asked for forgiveness, I had to forgive on the spot. My understanding of forgiveness was to never speak of the misdeed again and the relationship would continue as if the incident never occurred. That old forgive-and-forget saying. That false belief left me open to further exploitation. (See: Real-life Forgiveness)

It was an assault not just on my body but on my very being. Over 50 years later, the incident feels as traumatic as the night it occurred.

A couple of years after that incident, while on vacation, I spent some time with a guy I met. When we prepared to go our respective ways, he took my hand and said, “I just want you to know that all guys aren’t like you think they are. There are nice guys.” He had picked up on my fear and mistrust, all fashioned at the hands of not-nice guys. This nice guy’s words stayed with me.

I’m grateful to the women who are speaking out. I’m shocked that some people can’t or won’t understand how traumatic and violating this behavior is. The status quo is going to change. Women are fed up with the position we’ve been forced into.  We are not going to take it anymore. We will speak out and hold men accountable. The old disqualifies are not going to work; “It was just a grope, not a rape” “Guys do that.” “You just want to ruin his reputation and career opportunities.” “Boys will be boys.” “What were you wearing?” “You were asking for it.” “He was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing.” “You were drunk.” “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” “Get over it.”

To those speakers, we say, no. We don’t just get over it. Instead of spouting off these idiotic comments, why don’t you get busy and do something about these predators, like hold them accountable?


(1.)   Merriam-Webster definitions of rape: 1)unlawful sexual activity and usually, sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against a person's will and 2) an outrageous violation.