Moving Past the Past

One of the biggest struggles after leaving is staying away. We know it takes on average 7 attempts to leave a violent relationship. That’s because of all the emotional hooks and brainwashing we received. 

It’s hard to give up the image of who we believed our partner was. It’ hard to believe that we were sucked in by this -- now know to be a -- monster. We’ve invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship. We have too little self-confidence to believe we can “make it” in the world on our own. We don’t know how to speak for ourselves, support ourselves (and kids,) fight our own battles and create a future. For those of us who were taught that they are stupid, worthless and not capable of making any good decisions, it’s easier to go back than face the huge task of healing and creating a new life.

When we leave, our abuser knows what to say and how to manipulate us to return. He plays the "Mr. Wonderful" card while making it as difficult as possible for us to move forward. With a straight face, he tells us we are not capable of surviving on our own. He’s concerned for our wellbeing. He misses the kids. He’s getting help. He promises it will be different this time. He’s romantic and before we know it we’re in bed together. As long as we stay connected to the past, we are drawn back to stagnate. 

Like me, as a child you may have had a toy or blanket you carried everywhere. I had a stuffed dog that went everywhere with me. I couldn’t sleep without it tucked in bed beside me. If it was lost I’d cry until it was found, desperate and hysterical that my beloved toy was gone forever. Do you know where your beloved toy is? Like mine it may have been tossed away many years ago or tucked in a keepsake box. We don’t need it to make it through a day anymore because we’ve matured beyond that relationship.

In the same way, when we free ourselves from an unhealthy relationship, we begin to mature beyond our need for this destructive partner. It’s a lot of steps forward and some backwards. It’s stretching muscles we didn’t know we had.  Step by step we learn that we can take care of ourselves and children. We can fight our own battles. Along the way, we uncover our gifts and talents that we had to put aside to meet the needs and wants of our controlling partner. We find our passion in life, the thing that fills us with joy. It’s not easy. It’s worn-to-the-bone-sick-of-it-all days and so-help-me-if-have-to-learn-one-more-lesson today, I’ll scream days. But as your life starts to move forward, it’s priceless. Those are the days when you look back and say, “Look how far I’ve come. I don’t need anyone to take care of me.”

Then you can invite someone into your life because you want them there, not because you need them.

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

This is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. I understand the word “date” is slowly disappearing from teens vocabulary. The “dating” that I participated in ages ago has developed into a more joint responsibility for cost and opened up to group activities. I like that. So let’s call it Teen Relationship Violence Awareness Month.  (Which could also include bullying anyone, partner or not.) 

This is what I’d like our teens to know:

You are the only you on this planet. Only you have the combination of gifts and talents for your mission in life. Your abilities won’t be identical to anyone else's. But that’s okay. You are here because you are supposed to be here -- at this time -- right now. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t earn it. It was given to you as an opportunity. You have the right to claim and fill your space on this planet.

As you journey through life, you will discover your gifts and talents, honing them by the good and bad experiences you encounter. Your gifts can be used for good or evil. I hope you chose good, even if you’ve been wounded along the way. It’s always a choice to be kind or unkind- your choice. Sometimes it takes more strength of character to be kind. However, this doesn’t mean that you don’t protect and take care of yourself. There is a fine line between caring for others and becoming a people pleaser who gives to others at the expense of themselves. Don’t become a people pleaser. You have the right to decide who is a part of your life and how they should treat you.

You deserve to be, treated with respect by the people in your life. Others deserve the same from you. There are many people out there that will treat you right. You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, put up with anyone who isn’t respectful - no matter how much you believe you love them and they profess to love you. Watch their actions for the truth about how they feel toward you. If they are constantly criticizing you, berating you, humiliating you, they don’t love you. You will never “love someone enough” to make them love you. Not everyone will like you. Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you, it’s about them. 

Helping someone else, should never hurt you. One big hook a controlling partner uses to hold on to his partner is to convince her that he really wants to and will change but he needs her help. People who want to change, do. They take responsibility and do the work. They put all the effort into changing. If it requires help, they go to a professional trained to guide them, not expect their partner to heal them. 

You cannot change anyone else. You can only change yourself. Often, the best way to help someone is to not buy into their bad behavior, just walk away. There are others who will love and respect you and you can love again- this is not the only person in the world for you. Yes, it hurts to break up. That hurt only lasts a short time. Staying in an abusive relationship hurts 7/24/365. 

