How Long Should I Stay?

 

“If I stay in this relationship, is it possible my narcissistic* partner will change?” A Facebook group member posted then followed it by describing incidents of neglect, gaslighting, shaming, and other acts of abuse.

Within this question, I hear the pain and yearning crushing the heart of the one asking. They’re most likely thinking: “Why can’t my partner see how hard I’m working to create the life they say they want, and how I’m going above and beyond to make it possible?” “Why can’t they see that perfect life is within reach for both of us, if only my partner acknowledged my efforts and made a few reasonable concessions?” 

Victims of controlling partners want basic human rights: To be treated with kindness and respect. To negotiate differences and not always have to lose. 

Controlling partners make neither concessions nor do they compromise.

Follow-up questions often include, “Why am I not enough for them?” “Why am I not worth their effort?” Blaming ourselves for our partners’ unacceptable behavior makes us believe we have control over the situation. If we change, things will get better. The truth is, the blame for our partners’ behavior sits squarely on their shoulders. We deserve to be loved, respected, and cherished. It should not have to be earned.

Next comes the question with the answer we don’t want to hear: “How long should I stay? I’ve put so much effort into this relationship. I don’t want to miss out if they do change.”

I’ve wrestled with those questions. This is what I learned.

Nobody changes unless they:

• Want to change,
• Will do the work which includes owning up to their unacceptable behavior and making amends,
• See you as an individual, one who deserves respect, and
• See a value for themselves in changing.

We tell ourselves what I call the “Yes, Buts”. Here are my rebuttals: 

• “Yes, but they can be so wonderful.” One of their tactics to keep you hooked in the relationship is to offer you occasional indulgences. You feel overjoyed at the moment, but soon events head south when their actual personality returns.
• “Yes, but I want to save them, heal them”. We cannot heal another person. If they want to heal, they will make the effort. If they don’t, all of your efforts are worthless. 
• “Yes, but I don’t want to be a failure.” You’ve done everything in your power to make things better. Without your partner’s cooperation, nothing will change. You are not a failure. Your partner failed to choose love and respect. You are free to leave with a clear conscience.
• “Yes, but I love them.” Who do you love? The person they are now or the person you hoped or wanted or imagined them to become? I suggest you take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. On one side, write everything you love about this person, on the other, what you would change. See how those balance out.
• “Yes, but it’s better to have the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” No, it’s not. It’s better to have no devil in your life. You have to do the work to heal yourself. Then you will be ready to attract a healthy partner.
• “Yes, but I don’t want to be alone.” Let me suggest you clear a space in your life to welcome the right partner. As long as you allow an undeserving person to occupy that space, there is no room for the right person to come into your life.

Should you wait for your partner to change?

If your partner has entered a batterers treatment program,** and you see evidence they are making a sincere effort to understand their former behavior’s effect on you and are making noticeable changes in their behavior, yes. 

If they start treatment and you see no improvement in their behavior within a few weeks, or if you discover they are not attending, but telling you they are, it’s time to walk away. (You have the right to check to see if your partner is attending the required sessions. If your partner objects to you making a call to confirm their attendance, it’s time to be suspect.)

Value yourself enough to not allow anyone in your life to determine your worth. Chances are, controlling partners will never live up to your hopes and dreams. Don’t allow the chaos they bring into your life to continue. Ask yourself, “How much of my life do I want to spend waiting? Better yet, how many opportunities am I willing to lose by waiting?”

If your answer is “None,” then it’s time to reach out for help through your local DV organization or program. DV programs often have legal advocacy groups and support groups. Most provide shelter and can connect you with a therapist trained in coercive controlling relationships.

Whether you are in a relationship with a narcissist or coercive controller, there is nothing you can do to change this person, but you can change yourself and live a better life. I promise this is not the only person you can love. The world has many kind and thoughtful people to love and who will love you in return.

*  While the word narcissist has become the common title for abusers, not all abusers are narcissists. For this blog, I will use the term controlling partner.

**Batterers' treatment is different from Anger Management treatment. Abusive partners need batterers' treatment.  See:

Anger Management vs Batterers' Treatment

Open the Door to a Better Life

"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

- Flora Whittemore

There comes a time when we need to open and walk through the door labeled “Moving On.” Having slogged through the swamp of separation, court cases, and child custody issues we are exhausted. Maybe some of these issues are trickling on, but in our gut, we know it is time to turn our focus elsewhere.

