“If I stay in this relationship, is it possible my narcissistic* partner will change?” A Facebook group member posted then followed it by describing incidents of neglect, gaslighting, shaming, and other acts of abuse.
Within this question, I hear the pain and yearning crushing the heart of the one asking. They’re most likely thinking: “Why can’t my partner see how hard I’m working to create the life they say they want, and how I’m going above and beyond to make it possible?” “Why can’t they see that perfect life is within reach for both of us, if only my partner acknowledged my efforts and made a few reasonable concessions?”
Victims of controlling partners want basic human rights: To be treated with kindness and respect. To negotiate differences and not always have to lose.
Controlling partners make neither concessions nor do they compromise.
Follow-up questions often include, “Why am I not enough for them?” “Why am I not worth their effort?” Blaming ourselves for our partners’ unacceptable behavior makes us believe we have control over the situation. If we change, things will get better. The truth is, the blame for our partners’ behavior sits squarely on their shoulders. We deserve to be loved, respected, and cherished. It should not have to be earned.
Next comes the question with the answer we don’t want to hear: “How long should I stay? I’ve put so much effort into this relationship. I don’t want to miss out if they do change.”
I’ve wrestled with those questions. This is what I learned.
Nobody changes unless they:
- Want to change,
- Will do the work which includes owning up to their unacceptable behavior and making amends,
- See you as an individual, one who deserves respect, and
- See a value for themselves in changing.
We tell ourselves what I call the “Yes, Buts”. Here are my rebuttals:
- “Yes, but they can be so wonderful.” One of their tactics to keep you hooked in the relationship is to offer you occasional indulgences. You feel overjoyed at the moment, but soon events head south when their actual personality returns.
- “Yes, but I want to save them, heal them”. We cannot heal another person. If they want to heal, they will make the effort. If they don’t, all of your efforts are worthless.
- “Yes, but I don’t want to be a failure.” You’ve done everything in your power to make things better. Without your partner’s cooperation, nothing will change. You are not a failure. Your partner failed to choose love and respect. You are free to leave with a clear conscience.
- “Yes, but I love them.” Who do you love? The person they are now or the person you hoped or wanted or imagined them to become? I suggest you take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. On one side, write everything you love about this person, on the other, what you would change. See how those balance out.
- “Yes, but it’s better to have the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” No, it’s not. It’s better to have no devil in your life. You have to do the work to heal yourself. Then you will be ready to attract a healthy partner.
- “Yes, but I don’t want to be alone.” Let me suggest you clear a space in your life to welcome the right partner. As long as you allow an undeserving person to occupy that space, there is no room for the right person to come into your life.
Should you wait for your partner to change?
If your partner has entered a batterers treatment program,** and you see evidence they are making a sincere effort to understand their former behavior’s effect on you and are making noticeable changes in their behavior, yes.
If they start treatment and you see no improvement in their behavior within a few weeks, or if you discover they are not attending, but telling you they are, it’s time to walk away. (You have the right to check to see if your partner is attending the required sessions. If your partner objects to you making a call to confirm their attendance, it’s time to be suspect.)
Value yourself enough to not allow anyone in your life to determine your worth. Chances are, controlling partners will never live up to your hopes and dreams. Don’t allow the chaos they bring into your life to continue. Ask yourself, “How much of my life do I want to spend waiting? Better yet, how many opportunities am I willing to lose by waiting?”
If your answer is “None,” then it’s time to reach out for help through your local DV organization or program. DV programs often have legal advocacy groups and support groups. Most provide shelter and can connect you with a therapist trained in coercive controlling relationships.
Whether you are in a relationship with a narcissist or coercive controller, there is nothing you can do to change this person, but you can change yourself and live a better life. I promise this is not the only person you can love. The world has many kind and thoughtful people to love and who will love you in return.
* While the word narcissist has become the common title for abusers, not all abusers are narcissists. For this blog, I will use the term controlling partner.
**Batterers' treatment is different from Anger Management treatment. Abusive partners need batterers' treatment. See: