I Can't Make it on My Own

 One of the biggest false beliefs that held me in my relationship for far too long was: 

On my own, I can’t make it in the outside world.

When we leave the relationship, we are thrown into a world we are not prepared to handle. We’ve lived under our partner’s rules, expectations, and boundaries. Thinking for ourselves or making decisions wasn't allowed. Also, he’s painted the outside world as his co-conspirator. Due to the Stockholm syndrome and brainwashing we believe that no one will listen to us or believe our word over his.   

It’s hard for us to trust that there are people who will listen to and believe us. Many of us had to hit bottom and feel we had no place else to go. Empty and numb we had no choice but to tell our story to someone. Thank God, there are people who are eager to help, www.ndvh.org, www.ncadv.org, our family, shelter personnel, therapists and others.

The affirmation and support we receive from others can help us to not only trust others, but to trust ourselves again. With renewed awareness, we learn to listen and act on our inner authentic voice, instead of the voice in our head that’s driven by fear. As we trust our own wisdom, our self-esteem starts to grow. We don’t beat ourselves up over decisions that don’t turn out the way we’d hoped, but learn from them. We develop tools to determine who fits as a friend and who must go, and walk away from people who are negative or non-supportive. (No more people pleasing or substituting their beliefs for our own.) We make clear statements to the offender, saying we choose to end all contact. If he persists, we consider him a stalker and take legal action (get a protection order, communicate with the police, document contact attempts, save threatening voice mail messages, and letters and if need, prosecute him.) 

If we can’t walk away from the offenders (i.e. they’re family or the father of our children), we take care of ourselves by (obtaining protection orders if needed) limiting our time with them. Often it’s easier to drop off/pick up children through a third party. We set clear rules -- conversations are limited to child related issues only, any disparaging remarks end the conversation, immediately. Soon we can identify the games our ex or others play, allowing us to stand apart and watch without being caught up in it or taking it personally.  What they do or say is not about us, but about who they are.

Many of us left everything behind, grateful to get out with our life and our kids. Rebuilding our life is no small feat. It’s overwhelming. I found that if I concentrated on what I can do today to take one more step forward, I could control the anxiety. Writing in a journal about my pain, anger and frustration helped, too. (Later I could look back and see how far I’d grown.) Joining a support group and therapy was crucial to my recovery. Prayer has always been a part of my life, it strengthened and comforted me.

I hated doing the work, but did it anyway. One step at a time. When I caught myself looking for an easy solution, I’d stop. There is no easy solution. We hadn’t had control over our lives for so long that it feels uncomfortable and frightening to take command. Finding someone to take control and responsibility again can be appealing. The fear and loneliness can also be so overwhelming that we might consider returning to our abusers. To quell these urges, I wrote a list of what I liked about my partner and what I’d change. That was enough to remind me why returning to him was not a good idea. 

It’s also not a good idea to jump into a new relationship before we’ve cleaned up the crime scene on our spirits. Those relationships usually blow up in our faces and only add to our bruised and bloodied souls. Not to mention, wreck havoc on another person’s life, or the lives of our children should they become attached to this person.

It’s hard work, but worth it. One of the most important lessons I learned was that I could take care of myself and my kids. I didn’t need anyone, but I wanted someone to share my life with. When I believed that I could trust myself to deal with whatever came my way (and not crumble up, die and blow away in the wind if it didn’t work out), I was able to risk opening my heart to love. And love came.

The bottom line is that we have to trust ourselves before we can trust others. We’ll talk more about this.

Slogging Through the Healing Process

If it’s going to be, it’s up to me. I hate that saying. But, it’s true. People who love us can help, but it’s our job to change our lives for the better. 

When we leave a violent relationship, the terror of how our partner will react shrouds our life and colors our future. Safety for ourselves and children takes center stage. Meanwhile, we struggle with where to live, finding a job (one that will pay enough to support ourselves and children) and explaining to the kids why we left. These are just a few of the many issues that leaves us feel confused and unsettled. 

We may also wrestle with the Stockholm syndrome. Like kidnapped victims, a woman living with domestic abuse over a period of time often begins to side with her captor. It’s a survival mechanism. She quickly learns what triggers his violence and how to avoid those triggers to remain safe. If she can just behave “right,” everything will be okay. Small acts of kindness on his part, are a welcome oasis in her terrifying world.  As a result, her reasoning becomes skewed and she feels he, in a sense, is her protector as well as the object of her fear.  He holds the power over her life and death. 

During that time, our partners have imprinted false beliefs, rules and demands designed to keep us off balance and vigilant to their every need. Through constant brainwashing, we come to believe we are as incompetent and stupid as our partners say. How can we survive without them? They’ve also set themselves up to be the center of our worlds. Our job has been to care for their every need. It’s not surprising that when we leave, many of us still feel responsible to care for them. I felt guilty every time I cooked dinner, believing that I should send a meal to my ex. I didn’t do it. I knew that doing so would say to him that there was a chance I’d return. The relationship was over, it seemed more compassionate to hold the line than to give him false hope.

 One of the biggest struggles for victims, is to replace the distorted thinking with healthy, “normal” thinking. In support groups, seminars, and one on one, women said -- “I don’t know what normal thinking is anymore.” That’s why I wrote But He’ll Change. I, too, had wondered that same thing.

In the next few entries of my blog, let’s talk about those thoughts that jerk us around and how we can change them.  

How Did I Get Into This Mess?

One of the biggest questions I struggled with when I left my abuser was: How did I get into this mess? I continually berated myself for being so stupid that I ended up in an abusive relationship. I voiced this to a very wise friend. She replied, “Suppose he came to pick you up for your first date, and when you opened the door he punched you in the face. Would you have gone out with him?” My response was in the ballpark of “HELL, NO! I’d call the police and have him arrested.” The point is, If an abuser treated us at the beginning of the relationship like he did at the end there would have been no relationship. 

An abuser knows if he wants to snare you, he must act and sound like a decent man. He becomes the romantic, thoughtful, caring, funny, seemingly honest, warm guy you’d hoped to find. There is no reason for you to suspect that he’s not who he appears to be, after all, you’re being honest about who you are. Yet, he’s hidden behind a facade. You think he’s interested to hear about your life. While, you feel flattered, he’s collects data that he will later use to manipulate you. He learns about your vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams. Later he will attack you in these very tender places to destroy your self-esteem. He asks questions about your opinions. You feel, Wow, this guy actually cares what I think. But, he’s planning how to bend your will to his. While you thrill at the thought that he’s finds you so attractive he can’t keep his hands off of you, he’s pushing you into a sexual relationship to hook you emotionally.

It’s no surprise, that victims come out of the relationship with huge trust issues.

We spend a lot of time beating ourselves up over something we were not responsible for. We did the right thing. We went into the relationship with an open heart, fell in love and trusted him. Isn’t that what we should do? Trust is part of the foundation of a healthy relationship (love, respect and communication are others.) The fault in the failed relationship sits squarely on the shoulders of the one who broke that trust. He misrepresented himself. He lied.

So, how do you know if you have a good man or not? Here are my thoughts. An abuser:

• Rushes the victim into a relationship.  He talks marriage, kids and starts planing the future too soon in the relationship. He may have his whole life mapped out, and the victim is, to him, the missing piece, expected to fit into HIS world. In Healthy relationships, partners take the needed time to get to know one another, and move at a comfortable pace for both people. There is no fear that if you don’t commit now the relationship is over.
• Doesn’t take “no” for an answer. He pouts, coerces, cajoles, accusing you of not caring for him, guilting you into yielding to his wishes. You may hear, “If you loved me you would/wouldn’t (insert activity here).” He may threaten to leave you if he doesn’t get his way. In Healthy relationships, partners respect each other’s feelings and needs. No, means no.
• Has a sense of entitlement. He may have a definite idea of gender roles in society, with the male role being superior to the female’s. He is often passionate about issues and has definite likes and dislikes. You may find yourself thinking, It’s more important to him than to me so I’ll just go along (or give in.) In Heathy relationships, partners do not require one party to always yield to the other’s wishes. Each partner has an equal say in decisions. Differences of opinion are negotiated and respected wether an agreement is reached or not.
• Monopolizes the victim’s time. He insists on always being together and is offended if you want time alone, with your friends or family members. He criticizes your friends and family, often insisting you stop seeing them, or makes it difficult for you to see them, isolating you. In Healthy relationships, partners give each other time together, and time to pursue individual interests or spend with friends. Also, they spend time with each other’s friends and family. Each partner maintains their own life. Those lives overlap (nether is absorbed into the other) into a life together.

For more information on this topic, I recommend Lundy Bancoft’s book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. It was an eye opener for me. 

Was It Really Abuse?

After leaving a violent relationship, I wanted to put it all behind me and move out into the world as if the abuse never happened. That’s a luxury victims of domestic violence aren’t allowed. We are left with too many scars and bruises that must heal before we can move on to a healthy relationship with ourselves or others. 