It happened to me when I arrived at work one Monday morning. A co-worker with anxious, shining eyes asked, “What’s the latest catastrophe? Your life is like a soap opera.” I realized at that moment that 1) I was oversharing and 2) I was feeding the drama in my life by talking about my frustration from the antics my ex pulled. At that moment, I made the decision that I was not going to allow him to hold a power position in my thoughts anymore. I shut the door—no more drama, no more complaining. 

We do need to tell our story to help us heal, (i.e. working with a therapist), to teach or help someone else and to anyone we feel has earned the right to hear it. I had a friend who was so traumatized that she told her story over and over to everyone and anyone. This went on for 10 or more years before she was willing to address her anguish with a therapist who gently eased her through the moving-on door. Let’s not wait that long to get help.

When we first left, we needed our anger as a way to keep us from being drawn back into our exes’ lair. We stoked our fury by rehashing the violent scenes and sins of our former partners. It was necessary to keep us out of the relationship until our strength solidified. We now recognize their predictable behavior but don’t waste our time or energy reacting to their antics. Can we close this door? Letting anger go does not mean we forgive or forget how our former partners behaved. (see Real Life Forgiveness ) It is saying that we will no longer allow their darkness to take up space in our thoughts and feelings. 

We have, no doubt, spent some time plotting revenge on our exes. I’m not going to say that was necessary, but it was a way to release our anger. As long as we didn’t go through with anything that could be categorized as illegal, it served the purpose of temporary appeasement. Can we close the door on plotting revenge?

One evening I railed at God, saying I could let the desire for revenge go if I knew my ex had experienced as much suffering as he inflicted on my children and me. I wasn’t asking for one drop more. A little voice in my head said, “How do you know he hasn’t?” There was no way I could know. Also, it was not my right to make that call. Mouth shut. Door closed.

It is normal to wonder what is going on in our former partners’ lives. We often worry:

• Will their new partners be safe? Should we let them know what they are getting into? (The answer is no. Would any of us have listened to earlier partners?)

• Maybe our exes have changed and all the effort we put in is now benefitting other people. (Let me assure you, they have not changed. Remember the honeymoon stage, where everything is like a fairytale? Tension and abuse will always follow. (The Cycle of Abuse) Controllers will continue to use tactics that have always worked for them.

• Will the kids like the new person better than me? (No they won’t. We are their moms/dads. Our children will not remember the stuff our exes and new partners may provide. They will remember how our eyes lit up when they entered the room. Our love and attention are what matters.)

Can we close the door on snooping into our exs’ lives? Can we also stop (or not start) pumping our children for information about our exes as well as trashing our exes to our children? That door must be closed, locked and the key tossed away.

Can we open the door to fulfilling our dreams and passions? After spending years standing stagnate waiting to spring forward and fulfill our partner's every demand, it’s hard to get moving again. 

I felt so grateful to have a safe place, that I hunkered down and didn’t want to do anything. Besides, I didn’t know what I liked to do, eat or see. My preferences, needs, and wants were ground into the dust long ago. Just curling up on the sofa seemed preferable to me. 

Staying in to lick our wounds is okay for a while, but not long-term. Too many wonderful opportunities can pass us by if we hide in our homes. You may, like I did, have to force yourself to call a friend and set a date for coffee, dinner, or a movie. Get involved in causes, things that will make you feel good and build your self-esteem. It may be hard at first but do it anyway. Throw open the doors to opportunities— new and different experiences. See how wonderful and full your life can be.

What doors you choose to open or close determine the life you live. Go out and make yours a good one.

BTW- The best revenge is to go on to live a great life.  😉  (Just Sayin’)

Relationships Aren't Abusive, People Are

A couple weeks ago, I came across a statement that caused me to ponder the term “abusive relationship.”  I don’t remember the exact words the author used but I came away thinking that using them may be dehumanizing the situation it is supposed to describe.  (Wish I had saved that article.)

Over time “Abusive Relationship” has become the go-to label. Kind of an entity all its own. But, have we come to the point where it has been used so often that those who hear it gloss over it without giving the deserved wince? Has overuse nullified its power? 

Does it take the human factor out of the situation and place the blame on the relationship? Does it move us one comfortable step away from the truth that something heinous happens—a person is being deprived of his or her rights, being attacked, and in danger of being murdered?

According to Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, relationship means:

1. A connection, association, or involvement. 
2. The connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. An emotional or other connection between people.
4. A sexual involvement, affair.

It’s not the relationship between the two people that is abusive. The abuse isn’t a two-way street. It is one person systematically and intentionally attacking his or her partner in order to maintain control. 

The question I’m asking myself is: Should I use more descriptive and exact words that better define what is really going on? 

