When the Holidays Aren't Merry

Today's posting is by Jennifer Parker, MSSW, LCSW*

The holidays can be an especially difficult time when we’re grieving intimate partner violence (IPV). We mourn that the holiday magic and fun portrayed by the media is not mirrored in our relationships. This time of year can press in upon us and be especially difficult to navigate, much less feel joyful.  

  

Sometimes there is hope that this holiday will be different. We try to make everything perfect, meeting partners’ expectations, voiced or unvoiced. If our hopes are dashed by any type of coercive control, it can plunge us into despair.

If we’re thinking of leaving the relationship, we often want to get through the holidays and put off any decisions we’re contemplating, especially when we have children. That means maintaining our mask—putting on a pretend face with family, friends, or others. I believe those who suffer from intimate abuse are the best ones to know the timing that is right for them. The last thing you need is second-guessing from others who are concerned for you.

Here are some questions for coping with the holidays when you’re feeling anything but cheery. They are set as questions because I don’t want them to feel like something you “should. do” You know what’s possible better than anyone else.

• Can you build in some time for yourself while doing holiday shopping? It’s impossible to find any peace and calm when you’re constantly in the chaos of coercive control. Often, we feel afraid to take even fifteen minutes for a coffee or other break. If you do, focus on just breathing and remembering a time you did feel peaceful. This isn’t about denial; it’s about giving your body and spirit a break from the stress.  
• Can you envision the kind of holiday you’d like to be having? Paint that picture in your mind or on paper with words or drawings. Hold it out as the goal you’re working toward in the future.
• Can you make a list of what you’re grateful for? This also isn’t about denial. It may seem silly given what you’re facing, but when we can focus on what we’re grateful for, it also gives our bodies a safe harbor from stress. In addition, it gives us a mindset that helps in move through whatever difficult circumstances we are experiencing.
• Would you be able to make a crafty gift for those you care about? This is especially nice if you don’t have the resources (or access to them) for buying gifts. Perhaps an ornament or a card made with recycled materials. Or, something you bake or a mix you concoct for baking later. Anything that is creative and allows you to express yourself. The focus on giving “stuff” that costs money can overshadow the true spirit of the holidays.
• Can you take a walk in a natural setting like a park or just in a neighborhood, to get some time to yourself? Or, take it with your children? Nature often reconnects us to ourselves.
• Can you choose an affirmation that connects you with who you are, not how you’re treated? Examples are: “I am okay just as I am,” I deserve love and respect,” “I am enough.” Make up your own or google others that fit for you if none of these call to you. Remember that the affirmation doesn’t necessarily feel true right now; that’s why you’re doing it. Over time, they affect us positively, just as do negative messages that bring self-esteem down.
• Do you have someone who can also give you your affirmation? It’s so important to have others who are supportive to counteract abusive messages.
• Have you visited websites that can be helpful to you while protecting your privacy, such as NCADV (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)? There is online support available, but make sure it can’t be seen by your partner.
• Would it be helpful to find a support person and make an appointment for after the holidays (or before)? This could be a therapist, an intimate partner abuse advocate from your local agency, a minister, or anyone you can trust will understand and encourage you. Not someone who will judge or pressure you to do something, even if they are well-intentioned.

I hope you found at least one of these useful or else they inspired you to think of something else that can boost your spirits.

Know that you aren’t alone during this or any other time of year. There are those who want to serve you in whatever ways you need.

Best wishes for the path ahead.

* My guest blogger is Jennifer Parker, a therapist who has specialized in intimate partner violence and other trauma work for the past 33 years. She developed a Woman’s Voices curriculum that has brought healing to numerous victims of intimate partner violence. She is currently writing a book on coercive control. Visit her blog at:    www.madisonmentalhealthcounselor.com. 

See this post on her blog:

WHEN HOLIDAYS AREN’T MERRY    

Calling Men “In” to End Violence Against Women

At the foundation of violence against women are three basic building blocks: women have lesser value, women are property, and the objectification of women.  

Tony Porter is one of the leading advocates working to end violence against women by the socialization of men, promoting healthy, respectful manhood. If you haven’t heard of him, you will.

He is not only calling men out but more importantly, he is calling men in. Violence against women is the #1 health concern for women in this country and abroad. He believes that the socialization of men is key to ending abuse. “It’s not just a women’s problem. Women alone cannot stop it.” 

In his talk at the DAIS luncheon in Madison, Wisconsin, he laid down the “man rules” young boys are taught: be tough, courageous, dominating, no pain, no emotions but anger, no fear, don’t act like a girl, be a heterosexual. These form the parameters of what Porter calls the Man Box. He is working to help men and boys see how they have been socialized and the damage it can cause. “The liberation of men is tied to the liberation of women.”

In his work with members of major sports teams, he asks, “When a coach says you’re playing like a girl, what does that say about women?” He asked us to think about the messages we send to our sons when we say, “Big boys don’t cry,” or “Don’t be a sissy.” What does that tell them about expressing emotions? Boys learn to hold in their feelings and be dominant at any cost. The greatest cost is to girls and women.

When I first started going to these fundraising luncheons for our shelter, few men attended. This year there were quite a few. Porter asked the men in the room to stand if they were actively helping boys learn how to be healthy men. Many did. When Porter asked the men stand who would now take up the cause, many more stood. It touched my heart. I think we are heading in the right direction.

Tony Porter is the Chief Executive Officer of A Call To Men, an organization working to advance social issues. He is an adviser to the National Football League, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League, Major League Soccer, and Major League Baseball. He is an international lecturer, presented at the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women, and worked with West Point and the US Naval Academy at Annapolis. He is the author of Breaking Out of the Man Box.

Check out Porter’s TED talk. (Tony Porter on TED)

Women Feel Like Prey

Sexual assaults leave victims with a lost sense of safety. Most of us have had more than one experience in this realm. Some have been assaulted at parties by opportunists, and others had boyfriends who coerced, bullied, and intimidated them into sexual behavior they weren’t ready for and didn’t want to engage in at that time. These incidents are not about love or caring. They are about asserting power and control over one another. Pleasure was not given or shared, it was taken. Victims are left hyper-vigilant and expect the worst from every guy who enters their realm. They are left feeling like prey.

[Trigger alert]

At 16 I believed that my awakening to sexuality would slowly unfold over time in moments of shared pleasure and tenderness, housed in the safety of genuine caring and mutual agreement. The encounters would leave me feeling cherished, valued, and respected.

In light of the news last week, an assault claim brought against a Supreme Court nominee, the truth of my indoctrination into the world of dating and sex came back as a thunderous rampage of buried horror charging through me: the fear, the smell of the vinyl seats, the weight of his body holding mine down, his hand clutching my wrist, his other groping me, the indignity of his touch, my helplessness, horror, and shame. I was a shy sensitive sophomore in high school and he was an outgoing, popularity-seeking senior.

Something that should have been lovingly shared was taken without my consent. There was no pleasure, just shock that he would do such a thing. I knew him from our church youth group. We had just started dating. How could he think what he was doing was okay? I was so devastated and stunned that I didn’t scream. I didn’t want to believe what was happening was real, didn’t want to make a scene. So I fought fiercely and silently, but he was bigger, heavier, and stronger than me.

My introduction to teenage relationships left me feeling used, dirty, ashamed, humiliated, and embarrassed. I didn’t have the understanding or the words to process it as a teen. I remember telling myself that it was “just” groping, he didn’t rape me. (1.) I never considered reporting it because I didn’t have anyone to tell. This incident confirmed what my mother had told me, "guys only want one thing." She would have blamed me for getting the guy too excited and not allow me to date anymore. She blamed me for one of my later boyfriend’s acne, saying I was causing his hormones to surge.

When the memory of what I now know was a sexual assault returned in all its oppressive horror, the shock and terror of my 16-year-old self swirled inside me. It took a few days of embracing my younger being, and allowing her to feel the pain and humiliation before I could begin processing the incident through my adult understanding. It was not my fault. He must have planned it, and figured out how he could pin me down to do his dirty work. Was he contemplating his planned conquest during the whole date, anxiously waiting for the trip home to begin and planning the exact moment when he'd make his move?  I was, most likely, not his first victim and probably not his last.

When he walked me to my door, I think he mumbled an apology and said it wouldn’t happen again. I really couldn’t hear him with the traumatic images thundering in my head. I think I agreed to go out with him again. At that time I believed that if someone asked for forgiveness, I had to forgive on the spot. My understanding of forgiveness was to never speak of the misdeed again and the relationship would continue as if the incident never occurred. That old forgive-and-forget saying. That false belief left me open to further exploitation. (See: Real-life Forgiveness)

It was an assault not just on my body but on my very being. Over 50 years later, the incident feels as traumatic as the night it occurred.

A couple of years after that incident, while on vacation, I spent some time with a guy I met. When we prepared to go our respective ways, he took my hand and said, “I just want you to know that all guys aren’t like you think they are. There are nice guys.” He had picked up on my fear and mistrust, all fashioned at the hands of not-nice guys. This nice guy’s words stayed with me.

I’m grateful to the women who are speaking out. I’m shocked that some people can’t or won’t understand how traumatic and violating this behavior is. The status quo is going to change. Women are fed up with the position we’ve been forced into.  We are not going to take it anymore. We will speak out and hold men accountable. The old disqualifies are not going to work; “It was just a grope, not a rape” “Guys do that.” “You just want to ruin his reputation and career opportunities.” “Boys will be boys.” “What were you wearing?” “You were asking for it.” “He was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing.” “You were drunk.” “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” “Get over it.”

To those speakers, we say, no. We don’t just get over it. Instead of spouting off these idiotic comments, why don’t you get busy and do something about these predators, like hold them accountable?


(1.)   Merriam-Webster definitions of rape: 1)unlawful sexual activity and usually, sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against a person's will and 2) an outrageous violation.

Listening to Our Hearts

Last year, I mentioned to a friend that I was interested in going on a spiritual retreat. I knew she had attended a few women’s circles in warmer climates. I was looking for a place with no distractions from my everyday life. A place to become quiet and gain direction from my inner self.

A few days later, my friend came back to me saying, “What do you think about Bali?”

Bali? I had read Eat, Pray, Love but never considered going to Bali. That was Elizabeth Gilbert’s call, not mine, and besides, it is halfway around the world.

Babs (my inner critic) picked up on my fear and began listing how crazy that would be and all the reasons I shouldn’t go: It’s about 24 hours on an airplane, it’s a hot, humid jungle, What happens if you got sick and couldn’t get home? Suppose the connecting flights didn’t connect, and you became stranded in a foreign country? The volcano on Bali has been spewing ash; it might erupt at any moment. You could be stuck or die there. On and on Babs droned.

But my heart whispered, “Bali, Bali, Bali.”

So, I bought the support stockings for the long ride, received the hepatitis A vaccine, took the series of live Tetanus pills, bought bug spray, anti-diarrhea meds, insurance that would cover bringing me home in an emergency, and a ticket to Bali.

This was so far out of my box that I couldn’t even see the box from where I stood. There was nothing else to do but pull up my big girl panties and pack.

Babs continued her assault on my decision. Daily, I talked myself down from the upper branches of my terror tree. When I couldn’t do it, my husband talked me down. We traveled with no problems. This was not that new. I wasn’t going alone. It will be a great experience.

I remembered someone had posed the question: What is the thing you most want that lies at the bottom of your heart?

That is an important question.

I wasn’t yearning to see Bali, just searching for a way to recover my place of peace. To consider if I was doing what God intended me to do with my life. Writing But He’ll Change was one of my charges. The words were whispered to me at all times of day and night. All I had to do was jot them down and arrange them in a book. Composing the 82 blog posts was also part of my mission. Lately, I’ve asked myself, “What more do I have to say?” Many women and men are speaking up since the #MeToo movement. Is it time to pass the baton?

While in Bali, I asked myself if I was ready to pack away all the memories from my experience and all the knowledge I’ve gained through my healing process? The work I’ve done has given me a sense of pride, made me feel I was contributing something important and connected me with many amazing people. I loved doing presentations, answering the questions, and seeing faces change when they “got” it. Is it time to do something else?

The question was: How do I want to live the rest of my life? The big 7-0 is breathing down my neck. What is at the bottom of my heart now? What am I meant to do during this period in my life?

The point I hope you take away from this post is that you, too, have a dream, hope, or wish that lies at the bottom of your heart. Pay attention to it. You may not be able to identify it, but stepping out of your comfort zones may move you in the direction to discover something about yourselves that you don’t yet know, you’re afraid to see, or a new direction for your lives.

I don’t think you need to go halfway around the world to find it (though, Bali was amazing, with perfect weather, beautiful country, and lovely people). It’s not an outer thing. It’s found in the quiet. Prayer, meditation, or silence can give us the answers we seek. We can choose to learn how to sit in the stillness or tell ourselves that we don’t have time, and continue rushing through our hectic lives. The choice is ours.

This is a moment for me to step out in faith, trusting that the next thing for me will come when it is time. I’ve always believed that life teaches us what we need to know to prepare us for a coming task. We just have to pay attention, and take the first step.

Open the Door to a Better Life

"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

- Flora Whittemore

There comes a time when we need to open and walk through the door labeled “Moving On.” Having slogged through the swamp of separation, court cases, and child custody issues we are exhausted. Maybe some of these issues are trickling on, but in our gut, we know it is time to turn our focus elsewhere.