Determined to avoid another violent relationship, I sought answers to the nagging questions that colored my thinking. What was so awful about me that he couldn’t love me?  How did I get sucked into this relationship? Was this really abuse? Why do I feel I have to return to him? Will anyone ever love me? What does healthy thinking sound like?

This entry is the first of a series addressing those questions. 

Was It Really Abuse?

Until I went into therapy, I thought that hitting, punching, kicking, beating, and rape were the signs of abuse. I learned that abuse is more than physical attacks. It also includes verbal assaults, constant criticism, humiliation, mind games, control of finances, attacks on one’s faith, and more.

My partner started hitting me shortly after we were married. When he broke my eardrum with a blow to my head, I told him that if he continued to hit me, I would leave.  He accused me of not loving him. I felt terrible, but something inside me kept me from retracting my ultimatum. 

After that incident, the verbal abuse quickly escalated. His angry tirades scared me into compliance. He stopped hitting me but I was terrified that he would. When I’d hear about a woman being battered by her partner, I’d think, “What I live with isn’t so bad. At least he stopped hitting me.” 

Through treatment, I learned that what my partner did, was just as damaging as physical abuse. 

 To gain control, an abuser creates chaos to keep his victim’s attention on making him happy to assure peace in the home. He uses specific tools. Like making trivial demands.  Strict rules regarding everything from how to fold his clothing, stack canned goods in the cabinet, to insisting she washes the dishes only by hand, causing more work and less free time. She feels pressure to keep everything “perfect,” as defined by him. He makes rules that change at his whim. He expects the victim to know the rules have changed without being told. A controlling partner often limits the victim’s access to finances and provides less money to run the household than is needed, giving the abuser more excuses to berate the victim, claiming she is inept at handling money.

An abuser often makes it clear who is in control by refusing to help his victim. Teaching her that she cannot depend on him to watch her back. Even in an emergency, she cannot trust that he will be there for her. He may choose to let her struggle and suffer. 

An abuser plays mind games -- hiding his victim’s personal items. He tells her she did or said something she hadn’t, to make her think she’s going crazy. When she calls him on it, he twists her words and takes the discussion in a different direction, putting her on the defensive. He sets her up to fail. He teaches her that she cannot trust herself. 

He creates a world to ensure that he holds the power in the relationship and she feels helpless. Understanding this, I realized that my partner's actions were not about who he claimed I was-- an inept, stupid, worthless woman--but about who he was, an insecure man trying to feel important at my expense. Knowing this set me free from the labels he forced on me.

Holidays and Loneliness

Valentine’s day has come and gone. The talk on my Facebook page and in our groups has been about the yearning for ex-partners even though they were abusive. I’m not a therapist but I have been in a violent relationship, I understand. Most women realize that they are actually pining for the relationship they wished they’d had, not the man who abused them.

There’s nothing like a romantic or family holiday to make loneliness swell to overwhelming. And the b**** is, we know that if we return to him, the same old stuff will happen. If anything, we’ve learned about the cycle of abuse. The great honeymoon period, when he’s Mr. Wonderful and makes all kinds of promises designed to hook us back into the relationship. The tension period will always follow. He will begin to act surly and demanding (making us pay for his having to grovel to get us back) until it escalates into verbal or physical battering. We know this cycle will repeat itself, and the severity of the abuse will escalate with every incident. Too often the violence results in death for the victim.

When holidays come, the memories of the good times visit havoc on us. It’s hard to hold firm. That’s why it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abuser. How do you hold on?

I found it helped to have a friend I could call any time of the day or night. She’d meet me for coffee and she’d listen as I talked out my feelings. If I didn’t come around and realize that it was not in my best interest to go back, she’d gently remind me.

I had another revelation that helped me through that time and might help you. Most of us had a toy, blanket, something that we dragged around with us as a child. (Mine was a stuffed dog.) We couldn’t sleep without it tucked under our arms. We carried it most everywhere we went. If it was lost or misplaced we’d get hysterical, afraid that our precious toy was gone forever. 

Where is your toy today? Thrown away or tucked in a keepsake box? The point is that we no longer need it to sleep or keep us company because we’ve matured beyond that level. Let me assure you that the same thing will happen with this relationship. You will transcend this time and move on to a better life. One that fills you with joy. 

Will you have another relationship? That’s very possible. But for now, love and cherish yourself as you heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you. Know that when your anxious inner voice says, “no one else will ever love me.” It’s a lie that was planted by someone who thought that if he got you to believe that, you wouldn’t leave and find the happiness you deserve. 