Healthy relationships consist of two people who are genuinely concerned for the other but also maintain their own life. That means each gets to discover and pursue their own passion in life. Take their own journey. Define who they are. Develop their own life space. These life spaces can overlap into a shared space (a relationship.) The guy’s journey doesn’t require the girl to give up her journey in order to be loved. Neither should her life space swallow up or negate his. Also, he doesn’t terrorize his partner, paralyzing and inhibiting her from becoming who she was meant to be. Someone who loves you will be your biggest cheerleader, supporting you during your journey of discovery. And you will reciprocate. 

During the teen years, girls and guys think differently. There is nothing wrong with ether way of thinking, it’s just the way we’re wired. Girls are apt to be ready to form a committed relationship before guys are. While she’s thinking we’ll be together forever and ever.  He may also think the same thing. However, her forever and ever is defined as until death do us part. His is often for the next six months. You need to know where your partner is coming from. In healthy relationships partners can talk about issues such as this and respect each other perspective.

Here are some red flags that indicate you are in an unhealthy relationship. Your partner:

1. Doesn’t take “no” for an answer.
2.   Moves too fast and is rushing you into exclusivity, sex. 
3.   Is jealous and limits your circle of friends and who you can talk to.
4.   Monopolizes your time.
5.   Shows up unexpectedly when you are out with friends.
6.   Calls or texts many times throughout the day and night.
7.   Gets angry if you don’t immediately answer the text or call.
8.   Has a sense of entitlement - believes one gender is “better” or deserves better treatment than the other.
9.   Is closed minded about his beliefs and refuses to listen to or consider your opinion.

Finally, if you or a friend need help, please call the National Teen Dating Abuse hotline at: 866.331.9474. 

Here are some websites for teens:

 http://loveisrespect.org/

http://breakthecycle.org/

http://pic.tv/daily/2011/02/16/raising-awareness-teen-dating-violence/

Click on the “Comments” link below and share what you want teens to know.

Why Victims Stay or Return to Their Abusers

“Why didn’t you just leave?” is the most asked question when I speak. It’s hard for people who maintain their own power and can do as they please to understand someone who believes - no - knows they no longer have that power. It’s been taken away from them.

I lived in a violent relationship for almost 20 years. I stayed for many of the same reasons that women return to their abusers.

First, because I loved him -- who I thought he was. He didn’t show up for the first date and slap me across the face. If he had, I would have called the police, had him arrested, stood up in court, pointed him out and said, “He did it.”

Instead, he showed up as a charismatic, thoughtful, romantic, kind, and loving man who was interested in me - what I thought and how I felt. He professed to want the same things out of life that I did. He was everything I wanted in a partner. How could I not fall in love with him?

I didn’t understand at the time that his interest in knowing all about me was his way to learn my vulnerabilities so he could later use them against me. And his desire to know how I thought, was only so he could twist my thinking to his will.

I fell in love with his false persona -my first impression of him. Later, I couldn’t help but think that if he could be that way once, he could be that way always. 

Also, I stayed because he’d shared his pain with me, how no one but his mother ever stood up for him. How previous partners betrayed him, weren’t there for him, and misunderstood him. I wanted to be the one who stood steadfastly beside him. I wanted to heal him, save him. Then he’d be so grateful, he’d love me forever and treat me like a queen. That didn’t happen.

Physical abuse started early in our marriage. About the 4th time he slapped me around, he hit me so hard he popped my ear drum. At that stage in our relationship, I was still strong enough to tell him if he continued to hit me, I’d have to leave. He said, “I thought you loved me.” I said, “I do love you. But if you continue to hit me, I will have to leave.” His reply was, “Then you don’t love me.” My people-pleasing heart said to me, “Tell him you love him. Tell him you’ll never leave.” But my gut said, “Shut up! Don’t take it back.” I listened to my gut and set a boundary that day. I didn’t know it at the time because he’d swaggered over any line I’d ever drawn

After that, he quit hitting me but ratcheted up the verbal abuse and did borderline physical abuse, grabbing and shoving me, pinning me against the wall, screaming in my face that I was a stupid worthless women who couldn’t do anything right. The Stockholm Syndrome set in. Like kidnapped victims, over time I began to side with my captor and believe what he said about me. He destroyed my self-esteem.

Yet, I stayed because he set himself up as all powerful. I believed he could fool the legal system. He threatened that if I tried to leave he’d get custody of the kids and I’d never see them again. He had shady friends who he told me would lie for him in court and say I was an unfit mother. 

Finally I stayed because he had a .357 magnum. He never threatened me with it, he didn’t have to. I knew it was there, loaded in his top drawer.

Toward the end of our marriage, he slammed me into the wall and pinned me with his arm across my throat, pressing in until I saw spots in front my eyes. He said, “You gonna leave me now.” That’s when I realized that he wasn’t hitting me because he didn’t want me to leave. So, now, if I say I wanted a divorce, what was going to keep him from beating me or getting out the gun and using it? I didn’t know. 