• She constantly belittles and humiliates her partner.
• He beats his partner.
• One partner uses power to force the other to comply with his or her wishes.

I could go on but you get the idea. Though it would increase the number of words in an article, blog, or presentation, it’s something to consider. (Perhaps we should reevaluate all the go-to terms related to abuse.) 

I plan to select my words more carefully now. To use words that highlight the truth—one person consistently commits violent attacks on the other.

What do you think? I am interested to hear your thoughts on this topic. 

Click on the "comments" button below.

Dating After Abuse

Trust is bashed in by an abuser. We joined with our partners believing they had our best interests at heart like we had theirs. We believed that they would love and cherish us, encourage us, be our wingmen—protect us. It is what they promised. So, we pasted them into our expectation-dream. Awakening to the truth was painful. They lied, cheated, and attacked us both verbally and physically. It is no surprise we vowed to never again open our hearts to anyone.

We not only lost trust in our partners, we also lost trust in our judgment. We blame ourselves for ending up with a violent person. How could we be so stupid? How can we ever again believe that we are making the right decision about anyone?

Before we even consider dating, we must heal the lack of trust in ourselves. Working with a therapist we can rebuild our confidence in our ability to make good decisions, learn to like and respect ourselves again and clean up the debris left inside. The healing process is a good time to begin to uncover our gifts and find a passion in life (other than finding a new partner). Then put ourselves in places where healthy people go. Join a cause. Volunteer. 

When you start dating, expect that you will go through a few people before you find the right one. Grab anxiety about being alone by the scruff of the neck and hang it on the hook in your closet. Shut the door. Remind yourself that it takes time to get to know someone. This time around there will be no innocence of passion, like your first love when you fell open-armed into the abyss. However, it will be a more mature and authentic love.

I can’t promise you will never be romanced by another potential abuser. They don’t come with “dangerous” etched into their foreheads—though that would be nice. The good news is that there are clues that tell us when someone is potentially violent—red flags. We didn’t know to watch for them before. This time we are smarter.

We have experienced the well-honed, believable facade that those seeking to control us wear. They seemed absolutely crazy about us, wanted to be with us all the time, wanted to know everything about us, and began planning our future together. All this felt heady. Who doesn’t want to be loved and adored? (Maybe there are some people, but I’d be suspicious of them. 🤔) How do we know who is legit?

Since we cannot be sure who is being genuine and who is a fraud, we have to make some agreements with ourselves. Since we know that abusive, violent people cannot remain behind their facade forever, time is our friend. With patience on our part, they will eventually show their true personality. 

Our first agreement is to not allow anyone to rush us into intimacy. Even if we would love to be swallowed up in the romance because it feels so good and we’ve missed it so much—we slow things down. If this person is seeking a quality relationship, he or she will respect our wish to take it slow.

The second agreement is that before we make any long-term commitment we collect data. I know it doesn’t sound very romantic, but avoiding a violent partner makes it necessary. We want to see how this person reacts to life situations, such as how he or she:

• Reacts to a personal disappointment.
• Reacts to confrontation.
• Reacts to an obstacle in her path.
• Responds to a “no” from us.
• Behaves during an illness or difficult circumstance.
• Cares for us during our illness or difficult circumstance.
• Interacts with his family and friends.
• Interacts with our family and friends.
• Interacts with children.
• Interacts with animals.
• Spends her free time. Is she active in a cause that enriches others’ lives?
• Treats waiters and other service people.

When the whispering comes from our gut saying, “Something’s not right here,” “Ouch. He can’t really mean that?” “Why don’t I ever get to pick the movie we see?” “She must not have heard what I said, she didn’t acknowledge my opinion.” “Whoa, he’s getting awfully angry because I didn’t agree with him.” You get the idea. We pay attention. We do not disregard bad behavior. Anything that makes us feel discounted, ignored, or disrespected will no longer be explained away. We will not make excuses for him or her. Absolutely no more minimizing or denying what we witnessed. No matter how much time and energy we gave to this person—we walk. We don’t waste one more minute on anyone who does not deserve our love. We clear the space for a better partner to enter.

We have control over who we allow to stay in our lives. Our superpower is that we have the strength to walk away at the first flap of a red flag. No demeaning or beating ourselves up by saying, “I did it again.” We accept that we can’t know who they are before we know who they are. Taking time to observe a potential life partner is paramount. Will it guarantee that you will live happily ever after? There are no guarantees in life. However, It will put you in a better position to find the best partner for you. Someone who will work with you to build a healthy relationship.

The bottom line is:

We trust others until they prove untrustworthy, then we trust ourselves enough to walk away. 

This is the victory.