It happened to me when I arrived at work one Monday morning. A co-worker with anxious, shining eyes asked, “What’s the latest catastrophe? Your life is like a soap opera.” I realized at that moment that 1) I was oversharing and 2) I was feeding the drama in my life by talking about my frustration from the antics my ex pulled. At that moment, I made the decision that I was not going to allow him to hold a power position in my thoughts anymore. I shut the door—no more drama, no more complaining. 

We do need to tell our story to help us heal, (i.e. working with a therapist), to teach or help someone else and to anyone we feel has earned the right to hear it. I had a friend who was so traumatized that she told her story over and over to everyone and anyone. This went on for 10 or more years before she was willing to address her anguish with a therapist who gently eased her through the moving-on door. Let’s not wait that long to get help.

When we first left, we needed our anger as a way to keep us from being drawn back into our exes’ lair. We stoked our fury by rehashing the violent scenes and sins of our former partners. It was necessary to keep us out of the relationship until our strength solidified. We now recognize their predictable behavior but don’t waste our time or energy reacting to their antics. Can we close this door? Letting anger go does not mean we forgive or forget how our former partners behaved. (see Real Life Forgiveness ) It is saying that we will no longer allow their darkness to take up space in our thoughts and feelings. 

We have, no doubt, spent some time plotting revenge on our exes. I’m not going to say that was necessary, but it was a way to release our anger. As long as we didn’t go through with anything that could be categorized as illegal, it served the purpose of temporary appeasement. Can we close the door on plotting revenge?

One evening I railed at God, saying I could let the desire for revenge go if I knew my ex had experienced as much suffering as he inflicted on my children and me. I wasn’t asking for one drop more. A little voice in my head said, “How do you know he hasn’t?” There was no way I could know. Also, it was not my right to make that call. Mouth shut. Door closed.

It is normal to wonder what is going on in our former partners’ lives. We often worry:

• Will their new partners be safe? Should we let them know what they are getting into? (The answer is no. Would any of us have listened to earlier partners?)

• Maybe our exes have changed and all the effort we put in is now benefitting other people. (Let me assure you, they have not changed. Remember the honeymoon stage, where everything is like a fairytale? Tension and abuse will always follow. (The Cycle of Abuse) Controllers will continue to use tactics that have always worked for them.

• Will the kids like the new person better than me? (No they won’t. We are their moms/dads. Our children will not remember the stuff our exes and new partners may provide. They will remember how our eyes lit up when they entered the room. Our love and attention are what matters.)

Can we close the door on snooping into our exs’ lives? Can we also stop (or not start) pumping our children for information about our exes as well as trashing our exes to our children? That door must be closed, locked and the key tossed away.

Can we open the door to fulfilling our dreams and passions? After spending years standing stagnate waiting to spring forward and fulfill our partner's every demand, it’s hard to get moving again. 

I felt so grateful to have a safe place, that I hunkered down and didn’t want to do anything. Besides, I didn’t know what I liked to do, eat or see. My preferences, needs, and wants were ground into the dust long ago. Just curling up on the sofa seemed preferable to me. 

Staying in to lick our wounds is okay for a while, but not long-term. Too many wonderful opportunities can pass us by if we hide in our homes. You may, like I did, have to force yourself to call a friend and set a date for coffee, dinner, or a movie. Get involved in causes, things that will make you feel good and build your self-esteem. It may be hard at first but do it anyway. Throw open the doors to opportunities— new and different experiences. See how wonderful and full your life can be.

What doors you choose to open or close determine the life you live. Go out and make yours a good one.

BTW- The best revenge is to go on to live a great life.  😉  (Just Sayin’)

Relationships Aren't Abusive, People Are

A couple weeks ago, I came across a statement that caused me to ponder the term “abusive relationship.”  I don’t remember the exact words the author used but I came away thinking that using them may be dehumanizing the situation it is supposed to describe.  (Wish I had saved that article.)

Over time “Abusive Relationship” has become the go-to label. Kind of an entity all its own. But, have we come to the point where it has been used so often that those who hear it gloss over it without giving the deserved wince? Has overuse nullified its power? 

Does it take the human factor out of the situation and place the blame on the relationship? Does it move us one comfortable step away from the truth that something heinous happens—a person is being deprived of his or her rights, being attacked, and in danger of being murdered?

According to Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, relationship means:

1. A connection, association, or involvement. 
2. The connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. An emotional or other connection between people.
4. A sexual involvement, affair.

It’s not the relationship between the two people that is abusive. The abuse isn’t a two-way street. It is one person systematically and intentionally attacking his or her partner in order to maintain control. 

The question I’m asking myself is: Should I use more descriptive and exact words that better define what is really going on? 