Fear holds us or draw us back into the relationship. Victims have bad and worse choices. She leaves, he kills her (and possibly the children.) She stays, he brutalizes her and kills her.

We are a hopeful bunch. But, maybe it’s because we know he, and only he, holds the power to change the situation. So all we have is hope that he will change.

We go back because:

• We think we can handle the situation. We can fix things. We can tough it out. 
• Our partner promises to change- Go into treatment/stop the drugs or other risky behavior. 
• Our partner swears that he loves us and can’t live without us - he’ll kill himself if we don’t come back. 
• He puts on that wonderful persona telling us- 
• We have history, are you going to throw that all away? 
• The kids need me. I’ll die if you take them away from me.
• I thought you loved me.
• We believe that this time our partner means it.

A professor, Amy Bonomi, from Ohio tracked 17 jailed abusers’ phone calls to victims and learned that the batterers were not threatening the women as expected. Instead, after the initial arguments over the phone, the batterers began using sophisticated emotional appeals designed to minimize their actions and gain the sympathy of the victims. The abusers managed to seal the couple’s bond of love, uniting them, then position them against “the others” who don’t understand their love. Making the legal system the enemy. From there, batterers manipulated the victim into dropping the charges or lying in court. (See: Social Science & Medicine online.)

“Practical” reasons victims stay:

• May not identify herself as a victim of abuse.
• Embarrassed to have anyone know.
• Family pressures her to return.
• Doesn’t know what resources are out there to help, she’s been isolated. 
• Doesn’t want to ruin his career. If her partner loses his job, she and children lose their support. What good is it to put them in jail?
• Doesn’t have access to any money. Partner controlled it. She doesn’t know how to handle money. How will she and her children survive in the world?
• Can’t afford an attorney or may be assigned an attorney that doesn’t understand DV (very frustrating to work with a victim if you don’t understand the victim’s perception of the relationship.)
• Could be evicted from her apartment if the domestic violence goes public, or there is no place she can afford to live. Apartment owners don’t want people with a history of DV.
• For the children. Children will lose opportunities, activities, friends, change schools. 
• Has a child with special needs and if she leaves the medical coverage ends.
• Cannot afford child care. Her partner may be the one who cares for the children while she works.
• Afraid to leave pets behind. 
• May be a addicted to drugs and her partner is her dealer.
• Fears the unknown.

When a survivor leaves, she is expected to make life changing decisions. As a person who  has never been allowed to make a decision, or if she did she was severely punished and told it was a wrong decision, it’s overwhelming and terrifying. 

Survivors have to deal with:

• SAFETY, for kids and self.
• Negotiating the legal system they can’t afford, don’t understand and were taught not to trust -

• Terrified to testify in court in front of her abuser. If she breaks the Don’t Tell edict, he will kill her.
• She’s going into court a terrified, hysterical, emotional wreak. He’s going to walk into court, cool, calm, and lie about who she is and what she’s done. He’ll seem very credible. 
• Being murdered
• She KNOWS -There is no place that she can hide that her abuser won’t find her. Every time the media reports a domestic violence related murder, calls to women’s shelters go down because an abuser tells his victim, “See, that’s what will happen to you.” Reinforcing his power position.
• Fear for her children’s safety while visiting with abuser. Children have been murdered to punish the victim.
• Stalking - relentlessly stalked. 
• Everywhere the victims goes, the abuser shows up, follows them or leaves an indication that he’s invaded her personal space.
• Incessant phone calls all day and night. If she has a no contact order against her abuser, the abuser gets his friends or family members to call, or calls her anyway. The victim knows if she turns off her phone or doesn’t answer, he’ll come over and pound on her door or break it down and attack her -- restraining order or no restraining order.
• Abuser disrupts her work. He shows up or calls the victim at work, causing her to lose her job. Then interferes with her finding another job. He shows up at her interview or calls the company telling lies about her.
• Continually drags victims to court over petty issues in order to drain victim’s finances, energy, and time off work.
• Partner threatens to release embarrassing information about the victim. “Out” him/her if they’re same-sex partners. Threaten to report her if she is an undocumented person.
• Abusers may go away then return after many years to stalk the victim and re-assault or murder her. 

In addition survivors are struggling with:

• Divorce proceedings and requirements- more time off from work
• Family court/child custody/visitation- He could get custody. Abusive men are more likely to fight for full custody and are as apt to get it as non-abusive dads.
• Child protection investigation- she could lose the kids.
• Kids emotional and physical needs. 
• Her own grief and pain.

No surprise, victims give up and return. They want to stop the relentless hounding. They feel hopeless and helpless.

Letting Go

Dear Friends,

I don’t know who wrote this. If you do, please let me know. I would like to thank the author. This is perfect for the new year. Let’s agree to let go.  

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

May this coming year bring you more joy and less worries that you expected. 

Hope/Hopelessness

In this season of hope, I think of how victims of DV live with both hopefulness and hopelessness. No one is more hopeful than a victim of abuse. It’s one of the main reasons victims stay, believing that their partner will change at any moment and everything will be okay. We have to think that way because our perception is that there is no way out of the relationship. Since he controls the relationship, we know that only he has the power to change things. 

It’s interesting that both hope and hopelessness can co-exist within us. In that twilight zone juncture, pondering “do I stay or do I leave,” these two emotions become all consuming. If we leave, hope keeps us questioning and doubting our decision. Having been taught not to trust our own judgement feeds into that dilemma. “But he can be so wonderful.” “If I hadn’t [insert partner’s favorite reason why you ruined things] everything would be okay.” Though we understand that our partner will always find fault with us, we continue to hope that we can be better, good enough. And, we hope that we can find the magic solution to heal/fix/cure our partner. When we face the fact that we cannot change anyone but ourselves, hopelessness overwhelms us.

Our partners promise to change. They cry, plead, and beg us to stay or return. If that doesn’t work, they pour on the guilt. They needs us, we’re taking their children from them, causing them to lose their job, ruining their reputations. (Notice nothing’s said about how they’ve destroyed our lives.) If that doesn’t work, it’s on to threats. They’ll kill themselves, us, the children, our families. All the time ramping up the pressure on us to stay or return. Worn and exhausted hopelessness sets in.

Some partners say that they hate what they are doing to us. That indicates that they know what they are doing is wrong and should not be repeated. Anyone who knows what they are doing can stop doing it -- if they really want to.

We beg God to change our partner. Since God has given mankind choice, God does not change anyone without his or her consent and cooperation, he or she has to do the work. That means an abuser has to take steps to stop the behavior. The first step -- go into batterer’s treatment. Second step -- do the work and complete the program. Third step -- do whatever is needed to stay on the right track. Any effort less than that means there will be no change.

Another thing we struggle with in this twilight zone, is that all the effort we’ve put into the relationship will be lost if we leave. “Wonder if he does change?” “Someone else will reap the benefits of my work and I’ll have to start over with someone else.” If he hasn’t gone into treatment serious about changing, he’s not going to change. His behavior isn’t about who we are, it’s about who they are. The victims are interchangeable. 

This is the season of hope. I know it can be hard to face the holidays when you're alone, recovering from abuse. Everything around you can remind you of lost dreams and hopes. Everything seems to reek of love and family closeness, sending you into a tailspin of hopelessness and depression. Suddenly you’re remembering the good times and discounting the bad ones. This is when you need to hold strong. If you haven’t made a list of what you love about him and what you’d change, now’s the time. Write down the truth of how you’ve been treated. If you stay or return all those bad behaviors will continue.

To get to a better life you will have to be uncomfortable for a time, just for a time. Let me assure you that you can have hope -- hope that your future will hold a better life for you and your children. The path is not easy, but hang in there. This Christmas celebrate how far you’ve come. Do your best to focus on the blessings in your life. Try to concentrate only on today and trust that the future will take care of itself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, meet the challenges of each day and you will walk out of the darkness. All of us who have been there are standing with you, holding you in prayer. 

May the grace of this season touch your heart and peace surround you with it’s comforting and joyous glow. 

Why Couldn't He Love Me?

This was the most difficult question that I struggled with after I left my partner. Why couldn’t he love me? What was so awful about me? 

It took a long time for me to understand and accept the answer--He couldn’t love me because he can’t love anyone, not even himself. There was nothing I could do to change that.

Does my remark about him not loving himself raise sympathy in you for your abuser? Can you see through his bravado facade that he really has low self-esteem? Does it make you think--if someone loved him enough, he would change? Yeah, I also thought that. I wanted to be his savior. Standing beside him, healing his wounded heart. Then he would love me forever and ever. Being loved that way was my goal. I believed you had to earn love. By caring for his every need, I thought he would care for mine.

That’s not how it works. Our partners tell us how they were misunderstood, mistreated, and wounded in their lives. Our nurturing hearts kick in, and we are willing to sacrifice ourselves to save them. This is the hook abusers use to draw us into the relationship and cause us to focus on their needs, letting go of our own. It’s a game for them. A way to make us believe we could earn their love. In truth, love is given freely -- no catches, conditions, or jumping through hoops required.