Smile, you’ve just moved yourself up on the People Who Deserve Happiness List.

Celebrating What We Do Right

It’s easy to get so excited about what the new year can hold that we conger up big plans. We are going to change every aspect of our life that we have felt frustrated about for the last 10 years. “I will get up an hour early every day to do vigorous exercise, stop eating sweets, meditate daily, and lose 25 pounds.” Now, at three weeks into the new year, we’ve reached the point when all those resolutions are overwhelming and impossible to hold on to because “real life” runs alongside them. We slide down the slope to despair and self-loathing, setting the tone of our year to failure. 

What I have learned is that making  grandiose resolutions puts me under constant pressure because I’m not “perfect.” I took on too many changes, leaving me stressed out, riddled with guilt, and running a constant “I’ve blown it so I might as well give up -- I’m a loser anyway” tirade through my head. 

I’ve found success with this resolution: This year I will hang on to the good things I am already doing for myself. 

If you choose to share this resolution with me, I believe this will be a year of little victories for you and me. Taking care of ourselves is something we’ll celebrate. When we take a walk or eat a healthy, well-balanced meal, we’ll think about how good we feel and how we’ve honored our bodies. Things as simple as a soak in a hot bath, sleeping, and reading something inspiring are celebrated. When the rhythm of life takes us to a hectic place where emergencies take precedent, we’ll do our best, remain guilt-free, and celebrate the next healthy thing we do for ourselves. 

By focusing on the healthy things going on in our lives, we’ll be more encouraged to take that one step closer to better self-care. Since I've adopted this resolution, I’ve found myself doing more good things for myself. (It’s like parents who praise their child when s/he is being good soon discover the child will repeat that behavior more often.) During the year, I’d hear a healthy tip and think “I could add that one thing to my life.” 

For me, and I hope for you, it will feel a lot less like work and will show steady progress toward living a more robust life. Celebrate your successes with me this year. What did you do to honor your body and spirit today?

New Traditions

Traditions never seem more important than during a holiday season. There are symbols to embrace, special foods, and rituals for all faiths. Woven into those, are our personal family traditions. After divorce, those change. Sometimes, drastically.

I’m thinking about the first Christmas after I left the violence. It fell on my family of origin’s “off” year, the one when my siblings go to their in-laws and my parents, snowbirds, to the warmth of the southern states. Trying to ease my guilt over leaving my ex (why we feel guilty when we are trying to stop the cycle of abuse is beyond me) I allowed my children to go with him that first Christmas. This meant that on a family-oriented holiday, I would be - alone. 

I knew I’d feel relief that I didn’t have to spend the time in anguish, waiting for the big blowup that would decimate the night. The midnight service at my new church was a given, a personal tradition. But there were many hours to fill before the service started. How would I like to spend that time? That was a hard question since I hadn’t acknowledged my own likes and dislikes in many years. I needed some new Christmas Eve traditions.

After my children left with their father, I set about creating my evening, starting with a trip to the grocery store for a steak to broil and a potato to bake. Christmas music on the radio accompanied me as I prepared a delicious meal that I ate at a lovely place setting with my best china and crystal. As I sipped a glass of wine and enjoyed my dinner, I felt at peace. Gratefulness filled me, and I began thanking God for guiding me and being with me through all the pain and struggle. My kids and I were living without a lot, but you can’t put a dollar amount on how it feels to come home to a safe place where you can be who you are, say how you feel, and know, no matter what, you are loved.

After dinner, I watched my favorite Christmas movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart as George Bailey learns the truth that every life matters. As someone who’d been told she was worthless, this movie deeply touched me.

That week we received 36 inches of snow. “The most we’ve seen in years,” the forecasters said. But it was beautiful. White and blue diamonds glistened in the moonlight. My breath crystallized in the air so cold it stung my nostrils as I trotted out to my very frosty car and started her up.

I love Christmas Eve late-night services, the church filled with music, poinsettias, and candles. The story of hope and promise unfolded, and I felt awe once again. As I tipped my candle to accept the flame from my neighbor, I remembered my favorite Christmas image. My children at 4 and 6 years old, each clutching a candle. So proud to be allowed to hold one. Their faces bathed in the soft light as we lifted glowing candles against the darkness and sang Silent Night. The memory-filled me with joy.

When the service ended, church members called Merry Christmas to each other as we drifted into the cold, star-covered morning. I drove home, still wrapped in the warmth of Christmas carols and the promise of hope for the future. 

That Christmas Eve was a blessing and remains a fond memory.