• She constantly belittles and humiliates her partner.
• He beats his partner.
• One partner uses power to force the other to comply with his or her wishes.

I could go on but you get the idea. Though it would increase the number of words in an article, blog, or presentation, it’s something to consider. (Perhaps we should reevaluate all the go-to terms related to abuse.) 

I plan to select my words more carefully now. To use words that highlight the truth—one person consistently commits violent attacks on the other.

What do you think? I am interested to hear your thoughts on this topic. 

Click on the "comments" button below.

Dating After Abuse

Trust is bashed in by an abuser. We joined with our partners believing they had our best interests at heart like we had theirs. We believed that they would love and cherish us, encourage us, be our wingmen—protect us. It is what they promised. So, we pasted them into our expectation-dream. Awakening to the truth was painful. They lied, cheated, and attacked us both verbally and physically. It is no surprise we vowed to never again open our hearts to anyone.

We not only lost trust in our partners, we also lost trust in our judgment. We blame ourselves for ending up with a violent person. How could we be so stupid? How can we ever again believe that we are making the right decision about anyone?

Before we even consider dating, we must heal the lack of trust in ourselves. Working with a therapist we can rebuild our confidence in our ability to make good decisions, learn to like and respect ourselves again and clean up the debris left inside. The healing process is a good time to begin to uncover our gifts and find a passion in life (other than finding a new partner). Then put ourselves in places where healthy people go. Join a cause. Volunteer. 

When you start dating, expect that you will go through a few people before you find the right one. Grab anxiety about being alone by the scruff of the neck and hang it on the hook in your closet. Shut the door. Remind yourself that it takes time to get to know someone. This time around there will be no innocence of passion, like your first love when you fell open-armed into the abyss. However, it will be a more mature and authentic love.

I can’t promise you will never be romanced by another potential abuser. They don’t come with “dangerous” etched into their foreheads—though that would be nice. The good news is that there are clues that tell us when someone is potentially violent—red flags. We didn’t know to watch for them before. This time we are smarter.

We have experienced the well-honed, believable facade that those seeking to control us wear. They seemed absolutely crazy about us, wanted to be with us all the time, wanted to know everything about us, and began planning our future together. All this felt heady. Who doesn’t want to be loved and adored? (Maybe there are some people, but I’d be suspicious of them. 🤔) How do we know who is legit?

Since we cannot be sure who is being genuine and who is a fraud, we have to make some agreements with ourselves. Since we know that abusive, violent people cannot remain behind their facade forever, time is our friend. With patience on our part, they will eventually show their true personality. 

Our first agreement is to not allow anyone to rush us into intimacy. Even if we would love to be swallowed up in the romance because it feels so good and we’ve missed it so much—we slow things down. If this person is seeking a quality relationship, he or she will respect our wish to take it slow.

The second agreement is that before we make any long-term commitment we collect data. I know it doesn’t sound very romantic, but avoiding a violent partner makes it necessary. We want to see how this person reacts to life situations, such as how he or she:

• Reacts to a personal disappointment.
• Reacts to confrontation.
• Reacts to an obstacle in her path.
• Responds to a “no” from us.
• Behaves during an illness or difficult circumstance.
• Cares for us during our illness or difficult circumstance.
• Interacts with his family and friends.
• Interacts with our family and friends.
• Interacts with children.
• Interacts with animals.
• Spends her free time. Is she active in a cause that enriches others’ lives?
• Treats waiters and other service people.

When the whispering comes from our gut saying, “Something’s not right here,” “Ouch. He can’t really mean that?” “Why don’t I ever get to pick the movie we see?” “She must not have heard what I said, she didn’t acknowledge my opinion.” “Whoa, he’s getting awfully angry because I didn’t agree with him.” You get the idea. We pay attention. We do not disregard bad behavior. Anything that makes us feel discounted, ignored, or disrespected will no longer be explained away. We will not make excuses for him or her. Absolutely no more minimizing or denying what we witnessed. No matter how much time and energy we gave to this person—we walk. We don’t waste one more minute on anyone who does not deserve our love. We clear the space for a better partner to enter.

We have control over who we allow to stay in our lives. Our superpower is that we have the strength to walk away at the first flap of a red flag. No demeaning or beating ourselves up by saying, “I did it again.” We accept that we can’t know who they are before we know who they are. Taking time to observe a potential life partner is paramount. Will it guarantee that you will live happily ever after? There are no guarantees in life. However, It will put you in a better position to find the best partner for you. Someone who will work with you to build a healthy relationship.

The bottom line is:

We trust others until they prove untrustworthy, then we trust ourselves enough to walk away. 

This is the victory.