If we ask ourselves, “What’s so awful about us that our partner couldn’t love us?” We're making ourselves the problem (easy to believe because they tell us that everything was our fault.) However, If we are the problem, then we think we have some control. We can fix things. If we fix things, they will love us forever and ever. Once again, we are trying to earn their love. As you and I know, we will never earn our partner’s love. That’s part of the game, holding the carrot out in front of us and moving it every time we think we are within reaching distance.

Our partners’ inability to love us is not about us at all. It’s about them.

 

I always felt that there were pieces of the puzzle missing in my partner: compassion, empathy, genuine concern for others. Altruism didn't exist within him. Being overly compassionate myself, to the point that I was willing to be anyone’s doormat and suffer for another’s happiness to be loved, was unhealthy. It was hard to fathom that others didn’t feel the same way I did. Loving, caring, trusting came so easily to me that I couldn’t imagine that some people don’t reciprocate. They don’t. Really. I wouldn’t kid you about that.

As far as feeling that our partners don’t love themselves, let me say this, they may lack self-love, but they do believe that they are entitled to have a person in their life who takes care of all their needs and wants. Reciprocity is not on their radar screen. It never crosses their mind that we have needs and wants of our own, dreams we’d like to fulfill. Even if they claim to support us in our self-development, they usually find a way to sabotage our efforts. Making it too difficult to pursue our passion. Telling us that we failed because we are stupid.

I was raised with the adage, “You can draw more flies with honey than vinegar.” When you think about it, it’s a no-brainer. Yelling at someone makes them feel bad. It also makes them not like you very much. Abusers don't seem to understand that their constant yelling and inflicting physical abuse on their partners is not going to make anyone happily love and care for them. It will only breed resentment and hatred. Instead, they hold fast to the belief that they do not need to return love and kindness to anyone. They take and do not give.

 We know that when they are cornered and have to say they are sorry and won’t hit, yell, or destroy our things again, they eventually make us pay for having to grovel so we won't leave them. 

Maintaining power to them means they withhold from us that which we desire most. They may give us “things,” but we will never get what we want most of all, their love and devotion. So if they don’t choose to build a relationship based on kindness and genuine love and concern, all they have left is to build one based on power and control. Love never enters the picture. Isn’t that sad? They could have had everything they wanted: a partner who loved and cherished them, willing to go the extra mile for them, and sexually turned on. Instead, they elected to be a dictator. I’ll never understand why some people make that choice.

So, now that we are out of our toxic relationships, let us not concentrate on why they couldn't love us but how grateful we are for those in our lives that do. 

The Power of Telling Our Story

The end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month is here. Wish that also meant the end of DV. 

I’m tired from the busyness of this month. Worn down because this month more than any other I live with the past, retelling my story many times. Anyone who’s been there knows that memories churn up the old stressful, painful feelings. I really don’t mind sharing my story because it means educating others so they may become empowered and reach out for help if they are in violent relationships. Also, by speaking out listeners learn how to help friends who are living with abuse.

As I spoke to one group of professional women, I noticed many heads bobbing in understanding as I shared my story. Afterwards, several women came up to me and said, “Your story is my story.” Another attendee, stopped me to say, “Look around.” Her hand swept the air to indicate the many small groups of women engaged in conversation. “They’re all talking about what happened to them,” she said. “Sharing their own stories of domestic abuse.”  I felt awed and humbled. Knowing I can make a difference in women's lives is why I continue to speak out.

If DV is going to end, it will be because we:

• Tell our stories.
• Teach our children, friends and community about DV.
• Reach out to one another if we think DV is a part of her life.
• Demand that we be treated with respect.
• Raise our sons and daughters with men who treat women with respect.
• Vote/Elect more women to higher offices in this country.
• Demand change. 

We can’t wait for someone to make these changes for us, we have to go out and make it happen.

Below are links to only a few of the organizations where you can make a difference. I recommend you check out these and others you find on the internet or from talking with friends. You’ll want to read the mission statement, know who is funding the organization, and how that money is spent. Then get involved by giving your time, vote, or financial support to one or more whose beliefs and goals are compatible with your own. 

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

National Organization for Women (NOW)

ZONTA INTERNATIONAL > Home

Battered Women's Justice Project (BWJP)

Directories of Women's Organizations

http://www.ncdbw.org/ (National Clearinghouse for Defense of Battered Women)

Womenforwomen.org

National Women's Political Caucus

Don’t let the end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month mean you stop thinking about it. Violence against women is here to stay as long as we do nothing to change it.